And now I'm intensely curious. Report Review
And now we get some action:)
I liked the story to how they got together, I think it was believable. I also liked her hyper-awareness about the situation. It always strikes me as odd when the 'mistress' doesn't think about possible repercussions and is ok with doing things in public. Well done.
There were a couple of places where Holly's narration become more slang than polished. The main one that I felt didn't fit contextually was: It was strange, fairy-tale almost in the way that it happened, but so not ‘they lived happily ever after’. - the 'so' felt awkward in this sentence, almost like it was trying to mitigate the not happily ever after as opposed to emphasizing it.
I think you've got a lot of interesting things going on. In terms of linking this chapter back to the first one, I think the emphasis on Holly being a wall flower was over done.
I'm also kind of curious as to why Autumn doesn't have a larger posse, and why they seem to mostly be Hufflepuffs. I feel like that might not quite suit the image of rich, elitist purebloods. But maybe that's just me. Arguably Zacharias Smith is all of the above, and he's a Hufflepuff too.
I think you've got a lot of potential, even though the ending and what not are pretty predictable unless you do something very drastic and surprising.
Feel free to request again! Report Review
Interesting, very interesting.
The first paragraph made it sound like they were young children, especially with the emphasis on the innocence and non-sexualized fun. It kind of made me wonder if this was the different kind of game.
I really enjoyed the three different character introductions and the way the reflected each other. I wish Oliver's could have had a bit more depth, but that's because I loved the little details, such as Autumn's toe-curing, shaky voice, and Holly's cross-leggedness in front of a cauldron.
The emphasis on Holly being a wallflower is interesting, but now I feel like it's a HUGE deal, as in, no one knows she exists and such because she's such a wall flower.
I definitely found the tone shifts in the chapter to be substantial, but I think they added to the concept of a "game," building the excitement for what happens next.
Well done; the last line is a nice clincher! Report Review
It sounds AMAZING!
Can't wait to read more! =)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! The next chapter should be up soon. Report Review
This is really, really good! It started off and I was like; damn, they're too perfect
But then it went on too saying they're not what they seem and introducing Holly as the other woman.
Your descriptions are lovely and the last two lines had me hooked. Can't wait to read more! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I wasn't sure if it was going to be taken well because it's from the opinion of someone whose normally hated (the other woman). So yeah, thank you for taking the time to review. The next chapter is being written right now. (: Report Review
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