lol, I know, my mind keeps wandering too:P but I did just update my story so hopefully my muse will come back.
This chapter was a little confusing, but it was meant to be, I can definitely imagine what it was like though, I've had some distant relatives that I've met briefly too. So, different circumstances, but similar feeling.
(I found that I had reviewed your other chapters as well, so now I've done them all! I did remember bits of it, but I don't think I've read up to this chapter. Good job.) Report Review
just so you know, if Charlie really had gotten on the quidditch team in first year, it would mean that Harry wasn't the youngest in a century.. also, the game goes by 10 points each so it couldn't have been 55 to 70.
I did like the qudditch match though, it was interesting with charlie getting hurt, and the banter between him and bill, then it was fun to see phoebe realizing how big her family really is now.
A few mistakes, but still, a fun read.Author's Response: Thanks for the review but I researched what you said and Harry Potter was the youngest seeker in a century not the youngest quidditch player. Charlie was one of the chasers. I'll take on your point about the quidditch points though :)
I liked the end bit with Tonks, she reminded me of Ron in the 3rd movie yelling about spiders lol.
Phoebe seems so confused, I think Dumbledore should know that so much uncertainty in a kids life is horrible. Even if it's "honoring the mother's wishes" What about phoebe?? Doesn't she deserve something after the complicated life of living with a family that only seems to like her sometimes?
Anyway, I think this chapter did pretty well at emphasizing what was really important to her. Report Review
huh... I wonder why the insistence of waiting until she's 17?
It's all pretty mysterious. I do love the way you've written Professor McGonnagal. Report Review
Poor Phoebe... but, now she has tons of relatives with the Weasley's.
I do have to say that sometimes you write things that don't really seem necessary. I think writing everything she's thinking about things kind of slows the pace down, but maybe that's just a preference.
I love Tonks, I think you got her character just right. I also thought it was a great idea to look in the newspapers archive.
The story Charlie told was interesting, but I don't know that it would have really been told that way from Mrs. Weasley. It served a purpose though and was entertaining.
overall, good job. Report Review
Love your story hope you find your museAuthor's Response: Thank you! I hope I do too :) Report Review
Yay! Phoebe has met her aunt! :D
And Molly definately knows that theres something there, if only she thought about it more, I'm sure that she'll work it all out.
Maybe her going over for christmas will help everything come out into the open and have them all becoming one big happy family :D
I love how you make Tonk's hair change colour to reflect her mood, I keept forgetting that she can do that.
Ooo I love your descriptions at the end, such great writing.
Aww yay, thanks for the thanks! I love this story! It's so great and amazing, I wish more people would review it!
Another wonderful chapter my love, and I can't wait to find out more :D Report Review
Yay! you have no idea how excited I got to see that you had updated this story!
I have always avoided writing a Quidditch scene, I wish I could write one like you :D
I do not like snooty boy! Tonks reaction with her hair changing colour was funny though hehe.
Phoebe is so worried about Charlie, bless her. Maybe she shouldn't be watching the Quidditch :D
Although I'm really worried about Charlie so maybe I shouldn't be reading the Quidditch match *peers from behind fingers whilst chanting with the Gryffindors for Charlie*
I wonder why the Bludger is just after him? Could it be cursed?
AWww look at Phoebe thinking about her Aunt Molly :D She's so cute I just want to hug her!
No! I hope Charlie is going to be okay?
I can't wait for the next chapter hun, this was wonderful! I always love what you write :D Report Review
Your Gryffie Secret Santa is back for more!
Wow. Not the most eloquent way to start a review, but it will have to do.
Something changed between the last chapter and this one. For the first two chapters, I felt like you were struggling a bit to figure out what you wanted to say. Some things felt a little forced, a lot of it felt kind of clipped and it read like you were in a hurry. Suddenly, in this chapter, it felt like you slowed down and really found your rhythm. The narrative flowed so smoothly and the characters' voices sounded so vivid and realistic. The beginning of a story is always the hardest part to write, I think.
The description of Platform 9 3/4 got things off to a great start. It was an instantly recognizable scene and very easy to immerse myself in. The sense of wonder and confusion and trying to find one's way around that you created fit perfectly. Phoebe's feelings of isolation and the way the other students look at her -- both as a muggle-born and as a first-year -- seemed just right.
Ha! She's not the only one who's feeling a little lost, it seems. I love that somebody tricked Tonks into thinking that you could apparate just by running really fast. What a great prank to play on an unaware first-year!
This is probably the youngest portrayal I've ever read of Bill Weasley except for one story where he was 3. I can definitely see shades of the character that he will become: being the responsible older brother, being somewhat precocious with his magic and being very interested in things he doesn't quite understand, like Tonks's abilities.
Charlie comes off a little rude and obnoxious, but I'm sure he'll have time to grow on me.
The only thing I might have done differently in this chapter would be to not have Phoebe spill everything about her past right away. You have so many other things going on in this chapter, I think you could have held onto that conversation for a little while and used it to much better dramatic effect later on. It also felt just a bit strange to see her baring her soul to all of these people that she's just met. It's not a huge thing, but it's really the best suggestion I have from this chapter.
Like I said at the outset, it felt to me like something really clicked for you in this chapter. Your writing got a lot more smooth and I really started to get into the flow of things. Nicely done! Report Review
Ho, ho, ho! Your Gryffie Secret Santa is back again!
It seems that Phoebe's mother -- possibly also her father -- has left her fairly well-to-do. Another interesting piece to the puzzle of her past. I was wishing that she would have spent a little more time poking around inside of her vault, exploring what else might have been left to tell us a bit more about her parents. Then again, I guess that would have ruined the surprise. And it wouldn't do to keep Professor McGonagall waiting. ;)
It seems pretty obvious that the onyx necklace is significant somehow. McGonagall's astrological interpretation seemed to have a clue or two buried in it somewhere, even if she does believe that divination is nonsense. Once again you slipped into McGonagall's narrative voice for a moment while they're in Gringott's. It's not a horrible thing to do, but as I mentioned before it can get a bit confusing. I think it could have been better managed by having Phoebe notice a momentary frown pass over the Professor's face before she answers her question. Letting us see inside McGonagall's thoughts spoils the mystery just a bit.
Phoebe's visit to Olivander's was very reminiscent of Harry's, I thought. She's worried about messing up somehow and the wands don't seem to cotton to her right away. Until he finds the right one. Whenever I hear walnut, I automatically think of Bellatrix. Hopefully Phoebe won't wind up like that!
Her conversation with her step-mother was definitely a bit strained. It obviously wasn't horrible or anything, but money is clearly an issue for her step-parents. I wasn't wild about the idea that the Ministry had an employee in "nearly every business". The wizarding population of Britain isn't that large, and it seemed like something that would put their secrecy at dire risk.
Heather's unusual feelings of attachment to Phoebe were interesting. Her affection is mixed with a measure of guilt and a lot of curiosity. Some things about her step-daughter she seems to know intuitively, like the fact that the girl's mother left her in their care.
Certain parts of the section I also found kind of strange. The idea that Heather would have had such difficulty understanding what had happened with Phoebe if she came from a family 4 witches, for instance. Why wouldn't she have asked her sisters whether the knew anything about a witch with a newborn who suddenly went missing? It's a smaller thing, but the idea of packing 2 months in advance just sounded odd.
It was sad to see Phoebe's step-mother so broken up over her departure, though. And her brother clearly cares about her a great deal, trying his best to ease the tension for them all. And then she disappears onto Platform 9 3/4 and into a whole new world.
Your writing was very nice overall. I only saw a couple of typos that I can think of. I do suggest that you try to be consistent with your narrative voice within each section. That would make things easier to follow for me.
If you have a moment, I'd love for you to respond to my reviews and let me know whether they've been helpful. I just don't want to be focusing on some things when you're more interested in others. Back again soon! Report Review
Happy Holidays! This is your first Gryffindor Secret Santa review!
I like the premise of your story. I'm sure many children suffered the same tragic fate as Phoebe during Voldemort's rise to power. Parents who were terrified and wanted to place their children out of harm's way. It's very sad but it rings very true. The night that her mother drops her off at the Smiths' home was nicely written and I liked the way that she used the noise of disapparition to alert them to what had happened.
Moving ahead eleven years, Phoebe seemed like a realistic eleven-year-old girl. She has a comfortable life with parents who love her but are also honest with her about the questions surrounding her past and her mother. It's an unconventional take on this type of story; most adoptive parents, I think, would have been tempted to hide the truth from her until she was older. It suggests an unusual level of maturity and a somewhat different relationship.
Her older brother was difficult to get a sense of in this chapter. According to the narrative description, he's protective of her, but his actions in this one scene don't exactly reinforce that message.
I liked the descriptions of her small accidents with underage magic. She's clearly a little on the precocious side for a witch, apparently able to sometimes apparate herself out of uncomfortable situations. That particular detail seemed a bit much, to be honest. I'm thinking that a child who's demonstrated such abilities would attract a lot more attention than just a mention of the event to her parents.
McGonagall's appearance definitely marks a turning point in Phoebe's life. I thought you wrote the professor's dialog well. Her very proper and no-nonsense approach to her visit rang true to the character. I felt badly for poor Phoebe, trying to internalize so much at once. I'm certain that she's known that she was different, but having it laid out so plainly mush have been overwhelming.
As far as constructive criticism, my biggest suggestion for this chapter would be to slow the pacing and let things develop more gradually and naturally. For instance, you introduce us to eleven-year-old Phoebe, her parents, her brother and her life-to-date in about six paragraphs before McGonagall arrives at the door. It's a lot of information and I feel like I'm going struggle to recall it later due to the lack of context. First chapters are always tough because there's that temptation to throw in every last bit of back story that you want the reader to know. In this case, I think you could have benefited from making the chapter longer and delivering Phoebe's back story more slowly.
The other thing I noticed is that you briefly slip into McGonagall's point of view when Phoebe is asking her questions. Since everything up to that point had been told from Phoebe's point of view, it was a little jarring to suddenly be inside somebody else's head.
Overall, I think you did a good job with this. You've created a realistic main character and set some interesting events in motion around her. I'm excited to see how her life changes.Author's Response: Hi, and thank you for the review! I wrote these chapters nearly two years ago now, so I should edit them because its cringe worthy looking through all the mistakes I've made. However I do remember having a lot of fun writing the part with her mother because it's the hints that really get me working as hard as I can.
As far as the adoptive parents are concerned I just thought to myself I want Heather to see her as their child, but not. So on some levels its great they've been honest with Phoebe about the fact they aren't her biological parents, but it'd make Phoebe feel a bit distant from the family and like she didn't belong. Hopefully I got some of that across but I do need to edit this, badly!
Ugh her brother, can you tell I can't write minor OC's well at all? He was a gap filler but he's sort of grown on me whilst planning this story more and thinking about how he can be re-introduced but we'll have to wait and see.
McGonagall is my favourite character from the series so she was definitely a lot of fun to write and will be recurring in this story more and more. I tried to remember what I first thought about magic when I was 11 and how I'd have reacted, being confused, in denial and all in all shocked.
Again thanks for the review and the constructive criticism has been altogether very useful and made me think about editing these first two chapters.
-Bex Report Review
Awww I really really wish that Phoebe could have met her father :-( This chapter is so sad, I feel so sorry for her, I just want to give her a big hug. *Is teary eyed*
Tonk's dream talking was hilarious, just what this chapter needed after being so sad at the beginning and making me nearly cry.
I don't want her to leave Hogwarts, I hope magic works for her a lot more soon.
Awww I'm so glad that I could have helped you out, I can help you with anything you need my help with :-D
I really really love this story, and I can't wait for you to write more. :-DAuthor's Response: I feel sorry for Phoebe too and eventually I'll let something good come her way but for now let the angst ensue! And thanks again for al the help with the past few chapters and now that chapter 9 is in the queue it might be the inspiration that i need in order to write a few more chapters :D
-Bex Report Review
Sorry it took me a while hun but I am here! :-D
I am loving McGonagall marking the essays and thinking about how Phoebe is getting Gideon's natural ability! Haha oh my Charlie and Tonks copied her work, I love it!
I really want McGonagall to tell Phoebe about her mother rather then her accidently finding out from another source,
I think Severus just hates students :-D hehe.
I am loving the bickering between Severus and McGonagall hehe you've written them so well together.
I really hope that Phoebe doesn't have to wait six years that's an awfully long time.
Another wonderful chapter my lovely, I can't wait to read more! :DAuthor's Response: I had to have Charlie and Tonks copy her it seems like something Phoebe would do. In her mind she doesn't understand the concept of friendship that much. She thinks that they'll leave her if she doesn't help but they wouldn't dream of it.
I loved writing their little argument and I felt like McGonagall had the upper hand because she'd seen Snape grow up too so she could predict what he would say to some extent and she was treating him a little like a child.
A part of me wishes McGonagall would tell her but she's known Albus longer and he's done so much for him that she's too loyal, unless there was a simple slip of the tongue of course.
Thank you again!
-Bex Report Review
I love this story. You have a great writing style. Can't wait for more!
KimAuthor's Response: Thank you, I'm really flattered that you think so!
-Bex Report Review
I knew it! I knew the minute you said Gideon that it was him, I love Gideon so I'm glad that Phoebe is he's daughter, the means that her and Charlie are cousins! I wonder if her mother was a death eater? You've really got me hooked on this story, I really can't wait until you update it, I'm like seriously on the edge of my seat. Such a fabulous story!!Author's Response: Hahahahaha I'm glad you're suspicions were right. Gideon had to be her dad, for the main reason that Charlie and Phoebe will be cousins and I think despite their differences Gideon/Phoebe's mother is a great ship. Though it is tragic. I'm keeping my lips sealed for now about Phoebe's mother, she's going to focus on things like her dad's side and how she deals with that side of the family.
I'm really glad this story has you on edge, I'm the same sometimes because I have no clue where I'm going with it!
Bex Report Review
Oh how I hate Heather for abandoning Phoebe like that and sending her that letter.
I'm so glad that she has Tonk's there for her.
And oh my!! Gideon?! Could it be Gideon Prewett? Or a totally other Gideon!? I need to know what happens!! haha I can't wait to read more!!Author's Response: Yay, I just want everyone to hate her. Like seriously, just dislike her and spread the dislike by any means possible. Tonks and Phoebe have the sort of relationship me and my best friend have because we prefer to be in a close knit sorta friendship than be "best friends" with everyone. Well the next chapter will reveal who Gideon, really is.
Bex Report Review
This wasn't a boring chapter! It was really good!
It was so funny when she was trying to remember the spell and said Aloe Vera hehe.
She met Dumbledore! yay! hopefully he can tell her more about her mother. I'm so intrigued (I don't think I spelt that word right? oh well :-p) I really can't wait to find out more!Author's Response: Dumbledore's all about love and respect, almost like a wise, drug free hippy. So he's going to take into account what everyone else would want instead of just Phoebe, and Minerva. She hates lying and having to do that to Phoebe really upset her as she wants to set a sort of standard for kids and if they realise it happens early then Minerva feels like she isn't doing her job.
More shall be revealed, in good time ;)
Bex Report Review
I loved Tonks in this!! Bless her for believing if she ran fast enough she could apparate. I loved everyone's reaction to Tonk's changing her hair colour, I think that Phoebe, Tonk's and Charlie are going to be great friends!
It was so sweet when she asked Hagrid if it was ok to be different, she seems like such a sweet girl. I can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Tonks is a bit like the eleven year old me. Very clumsy and a bit of a fantasist, but you know a girl can dream. I'm sure so many people have ran at the wall between platforms 9 & 10 at king's cross station!
Those three will be as thick as thieves but they all feel left out in their own way. Phoebe, because she doesn't understand how magic works and doesn't really want to. Charlie, because he feels like no one trusts him and Tonks doesn't like being different. It'll all work out though.
Phoebe needed to look to someone to see if everyone here was "normal" because she never feels like she fits in anywhere, bless her.
Thank you again, Tammi!
Bex Report Review
That was really sad at the end with Heather and how she thought at first that Phoebe would be a burden :-(
So McGonagall and Dumbledore know exactly what happened with her mother and father? I really can't wait to find out. I am so glad that I started reading your stories, you're such a wonderful writer and I love all of your ideas for stories, they are so entertaining! :-DAuthor's Response: Yeah, I hate Heather I have so much planned for her and it is all because I dislike her! Dumbledore knows everything so naturally he has to know this too. Minerva had to know too because, Minerva has been 'spying' on them hasn't she! And partially because I enjoy writing her character too much.
All will be revealed eventually Tammi, though I intend to draw it out a little longer before her mother is, revealed ^_^
I'm so flattered that you say stuff like this! It really makes my day, so thank you -huggles-
You could really tell at the beginning that the woman cared very deeply for her daughter. I'm so glad that the Smith's took her in and cared for her as if she was their own like Phoebe's mother wanted.
I wonder who she is? And why she chose to give her daughter to the Smiths? I wonder if she was running from something?
I like that you included McGonagall following her, that was funny :D
I can't wait to read more and see her adventures in Hogwarts.
P.S. I'm totally going to try and get you to 100 reviews!! :-DAuthor's Response: Tammi! Thank you so much for reviewing one of my "prized stories" well to me it is anyway. I really wanted her to show she cared for Phoebe because I don't want to make her mother seem evil, you know? Well, the Smith's are a very normal sort of family, something that Phoebe's parents would never have so maybe that will give a hint or two!
McGonagall is my favourite character she's in like everything I write nowadays, which should be worrying but oh well. I'll love you forever if you get me to 100 reviews. I'm gonna be forever in your debt!
Bex Report Review
Thise is wonderful.cant wait for more!!!Author's Response: Oh thank you! I'll try to update as soon as I can! Report Review
I was hoping you would have Charlie make the Gideon connection!
I just knew that Molly would talk about her two younger brothers, it is such an in character thing for her to do. If Charlie heard the name Gideon, I knew his uncle's name would come to mind for him.
So Gideon Prewett, I'm definitely convinced that he is Phoebe's father. But her mother is still a mystery. Obviously, she isn't anyone good, or else she wouldn't have given Phoebe up right?
I love that Molly found the picture in Gideon's pocket. So she knows that Phoebe is out there, she just doesn't know where or who she is. Oh! So much potential in this story, I love it!
Keep up the good work!
~CassieAuthor's Response: Charlie, isnt dumb and I really dont want him to be and he deserves to be in the know, so despite him having no clue he had to make the connection about his uncle. And despite molly not actually being in the scene, I felt that she had to mentioned! Im so glad you think it was in character, I hoped it would be because she values family a lot doesnt she.
Well this chapter was basically saying, Gideon is the dad, but Phoebe doesnt want him to be because hes dead and she always wanted to meet her parents, together. She has this very stereotypical image of a traditional family, father working and mother not as well as them both being together. However, because Gideon is dead that dreams already broken.
Well perhaps, her mother had honest intentions when giving her up, couldnt provide? Couldnt offer her something Heather and John could have perhaps because in chapter one the mother was looking for the best house for Phoebe to live in - maybe they had everything she thought was best for her daughter.
Well Molly is under the impression that shes looking for a three year old because its 1981 when Gideon dies and he has a picture of a baby, and Molly thinks that the baby must have been born. So she doesnt know where to look. She expects them to start at Hogwarts in Ginnys year.
Thanks again, these reviews mean the world to me!
Bex :D Report Review
So, that was an action packed chapter! I have so much to say!
First of all, I very very very very strongly dislike Heather. She is a whole bunch of non 12+ things and I am NOT a fan. I can't believe that she sent that letter, it's so horrible! I feel terribly for Phoebe, and it makes me so angry with a woman who si supposed to love her, she raised her for goodness sake!
Also, more information on her parents! Gideon? As in, Gideon Prewett? That would explain ehr red hair, wouldn't it? Oo. This has the potential to have so much drama and controversy. I hope that is who it is! But now I am intrigued by who her mother is. I'm going to try and think of someone good in my head!
Very good chapter!
~CassieAuthor's Response: It was very eventful, wasnt it!
See, everyone should dislike Heather - I do! She shouldnt have sent that letter but to cause something like this she had to bring in a bit of drama.
It could be Gideon, but you know, later chapters will explain it all, and if it is that Prewett brother then it will bring a lot of controversy and what will happen to friendship if theyre cousins? Her mother will definitely spark up a lot of arguments that is something I can assure you! I really hope you tell me who you think Phoebes mother is, its good to know what my readers think.
Bex Report Review
I love the title of your story in relation to the plot, I think that Heritage was such a fitting name, and yet not a mouthful either! (I love one word titles)
Phoebe is now going to be on a mission to find out more about her parents, isn't she? I can't even blame her, I would want to know as well. I'm predicting that Dumbledore is who she is going to try to find it out from (but I can't imagine she will find out anything that he doesn't want to reveal!)
I love Tonks and how clumsy she is. Such a nice job sticking to a canon fact given to us by JK, making her such a clutz. I'm glad you have that present even in her childhood.
Another fabulous chapter!
~CassieAuthor's Response: I had to get heritage in there somewhere, and this seemed like a perfect opportunity and its true that short titles for something like this are better, but then I do have to explain whats going on with a larger summary, balances it out you know.
Phoebe definitely is, and after chapter 5 youll see how determined she is! I know shes 11 and seems quiet but I know my OC and I know that shes one determined little girl and will stop at nothing! Who she will find more information from is a mystery but all I can say is dont underestimate this kid!
Another great review, thanks muchly!
Bex :) Report Review
I love that you are incorporating the other characters that we already know and love into your story about your OC! It helps to put everything (including the time period) into perspective!
So Phoebe is off to Hogwarts! How exciting! I also love that she is a Hufflepuff! It seems to me that OC's are never Ravenclaws or Hufflepuffs, so I think those two houses are seriously underrated!
It was so funny that Phoebe wasn't getting all of the magical references, like to Dumbledore and Squibs. You kept her very much in character that way, because she would have no idea about any of those things, having been raised entirely muggleborn!
~CassieAuthor's Response: Phoebe is definitely a hufflepuff, shes caring but not brave and no one knows her blood status yet so putting her in slytherin might make people think shes a pureblood...if she is. Is she? Youll have to read on haha...
Tonks is like one of my favourite characters to write, you dont know whats going to happen next with her, so you can imagine what its like trying to get inside her head! Charlie as well, he tries to show how grown up he is but really, he is very immature but wants to prove it to everyone that hes not.
I liked writing that part because otherwise, Phoebe understanding wouldnt have made it realistic because shes no Hermione Granger is she?
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