Reading Reviews for Hurting You
  
25 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Tonks1247 Hurting You

15th December 2011:
Hello!

This was a pretty amazing piece. Not exactly what I expected when I clicked on it, but very bittersweet and well written! I have to say though, there was a lot of dialouge. I know it's hard not to have a lot of dialouge in a piece like this...But yeah. I also have a more nitpicky thing.

"Never again would he look at her, never again will he hold her, never would she be able to tell him all the things she never had the chance to say." *Will should be would, as you started the sentence in past tense.

Other than my bit of nitpicking, I really did like this story! I like how you have Lily as kind of the misfit of the family and have her leave the family...It really made this a bittersweet story. Also, You had no idea she was talking to her father's grave until towards the end, which was beautifully done. I also love the fact that Lily left a lily on his grave. Very fitting! Great story!

~Grimmerz

Author's Response: There are bound to be a few typo's that I've missed. Thanks for pointing it out :)

Thanks for your reviewing. I really enjoyed writing this story and developing Lily's character. It was also quite an emotional piece to get my head around and I'm glad the emotion came through.


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Review #2, by June Knight Hurting You

20th November 2011:
I'm almost in tears because that peice of writing was so beautifuly written and the words flowed of the page and completely consumed me. I couldn't stop reading and I could imagine Harry doing that, never before did I think writing could be so beautiful.

I have nothing to fault here, the grammar was exellent and the choise of words was perfect for the occasion. You are a talented writer no doupt about that.

June Knight
Ravenclaw

Author's Response: Thank you so much. I'm sorry for bringing you almost to tears, but as that was the effect I was looking for, it's also very encouraging that story moves people like I hoped it would.

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Review #3, by Millarz Hurting You

15th November 2011:
This is so sad! I can see how Harry would do that to his daughter, as he is big into magic. I think you made it believable with her tears and her sorrow. Nice job!

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing. It is a sad little piece, and I feel so sorry for both Lily and Harry that their relationship suffered so much.

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Review #4, by academica Hurting You

11th November 2011:
Hey! Here from review tag :)

This was very sad and very sweet. I like how you characterized Lily; I can tell that you put a lot of thought into your perceptions of her character. I, too, have always viewed her as being kind of quiet and reserved. I can definitely sense the emotion in this piece, and it even made me tear up a little. I did like how at the end, though, Lily found a small measure of comfort and was able to reconcile with Harry.

Great job! :)

academica

Author's Response: I think Lily is sweet and reserved too, not a spoilt brat like I sometimes see her perceived as. Thanks for all your comments. I'm happy you enjoyed it.

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Review #5, by Woodrow Rynne Hurting You

11th November 2011:
Wow. This was so, so /intense/. I'm almost in tears by now. You depicted Lily so realistically, so deeply just within this one-shot, that I'm at a loss for words actually. So moving. So /heart wrenching/. Sob.

"And are you? Are you proud of me?"
This was so very real. I loved that this was a monologue- poor Lily, truly! :'( She just wanted to make her dad proud, and he is no longer alive!

I loved, loved the last paragraph. It was very powerful, in my opinion. A teeny-weeny hopeful? The way she feels Harry's presence, the way her guilt eases a bit?

Very, very moving, enthralling piece. Loved it. *adds to favourites* :)

Author's Response: Aww...thanks so much. I'm so happy you enjoyed it so much. I hardly don't know what else to say *gushes*

I do know it took me a while to nail that last paragraph though so it's awesome to hear you found it so powerful


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Review #6, by LittleWelshGirl99 Hurting You

6th November 2011:
Wow. That was so unexpected! I was going to ask in this review who Lily was actually talking to all this time, and then I read the last paragraph and felt like crying myself. This is so beautifully written and twangs your heartstrings.

You've captured Lily's character in a realistic yet enthralling way. She is apologising as she rightfully should and yet there is still the regret that he was never truly proud of her.

I particulalry like (in a way that was so sad) in the 4th paragraph from the end, the question "And ar eyou? Are you proud of me?" because Lily is still just a very lost little girl wanting to please her father. Her father who is no longer here.

-LWG x

Author's Response: I was trying to go for unexpected :) I didn't the scene to be immediately set, but rather let the words and Lily's grief set the scene by itself. I'm so happy you liked Lily, i felt like crying at times when I pictured her there, crying and working out just what you'd say if faced with such grief and remorse. Thank you for your thoughts :)

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Review #7, by marinahill Hurting You

3rd October 2011:
Wow, that was such an emotional read. I feel all teary just thinking about it. It was such a beautiful concept, and so perfectly executed that I couldn't help getting lost in the piece. It was dreadfully sad, but at the same time, sort of uplifting. I like that she finally forgave her dad but also herself, because she followed her dream and it made her happy. I'm sure Harry would have been proud.

Great job :)

Marina

Author's Response: Thanks so much. It is quite an emotional piece, sad, yet there is also some sort of resolution for Lily. She reaches a sort of peace within herself. I'm glad you enjoyed it an thanks so much for leaving a review.

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Review #8, by Aphoride Hurting You

22nd August 2011:
I hope I've got the right account this time ;)
I absolutely loved it. It was so brilliantly written - I really felt like I was just hearing her thoughts and I could connect to what she was saying, how she was feeling. The dialogue didn't get boring at all, and worked perfectly for the story, letting you know what happened slowly. Heartbreaking.

Aph xx

Author's Response: Yes, you did get the right account :)

I'm really glad you enjoyed it and that you could connect with the message I was trying to get across. Thanks for the review.


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Review #9, by Charmaine Hurting You

8th August 2011:
Very well written, good little twist in there, though i had a feeling she was by his grave when she "knew he'd remain silent" I also liked how Lily just wanted to dance, which really wasn't something wizards and witches did. Also loved the references to Albus and James her brothers, excellent story, like an extract from a book.
Only negative, choked is spelt chocked by accident in the second to last stanza.
:-)

Author's Response: Thank you. I didn't want it immediately apparent where Lily was but I did leave subtle hints. I'll correct that spelling mistake too :)

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Review #10, by justonemorefic Hurting You

13th July 2011:
Nooo, Harry! D: She just wants to apologize! Don't be dead! (oh how silly that sounds)

I remember reading your other stories in past review tags; you've really improved! :D I like how you characterized Lily; she seems very real and I can feel her grief. I can also quite understand her predicament and how growing up with two talented brothers and a famous father shaped her like this. There's a lot of stories that make Lily an unlikable brat, but I think she becomes sort of a likable one, who understands her mistakes in this. There are a few points where it does seem a little overdramatic -- just a few too many adjectives and flowery words so the same sort of mood drags on -- but that's a minor problem

Good job! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review and the compliment about how my writing has improved. I like Lily and I find her quite often to be an unlikeable brat too. I wanted to show her as a bit more of the shy girl who found growing up in such a famous family was not that easy. Thanks again.

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Review #11, by Snapdragons Hurting You

12th July 2011:
D: This was sad! (captain obvious) I was hoping for a happy ending... but yeah, nope.

I loved the subject, and it was heartbreaking. It reminded me of the whole "you never know how much time you have" and how we should appreciate our family before it's too late.

Lily's emotions were pretty powerful and complex here. The grief, regret, guilt... but it also felt as though she was proud of herself for choosing something that would make her happy, which I was glad about. I liked how she chose her own path and independence, though I do, of course, wish that she could have done it without estranging herself from her father.

Having Harry be in a grave was a complete shock for me. Totally had me there! Didn't see it coming at all. I was sort of hoping he was there listening, and then they'd make up in the end, but I think this makes it more powerful.

Sad, but well done. Great job!

Author's Response: Yeah, this is a bit of a tear jerker. Lily does have a lot of emotions going through her which is understandable given recent events. You completely got everything that I was trying to put across. Thanks for the lovely review

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Review #12, by HarrietHopkirk Hurting You

3rd July 2011:
This was really well done! I really enjoyed it! I especially liked the twist at the end - Harry is in a grave! It was impressive, but I think you may have to spice up the first couple of paragraphs, otherwise readers my get distracted by Facebook or the forums and not get to read the last bit! I also like the estranged family angle... it really works!

You have a strong grasp on the emotions in the story - anger, guilt, sadness and everything. Just make sure that it sounds more human... more genuine. Perhaps more stuttering? More pausing? She's upset, and while the majority of your dialogue was good, I think you should add more in so that it seems more natural.

Well done!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I have added a little bit more pauses and stuttering since I first wrote the story but I might need to go back and add more. The emotions were quite hard to grasp in this story so I am glad they came across well.

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Review #13, by LowPurple Hurting You

20th June 2011:
I have to say that I just didn't expect that. Right up until the end I didn't expect Harry to be dead at all. Poor poor Lily.

I like the way that she kept on saying Daddy, as if she was a little girl again. It gave her a bit of tenderness in what could have easily just been a rant.

I've never imagined that being part of such a large extended family would be easy, especially if you feel as if you're not good at what you're meant to be good at. Bless her. I just want to hug the girl.

Author's Response: Yay...that was the effect I was after and it's always great to see that it has come across.

Thanks for the comments about the use of Daddy. I showed her vulnerability and took her back to the time when her dad was everything to her. how things change. I fell so sorry for her in this story. She has so many regrets. Thanks for the awesome review.


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Review #14, by AC_rules Hurting You

18th June 2011:
This was so sad! I was hoping for a happy reunion the whole way through and then... and then I got to the end. Wow.

I loved that you started in the middle of Lily's speech - that was a really good way of opening it and in general having her speak all the words rather than just say them made them all much more powerful.

Really moving all round, actually :)

Author's Response: Sorry, no happy ending :(

I wanted Lily to be speaking, to really be pouring her heart and soul out, I'm glad it came across. Someone commented to me that it can be difficult to start strongly on dialogue, it is cool that you you also picked up on this.

Thanks for the awesome review


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Review #15, by Malvado Hurting You

14th June 2011:
This was a very emotional, well-written piece! I think I just have a thing for sad stories, so I really enjoyed reading it.

I know personally how hard it is to have to choose between being yourself and the person your parents want you to be, and I also know how straining that can be on a person's relationship with their father. In my eyes you captured both of those things very nicely.

It was interesting to see Lily as an ordinary, average human with her brothers inheriting all the 'good' traits of the family.

--Malvado

Author's Response: I like reading sad stories to. It's nice to feel those sort of emotions at time. I'm really happy that you enjoyed my story and could identify with it on some level. Thanks so much for the review.

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Review #16, by charlottetrips Hurting You

18th May 2011:
Aw, man. That was bittersweet. It really makes you think about what you do and say to others. Not wanting harsh and unkind words to be your last. Never leave an upset alone for too long, I say.

The apology was heart-wrenching, though the bits where Lily's need to be right were annoying but completely human and so needed in there.

The only thing I would fix is capitalize "Dad" and "Daddy" as they are used as titles here.

You told a story of beautiful sadness. Thank you.

xChar

Author's Response: Thank you so much. I'm really happy that her emotions in such a moment of sadness came across. You never get someone back, and in this moment, Lily realises all that she lost, but now it is too late and she will never get it back.

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Review #17, by NaidatheRavenclaw Hurting You

14th May 2011:
Oh my god, this was such a sad story! Yet, at the same time, I loved every word. I think you explored a very different side of the Potter family, a side where everything is not perfect, and I loved that.

Lily's raw emotion was so tangible. Even without all the crying, I would have been able to feel the pain because of the words you used. It was real to me, and you made me feel, which I think is probably the hardest thing to do in a story. If you've made me feel, I know that your story was excellent.

I really liked the side of Harry you produced. It's strange to think of him as not believing in his daughter's dream, but at the same time, I can see why he'd want her to get good grades and play Quidditch. I didn't like this side of Harry, but it made sense at the same time, and in the context of your story, it was perfect.

Your writing, I've said it before and I will say it again, is strongest in your descriptions and your ability to make me feel. Another amazing story, 10/10.

Author's Response: Wow, this is an amazing review. Thank you thank you thank you!!! I tried so hard to get Lily's pain across in this story and I'm so happy that you could feel what I was trying to portray.

I love Lily II and i think of all the Potter children, life would be hardest for her, being the youngest of three. Harry would be like every parent, wanting the best for their children, it's just in this case, poor Lily perceived things so differently to her dad.



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Review #18, by schoenberg12 Hurting You

5th May 2011:
cool! i'm writing a story about lily 2 being distant from her family as well. its good to read a similar story

Author's Response: That's great. I love writing about Lily II. She's one of my favourites, Good luck with your story.

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Review #19, by orderofthephoenix Hurting You

3rd May 2011:
Hey! I'm here for the Blue vs. Bronze. Team Blue FTW! :D

I love this story! You wrote it so beautifully!

You showed another side of Lily in this story. In most of the stories I read, Lily isn't usually a major character and I never really see how she feels. But here, you made it very clear how she felt about being famous by proxy and all the expectations and ambitions she should have had. I love that she had such a Muggle passion - dancing. Although Harry never disapproved of Muggle professions, it is believable that he would have wanted his only daughter to have a brilliant profession in the Wizarding world.

I would have liked to see a bit more of Ginny. You mentioned her slightly about knowing of Lily's dream. You could maybe mention how she did or didn't try to help Lily acheive that dream?

I didn't realise at first that Harry was dead. It was only until I read 'Lily started to sob as she looked at the bare patch of earth in front of her, below which her father lay' that I realised she was talking at his graveside.

Your spelling and grammar is good. I think there may have been a couple of commas missed out but nothing to worry about.

Great story! Very emotional and believable. :)

-Sophia x

Author's Response: Thanks a bunch. I purposely tried to keep her exact where-a-bouts as unspecific as possible until that very moment to create a little more impact.

Thanks for your comments about Ginny, I'll see what I can do to incorporate her a little more.

I really enjoy writing Lily II. being the youngest I kind of feel she would be over shadowed a lot. I really love exploring her.


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Review #20, by LoopyLemon Hurting You

1st May 2011:
Wow! I love the idea of Lily just wanting to dance. I think it fits her perfectly. This piece almost made me cry. It was so amazing!! The fact that you didn't know he was dead was really cool. It made me mad at Harry for not forgiving her until I realised that he couldn't :P. This was really beautiful and really well written and felt really real and true.
Loved it 10/10 (BTW I'm going to read your Avril Lavigne one right after this!)

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review. I tried to keep her exact location as mysterious as possibly so when you finally found out, it came quite suddenly. I kind of feel like Lily is always in Albus' and Jame's shadows and I really like writing about her.

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Review #21, by katebabelovesharrypotter Hurting You

28th April 2011:
That was so lovely! I really felt the emotions you portrayed and it seemed like something that may well have happened to Lily... She's often overlooked or made out to be someone I can't imagine her ever being. You worked the quote in beautifully and I thank you so much for entering my challenge and doing so well! :)

Author's Response: Thank you. It was really fun taking part in your challenge and I couldn't have asked for a better quote. I loved writing this piece. I always feel that Lily is over looked too being the youngest of three. I really love writing about her and different ways her life could go. Thanks for posting the challenge and thank you also for reviewing.

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Review #22, by Jexabel Hurting You

28th April 2011:
This was heartbreaking!

I couldn't read it properly cause I knew I would cry, but I can tell you, it's really beautiful, I love how you treated Lily's emotions and I could feel her remorse, her anger, her bitterness, it's just beautiful!

Author's Response: Thanks so much. I'm really happy that all of her emotions came though. In a situation like that, you really do feel such a range of emotions and that is what I tried to show.

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Review #23, by long_live_luna_bellatrix Hurting You

22nd April 2011:
Wow, I was not expecting that ending at all. I read my way through the chapter, all was well, then BAM! Harry's in a grave. I actually froze for a second. And I have to say, you set that all up very nicely. You had me (and I'm sure many other readers) picturing Lily talking to a silent Harry, trying to apologize, getting more and more desperate as she failed to extract a response. Then you threw the grave sentence at us, very casually. You get plenty of brownie points for that!

That bit made the whole story, honestly. It was run-of-the-mill and pretty plain up until that point, when it spun off in a new direction. If you want to spice up the first three quarters or so of the story, it might be a good idea to look at the dialogue. Lily had a nice speech, but made for a monotone reading. No exclamation points, no stammering, no ". . ." as Lily struggled to find words, etc. It didn't sound quite as human as I thought it could've, if that makes sense. Especially since she was talking to a grave, a situation that many take a while to wrap their minds around.

Other than that, the only other major thing I saw was a grammar issue. When characters have multi-paragraph speeches, it's easy to be shaky on quotation mark placement. The grammatically correct way is, when a character starts a second paragraph of dialogue, to leave quotes off the end of the first paragraph, but still start off the second with them. For instance, your third and fourth paragraphs should look like this:

"James and Albus. . . famous before I was born because of everything you did.

"You always told me you were proud of me, but I didn't believe you. . ."

Does that make sense? It's one of those trickier rules. I'm also American, and have little knowledge of punctuation grammar elsewhere.

Putting all that aside, it really wrapped up nicely. I noticed some small typos that might be found by a second read through, but the plot and organization were fantastic. As I've already said, the twist at the end was perfect. I suddenly had this vision of Lily traveling the world, having a blast, living life on the edge, then coming home and being hit with all she left behind. Excellent job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review. I have now gone back through the story, based on everything you have said and altered and amended it to add more of Lily's feelings and descriptions through out the story.

Thanks also for pointing out the punctuation when dialogue runs over paragraphs. I did read up on it but obviously read it wrong. But now it's all sorted.

I tired to make her exact location as vague as possible with only subtle hints through the early part. It's good to see how sudden the true situation was.

Thanks again for such a detailed review.


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Review #24, by baletgir Hurting You

20th April 2011:
Wow, that was sooo sweet and sad :( I had a feeling early on that she was at his grave. This was a really interesting view to see. What one misses by joining the Wizarding World, so many great possibilities that Muggles have created, but Wizards must leave them behind.

I felt as if this would make more sense if it were Rose instead of Lily. I just don't see Harry being this disappointed in his daughter, I cannot see him pushing her to this point. And (unfortunately) I can imagine Ron doing so with his daughter. That was the only bit that made it difficult for me to really believe, but otherwise I think this was a great piece! I would love to see a prequel about her sneaking off to dance class during the holidays. That could be really different and interesting. Also I'm wondering if she gave up magic completely when she joined the dance company. Obviously she would only be able to use it sparingly at most, but did she even bring a wand? And has she kept in contact with any family at all? Did she just cut her dad out, or the entire Weasley/Potter clan?
Great job!
:)BaletGir

Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I do agree with you that Ron is more like to put pressure on Rose than Harry is of Lily, but I really wanted it to be Lily. She has the older brothers so it fits better with the idea. The pressure though can be more in her head than actually applied by Harry.

There is a whole back story I could make for this story. I don't have any plans right now to write it, but it is definitely something I could look at one day.


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Review #25, by mugglemania Hurting You

20th April 2011:
Awww sweet. And sad at the end, too. I really liked it. It was well written and the idea was brilliant!!!
10/10

Author's Response: Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.

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