Please continue your storyline! I really enjoy it. Thanks!
-FawkesAuthor's Response: I loved he review, come again for more chapters! Report Review
Please Update! This story is fantastic!Author's Response: Thank you really I am writing the new chapters Report Review
so I like the story, but in my opinion, there's too much Pride and Prejudice in there... :/ I really love the book, but I can't cope with it being mixed with Harry Potter.. But you do have some good ideas for the story and it is quite interesting :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review anyway, I mixed it with pride and prejudice because it was the perfect love hate story, with a profound inner message and a heartwaring story about realizing the faulst of other, but don't worry, as the story develops a lot wont be like Lizzy and Mr Darcy. it will get darker but I hope you will stay with us Report Review
WOW please write moreAuthor's Response: Sure
But first I am going to revise the chapters
But keep with the story Report Review
This story is really good and I love all the Pride & Prejudices lines & Characteristics that you gave some of your characters. Keep on writingAuthor's Response: Thanks a lot
I certainly will carry on Report Review
Hello Misha, hon. :) It's Bedella with your review as promised.
Obviously, I noticed a mixture of good and bad things as I read through this chapter. This review will get my beta wheels a-movin’ and a good chance for me to tell you how your story is from an observer’s point of view, not your “editor's”. Moving on!
Danger signs popped out of your story from about the second paragraph: I understand that a lot of people stray away from Lily/James because the majority of stories are all the same. Three huge clichés are: 1) the Mary-Sue 2)A school dance 3)Remus/Lily’s friend relationships. People shouldn't underestimate this story because you (kind of) have all three of them. Don’t get mad!
1) Mary Sue: Lily came across that way. It is obvious that your strength is dialogue (you had some magnificent one-liners!) and it takes time to become sufficient writing descriptions. I think it was how you wrote the scene: everything was like a Shakespearean play (“I had no idea he could hurt you so!”), with Lily a warped reincarnate of Lady Macbeth. You let the dialogue carry the weight, which isn’t necessarily bad, but with the description you did have, it should have gone to describing Lily's personality + description. We already know one of her regrets, and that is Snape. But does she have any flaws? Any part of her personality that is different from the Lily-plays-hard-to-get character we so often see in fan fiction? Try developing her more (friends as well, for that matter), but if you already have, let it shine through.
2) Remus/Jane: I really don't want to bust you balls on this one, because I quite like the way you portrayed them dancing. I thought it was really sweet. Nonetheless, I have major questions! At the beginning of the chapter, Jane was questioning whether or not Remus liked her, complaining because he was really shy and hard to read. Later, she is dancing with Remus and they complete each others movements with the kind of gentleness we expect to come from soul mates. But where did this come from? She was infatuated at the beginning; at the end it was this whole lover thing. Could you explain their story a bit better? I just don’t understand what changed so quickly?
3) A school dance: it's been done time and time again. You need it for your plot, but it just seems really overdone. Once again, can more information be supplied so the audience doesn't yawn because they think it is utterly predictable? Why are these Alumni dances held, and why have they stopped? Why haven’t they been mentioned in the Harry Potter books (even though it's your story, you want to pretend like this could have been a prequel so it fits in with Rowling's books like two puzzle pieces)?
Those are the main things that I noticed when I was reading, and all it really comes down to is character development and more description :) I'm sorry if I put you into a comma reading, I'm not flaming! I promise! Here's what I really liked about your story.
Title: it is this title that really drew me to your story. It seemed really imaginative and like it took a great deal of thought. You should definitely keep it.
Dialogue: it was mentioned before, but I'll say it again. The emotions in the dialogue is what really made the story come alive. It was shocking at the beginning when Lily and the girls were joking about Mary and the next it was sad because of Lily's estrangement of Snape. And even though it was kind of a sudden thing to do, it flowed and it honestly wouldn't be better any other way.
Character: from what little you did reveal about your characters, I like how they have that teenage girl talk going on. I like how her friends all comforted Lily about Snape, just badmouthing him to make her feel better. It sounded super legit!
James/Lily relationship: ah yes, a story where Lily isn't automatically cursing James? Awesome. It's true she has her reservations about him but she's in a confused state at the moment. James Potter was the boy who bullied her Sev; the pig who panted after her. But Snape and she aren't friends anymore and James Potter is cleaning up his act. Plus he's ridiculously charming. I can see her confusion and her initial rejection of him, and it is a completely human way of handling things. I like the memory of the 14-year old Lily, just for good measure. Splendid job :)
Dumbledore: was very Dumbledory. This is actually a good thing, because out of all the characters I am rubbish at writing, it's him. :(
For a first chapter, a lot of things happened and there were good and bad parts. You might disagree with what the good and bad parts are, but that's fine. Regardless, just cleaning up the grammar a little will make it wonderful.
Cheers and happy writing!Author's Response: Dear bedella, thank you very much for your kind advise! Report Review
Once again, Im sorry it has taken me this long to review. I have been on a vacation again. Well anyway, that dance scene was brilliant. I just imagined it in my head, and it was so good. It was romantic, dramatic and filled with action all at once. That was honestly the best written scene I have ever read. It was so amazing. I cant really come up with any more adjectives for it. I just wish this story will be read my more people and that they will review, because you really deserve it. Once again, keep up the good work. 10/10Author's Response: WOW!
Once again I really apreciate your review, and in return the next chapter is for you again. Thank you so much for the good wishes and stay close Report Review
First of all, Im so sorry it has taken me this long to review. I have been at a cruise. Well anyway, I loved your amazing chapter. It was interesting that you wrote that Lily judged James because of something she didnt know anything about, because I believe that couldve happened. It was also interesting to see how surprised Lily was in the end of the story. I had to smile at that part :)Author's Response: yay
I was missing you anyway
Next chapter s going to be swell
you wait and see Report Review
It seems like an interesting story so far, but I would suggest a beta. The sentence structure is a little off in places, making it a little confusing to read. But I'm sure with a little more practice, you'll get everything lined out :)
I don't think James would have gotten angry like that, but I think your characters are pretty good.
You also speed through the chapter, not giving the reader much time to take in one part before moving tothe next.
Anyway, happy writing! Keep it up.
~LilyAuthor's Response: Thans you
I am trying to get a beta
But I hope you like the story Report Review
This is such a juicy story! Can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Thaks so much, more is coming Report Review
Hey again, I just wanted to start by saying thank you for dedicating this chapter to me. I really loved it. What I liked most was that just managed to show how insecure and nervous Remus was because of his condition, and his fear of Jane leaving him. That was believable. I also liked Sirius. He has always been my favorite marauder, thus also the character I am most critic to. You managed to make him a great character, though. I really loved it. 10/10 :DAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing, again this is just a way to show how grateful I was for the faith you had in my story
Remus insecurity would be obvious since I made this his first relationship and it was perfect that he remained believable.
Sirius is also another character I like as well and he is going to grow deeper in the chapters that follow
Keep reading Report Review
This is psychee from the Harry Potter Fanfiction Forums, leaving you the requested review! Your banner is simply lovely - I couldn't help but admire it earlier. :) Also, I really really really love James and Lily, so I'm glad I had the chance to read your story. They are so amazing together, simply meant to be. I also like the fact that you're focusing on the Severus/Lily pairing as well - some authors just tend to ignore the couple entirely, so it's refreshing to see a story in which the author can acknowledge that Severus Snape was a very important person in Lily's life and that he truly did love her. (He is such an amazing character, I was heartbroken for him during this chapter)
As I was reading this, I couldn't help but notice all the Pride and Prejudice similarities (it's one of my favorite Jane Austen books). Even some of the characters names are the same as the names of some of the characters from 'Pride and Prejudice' (Jane, Lydia, Mary). I really like the fact that you took your inspiration from this book since it's such a masterpiece.
I also like the character of Lily - she is fiery, down to earth, dislikes James, loves Severus (as a friend, of course). She is everything I imagined her to be and I love all the sexual tension present between her and James (or, shall I say, Mr. Darcy?). I always thought these two couples were somewhat similar, what with the whole love/hate relationship going. This chapter, especially, reminded me of all the lies that Wickham told Elizabeth, just to turn her against Mr. Darcy. So, I assume that your Mr. Wickham is Severus Snape? :P
I didn't notice any grammar/spelling/punctuation mistakes and your dialogue/description flows well and naturally so I've got no complaints here. I really enjoyed reading your story, it holds a lot of promise. :)
Good luck with your future chapters and update soon!
-psycheeAuthor's Response: Thank you so much Psychee
I was really waiting for someone to notest the inspiration I took from Pride and Prejudice
Because I think they are the traditional love/hate romance so I decided why not
I am so thrilled you loved it Report Review
Very interesting. A missing Jane and a fever was a good way to get Lily and James together for a short chat.
I liked the mention of Snape. You don't see it too often, but he really is a key figure to Lily's life so I thought his mention was good. I also thought James' insight as to why he disliked Snape so much was good. For the reason to be because he told Lily she was a witch was very interesting. Cleverly done.
Good job!Author's Response: THANK YOU!
I think this was very much what Lily and Snape's relationship was based on
And James needed to know that
But yet, she's still going to be vulnerable to him in the following chapters Report Review
Another good chapter!
The same problems I mentioned in the previous were still present in this one. Simple wrong tenses and punctuations and such. There wasn't much to go on in this chapter but the conversation between Lily and Jane was nice. It was good to see their friendship.
Poor James. I'm starting to feel bad for him. Good job with this chapter. :)
DrueAuthor's Response: Yeah,
yet we know Lily was a bit unstable so maybe that will change in the future! lol
I will definetly look for a beta
Thanks again Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested. :)
This was an interesting first chapter. It's been awhile since I've read a Marauders fic like this. It was interesting to start it off with the ball, but it was an interesting and new idea. I will also honestly say that I have never read a Marauders fic where the clothing of the girls was so specifically mentioned, but you're right. It was quite different then, and I had actually never considered it. So it was neat to see that pointed out.
There were quite a few mistakes. Missing punctuation here and there, missing commas and capitalizations and easy accidental word mix ups from like "it" to "if." I would suggest just giving it a read through. It would get rid of a lot of these mistakes and easy up the flow quite a bit just from that.
Other than that well done. I look forward to what is to come. :)
DrueAuthor's Response: Thank you so much!
I'm such a fan!
I was in need of critical reviews like this and I wil try to get a beta ok
Keep reading Report Review
i realy enjoyed reading this! pleaseee write more:)Author's Response: Thank you so much volleyballGirl!
I will certainly continue after reading reviews Report Review
Erm.. Severus Snape didn't save James Potter. It's the other way around, according to the Harry Potter series, James saved Severus's life.
But I love the story!Author's Response: I know Veronica Olivia
That's the point though, we know then that he is lying to win Lily over, but she doesn't know that and I won't tell you how she will find out
Hold on to the story! Report Review
I actually felt bad for Snape a moment there. Well, I got over that in the end. I just feel like Lily is a lot like me. Too kind for our own good. Well, thats what my friends tell me all the time. Its not very often that I can recognize myself in a character so much as I do in this story. That is because of your great writing. Please, just keep writing. It is good, and I will keep reading this. So plese, just write more.Author's Response: Obviously I will after everything
Thank you LadyL8
The next chapter will be for you Report Review
Ohh no!!! Remus dont leave. Jane need you :(
Well, it was an amazing chapter. I am so glad Jane was okay :DAuthor's Response: Yeah
She is NOT gonna die!
Your response to this story is making me feel so proud of myself
Love you! Report Review
Until now I have mentioned that connection a lot, and I am gonna keep doing that because I love it. That is just so unique.
Well anyway, I just fell in love with the boys after reading this chapter. They are written in such a good way. I have never read a story were the boys have seemed so real. That is just amazing.
I loved it, and keep writing :DAuthor's Response: The marauders were my favourite characters, if I failed them in description, I would die
But anyway, never I have been given such great reviews
Thank you Report Review
That connection between them is so good :D
I am quite jealous. I can never make the connection so good.
Even the boys had a great connection. Its just so good.
I feel like Lily is different but realistic. I could imagine her like she is in this chapter. You have made her quite unique, and I love it.
10/10 :DAuthor's Response: Thank you again!
I am nearly crying! Report Review
Hey, I so your message on the forums, and decided that I wanted to read your story. I have read so many stories today, and reviewed on them. Every single one of them have been amazing, and so were yours. What I liked most was the fact that you managed to get the right connection. I felt the girls had a good connection that seemed real. I just loved the way you made their relationship with each other. That was something unique for your story. It had that connection between them. I loved that. It was a great chapter. 10/10 :DAuthor's Response: /o/
Thank you sooo much I longed for this reviews
For me the important thing was to make them real enough, with flaws and character just like Rowling did anyway
Thank you so much again! Report Review
It's really good :D Please keep writing! I love Lily and James stories and yours is up there with some of the best :DAuthor's Response: WOW, thank you javct
I love first reviews! I love Lily and James too and don't be fooled I will keep writing.
Misha Report Review
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