Hello Still Marauding it's hedwigs_theme here with your requested review.
This was a good first chapter and a humorous read.
Your description was good and there were know problems with plot or characterisation, which was especially good with Sirius. Your description was great also.
I noticed that you have very big gaps between your paragraphs, this is not a problem for me but it could put the flow off for some people so I would make the gaps a tad bit smaller just in case.
I also found some typos such as:
' the gins faded off ' etc etc. there should obviously be an 'r' in gins to make grins.
'well know' should have an 'n' on the end of know.
There were also a few minor grammatical errors but nothing to be overly worried about.
Overall a great start to a promising looking story and I coan't wait to read the next chapter. Report Review
Before I begin, I want to let you know that this review will be a bit blunt.
Throughout this chapter, I felt that you failed to introduce the main characters. From reading the chapter, I know very little about Vienna, except for her hair color and the reason for her parents' death. Also, with regards to your portrayal of the Marauders, I thought their personalities in your fanfiction didn't accurately represent those created by J.K. Rowling. I didn't find them to be very realistic or believable.
The plot was mediocre. As I was reading this chapter, I noticed many similarities between Vienna and Harry. Both of their parents were killed by Voldemort. Both of them went to live with their aunts afterward (Harry lived with his uncle as well). Both of them are Gryffindors. Both of them go looking for trouble. You may want to change this, because the two storylines are beginning to sound very similar. I also felt that this chapter was a bit fast-paced. Not much was explained, and events could have been further described or elaborated upon. For example, you rush through the carriage ride, sorting, and feast. Try adding descriptors, dialogue, etc. This concept plays a role in affecting the flow of your story. This chapter was a bit choppy because you focused on one event for a while, spent one sentence on the next, and wrote fourteen paragraphs for the event after that.
Lastly, I discovered numerous spelling/grammar mistakes. If you don't mind me asking: do you have a BETA? If not, I would recommend getting one to help you correct some of those mistakes.
Voldy Needs a HugAuthor's Response: First of all, I'd like to thank you for taking time to review this chapter. While it seems as though it was otherwise, I do hope you at least enjoyed in the slightest.
While in the beginning I do see how you could draw many parallels between Harry and Vienna, if you actually read on into the story, the connections become much less pronounced and many of them wither away completely. Even in this chapter you can see distinct differences. While Harry goes investigating and often finds trouble out of sheer curiosity or to help someone out, Vienna is often motivated by revenge, as shown with her duel with Snape. As for the similarities between Harry and Vienna's parentÃ¢Â€Â™s death's, the only thing similar is the fact that they are both dead. While Harry could barely remember his mum and dad, Vienna found her parents dead when she was nine years old and had ample time to get to know them and to miss them. And as for the other dissimilarity, I cannot reveal it yet, future chapter;). As for Vienna going to live with her Aunt, I never really thought of it as odd; both my parents only have sisters so it seemed natural. As for the fact that they are both Gryffindors, there are approximately 70 Gryffindor students at any time in the castle if you gage it by Harry's year, so yet again, not so similar, especially considering there's a one in four chance of landing in the house.
As for the plot, I'd have to kindly disagree with you. After all, you've only read the first chapter, which of course, is used mainly to capture the reader's interest and to introduce the setting and the characters. You've hardly begun to delve into it and I hardly think itÃ¢Â€Â™s fair to make assumptions based on 1839 words.
As for the Marauders, the characterizations made by JK were during the end of fifth year and therefor the characters have developed at least somewhat over the summer. Not only that but part of writing fan fiction is taking some liberty with the original characters while trying to keep the integrity of the original piece. I'm sorry you feel as if I've botched this from your point of view, but I feel as if I've captured them pretty well for how I imagined them. You could have a completely dissimilar vision of them and that is fine. ItÃ¢Â€Â™s one of the beautiful things about literature, that
everyone is able to interpret it as they like.
As for the choppiness, I agree with you to some extent, though youÃ¢Â€Â™re take seemed slightly exaggerated.
As for the Beta, I do not have one and I have been read in on the whole Moony/Mooney thing and as far as numerous I'd have to ask you to elaborate as I find nothing that is so distracting as you insinuate.
If you donÃ¢Â€Â™t mind, I find this review to be somewhat one sided; while it possesses many helpful critiques it is also vague in their improvement if elucidated at all. For example, if I were to comment on a gaffe in your grammer, I might say that in the future it is important to remember that only the first word in your ending (As Always,) should be capitalized (As always,). You also have not stated a single thing that you viewed as proper in the story which while disenchanting, also make it harder to make improvements. To know of the positive points of oneÃ¢Â€Â™s story makes it easier for one to build upon a solid foundation and to have a building plan, if you will, to work from. Without it I do not know if I am doing anything right or If I am merely a lousy author, at least in your eyes.
Still Marauding Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
I think you have a really neat start here. I think you did a great job setting up some tension between Vienna and Sirius so I'm interested to see how that will play out in future chapters. I really liked how you characterized James here, too. I thought it was cute that Lily didn't completely tell him off at the feast, even though she did think about it a little :)
I noticed a few capitalization errors and mis-spelled words, so maybe give this another read-through or look at the beta section on the forums. One thing I noticed was you had the pronouns after dialogue capitalized. You actually did it right a few times, but just so you're aware I noticed a few times where you had something like this: "Sectumpsempra's one of Snape's favorites," She said darkly. -- the "she" shouldn't be capitalized. As far a spelling stuff, it was pretty minor but it did get a little distracting, and I'm sure another thorough read through would clear that up :)
You asked about flow in your request and I did think this moved a little quickly. If you go back and edit maybe work on some of the transitions between getting to the school and dinner. I did see something, but it would up your word count if you gave more than one sentence talking about the carriages. Maybe that could even offer more of an explanation on her parents, which is another thing I wanted to mention. The perspective of this chapter was a little confusing, just because there really wasn't any inner monologue. I had a tough time figuring out who's eyes I was reading this story from. Like I said, maybe add something with the Thestral ride and talk a little more about what her life is like not having parents. Who does she live with now? She was nine, did she see it happen? Was it one of those students' parents that killed her parents? How do her friends deal with it? Just some things you can think about as you continue writing and revising.
Something little with formatting, is the indents in your paragraphs. Since you're writing this on a web page and you have double spaces in-between paragraphs, the indents are kind of distracting.
I didn't get much of the Remus and Sirius yet, but I as far as characterization I want to talk about Peter. I know how easy it is to 'bully' Peter in writing because we know him as a traitor, but he was one of the Marauders best friends during school so that's just something to keep in mind as you characterize him. Like I mentioned above I really liked James. I'm a huge Remus fan so I really liked that he sort of saved the day when she was dueling him. I know this is just the introduction, though, so it's completely normal that it's more of introducing everyone that it is divulging into their characters.
Feel free to re-request for the next chapter! I hope this was a little helpful and I'm looking forward to seeing where this story goes!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review! It was very helpful and I think it will help me refine my techinique as an author an awful lot. I love Remus too, him and Sirius are my favorites:) Report Review
Emesias here with your requested review!
You did a really good job in starting off this story! I surely cannot wait to read on.
Grammar: There were only a few grammatical errors so its no biggie.
Characterization: I really like your original character. She's very full of personality. I also liked how you introduced her in the chapter, James mistaking her for Lily and Vienna going against 5 Slytherins and Severus ^_^ I can't wait to see how she develops throughout the story. Furthermore, I'm loving how you're portraying the Marauders, especially James (still smitten with Lily as always ^_^). So far, their interactions are going pretty well. Maybe adding more description on the characters themselves would help to improve the story.
Plot: The plot is quite interesting! I'm surely hooked on it already! However, there was one part that jumped from one scene to the Great Hall/ First night fest scene. I suggest adding a bit of a transition bit there. Other than that good job!
Overall, I think that you did a very good job on this one ^_^ It's a very good start. I'd love to read more! Feel free to drop another request on my review thread.
Happy Writing!Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review:) I will definately work on making it "less jumpy" as you said. This was really helpful, thanks a bunch!!! Report Review
love love love it! God this is amazing!Author's Response: Thank you SO much! it means a lot:) I'm finally going to start updating again, (sorry!) so be on the lookout for new chapters:) Report Review
Hiya, me again for a second chapter. This is probably all I'm going to do for now, mainly because I'm not a big Marauders' fan, so I'm not sure how helpful I can be in reviewing. For the most part, I think you've captured the Marauder's personalities and characters quite well. And you've got the same school-vibe and Hogwarts details that we generally find in the books, so that's cool.
Again, I think you have a nice introduction to the chapter, here you used a subtle way of showing us that Vienna's on the Quidditch team. Good work with that. (o:
“Ahem,” said a voice from behind them.
“I said James, if you have us out at four I will chuck my bat at you.” She said again without looking up.
Great! I liked this! It serves as a great characterization piece about Vienna too! Not only is it a funny scene, but it shows that she's not so easily swayed or reigned in by James, whereas I'd guess very many students are. And I love that it was Mcgonagall instead of James!
Hm, in the classroom, there's a blond girl and they can't remember who she is. Is she a Gryffindor? Because they've now spent 7 years living, studying, eating, and sleeping with all the same students in their House, so... maybe they momentarily forgot her surname, but in general, I think it would be REALLY difficult to forget who a fellow Gryffindor was. Now, if it was a Slytherin, I also think they'd recognize her, after 7 years in Hogwarts together, but I could buy it more easily that maybe her name has temporarily escaped them. Or she's just so quiet that she was easily forgotten, etc.
Hm, Vienna gave a great Amortentia definition to Slughorn... So she's also very clever and doesn't even need to pay attention much in class? Again, this is getting you closer to Mary-Sue land. Vienna's smart and does great schoolwork, she's cool like the Marauders, she can duel 6 Slytherins on her own, she's on the Quidditich team and Voldemort killed her parents. Hm. Does she have any features which don't seem perfect (or perfectly tragic)...? Remember that real people have flaws. Strengths and weaknesses. And rarely do we love 100% every aspect of a person. But in friendship, we choose to love the person despite those less endearing aspects.
“I’ll escort you. Young ladies such as yourself shouldn’t be wandering the dark castle by themselves, wandless and vulnerable. “She turned around, were he saw two stupendous black eyes blooming, and raised her eyebrows.
Well, I see that you're trying to show Sirius being a bit flirty or...out-of-character compassionate because of his attraction to her. But I think you have to be careful about these out-of-character moments. Sometimes people do something very out of character when they have feelings for someone else, but in writing, we also risk the chance of readers feeling that the character was just poorly written. I think it would be enough just to show Sirius saying he would escort Vienna, and then Vienna mentally noting in her head how Sirius normally ran off with his friends and she'd never known him to stay behind and help someone... Or not in a million years did she think one of them would do something as silly as insisting to escort her, etc. That can show how odd it is that Sirius wants to escort her, because he's concerned, he cares... But the line about 'a young lady being wandless and vulnerable' just seems a bit like over-kill after seeing her in the previous chapter fight 6 Slytherins alone. If you WANT it to seem like over-kill - like Sirius is just REALLY bad at flirting, and being cool, aloof, and hiding his feelings... And if you want it to look like it should be obvious to Vienna about Sirius's feelings, then I think your line would work specifically for that.
Well, another interesting chapter, and I do find myself wondering what else is going to happen to your characters. I'll keep your story in a list of ones to come back to. If you find my reviews helpful at all, and if you'd still like ideas for your later chapters, maybe I can come back when things are slow and read a bit more. Again, these are just my own ideas and suggestions. If they are helpful, great! If they are not - then throw them out and forget about them. It's your story, world, and characters! Have fun with them!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing:) Report Review
Hi there, this is taylorj828 with your requested review.
First of all, you have a pretty good opening. I like the first two lines of dialogue about Vienna not being Lily Evans. It brings the reader into the right setting, calling to mind certain characters and opening us up to your original character.
As far as introducing us to your original character, I want to say that you've done a good job of having the other characters tell us about Vienna... Some of her adventures, escapades, characteristics or qualities. This is a good way to use characters we already know/trust/like to give us a view of the new, unknown one. However, some of it does come across as slightly Mary-Sueish, in that Vienna seems perfectly right or flawless, like she's a perfect fifth Marauder, and this can make some readers a bit wary. Obviously, if she was friends with the Marauders, she'd have to have some characteristics that would endear her to them, but I think it's also important that we see her as an individual, and not as just a copy of those guys.
Hm, so she was dueling Snape and had already fought and rendered 5 Slytherins unconscious ... This looks cool, but also makes her look amazingly powerful. A real hot-shot. This is fine if that's what you want to show, but it can make it a bit less believable for some readers. I want to cheer for her. But if she seems invincible, then there may not be much to cheer for; it's a done deal. This kind of character does seem to fit in with the Marauders (though slightly unbelievable), however, I actually don't like the marauders, so I'm not sure if it's a good thing for me to feel that she fits in perfectly. :oP
Well, regardless, I do think it could help you in endearing your Original Character more to your readers if you could offer more background connections for her. I don't mean just cool stories of her daring risks or amazing spellwork. But from JKR's books we already know about the Marauders, who they are, some things they did. We knew about people who went to school with them, even. We've never heard of them having a good friend, Vienna. I would find it interesting to hear a bit of reminiscing or brief mentions in conversation about how they first met Vienna, or some unlucky incident in Hogwarts, or some argument she'd had with Lily, or how she'd had detention with James or... You did do this a bit, here, but most of it was super-cool things she had done, and normally as teenagers, we also do super-stupid or embarrassing things. (o: I dunno, maybe these things will be in your other chapters, but they do help flesh our the character a bit more, so we have a more concrete idea of how she's connected to these boys. Especially since we've always just thought of the 4 boys. It seems like she's going to be a good friend of theirs in this story - but how did it all happen? OR, is she really just an acquaintance they've only ever seen around the common room here and there, in their classes in the back row or something...?
I wonder about the usage of names too, and is it intentional? Sometimes they call each other by first names, sometimes last names. Maybe I've just missed it, if there's a pattern that shows certain characters using names a certain way, depending on their closeness...?
But why would they kill her parents? I understand that they were well-known and successful Aurors, but is there anything more to the story? Or they were just picked at random? These minute details help readers really latch onto a more concrete world you're creating. But maybe there is more about this later in the story? Also, this does sound a lot like Harry - parents killed, shipped off to Muggle aunt... Just be cautious. (And I should have warned you that I'm neither of fan of the Marauders, nor am I very forgiving of Original Characters. But everything I suggest here are just ideas to help improve your writing - whether here, or in your next story... And always remember, each reviewer is just 1 person, so take whatever is helpful to you, and throw up the rest. It's your story, and it should be fun for you. (o: )
Well, it's a nice start and it's interesting, wondering what's going to happen with Vienna and the Marauders. Also it's fun seeing how the various guys interact with her, and I'm sure at least one of them is in love, or falling in love with her. (o; I think I can do another chapter at least, so you should get another review from me!Author's Response: Thanks so much:) Report Review
Hello there! Second chapter! :)
It was wonderful. Started off nicely. Nice humor put in there with the schedule part and chucking a bat at James and McGonagal right behing him. Good humor there. :)
A few things:
You spelled it Pomfry, and I believe the correct spelling Pomfrey. ;)
And you also had Mooney, when it is Moony. :)
Just all for future reference. They aren't that big of a deal to just skip over while reading.
Vienna's character is really starting to develop here, and you're doing it well. Not by dwelling on her characteristics and such, but by going along with the story and developing it with the plot. When Lily walked through and James asked why she wouldn't date him, Vienna's response really shows more of her character. That she's a down to earth girl who will really say the truth most of the time. It was funny to read that she said because he was a part.
Also I must say. I'm glad that you have included Peter in the majority of your story! Mostly in Marauder fics he is left out or has already defected over to the Slytherins/Death Eaters. It's nice to see that he is still sticking around and hasn't been forgotten. ;)
You're doing this very well. Really nice story here. The plot is developing well. :)
Forum Name: Phoenix_Flames
House: HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing:)
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested. :)
This was a lovely opening chapter here. Very interesting story you have, and I look forward to where you take it. Very different take on a Marauders story, but I'm already enjoying it.
I thought it was quite funny that James mistook Alden for Lily. I'm quite surprised actually. Since James was always so into Lily you think he would have her memorized from front to back. But then again maybe Snape wanted to jinx her to trick James on purpose. :P Very clever scene. Never read anything like it. Really well done!
Vienna seems like a very neat character. Very original and full of personality. The way you introduced her was lovely with the whole train scene and hair fiasco. I don't blame her for being mad, and it was a nice way to show her qualities and traits in such an instance. And interesting name! I find it quite JRK-ish. So good job there!
Over all, a wonderful introductory chapter. The Marauders seem as crazy as ever and Mr. Prongs as love-struck as ever. ;)
I saw that you said this is your first fanfic, and for your first fanfic, I am quite impressed! Really. Wonderful job. Yes, there were a few mistakes here and there with grammar and such, but as for characters and story line go, you have really done a wonderful job and it doesn't really need much revamping in that area at all! Splendid job!
Thanks for requesting! :)
Forum Name: Phoenix_Flames
House: HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Thanks a ton! this was totally helpful:) Report Review
Hello there! I'm phoenixflames19 on the forums, and in the next day or so I'll be reviewing your chapters!
So, already we see Sirius has a soft spot for Vienna? That was pretty quick. But no matter, it will make it interesting! I can't wait to see how long it takees her to figure it out-- I have a feeling she'll be oblivious for quite some time!
As for your concerns about re-vamping anything, I don't think you need to just yet. This seems good to me. I love Marauder's era so I am excited to read where you take this.
wbm/pfAuthor's Response: Thanks so much :) Report Review
Aw that's so sweet =] I hope he doesn't end up breaking her heart =(Author's Response: You'll have to see... :) Report Review
Love this. :)
So interesting so far, but I'm totes jealous that you got to go to Harry Potter World. :( I don't get to go until next year for my senior trip!
Anyway, I love your OC and I laughed aloud several times. Keep it up! :)Author's Response: Thanks so much :) It was SO cool, you'll love it! it looks exactly right! :D Report Review
Cool story so far. :)
I love the hotheaded OC. Very nice.
I'll be looking for updates! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the feedback:) Dont worry, the hotheadedness continues, lol Report Review
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