This was a good insight into Percy and his personality. I think that Percy's attitude is very realistic- his support, even reliance on the Ministry, for example was very in character and "Percy-ish". I also like the kind of internal argument that Percy seems to be having.
I really like that Percy was not fully aware of things such as electricity and heating systems, etc. I think that many stories make characters too aware of the muggle world around them, which you do not do.
I enjoyed the reference to Dumbledore and his invasion of the ministry with house-elves. That is something that I would definitely think the Prophet would write at this point in time.
The reference to Penelope was beautiful- you made the feeling of his loss seem real. But I also like how they weren't a couple before she was killed. I think that it prevented a cliche. I liked the beginning, where you describe the once tidy flat as now being a mess. I think that this is a very good metaphor for Percy's mind in this story- I don't know if that was intentional or not. But I also liked how it was compared to the Burrow.
The song quote worked extremely well with the rest of the story as well.
One of the things that, in my opinion, I think did not work was the use of the word "kid". Maybe it is just me, but referring to Harry as a "kid" didn't seem the kind of thing that Percy would call Harry- maybe something along the lines of boy could work better? However, this is being extremely picky.
Overall, very enjoyable, and a good insight into Percy's mind at this moment in time, I think. (:
LeanneAuthor's Response: Apologies for taking so long to reply to this! :)
Thank you very much! I'm pleased that you're pleased with Percy and I'm actually thinking about writing a prequel novella to this that will go through his school years with Penelope, building off of that first-time sort of emotion.
I always imagined Percy having lots of internal arguments; if he can't share his opinion with others because everyone avoids him, he shares them with himself! Haha, I'm glad you picked up on the Prophet news. I tried to think up of the most ridiculous thing involving Dumbledore that Rita Skeeter hadn't already covered in Canon, and that's what showed up!
Good. I love avoiding cliches. I always imagined that she broke up with him after they both left Hogwarts, because she would realize that things just wouldn't go the way they were supposed to with Percy. Either that, or it was a self-preservation deal. Yes, the messiness of his apartment certainly was a metaphor for the Burrow. :)
Oh, thanks for nitpicking the language usage out. I always throw in that sort of stuff by accident. Percy is extremely bitter towards Harry at the moment, so I wanted to convey that immature bitterness in his thought language.
Thank you so much Leanne, for all the compliments and your fantastic review! I appreciate it very much!
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Hello, I'm so sorry it took me so long to get here, but Sev here with your review:
I'm SO glad that your wrote about Percy! I haven't seen a Percy story in a so long, so I was very interested in this.
I didn't see any spelling, nor grammar errors, so great job on that part!
I love how you interpreted some dialogue here and there. This story could have gone without dialogue all together and I don't think it would have been as good. I love that part.
One thing I have to point out. I'm almost certain(I could be wrong, if I am, sorry!) that Bill's real name is William. :) Just so you know.
You wrote Percy VERY canon which also excites me. You did a great job for this being one of your first third persons in a long time. Write more! You're great at it! If you need anymore reviews, I'm always here :)Author's Response: Hello! It's quite alright! I understand life gets in the way sometimes ;) No harm done.
Thank you for all of your praise and comments! I really do appreciate it! I'm glad you liked Percy's personification, and thank you so much for having confidence in my third-person! I much prefer first-person but that was a huge compliment to hear!
Oh! Thank you for catching that! I'll change it the first moment I have time! :)
Again, thank you very much for taking the time to read and review! I appreciate it!
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Hello, I'm here with your review ;D.
I am impressed. A story with Percy as a main character never struck me as a story I would want to read, just because...well you know...he's Percy. However, you did a fantastic job of portraying him in a different light; your perspective of how he perceived the war, his family, and his betrayal was a breath of fresh air. Fantastic.
I really wanted read how he went back to his family, but the open ending was just as good. I forgot about Penelope Clearwater, but it makes so much sense if you think about the climate of the second war. Muggleborns were dying and being interrogated, and Penelope was one of them. It must have broken Percy's heart knowing he was backing up the Ministry, when it was the one that was causing it all. Even if they did break up...Percy and Penelope were together for years; there was probably some feelings there :).
So there you have it; I really have no criticism. I didn't notice any grammar errors, but I wasn't watching out for it. You should continue writing about Percy, or lengthen this one. Do something! Please :( I mean you don't have to, but it would be pretty boss. Percy, separating himself from his family; joining a regime that goes against everything he was raised on; becoming the monster he never thought himself to be...I'll stop. But seriously, this was good.
Stop by my thread again :DAuthor's Response: I really didn't want that closed ending feeling. I'm just a sucker for open-ended endings and cliffhangers, that it doesn't feel right for me as writer to write down one concrete possibility when there are others out there to explore. Also, once I knew what I wanted to be the last night, there was no way I was putting anything after it.
Oh, there were definitely feelings there the way I see it, even if Percy didn't want to openly admit it, which I imagine he didn't want to in front of other people. You've brought into my mind the prospect of writing more about Percy. We'll see, as I've got another novella length going on right now, and a short story coming up about Barty Crouch Jr. But I certainly love this voice for Percy that I've found, and I don't think this is the last of him you'll see from me!
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hi, BrightStar with your review!
I was really impressed with this little piece, I love it! One shots are my favourites, little glimpses into people's lives. I've always been curious about Percy, though unable to find ihis voice enough to write him. Also, I much prefer third person, I believe it allows a lot more insight, even with that distance, if that makes sense!
You really engaged with the challenge as far as I can see! I'm trying out this way of reviewing, I've called it the 4C's! Hopefully it'll make these clear.
Coherence: Spelling and grammer all in order; this seems small but it makes a story so much more enjoyable. You asked about flow; I don't think there were any problems there either. Everything followed on logically.
Characterisation: Very well done, I thought this was very percy, despite the fact i sometimes overlook him. really liked "Bugger and damnation" - for some reason I was like "Yes! Percy would say that!".
Context: I honestly believe this is a huge part of any fic, I was really pleased with the way your fic interacted with what was going on in the world at the time - but then that was the whole point of the fic.
Credibility: Very believable, really identified with him. Who wouldn't want to shut their blinds to that? His frustration too with his family - excellent!
Thakns for requesting, I really liked this!
- B xAuthor's Response: -blush- Thank you, BrightStar!
I was hesitant at first trying to find Percy's voice, especially in third person. I haven't written a third-person story in quite some time, perhaps years. I've always been more of a friend towards first person as I've grown as a writer.
Ooh, the 4C's! Clever! (Pun not intended!) Thank you for all of your highlights on the 4C's (sounds like a television show! xD) I appreciate all of your wonderful comments and really have no idea how to respond! Haha.
Thanks again! Report Review
Hi. Ravenclaw_princess for your requested review.
You're right, the quote does suite Percy perfectly and you executed this story so well.
Your characterisation of Percy was spot on. You showed well his methodical nature and his will to believe that nothing was wrong. I really liked how you described his feelings about going to the Wedding, it summed him up nicely. It also showed though that deep down, he knew that he was hiding away rather than facing the truth, and if that meant distancing himself from his family, then so be it.
Bringing Penelope into it was nice. It also reinforced his strong belief that he was safe with the ministry; that she could have been saved if she believed in them too.
The only issue I have with percy is when he was 'crying under the covers'. This seems a little to feminine for me. I think he would do more of a distant stare while deep in thought, and while tears threatened, they wouldn't come. The tear for Penelope though I can believe.
The story flowed nicely and the pace was also really good. I don;t think it dragged at all and my attention was kept through out the story. Grammar wise, I didn't notice anything and your descriptions of the scene were really good.
There were three points were i thought the word choice was a little off.
Seven o’clock, pm. = seven pm. It may just me, but we drop the o'clock.
Bugger and damnation = the bugger seems off. It might just be because the usual phrase is hell and damnation. Bugger on its own is ok.
I loved your last paragraph but this sentence "the heat cooling down like accustomed at the end of the day (when not in a drought)" doesn't read well at all.
Over all though, you have done really well. Percy was excellent and you have captured the essence of the quote really well.Author's Response: This is quite the impressive review! First off, thank you so much for taking all the time to read and review on my request! I'm glad you liked my characterization of Percy. To be completely honest with you, this little one shot has enticed me to write more of him, but we'll see!
I hoped the bringing Penelope in wouldn't be too strange or distant. I know it was far back in his Hogwarts years, but if I could kill her off -snicker snicker- -has a guilty habit of killing characters off- and show how much she meant to him still, it would add that extra layer of oompf, yaknow?
Ah, yes. His . feminine side. I just felt that everyone cries once in a while, and while it may not have been bawling his eyes out - I imagined it to be him, laying in bed, not sobbing, but with tears. Tears of regret, perhaps?
Thank you for catching all of the awkward things that you did, I'll keep that in mind when I go through and edit!
Thank you so much, ravenclaw_princess! I really, truly appreciate it! This was a fantastic review to wake up to! Report Review
Hi there, just here with your review!
First off, I want to take a chance to say that I LOVE that you wrote about Percy. He's kind of a forgotten character who hardly ever gets written about! So it's always refreshing to read a story about him.
Which brings me to your question of Percy's characterization. Personally, I think you hit him spot on. His methodic way of doing things was there, and you really took it one step deeper and showed a different side to the feud he had with his family. One of my favorite parts of this, in terms of character development was where Percy talks himself out of going to the wedding. It fit him very well and really added something extra.
Your flow, also was really good, in my opinion. I didn't get lost or bored while reading, so it was a perfect pace for me.
That being said, I did catch a few grammar/spelling things you may want to take a look at. In the second paragraph, you might want to add commas between flat and which, and goldfish and thinking. Also, in the third paragraph, second to last sentence, it should be "ought to be" instead of "out to be." Then one other thing, where Percy says "Muffilato," I think "Silencio" would be a better choice, as Muffilato makes it so that others can't hear you, but Silencio would silence the noises. But those were the only issues I could find, and they're pretty nitpick-y, so you've done good.
I wanted to say, also, that I absolutely ADORED your ending paragraph. It was perfect, and the way you wrote it was great.
Overall, I think you have a very well written one-shot here, I really enjoyed reading it. Once again, you had the characterization of Percy spot on, and that really made the story enjoyable. Awesome job!
9/10Author's Response: Angela, Thank you so much for the long and kind review! I greatly appreciate it.
I'm so glad you liked my characterization with Percy. I wanted to take creative liberty with him, but was afraid of how he'd end up turning out. I was kind of terrified he'd come off too, too, snooty, and I didn't want that to happen. But I'm glad that you found him well! YAY!
Oh, thank you so much for clarifying with the spells! When I wrote this, I had Silencio written first, but then I was like "NO! IT MUST BE MUFFILATO!" I don't know why my brain decided to make that decision, but it did. I'll change that ASAP! Thank you so very much.
I appreciate all of your comments, they made me smile! Thanks for taking the time out to read and review for me!
- Ginni Report Review
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