First of all, this was written beautifully. The vocabulary and diction you used was very sophisticated and fluid, which suits the theme and mood of the story. You seem to have a good grasp of writing and setting a scene, that's for sure.
However, this fic is a bit cliched, if I'm going to be honest. I realize Sco/Rose isn't exactly your favorite ship, and that you wrote this for a challenge, and that you based it off of Romeo and Juliet, yet I feel like you could have done more with the story, such as building up to the astonishment of the ending using more descriptions, or even alluding to Romeo and Juliet even more, such as borrowing quotes or something along those lines.
The pacing of the story was alright. Some parts did seem to go by faster than others - I feel as though you could've expanded more on the important scenes, such as the ending.
Overall, I did enjoy this story very much. I thought for an experimentation with ScoRose, it was perfectly satisfactory. I especially loved the specific vocabulary you used, and the manner with which you described certain scenes. Just make sure you make the story orginal, even when you're basing it off of other works - allow the reader to feel like he's reading something completely novel and new, even when it may not actually be new. I hope that made sense!Author's Response: Hi there,
Sorry for the somewhat late response. Hmm, I do agree it's cliched, but then again, I think it's meant to be. Romeo and Juliet has been done to death, and (on this site) so has Scorpius and Rose. In a piece as short as this it's hard to build too much more depth, and I don't feel the addition of quotes would have felt very seamless. However, if I take up your point and expand in some sections, that might allow for more character depth and steer it away from it feeling the same.
Thank you for the compliments on the vocab, and whatnot :)
And thank-you for the review; I appreciate it! :D Report Review
Aw, the ending was rather sad. But I guess when using Romeo and Juliet as the basis you can't really expect a happy ending. Which I thought was really cool, the way you made the romeo and juliet story work in the hogwarts setting. It's just too bad for Rose!
I really liked the way you wrote this too, the word choice gave it an almost poetic feel in parts. Very cool (:
one little thing I noticed was that I think the last goodby rose should be Goodbye, Rose with a comma.
Great story! Especially considering how this is a ship you hate, you did a great job writing it!
-ronsgirl29Author's Response: Ah thanks for pointing that typo out! I'll fix it soon! :)
I really am glad you found it sad, as sadistic as that sounds haha. I really wanted the emotion to be built into it! :D
Everyone that's reviewed has mentioned the poetic feel. I suppose that's a good thing haha. I really enjoy writing like this and I may write some more to fit in with the potterverse.
Thanks for your kind words! :)
Hi! I think your pairing of Sco/Rose was done very well.
I enjoyed the idea of the seen and the unseen version of Scorpius. I liked the idea of a inter-house common room. I think that it would be a very good way to promote understanding and harmony within the school- A key thing I think Hogwarts would want to do at the end of the war.
Your description of Rose taking off Scorpius' mask was very well done, portraying what he was feeling at that point. It had a very poetic feel.
Your references to Romeo and Juliet were clear enough to be recognisable, however subtle enough to ensure that it was not just a re-writing of the story.
I think that the reference to Romeo's "love" of Rosaline in Romeo and Juliet is often a part of the story that is overlooked when people write their fics, which of course, it is not in this fic.
Another thing that I liked with the story was the reference to Romeo killing Tybalt. However, you prevented this aspect becoming cliched, as, of course, he did not kill Albus- and the battle is described as "filled with intent but not that much skill or end result." This also prevented the cliche of all Hogwarts students being able to battle as if they were aurors.
My only suggestion is that, to me, the explanation of the Forget-me-not potion seemed a bit like it was forced into the story. Maybe, instead, he would have to find out what it was? Or maybe it could be referenced earlier in the story?
This was a very good fic, and I think that for a pairing that you hate, you handled it very well, as if you had been writing Sco/Rose for a long time :)
LeanneAuthor's Response: Thank you for all the lovely compliments! :)
I felt the Rosaline part was important, otherwise what would push Scorpius/Romeo towards such a whirlwind romance! And I'm also glad you liked the mellowing down of the Tybalt situation.
When I go back an edit, I'll try and make that description seem more seamless! :) Thanks for the tip.
Thank you for the review! :D Report Review
I really liked this fic, so full of emotion and so sad. I didn't really expect the ending! I can't believe Scorpius chose not to remember her!
This is extremely well written, good job! :)Author's Response: Ahhh this review absolutely made my day! I read (and loved) a few of your stories before I signed up/started reviewing, so it's extra awesome to get a review from you!
I'm really glad that it was actually full of emotion, I was quite worried it might sound sort of empty... I'm also exceedingly happy you think it was well written! :D
Thanks so much for taking the time to review! :3 Report Review
'I know it's not much but I hope it's not all too awful!'
Are you having a laugh? You must be! This is absolutely amazing, you should be so proud of yourself - and don't - I repeat don't - be modest, or quite frankly, absurd! Really. This is brilliant - and it's actually incredibly unique as a whole. The way that it is written, and the persona is inimitable and the tone of this entire fanfic is just exquisite. It's different, and that of course, is in the best sense possible. Different is good.
The whole Romeo and Juliet idea sounds washed up, something that's been repeated one hundred times over, but it hasn't. I don't think that it has been anyway, not in Harry Potter fanfiction - at least, it hasn't to my knowledge and awareness. I think it's a refreshing idea, and you write it so that it is different, in it's own way, whilst also showing a resemblance to the play. Which is something that most people cannot do without making a total mess of the whole thing, and just - well, not doing it well.
The entire introduction, of Scorpius's entrance to the party, and his meeting Rose is beautiful. The way that it is written is just lovely (for the lack of a better word), I was captivated almost right away. I adore the reflection between the two Scorpius's and the line 'Every day he comes to life, ready to impress. His thoughts are my thoughts, his ideas are my ideas, but his actions are not mine. This veneer has become a cruel creature of habit.' There is something so delightfully poetic about it.
As for any mistakes that I picked up, well, there is only one that I noticed and it's just a simple typo. Nothing serious, nothing to be concerned about (if you're the type of person who is concerned by such matters). About half way through, I believe it is, it says 'Ravenvlaw', instead of 'Ravenclaw'. But that doesn't matter, it's a honest mistake.
And... I have talked too much. Rambled. That's a better word for it. I just can't help it. I like to ramble when I actually find something worth rambling about. It's an awful habit. I just - well, I thought that you'd like to know that this is certainly not 'okay' - that's it's wonderful. Like I said before, I think you should be really proud of this, and shouldn't dismiss it so easily. Congratulations on it being your first next-gen fic, you should definitely do more!
Allie x.Author's Response: Oh my! This is just the loveliest review ever!
Firstly, thanks for picking up that typo! I'll fix it soon :)
I really didn't know if it would be good - see I was worried it might be confusing, or almost too verbose. I personally like excessively long, poetic sentences like you mentioned, so I'm glad you did too!
I am so glad you think I maintained a resemblance to the play! I was worried that cutting out the beginning section might throw people!
You haven't rambled at all! This was the nicest review :) It made my day and I even posted it in the 'Reviews That Made Your Day' thread over at the forums :D
Thank you again, so very much for the review!!!
xx Tilly Report Review
I don't really like Scorpius/Rose stories either, but I thought this was really good. I loved the Romeo & Juliet thing (as I was reading it I was like "hey this is like Romeo & Juliet" lol!). Ah so deliciously tragic! Great work =DAuthor's Response: Eep! Thank-you!
I'm glad you spotted the semblance. When I was writing it I decided to leave out the entire beginning bit but I hoped it would still be recognizable!
Thank you! :) Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection