13 Reviews Found

Review #1, by CherryBoom The One and Only Chapter

4th November 2012:
Hmm... I dunno what to make of this one-shot. Technically it was perfectly written, but I think that is part of the problem. The girl didn't feel real, and the way Lee described her was more akin to romance novel writing than how a teenage boy would describe his girlfriend.

I do like your twins a lot. They were in fact the best part of this fic. Their dialogue was really well done, but somehow it felt odd that Lee wouldn't participate in discussion at all, considering that he was a rather mouthy Quidditch commentator. I understand that it's a stylistic choice, but it didn't feel very canon.

That said, you know how to describe things very well, but maybe simplifying wouldn't hurt here. I wouldn't be least bit surprised if you stated that you like to read romance novels on your past time, because your writing in this fic has some typical things for that genre. Maybe it's just this fic, I dunno.

I'm much more interested in Forge's plans for Umbridge's demise than about the kissing scene, and it would have been fun if you'd have followed that avenue in this story. But that's just me. =)

Author's Response: Thanks for this review.

I'm still not sure where this one-shot came from. I might go through and re-write it someday but chances are I will just do a different fic with the twins.

To be honest, I don't read romance novels at all. I have no idea where the ending of this fic came from. It was a twist that came out of nowhere and I thought it would be fun and a slightly different way to write things.

Thanks again for your review. It's really appreciated :D


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Review #2, by TheGoldenKneazle The One and Only Chapter

9th October 2012:
Hee I did like this bit of fun! There wasn't much plot but it still felt fulfilling and like I'd been taken on a journey (perhaps one of discovery, that Lee Jordan was about! I loved not seeing that coming). It feels like the calm before the storm that Umbridge and then her demise brings.

All your description was so lovely, it really set the scene perfectly and made the reader feel right at home there beside Hogwarts. It also reinforced the falsely calm feeling, and loved how you described the beauties of the day - nothing felt like it was dragging, but you had the dialogue/description balance down so well :D

I loved your characterisations of the four (three?) characters so much, too! Fred and George were so in-canon-ly portrayed, with their sentence-finishing and not giving away all their pranking plans. My favourite line was Sometimes one had to wonder whether these two even knew themselves separately because it rings so true!

I loved your Lee and the mysterious girl, too - they were happy enough to give a hopeful air to your scene and it was a nice snapshot into their lives :D

Author's Response: Thank you!!! I'm glad you enjoyed it :D

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Review #3, by Sakurasou The One and Only Chapter

4th August 2011:
I loved this oneshot! Firstly, your imagery and description were gorgeous, as I was reading the first paragraph I was blown away. This line; 'It fell down her back and waved slightly, as if the hair wanted to curl but didnít quite have the energy.' is stunning, I absolutely adore it.

I liked the banter between the twins, and I thought that it flowed nicely. They actually reminded me of Tweddle Dee and Tweedle Dum sometimes (though maybe that's because I now have Alice in Wonderland in my mind XD).

The shift in point of view was sudden, though I liked the suddenness, it was a nice surprise. A really clever idea.

Excellent oneshot! :D

-SakuraSou
Hufflepuff

Author's Response: Thanks heaps for this. It made my day :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!!

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Review #4, by Phoenix_Flames The One and Only Chapter

22nd May 2011:
Hello there. I'm here with your review as requested!

This was a rather enjoyable little one-shot. I smiled and at sometimes I laughed. I loved what you had here. It was original and clever.

While the plot itself was good, I think the structure of the story could use a little help. I don't quite understand why there are like five lines between each paragraph. I think those could be edited out and save your readers some scrolling. Then while your dialogue was cute and clever, it seemed rocky to me, jumping from person to person. I would add a little facial expression or deeper description here and there to give it a nicer flow. Then some of your actions and descriptions seemed a little forced. Take your time to enjoy it all. :)

Other than that it was absolutely lovely! Really well done job. :)

Drue

Author's Response: Thanks Heaps! I will edit this story eventually :P

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Review #5, by justonemorefic The One and Only Chapter

16th May 2011:
Huh! That was unexpected! xD

Somehow I imagined some Lord Byron, lounging in the bushes with his ladyfriend muse and out come two tramps a-tromping. Or at least, that's the image I got. Oh those romantic poets. I think your narrator Lee here is one.

I think some people mentioned it before, it was a bit of a quick shift. I didn't expect it, certainly (that invisible lover). It's an interesting concept, but I think it needs a little more transition there. It does feel like two different stories almost. I think adding some clever description and some repetition might help :)

Author's Response: Thank you!! When I have some more time I will look back over this. Thanks for the review though.

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Review #6, by Dalek194 The One and Only Chapter

13th May 2011:
A very enjoyable-to-read, wonderfully descriptive piece of fluff. I like how you personify the air and the day at the beginning. The description and detail is rich throughout, Fred and George are perfectly in character, and the twist at the end revealing that the whole thing was actually in first person was clever; it explains why Fred and George are exactly identical, not even a wild strand of hair to tell them appart (to Lee's eyes), and why the girl is described as so beautiful.

Who was the girl, by the way? Was she an OC? But it kind of worked not giving her a name. The only other thing I would say is that it seems very odd when the POV suddenly is revealed as Lee's; maybe you could link that part a bit better.

However, overall, this story was a rich-in-detail, enjoyable to read, cleverly done one-shot, good work!

Author's Response: Hey thanks heaps! I was originally writing it in first person but I somehow felt it was like someone was commenting so I changed it :P. I don't actually know who the girl was. It could have been an OC, it could have been someone in cannon. My muse just demanded that I put here in there :P. Thanks again!!

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Review #7, by ravenclaw_princess The One and Only Chapter

13th May 2011:
The whole first person thing came as a bit of surprise at the end but it worked really well. Although how Lee was watching the whole scene is a bit of a mystery. The transition from the Forge scene to the one with Lee seemed a little fast and in some ways they hardly seem like they are connected at all. I would suggest trying to link the two parts a little more. There is a little bit at the end which brings back the start of the story, and it might be a good to add a few more. my other suggestion would be adding a little more detail when Lee first appears to the girl.

I liked your characterisation of Fred and George and how they finished each others sentences. They were quite in cannon. A few times the dialogue seemed a little formal for idle banter, but it was enjoyable to read and there were some witty lines,

Your descriptions were really nice and they captured the beauty of the surroundings really well. I also liked how you drew the scenery back to the characters with Fred and George not noticing it, yet the Lee and his girl did. There were some really nice sentences with lovely detail. My only tip would be to vary the style and length of them as quite often they are two phrases separated with a comma, which can also break the flow a little. The first paragraph is the main area where there is an abundance of comma's.

Over all, you have a nice little one shot and your descriptive paragraphs are really good.

Author's Response: Thank you!! This was a really helpful review and I will definatly try to incorperate some of your ideas when I get round to editing this!

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Review #8, by Trundlebug The One and Only Chapter

12th May 2011:
Very nice and a good surprising change on the whole POV thing. I loved that twist! Gred and Forge are very alive in this story and incredibly fun to read.

I enjoyed it immensely.

Author's Response: Thanks! I enjoyed writing it as well :)

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Review #9, by weasleygirl22 The One and Only Chapter

7th May 2011:
The perspective was really interesting, and it was brave of you to make it first person but not let on who the narrator was until later in the story. You definitely have potential as a writer.

There are a few improvements you could make though. The dialogue seems a bit forced at times, you should try to make it seem more natural and flowy. I know this is just a one-shot, but a beta reader can be super helpful with this type of thing. There were a few types also such as 'by' instead of 'my' but those are easily changed.

Overall, not a decent story with a lot of potential.

Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback

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Review #10, by charlottetrips The One and Only Chapter

3rd May 2011:
The words you used to describe the atmosphere of the day, the beauty that Lee saw around him, were exquisite. I enjoyed the life you granted the trees and grass. This piece was definitely an idyllic moment for Lee and his girlfriend and I think you captured that well.

A few things:

1) "bright shock of bright orange hair" - a bit repetitive
2) "brushed [by] lips" - [my]
3) "lips [in] mine" - [with]

For some reason, I adored this line: "It fell down her back and waved slightly, as if the hair wanted to curl but didnít quite have the energy."

The dialogue between the girl and "Forge" was spot-on, these mischievous Weasleys always looking out for the next prank, but showcasing their genius! :)

~Char

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I will go back and edit this piece with these changes. I definatly had fun writing this so I'm glad someone enjoyed the conversation! Thanks again.

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Review #11, by NaidatheRavenclaw The One and Only Chapter

1st May 2011:
This was very good! Is this one of your first stories? If so, I think it's great for a writer who's just starting out.

My favorite part of this was the writing in general. Your descriptions were incredible. The writing showed a lot of potential for me, and I think you could really go far with this talent.

As for the plot, I'm a bit confused. I know it was a one-shot, but I saw absolutely no correlation between your part with the twins and the part with Lee. Maybe that was just me not reading it right, but I do think you need a little transition in between them. Also a bit confused as to how Lee was watching this the entire time, as it was his PoV. So just clear it up a bit and I think you'll be fine!

Other than that, I loved the characterization. The formatting was a little far apart, but it wasn't too distracting. Overall, I think it was a good, abit a fluffy, one-shot. Great job!

Author's Response: Thanks. Yes this is one of my first stories. This piece was actually first person the whole way through from Lee's point of view. I was writing it third person and got halfway through and was like "Hey this reads like someone's internal thoughts" so I decided that that's what it would be :). I was slightly worried about it getting confusing though. I might look over it and see if I can make it read better.
Thanks again!


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Review #12, by HarrietHopkirk The One and Only Chapter

1st May 2011:
LoopyLemon! I'm here with your reviews from the Bronze vs. Blue review war!

I like the opening of your fic. You've got a good handle on imagery, and you pick the right words to use. Overall, it's very effective. One word of warning, try to vary your sentence structure a bit. A majority of the lines go something like this:

'Most of the castle was still slumbering yesterday away, only a few students were awake.'

You tend to overuse your commas as well - I do it all the time, my beta is very patient with me. Don't be afraid to use a few 'ands' as well as short sentences for impact, like the one you've got at the end of your first paragraph - 'the new day stunned anyone outside speechless.'

I like your descriptions of Fred and George! They are both so cute! :) Your dialogue is also spot on and very in character - I especially like how you had the twins finishing each other's sentences.

Watch out for that last bit of dialogue - because there are three characters in the scene, it can be a bit confusing about whose saying what. Try and add in a few more 'he said' or whatever! I think that will help the flow!

Again, wonderful use of descriptions!

Aaw, the ending is so cute! I love Lee!

Overall, a good story! I hope I wasn't too harsh about with constructive criticism! It is a lovely little one-shot!

GO BRONZE!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I will definately watch out for those things. Thanks heaps. Exactly the type of feedback I love :)

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Review #13, by spreaddapoo93 The One and Only Chapter

1st May 2011:
:) Cute one-shot! I love the title: "Forge" definitely are two mad hatters!
Well done with the switch! I didn't even realise that it was in first person until Lee came into the picture (definitely the invisible lover!)
I hope you get more reviews. Try putting up a banner, it'll draw more people in ;P
Love, spreaddapoo

Author's Response: Thanks. Yeah I have a request in. I'm just waiting for it to be filled

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