I've enjoyed this story! I was looking for Severus pairings and found it. It's really original and I like the Black ladies' interaction. I can't think of anything constructive to say because the story seems well written. Report Review
Such a good storyline. I love an intelligent sexy snape :) just keep writing at your own pace and don't stress out if you can't find time. Christmas season is busy but have fun! Report Review
AH! They just need to get together already! the sexual tension in this chapter, even if faked, all about killed me!Author's Response: Haha, so sorry!! I know I'm taking a while to put them together, but I want their relationship to develop. I promise they'll get together soon though! Report Review
Finally an update! I did appreciate the greater description in the chapter but you might have gone a tad bit over board when describing the book, I think a shorter more summarized description would be better.
can't wait for the next one!Author's Response: Thank you! Yeah, I did have a bit of trouble with the book part. I wasn't sure if I was describing it well, so I ending up putting too much information in. I'll fix that. Thank you! Report Review
Hello there, hun! I'm here for the next chapter. Finally! I'm so sorry about that wait. Please forgive me. I'm just glad that I finally had time for this. Thank you for reminding me to return!
A great fourth chapter here! Your descriptions of Persephone's first time at Hogwarts was perfect. You went into detail, telling is what she liked, etc. But you really didn't drag it on and on, and that's wonderful. A reader never wants that, and you did a great job avoiding the whole boring marker. While you gave us good details, it was short, sweet, and too the point. Just the perfect length and staying on your toes with the plot. Which is making good progress! Really brilliant.
I loved her witty attitude with Snape here in this chapter. That was absolutely hilarious. It reminded me of Harry and the whole 'there's no need to call me sir, professor.' Really funny attitude, and of course, Snape doesn't take it well.
You wrote Snape awesomely. Thinking he's King of Everything. I thought you really nailed his character, and I almost laughed at his snooty attitude because it was so dead-on. And I think good call with Madam Pomfrey also. I can easily see her requesting Snape specifically for his potion brewing talents.
A fairly short chapter, but wonderful nonetheless. You made good progress with the plot, and again, you got a lot described there in the beginning with that small time transition. Really well organized.
Ah! And then a somewhat foreboding end to the chapter. It was somewhat climatic to me within her thoughts, saying Voldemort would figure out her secrets. It was a simple way to pull the reader back into the darker side of things with your plot. Cleverly done.
Nothing bad at all! My only bit of criticism is that when Snape addresses Persephone, you sometimes use a comma to separate Miss Nosova and the rest of the dialogue, and others you don't. From what I know, it is grammatically correct to have the comma there, but it's better to have them appear in unity. So I would either have that separating comma there for either all or none. It's up to you. But that's it!
Really great chapter. Thank you for pulling me back to this story. Once again, I'm quite full with my queue so I will be back soon. But feel free to come request for the next chapter at any time if you want to jump back in my queue. Thanks! :) Report Review
LOVE IT! I am very impressed with out writing. Its a great story and has an amazing plot. (Hate to admit but much better than mine...) Keep it up! And i wanna see another chapter soon. Wouldn't want to keep your lovely, weapon toting fans waiting now would you???Author's Response: Haha, thank you!! I'm glad you like my story =D And I will hopefully have another chapter up soon. My muse has been hiding lately, but I'm sure she'll come around eventually Report Review
Snape is perfect. I give you so much credit for writing him because I think I'd really struggle to be able to really capture his essence, but you definitely. It's his lines to his looks to the way he immediately tired to probe her mind.
I also found it really interesting that Firenze was the one to show her around. It fits in with Firenze's character, and in some ways, so is the flirting :) He is such a minor character so easily forgotten so I commend you for not over looking him.
The whole introduction scene was quite good. It's the part of school life you don't see but it's got to happen and I like how it played out.
Persephone continues to be a lovely character. I liked her quip on first impressions. She also showed a little of her Black side by trying to probe Snape's mind back.
Writing wise it is still very strong. I noticed you used 'sly' to describe a look from both Dumbledore and Snape quite close together in the story, minor, and something a run through can pick up.
This is building up to be quite an interesting story. I'll be happy to continue reviewing the remaining chapters for you if you'd like, just re-post in my thread (I stick to three chapters so I don't get totally over whelmed). Well done on your first three chapters, I really enjoyed them.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lovely review!!! This was very helpful and I appreciate all the details you mentioned. I love knowing what I'm doing right.
I was especially worried about Firenze. He is such a minor character that I was worried I wouldn't be able to portray him correctly.
I will definitely re-request! Thank you so much!
This was a really enjoyable chapter and really progressed the plot along. I love the atmosphere that you have created with Malfoy Manor and it's inhabitants. It's all very proper.
I do love Persephone. She's very proper but I love her determination and love for healing. I think she loves her blood status but at the same time and doesn't want her name smeared.
Dumbledore was written very nicely and so was Draco. I loved his attitude when he first met Persephone, he was quite affronted and somewhat territorial.
I'm curious to exactly why Persephone wants to finish her internship at Hogwarts. In this chapter it sounds like it was to be closer to Draco, but she didn't know about him when she first decided to go to Hogarts. I suggest making her reasons slightly clearer, or atleats alluding to them in the first chapter.
You don't always use contractions when you write the dialogue ie "[I will] officially be completing my internship at Hogwarts" = [I'll] It makes the dialogue quite formal and not how people normally speak. This might be what you are after, I just thought I'd point it out though.
This was a really nice chapter :) i enjoyed it.Author's Response: Thank you for another lovely review! It's really encouraging to know I'm doing alright with the characters.
Well, I thought I had made Persephone's intent for going to Hogwarts more clear, but I'll go back and edit that in. Draco was born when Persephone was a kid, and she assumed that when Narcissa asked her to say with "us" she meant that something was wrong with Draco. I will go make the clearer though. Thank you.
Oh, the lack of contractions are completely unintentional. I actually don't use a lot of contractions in my own speech, so whenever I write dialogue it has a habit of slipping in. I really appreciate you pointing that out.
Again, thank you so much for the review! It was very helpful! Report Review
Hi electricfeel from the forums here with your review. I'm so sorry for the wait, my internet broke for a while there, but I'm finally back online. YAY!
I think my favourite thing about this is how well it fits into canon. It's quite cleverly done and it makes it easier to understand Narcissa's pain and worry. I also like Persephone, I feel like we saw two sides to her, the side that takes charge and is strong, like when she shouts at the Healer, or when she speaks to Narcissa. But we also see her softer, more submissive side when she speaks to Healer Turov. It's an interesting combination.
I'm also really interested to see how working at Hogwarts will turn out. I imagine it would be an interesting job anyway, but I'm left wondering how it will tie into the plot with the Malfoys (that's if it even does!).
Overall, it was a good opening chapter, but, I felt like it wasn't amazing. I feel like there was a little something missing. Your grammar was all fine and you did leave it on a cliffhanger. But I think because we know what happens next with Snape, it doesn't seem all that surprising. I do think, however, that most readers would give it a chance, because your writing is quite good and it is an interesting premise.
Anyways, I did enjoy it and I hope my review was helpful :)Author's Response: Hello!! Thank you for writing such an encompassing review. It's been ridiculously helpful and I plan on making changes right away.
Thank you, I'm glad you like Persephone. I was afraid I had fallen into the cliche of making a "perfect" OC.
Oh, you'll get to see how it all ties together! =]
Hmm, I hadn't thought about that. I was focusing so much on the romance of the story I hadn't even considered how dull it might be because I stick so close to the cannon. I will try to spice things up a bit. Thank you for the tip!
Your review was very helpful!! Thank you so much!! Report Review
Hello, Ravenclaw_princess here for your requested review.
I like your story is far, there is definite dark undertones flicking through it. The story works really well with the canon elements.
I like Persephone so far, she seems quite strong and independent, especially when put beside Narcissa who came across as very weak and scared, a reflection of the toll the war is taking on her. It's interesting that she wanted to go to Hogwarts to finish her internship. I guess Hogwarts would see it's fair share of magical induced ailments though.
For the story itself, while the is some mystery eluded to at the end with Snape, the chapter doesn't build too much excitement to make the story that memorable, which is something you want to get readers returning. It is very well written though and grammar and spelling were pretty good. There were a couple of errors but another read over will correct them.
Persephone's reply to the letter seemed quite formal, even for her upper class pure blood nature. You also asked about her nickname. It's not that much shorter to really be a nickname I guess, but it does soften the name Persephone which is quite a strong name. So I guess I kind of like it, but I would imagine it would more likely be shortened further in conversation to Seph.
There was lots of lovely description through your story and Persophone put across a very aristocratic air which suits her pure blood status as well. Over all, good job.Author's Response: Hello there!!
Thank you! I'm glad you like Persephone. You have a great point with her nickname though. I think I will go through and change the dialogue bits to refer to her as Seph. I hadn't even thought of that one.
You're not the first person to tell me that there isn't enough excitement in the chapter. I tried going back through an adding a more exciting beginning (not sure if you read it, seeing as it was in the validation queue when I requested you) but I'll try to think of something to spice it up. Thank you.
But thank you for such a great review! I really appreciate it and it was very helpful! Report Review
Hello there! Back for chapter three!
And what a great chapter! You're still setting up the story and doing a great job of it. You're introducing the characters perfectly. They are all spot on, I feel, and perfect according to the HP books and I continue to feel like Persephone is a lovely character. She is absolutely brilliant. Just wonderful.
Dumbledore's character was done very well, and I loved the introduction of Snape. Really well done! And I loved your inclusion of Firenze. I loved that. I feel like a lot of times he is forgotten about, but he was there at one point just as much as any other professor was!
Really great chapter. I can't wait to see where this story will go.
Once again, I'm going to empty out my queue and then I will return for the next chapter. :) Thanks so much for introducing me to this story! :)Author's Response: Thanks for getting back to me so quickly! Aw, thank you so much! It's such a relief to know my characterization is good.
Hehe, thank you! I just happen to really like Firenze and thought he'd be a nice addition.
Awh, thank you so much. I'm so glad you like reading my story. Your reviews are always so lovely and a huge boost to my confidence! =D Report Review
"and we'll all make it out of this alive" that's my favorite line so far.
You're a wonderful writer.
Can't wait for the next chapter.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm very glad you enjoy my writing. The next chapter is in progress so it will hopefully be up here soon! Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Hey there again. :)
So, nice chapter. I like the way Persephone is developing. It's strange, but I was expecting her to be older, but I suppose it makes sense for her to be rather young since she is a healer intern. And the name Persephone is really fitting for your character. I think it's a good choice.
Albus and Draco, I thought, were characterised very well too. I think you're very good a writing characters true to canon, at least from what I've read.
One thing that kind of bugged me: I thought it was strange that it took them such a short time to get to Hogwarts. I was under the impression that it would take a lot longer because they would have to walk from Hogsmeade to the Hogwarts gate, then cross the grounds before even entering the castle. Then they would have to go all the way to the seventh floor to get to the headmaster's office, which, even with shortcuts, I would assume takes some time. I guess what I'm saying is it didn't feel very realistic without expressing how long it took.
But asides from that, great work!Author's Response: Haha, it's funny you should mention her age. I actually decided after I had written the first couple of chapters to make her quite a bit older. I hadn't done my math correctly and I realized that she was much younger than I had intended her to be. I actually rewrote the first few chapters to place her at 28 instead of 21. I thought I had corrected her age everywhere that it was mentioned, but apparently not. Thank you so, so much for bringing this to my attention.
Wow, I hadn't even thought about the journey to Hogwarts. I sort of skimmed over it because I didn't want to drag it out in fear of boring the readers. I can definitely go back and add that in however.
Thank you so much for your reviews. They are so very helpful, I really do appreciate it! Report Review
Hey there, macadamianwonders here with your requested review. I'm so sorry I took so long, but I'll just get on with it.
I think you have a great writing style. I loved the way everything was written, the flow, the descriptions. It created this sort of pureblood atmosphere, if you will.
I haven't read too many Narcissa stories, especially from this time period; she's definitely an underloved character. I think that you portrayed her and her grief very well. I think a lot of people forget that it was also difficult for people on voldemort's side as well. There was lots of struggle and fear and everything, so it's really good how you showed that. I also think Persephone has the potential to be an interesting character. In this chapter, I didn't learn much about her, which is strange seeing as this was from her perspective. However, she could just be a reserved, aloof character who doesn't talk/think much about herself. I don't know if that makes sense. Well, what I mean to say is I don't think you should change anything.
As for the plot, I thought it moved along very quickly. A little bit too quickly. I think it felt like I had started reading in the middle of the story, not the beginning. Perhaps you may want to stretch the chapter a bit? Flesh it out a little more? Particularly at St. Mungo's - I would have liked to know more about hospitals in other countries.
So I shall see how many chapters I get done. Great job :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you liked my writing, and I'm so thankful that you gave me an honest review. It really helps me improve my writing.
I actually think I have decided to add a prologue/rewrite this chapter to include more of Persephone working at St. Mungo's. You're not the first person to tell me that the first chapter felt out of place, and now I think I have a better feel on what the readers would like to see.
Thank you for the help! Report Review
Hello there! Kirstenalanna from the forums with your requested review.
Okay, this is going to be harsh...but yeah. Okay, so in my opinion when you start the first chapter of any story it has to entice the readers into wanting to continue reading it. The first paragraph is paramount in developing this. You started this chapter with a letter- it answered all the questions and didn't leave any room for me to wonder who, what, where and why. I wasn't attracted to the story immediatly, so continueing to read became difficult.
I'd suggest writing an actual prologue. A shorter chapter that reveals a little bit, but leaves room for me as a reader to ask questions and continue to read to get those questions answered.
From what I read, it seems to be okay. A little flat and boring in some spaces but it is only the first chapter.
I didn't like the letters in the beginning. Don't tell what starts the story off, show.
From what I read, it has promise. Just don't get lost in telling everything. You want to give the reader the invitation to imagine. Show, don't tell. Us readers are a picky sort.
Don't get me wrong, I do like this story. You did request harsh... :)
KirstenalannaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the honest review. This is exactly what I was looking for. I really do appreciate your honesty, because now I have some things I can fix.
I didn't realize that the beginning really had left no room to wonder, so I am going to go back and rewrite this entire chapter and try to leave some questions unanswered. I got so caught up in setting up my OC's background that I answered too much too fast. Thank you so much for the pointers. I really appreciate it! Report Review
Hello there! Here with your review for chapter two!
And what a great chapter. :) Just like the first, I loved it. You really have a unique story coming along here. I find it hard to find good fics that focus on the Slytherins and people associated with the Malfoys and etc. It's difficult to find ones that keep you on the edge of your seat the entire time and ones that have good OCs. And here in this story you have done both. You have me intrigued the entire time, and your main OC is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I can't remember if I mentioned this or not, but the name alone sets her apart from all the other OCs out there! It's a very JKR-ish name and fits into the Potter-verse perfectly.
Really great job! I also thought you did a great job with Albus. He seemed just right in character too.
Once again my queue is backed up. So I will go through and empty it out, then I will return. However, if you haven't heard from me in two or three days, come request the next chapter! I can't wait to read more. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the compliments!! It means so much to me that you like my OC and the plot.
I'm glad you like her name, too! One of my pet peeves is OCs that have un-JKRish names. I wanted something that would fit in with her name theme, and it's great to know that I was successful!
Thank you for the review, I will definitely request you again. =D Report Review
Hey there :) Sorry it's taken me a little longer than usual to review; graduate school has officially eaten my life :)
I totally loved this chapter! It was a great little change of scenery from the usual action at Hogwarts. I love the idea of using Narcissa's party to set up an interesting situation for Persephone and Snape, and I think you executed it very well. I also love the complexity of Persephone's character; she's no longer just an intelligent witch with a smart mouth, but she's also shown here that she has a great ability to use her feminine wiles to her advantage. She's clearly a multidimensional person, and a character as complicated as Snape definitely deserves a woman just as tricky as he is, in my opinion. Looks like he really has met his match!
I think I may have inspired you a little bit with my ideas in this one. The ending was fantastic. I loved the little bit of banter between Bellatrix and Persephone, and also the battle of wits between Persephone and Snape. The dance itself was definitely my favorite part, though. I was on the edge of my seat because the tension was just so incredibly palpable. Well done -- that is the effect good imagery can have on the reader! :)
AWESOME job! Waiting with bated breath for chapter 11 :)
academicaAuthor's Response: Aw, it's totally okay. I'm just honored that you always review without me having to request it. It feels like a special privilege =D
I'm so glad you liked this chapter. I was very worried about falling into the typical "dance party where x-couple falls in love" plot. I wanted to switch up the Hogwarts atmosphere but I really detest unoriginal plot lines.
I totally agree with you on Snape though! I am trying my hardest to give him a woman who is just as tricksy as he is, and it's good to know that I'm doing a pretty good job. Thank you!
Haha, you definitely inspired me for this chapter. I hadn't thought about Bella and Snape interacting much, and I wanted to give Bella a really good reason to go after Snape. I'm glad you liked her banter with Persephone too. I was worried about my portrayal of Bellatrix. She's such a complicated character and I wanted to do her justice.
Thank you so much for all the compliments and for a wonderful review as always. You encouragement definitely helps me keep up with my writing. THANK YOU!! Report Review
wow. great chapter. snape finally knows who she is. i loved the intimate contact and the dance. great work.
ADAuthor's Response: Thank you!!! Report Review
hey there. this was another good chapter. Liked it, 10/10 =)
ADAuthor's Response: Thank you!!! Glad you liked it! =D Report Review
Hello again :)
I liked your re-telling of the Christmas party scene; that's one of my favorites from the sixth book. I also liked how you made Persephone, not Bellatrix, the one to help Draco with his Occlumency. Should make her relationship with Snape ever more complex, huh? :) I, for one, would love to see them go at it in a duel of the minds, so to speak. (But then, I always wanted Snape and Bellatrix to have more interaction in the canon series, seeing as they were both so brilliant.)
I did notice that you were spelling Filch wrong throughout this chapter; it doesn't need the 't', so you may want to go back and edit that at some point. There was also a confusing bit toward the end when you were talking about Draco getting the Mark... what do you mean, the Dark Lord put his wand to Draco's "skill"? A typo, perhaps? :)
I also loved that you really dove into Draco's emotions; they're such an important part of his role in Half-Blood Prince. You conveyed them realistically and, as always, your characterization of Draco is simply superb. I love the way Persephone dug at him, and I think your portrayal of Lucius as an abusive father and husband is appropriate here. I think it would be really interesting if later on Draco found out about Persephone and Severus (when they get together, I mean) by penetrating her mind with Occlumency. Okay, okay, enough ideas from me. It's your story, and it's so wonderful as is! :)
Awesome chapter! Keep 'em coming, please!
academicaAuthor's Response: Hello again, and thank you so much for your review!!
I can't believe I made so many typos. Thank you so, so much for pointing them out. I am going to fix them right away. And yes, I definitely meant "skull" and not "skill."
I'm glad you liked the rest of the chapter, though!! And thank you so much for the ideas. I love your input and I really appreciate the long reviews.
Again, thank you so much!
Hi there! I'm here with your review as requested! :) First off, I want to apologize for the extremely long wait. I've been really busy the past two weeks in the process of packing up my things and moving states. But I finally had time to read!
And this seems like a great start to what I'm sure will be a brilliant story. It is very original and quite unique! Persephone seems like a brilliant character! She is original and not at all Mary-Sue. You've done a good job with giving her life and making her her own character! She is the right kind of character to fit in with their crowd, but she is also kind and caring in her own way. We can see that when she encourages Narcissa about Draco.
Really good job. And the way you have portrayed her relationship with Narcissa was wonderful.
Really great chapter, and I'm so curious to see where you take this story. It will be wonderful. You did a great job with this opening chapter: not too much descriptions or introductions. There was the perfect balance of everything going on, and it all flowed so nicely.
Really well done! I hope to come back for the next chapter soon, but since my queue is so backed up, I'm going to move on the next and empty it out. Then I will return for the next few chapters. If you haven't heard from me in a few days, come request the next chapter. :)
Thanks! And great job!Author's Response: Don't worry about it at all! I just finished moving into college and I totally understand how hectic moving can be.
Thank you for such a lovely review!! I look forward to your next review, I shall definitely rerequest. Report Review
Well, the scene has just been set, so there is not much to say about plot flow just yet. Also, as a large chunk of the chapter was dedicated to introducing your OC, comments regarding out of character behaviour would be premature. I do have one concern and that is your use of dialogue. All the characters sound the same (and a bit too stiff and formal). This won't aid in creating characters that the reader can truly associate with - whether it means admiring or despising the character. The characters' personalities simply do not come through strongly enough in this chapter. I suggest that you draft character biographies and engage the services of a beta skilled in the area of dialogue.
Happy writing!Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing!!
I was going for very formal dialogue, seeing as Narcissa is generally a really haughty pureblood, "aristocrat" but I hadn't thought about that putting distance between the reader and the story. Thank you for all your suggestions! I will definitely take them into consideration when writing the next chapters. Thanks for all of your help! Report Review
*claps* I loved this chapter!!
It had something new and different from the story line so far =) The entire encounter with Draco was done really well.
You have characterized Draco spot-on too. I think you really have a knack of writing characters quite like how the readers always imagine them to be.
I really liked the idea of the whole double protean charm. That was very clever of Persephone. She seems intelligent, well-versed with both the dark and light side, is fierce and determined as well as has a tender side to herself, plus she's helpful and loyal to her family, and cautious and witty too. I think you've truly created a character who is a wonderful match for Snape. I am just wondering as to how things are going to turn out between them now that Persephone has to "gain his trust".
I really found this chapter amazing, one of the best in the fic so far. I am really liking this story a lot and glad that you requested for this in my review thread. Please feel free to re-request once the next chapter is up!
Keep writing, great work!! 10/10
Forum name: AditiDraco95
House: SLYTHERINAuthor's Response: Thank you! It's really encouraging to know that I'm doing well with portraying the original characters. I worry about that a lot, actually. It's also wonderful to know that Persephone is coming across just as I meant her to be!
I would like to thank you again for taking the time to review after every chapter. I really appreciate your comments, and the encouragement is definitely needed! I will definitely re-request you for my next chapter. Thank you for everything, and I'm so glad that you've enjoyed reading my story!! Report Review
I think this was a very nicely written chapter. I liked to see more of Firenze. You have written him quite well too. His "mysterious" character is done beautifully I think.
Also, It was a very nice touch to show a different side of your OC here. I liked reading how she was focused on her job and so dedicated to the patient. Another thing is that this is going hand-in-hand with the actual HBP events which is very good.
Snape's thoughts of Sephoney were well portrayed too. I can see something building up now strongly.
I like how you've kept everything so natural and gradual. I have found absolutely nothing to criticize anything in the story so far!! You're doing great, 10/10!
Forum name: AditiDraco95
House: SLYTHERINAuthor's Response: I'm so glad you're liking my story! I'm also flattered that you haven't found anything to criticize yet. I hope I don't disappoint you in future chapters!
I'm also glad Firenze hasn't creeped you out. I'm trying to keep him worked into the story but he's a difficult one to write.
Thanks again for the wonderful review!! Report Review
Hello again =D
Oooh, I am loving these interactions between Snape and Persephone! I think it was a really good idea to have Sephoney brew the potion for Snape. And also her adding her own little things and proving she's smart put Snape on edge. I loved how you captured that scene.
Your narrative and descriptions are really good. Snape's irritation comes off really well.
Also I like Persephone's character more and more as I go on reading. You have created her perfectly.
I think this was one of the best chapters of this fic. Great work here, 10/10!!
Quickly going to the next chapter now!
Forum name: AditiDraco95
House: SLYTHERINAuthor's Response: I'm so glad that you enjoy reading them interact! It's also good to know that my descriptions are done well. I really appreciate that you review on so many aspects of my writing. It really helps let me know what I can improve upon. Thanks again! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection