Reading Reviews for Why
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ChaosWednesday Why

8th January 2013:
Hey there, it's Whiskey from the forums with your requested review!

You know, Voldy/Murder is my favourite ship. Murder wasn't looking for Voldy, but Voldy was looking for her, poor thing!

I must say that this one-shot is structured very well in the way a good short story should be. You set the scene, you ask questions and you answer them with a twist. Remove Voldy and the green light, and this could work as a piece on its own, not just as fanfic.

The choice of narrative voice was interesting! I liked the slightly sarcastic, detached tone, it fit very well to the pointlessness of the hero's death as well as to the psychotic forces that sealed his fate. I found myself almost wishing you had gone full out and exaggerated the tone a bit more - maybe used it not only sometimes, but consistently throughout the story, drawing attention to the absurdity of things even when describing the hero's pain or his memory of home. I think that would havw added a sleek feeling to the story and made it appear more wrapped up and complete towards the end.

One thing I noticed that I simply must point out was this: "And so they pulled on his arms, grabbing him like the obedient Death Eaters they were, and dragged him down the long flight of stairs to the dungeon...The masked man on his left gave him a firm kick in the stomach..." Why aren't they using magic? For wizard supremicists, they sure are acting a lot like Muggles. I make this point almost every time I review anything, since people seem to forget about magic just too easily. Not to sound superficial, but I know that as much as I like the tragedy and the depth of the characters in the HP series, I like the magic way more ;)

Oh, a few more things I noticed that struck me as a bit odd:

"he grew cognizant of the reality".cognizant is not a word that fits in well anywhere, but it seemed quite out of place in the rest of your narration. Maybe consider replacing it?

and this: "the rift brewing between the Dark and the Light." I don't think I recall ever hearing the conflict be called that. I know there is light and dark magic in Hp and the light vs dark is a very typical fantasy duality, but I don't think it's used this way in HP.

Additionally, I found that this stood out: "He tapped his foot, twiddled his thumbs, and mussed his hair, doing anything and everything to pass the time as painlessly as he could." It ties in with my previous comment about exaggerating the detached, absurdist tone. The way the text is now, this part just seems like it's from a different story. Shouldn't he be too sore from all the torture to be twiddling his thumbs? Also, his family just died.what happened to him crying out with grief and sobbing from the momories of his love for them? See what I mean? If you had more of the absurd elements thrown in before the thumb twiddling, these questions would not arrise.

Well, that's it. I really enjoyed this story! I'm glad you requested it :D

Author's Response: Thank you so, so much for your review! All your suggestions would help the story flow better, and I'll definitely take them into account when I edit. I really appreciate your honest criticism! :)

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Review #2, by Phoenix_feather123 Why

21st September 2012:
Since you promised to respond, I decided to review. :) I thought this chapter was really good, if not a little short.
Keep working on this!

~Angie

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! This is actually a one-shot so I won't be adding more chapters to it, but I'm glad you liked it. :)

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Review #3, by Wicked_Obsessions Why

22nd May 2012:
This was absolutely fantastic. I have only seen 'The Dark Night' out of the titles you listed but the resemblance between Voldemort and The Joker is astounding. I think you captured his character perfectly, bravo!

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it! And thank you for letting me know I did well with Voldemort's characterization. "The Dark Knight" is a fantastic movie and Heath Ledger's Joker is hauntingly brilliant, so he seemed like the perfect character to merge with Voldemort. You should read Devil in the White City and House on Mango Street; they're both fantastic books.

Thanks for the review!


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Review #4, by BoOkWoRm24 Why

14th May 2012:
Requested Review:

Alright so overall this was an very good one shot. Your characterization, flow ,and pacing were all well done.

Specifically I liked that you don't tell us who the guy Voldemort is killing is. I mean you sort of do, but if the guy is cannon he is an obscure enough character that I don't remember him of the top of my head. Anyway not mentioning his name made him seem less of an individual and more like just another one of Voldemort's victims, which of course was your point.

On that topic I loved the way you ended this. Your quote "Just another victim for You-Know-Who, all in good fun" struck me at the end.

As far as grammar goes you were almost flawless. I saw one part that confused me on whether it was a mistake or not (and its pretty noticable so I don't feel like this is nitpicking)

You wrote: "Stop,' he heard. Drop your wands"
When reading this I spent a few seconds staring at this sentence because I wasn't sure whether you wanted "Drop your wands" in quotation marks or not. I'm pretty sure you did because it would be weird for your guy to think this as he was in no postion to command anyone to drop their wands.

Anyway other than that one thing I really didn't notice anything else. This was an excellent one-shot and I hope to see more of your writing.

Keep up the good work :)

-BoOkWoRm24

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! And yes, I do need a quotation mark there, haha. I've looked at this thing five million times; I don't know how I didn't see it! But thanks for pointing it out; I'll fix it. And I'm glad you got the point that he could've been anyone because Voldemort really didn't care who he killed. And I'm so glad you like my last line. :)

Thanks again for your review!


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Review #5, by ScorpiusRose17 Why

9th May 2012:
Hi there!

I first off want to say that this was very interesting. I've never read a fanfic that was focused on Voldemort usually because he gives me the creeps or sends a shiver down my spine. So this was quite the treat.

I think you did a wonderful job capturing his character or lack of character because he is so evil. I felt terrible for the person and his family that was murdered just because that is what Voldemort did or does. I thought that the flow and pace were really well balanced. I didn't see anything confusing like sentences or areas that didn't mesh well with the others. I also thought that your description was very well done.

I did think that it was a little rushed when he ended up in the dungeon and before they came back down to get him before he was killed. Maybe you could elaborate more on that area? That would be the only place where I would suggest any type of improvement. But this is only a suggestion remember.

Over all, I thought that you did a fantastic job. It was interesting and held my attention all the way through. I didn't see anything that was confusing. Your descriptions were very vivid and I was easily able to picture what you describing. It flowed well and the pace was good. I did feel that you could have added a little to it between going to the dungeon and coming back from it, but it didn't take away too much for your story.

Keep up the good work! =)

-SR17

Recenseo 2012

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I'll see if I can add more to the dungeon part; I want to make the flow and pace as steady as possible. I appreciate that you liked it and took a chance reading a Voldemort fic! :)

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Review #6, by Kwan Why

8th May 2012:
I love Voldemort stories, hes such an interesting character. Structurally and gramatically, there was nothing wrong with this story. It flowed well and your descriptions and use of similes and metaphors are top-notch. You really have the ability to paint the scenes with dark and light colors.

My only minor quibble is that the man realized too quickly. The rest of the storybwas paced really well but something about the wording on the paragraph where he realizes who Voldemort is makes it feel rushed. I wish there would've been something that tipped him off besides Voldemort's smile.

Otherwise, a very interesting and dark piece. Feel free to re-request from me in the future.

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I guess the man does realize pretty fast, but Voldy is Voldy, and he's kind of infamous. I feel as if if you were put in the presence of Voldy, you'd know exactly who he is, and a second after you realize who he is, you know you're going to die. It's like the normal chain of events for someone as sick and twisted as him.

Thanks again; I really appreciate your review!


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Review #7, by jman7693 Why

28th May 2011:
Saying I enjoyed this story would create the assumption that I'm morbid and sadistic, so instead, I think I'll say I found this story interesting to the extreme, considering I haven't really read many stories describing the reasons (or lack thereof) for Voldemort killing his victims.

Gramatically and structurally, the story was brilliant. However, you could have delved deeper into the life of the man being tortured and killed, which would have allowed the reader to evoke more sympathy toward him. For example, you could have illustrated the relationship he held with his family with more detail. Also, there wasn't much description of his emotions regarding the death of his family, which I would think would be quite detrimental to his diminishing mental and emotional stability.

"'Kill him,' the Dark Lord said, as casually as if he was ordering a cauldron cake sundae at Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour, hold the nuts, just as his daughter liked it. 'Kill him now.'" - I especially liked this line - the simile alluding to his daughter was personal, relevant, and natural; exceptional line in the story!

I'm most definitely favoriting this story! It's original and a fascinating read! The concision of the story is also quite stylistic, which is always a good thing - readers love a writer with a familiar, distinct style!

Author's Response: You have officially given me my favorite review. :)

I really appreciate your constructive criticism; I might tweak the story a bit now, maybe add a sentence or two about his familial relations. You're right; it would personalize the story more, make the man more relatable. Thanks for the advice!

And the Florean Fortescue's line is my favorite, too. x)


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Review #8, by Aligiah Why

27th May 2011:
Wow, that was insane. I loved it. haha As far as the style works I'd have to say that with the general darkness of what you're writing in general this writing style works perfectly. Basically, it makes the story seem even darker which is a good thing when writing about why Voldemort murdered so many people. And the sadistic reasoning? All in good fun. That's brilliant, excellent job!

I think it flows well. :]

Alex.

Author's Response: Thanks for your review! I'm glad it flows well; I was worried about that. This is my favorite piece of writing that I've done, and I'm glad you like it. :)

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