wow. `I only see Ted`s face, and how he never even moved to save me.` like the last lineAuthor's Response: Thank you! He's such a heartbreaker, isn't he? ;) Report Review
I know, I know, I'm late for doing this review that you signed up for in August, but I'm here now. :P
A couple typos:
I don’t get it, I’ve survived watching people die since I was fifteen and now that I’m twenty-fove years old, (Should be twenty-five)
That line is totally great. I loved that. I'm not one hundred precent sure why though. "Now we run."
(LiveLaughLoveHarryPotter on the forums)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'll be sure to fix it :) Report Review
Well, your Teddy is really indecisive... Really, I feel like slapping him or something... I also feel like slapping Victoire, but that's not such a big deal.
"Stay reading to meet the newest characters: The Dementors of Azkaban" Hmm... Weren't the Dementors put out of Azkaban for their betrayal?Author's Response: I dunno. Maybe. Oh well, I can come up with some creative excuse as to why they're there again. Report Review
YAY! Harry and the gang in action!! LOL...
When it came to Fenrir Greyback I was so wondering if you're gonna get the fact of him being thr one who 'infected' Lupin in. I'm glad you did! That was with effect!
Pst! *looks cautiously in right and left* I heard this rumor... Not telling you who said it, but they say chapter 7 is the best so far.Author's Response: Hahaha. And thanks ;D
Personally I LOVE writing Greyback. He's so funny. And creepy. Report Review
I really love your Teddy. I always imagined him as being something of clumsy and forgetful, like his mother. In my stories, I tend to combine that with Lupin's skills and attention - it turns out really freaky!
The last part was really lovely! He was all harsh and then goes really softly "Are you crying?". Awww!
It's pretty hard to get along with Victoire being some kind of whore, though... I'm not much into the 'perfect Veela Victoire', too - just trying to make her foolishly human and a bit silly at times.
Great chapter, though. Cliffhanger in there! I love cliffhangers!Author's Response: Go read chapter 6 and 7 then! I hear chapter 7 is the best so far. ;) Report Review
I started reading this and I was like...seems familiar. Then I remembered I'd helped a bit! Anyway, I think it was a brilliant chapter! I loved the Order meeting and all the questions and I loved Cel! I like how you have her trying to strike a balance between leader and sister, as it has to be hard for her. I loved the Ted/Raven stuff, and the chapters end was perfect. I didn't cry, but I wanted nothing more than to hurt Vic. God she's a you-know-what. But it was just...wow. Best chapter to date Christy! And...I know you won't answer this (Spoilers, you know ;) ) but what do you mean, a wedding is soon! Ted can't actually stay with Vic, though I'm sure it'll cause a huge split in the Order if he doesn't.
~LilyAuthor's Response: You'll see! By the way, Naida has taken over as my new beta! :D Report Review
First review is MINE!
Beautiful job as always! Victorie in this, is a total word I cant use because it's not 12+ :P I actually really like her this way. She's sweet and happy in a lot of stories, but with a part werewolf for a father and an arrogant French woman for a mother, I think she'd be more likely to act this way.
Pfft, you have to ASK if I ship Taven?! It's one of my OTPs! I love the two of them together.
Favorite is probably Nydia. Would love to see more of her! Least favorite at the moment is Victorie. I want to just punch her right now, or something worse. :evilgrin:
I'm excited to know more of the Fire Eater secrets! And of course, see Auxilary again, as well as Vanessa. What do I think will happen? No clue. What do I hope to happen? The Fire Eaters attack Teddy and Victorie's wedding and everyone gets away unscathed except for Victorie who DIES. (If you can't tell, I REALLY hate her :P)
A few errors, but nothing huge to worry about :)
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! I just sent you chapter 7 to beta, so I'll hopefully be back in a few hours to fix chapter 1! Report Review
I couldn't keep away from this story too long... It is getting better and better with every chapter that passes. I really enjoy how these chapters are action packed and yet, you always manage to put in a moment of slower emotion without even breaking the flow of your story.
Now that we are discovering more about Teddy and the person he is, I'm beginning to like him a lot. He isn't just a pretty-boy who's role was to be the trigger of Raven's flight anymore. Now we can see that he is a full-fledge character that might actually get the story moving into his own direction.
The fight beween the wolves was good though, not as good as the list fight scene you wrote. Did you say before that they are wolves or was it just a guess I had made? Because I'm really trying to figure out why I wasn't surpise by this revelation. What I'm not sure I understand though, is how she can change into a werewolf when the moon isn't out and without it being painful for her.
Great work once again, I love how fast the story is moving and how original it is.
Akussa (Gryffindor)Author's Response: That was already explained ;) It's because of the magic Auxilry used to make the Fire-Eaters, because Raven was the first one she made her magic was flawless. After Raven, she became magically tired and never could make a Fire-Eater as good as Raven.
Glad you like! Chapter 7 will be up soon :) Report Review
This chapter is not quite of the same standard as the first. It is somewhat of a filler, like page 2 of a newspaper. Perhaps the length of the chapter is the culprit. Did you perhaps feel pressured to post something too quickly? I am not saying this is bad, just that it is decidedly average.
I'm not sure I believe that Black was never affected by the carnage before. However, if this truly was the first time that she was affected, I would have expected a more emotional chapter. The reality is that time is relative. Despite the fact that the battle only lasted minutes, I would expect Black to notice a great deal more detail. Also, the word choice was not as descriptive as the previous chapter. It feels emotionally detatched as a result.
I am curious about something in general. Lupin did not have obvious scars, although Bill did. I wonder if the actual disease restores the appearance. In that case, I would have expected Black's scars to have disappeared after her attack as she has the disease despite her ability to control the timing.
If this review seems harsh it is only because the first chapter set a high expectation. I look forward to the next chapter.Author's Response: I believe that she was trying not to notice what was happening. The character herself likes to cut herself off from reality and sulk a bit when she's unhappy.
I think Lupin had the scars, too, though perhaps they were't noticable because of his suits he always wore.
And yes, this one was shorter. There was a bit of pressure to post this because at the time I already had three chapters up, but I wrote the whole thing in 3rd person (which was NOT good for the story). It was so terrible I rewrote the three chapters in 1st POV. (Yes, it was a bit of filler, too).
Thanks for the review! Report Review
This is a promising start. I found your style particularly descriptive (the very pleasing result of a decent vocabulary) and although the imagery was not heart-wrenchingly poigniant, I believe that this is a plus point when it comes to your characterization. General Black cannot be expected to be overly sentimental even in the privacy of her own thoughts. As disturbing as the attack on a 13-year old child is, I would not expect the first person account to be theatrical, but instead I would expect a resigned acceptance tinged with bitterness and just a hint of remorse. So well done.
Greyback was hired muscle - and not respected amongst the Death Eaters. This makes me question the plausibility of her aunt deliberately turning her into a werewolf, albeit one not limited by the moon. I wonder, surely someone at Hogwarts would have noticed and taken steps to deal with the matter? Many of the Order were still involved with the school after the War.
I also question Black's parentage (Sirius having been the last male in the line) but I assume the issue will be dealt with in later chapters.
Happy writing!Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
At the time she became attacked, it was considered a problem being that yes, she was attacked, but nobody really had any idea what was happening. As far as anyone was concerned, she was out at midnight on a full moon. She wouldn't actually get the Fire-Eater mark on her arm until several years later. Still, the Fire-Eaters hadn't been formed yet and everyone assumed that they were all still safe (Lord Voldemort dead, no harm, right?). The Death-Eaters weren't causing much trouble and the Order of the Phoenix was no longer needed at that point. Also, Auxilry wasn't a Death-Eater, she hired Greyback to fulfill her own wishes of grandeur.
Thanks again for the review! Report Review
Hello, fellow lirate!
Wow! This chapter was full of action. The description just pulled me in. I could feel what Ravel felt, step by step. And the cliffhanger... have I told you before how much I love a cliffhanger? Of Nidya and Vanessa, Vanessa seemed always the stranger one, the one I couldn't trust. Still, I can't understand her actions. At first, I really thought she's Raven's true friend, but from now I get to thinking better about it... I still don't understand why Raven went to Nidya's room, though...
Hmm, so there's a prophecy! Now I understand the point of the dream Raven had at the beginning of the story.
On the overall, I must say this story is going fantastic! The plot is so original and catchy!
GryffndorAuthor's Response: There's a lot of unanswered questions which hopefully all of them *should* be answered in Ch. 7 :) Report Review
Wait. By female animosity, do you mean a show-down between Raven and Tori? DO YOU? Because I would totally love to see that! I really like this chapter even though it seemed shorter. Maybe I just read it quicker. Either way, it was another spectacular chapter, Christy. I really do hope the next one is out soon because I've grown to love this story more than it weirds me out. Very interesting story, you've got going on, and I'm really super-glad I decided to read it. Definitely adding it to my favs list, so update soon, because I will know *insert creepy laugh*.
-Katherine045/SlyterinAuthor's Response: Yes, there will be several different show-downs between the two.
Ch. 7 should be out soon! Report Review
Yeah, seriously, why IS Raven afraid of mirrors? How does any of this magic work? Am I going to like Victorie? Will you make her sweet and kind so that I feel guilty upon hating her because I already want Teddy and Raven to get back togeter? I don't think you understand how much I truly love this story. It's just. . .beyond brilliant. And I know I've said that before, but I have no new vocabulary words on my mind right now, so yeah. Can't wait to meet Auntie A! Great chapter.
-Katherine045/SlyterinAuthor's Response: You'll hate Victoire :P
Welcome to the Official Taven Shippie Group :P
:D Report Review
Yeah, Vanessa is definitely not my favorite character. I really like Nydia though! And Auxilhoweveryouspellhername is mean and cruel and perfectly written. I'm incredibly intrigued, you jsut keep stacking on the answerless questions and it makes me want to read more. The story is well written, the story is wonderfully paced, and the story is beyond brilliant. Three checks towards the doorway of awesomeness and you are officially good to go! I love this thing. Write more so there can be more chapters for me to review! :)
-Katherine045/SlyterinAuthor's Response: Haha okay!
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Teddy has blue eyes. So, I'm assuming that it's a Next-Gen? I know, I'm such a brillinant girl. But seriously, this was really good. I'm glad that she didn't kill him, I'd be very sad if that'd happened. What happened between Raven and Teddy that messed her up so much with the nightmares and such? Why is Vanessa such a blood-thirsty jerk? Is Nydia going to get out okay? I love this story! It's so excellently written and perfectly paced and wonderfully original and I enjoy it very much. Thanks for it! :)
-Katherine045/SlyterinAuthor's Response: You'll have to keep reading!
Thanks! Report Review
This is ridiculously well written. Nydia has completely sold me and I dunno about Raven, but she seems pretty cool too. I despise Vanessa--she's too blood-thirsty and I don't like that in a person. I almost want to meet Aunt Auxilry, so I can tell you how much I hate her, which I'm pretty sure I will. And I want to meet Raven's twin and the person with the blue eyes! What time is this set in (sorry, I'm too lazy to go look at the thing on the front of the story)? I have mixed feelings about this story, but I will definitely continue to read it! :)
-Katherine045/SlyterinAuthor's Response: Twenty-Two years after the death of Lord Voldemort :D
Thankies! Report Review
Uh. Wow? This is by far the most bizarre thing I've ever read, and yet it's so bloody awesome that I can't help but love it. Is there even whole bunch of Potterworld in this, or are you just using it as little basics? Because from this chapter, I'm pretty sure you could get it published if you get rid of the mention of Hoggywarts. It's so amazing and wonderful and strange and, dammit, Christy, you broke every unwritten law in fanfiction and wrote such an ingenious piece that is incredible and unique and perfect. This was a great first chapter, and I'm curious about Raven and I don't like Vanessa too much and who's Raven's twin? I'm still debating about Nydia.
-Katherine045/SlyterinAuthor's Response: Hahaha yes, it has a lot of Harry Potter in it :P
Thanks so much :D Report Review
You are mean, you know that? Thank God the next chapter in up because I would be really angry at you for leaving it at a cliffy like that!! Really, another great chapter. I gets better and better. I particularily liked the fight. It was intense and real.
I really can't wait to meet Auxilry! If she's in the same line of crazy as Vanessa, we're in for a great time!
One little thing seemed wrong to me in this chapter. You write :
"So are you, and yours is self-conflicted."; don't you mean 'self-inflicted'?
Well, that's it; I really liked this chapter and really look forward to meeting the great Auxilry!!
Akussa (Gryffindor)Author's Response: I love Auxilry :D
And I'll fix that :P
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Hello once again!
This just gets better and better! I am officially hooked to your story. The way you develop the story and the characters flows so well that it just makes sense and doesn't seem forced at all.
I can't wait to learn more about her twin and what happened to them. I also can't wait to see what a half-nymph has that is special. I mean, you wouldn't have incorporated it into your story if it wasn't important, right? So far though, I cannot figure it out..
What a twist it is to discover that her lover boy is Teddy. It is such a nice developement and the idea to have them leave the place will certaintly be a breathtaking adventure! REally amazing work Christine, keep it up!!
Akussa (Gryffindor)Author's Response: Haha glad you got to that part. Yes, it's Teddy. I love him. I practically gag whenever I see Teddy/Victoire shippers (although I respect them because that's their ship, of course, and I wouldn't want someone hating on Taven (Ted/Raven).
Oh, the adventure doesn't stop there. I'm actually about to go finish chapter 7 since I really need to get to Chapters 8/9/10. If I put up 8 and leave it there for too long, someone is going to kill me. Seriously. That's how shocking it'll be.
I'll let you know when the next one is up! Report Review
Although this chapter is much shorter, it is even more haunting the the previous one. I love that, after only two chapters, we have seen different sides of Raven and already have a pretty clear idea of who she is and what she is made of.
I'm begining to like the other characters as well. Nydia and Vanessa, in their own ways, are great characters. Different of course but their personalities and destinies are almost already precise and the reader(I mean me!) already feels attached to all these characters.
Great work on the emotional level; you really conveyed Raven's emotional journey to the reader and we already feel for this character we have just met. I can't wait to read the rest!
Akussa (Gryffindor)Author's Response: Haha thanks. Raven really is my pride and joy, and I'm gonna be motivating myself to write a bit more of them pretty soon. Thanks ! :D Report Review
Woah, you just blew me away with this opening chapter. It is simply amazing! I just love how you open with this rather horific nightmare and then things get better but when we learn more about this girl, well, horific suits her life well doesn't it?
I have to say that so far, everything about this chapter was good. The dialogues, the characters, the descriptions and detailing, the action...
I feel bad that I hadn't read this before and couldn't understand why but then, I took a look back to the summary. Please, work on it; it is not remotly as engaging and great as your story is! People need to be interested and give this story a look after reading the summary because we are missing out on something great!
Also, kudos on the grammar and flow, the rythm doesn't always flow but it fits with the story. It's like you break the flow to make the reader question what is going on and want to read more. I really enjoyed this chapter and can't wait to read on!
Akussa (Gryffindor)Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm actually going to go work on that story summary now...it's rather a pain cuz I only have so many words and I have so much else I want to put in there.
Thanks for the review! :D Report Review
Hi! It's been nearly two months since you requested, I'm so sorry. I kept getting caught up in life and things, BUT I'm here now to review. ^_^
I liked this chapter. I'm still a bit confused, but it seems intentional. I like Nydia, and I like the Vanessa Greyback thing.
It seemed a bit like you were telling what was going on, as opposed to showing, but it worked with the story and didn't hurt it too much.
At the end, though, it's Kedavra, not Kadavra. That's about the only issue I had with it...
Overall, a good chapter. (:Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
So! After *mumble* days, I have arrived with your review! Let’s get started with the standard chapter 1 package!
Summary: 7/10 ehhh. I hate to start out by being picky, but this is the first thing people see. First, I prefer Twenty-two, to 22, but that’s just a personal thing. Second, after reading a bit of the chapter, I know that you are capable of writing a better summary (Ouch. Not that this one isn’t good. I do like it, quite muchly. It drew my attention. A society of werewolves?!? And you used the word Nefarious!! That is one of my favorite words.) So, yes. I think that you could make this into more than one sentence, somehow. I won’t presume to tell you how to do it. However, as I said, the summary was grabby! It makes me want to read about this insanity!
Story title:10/10 Hey! You followed the ‘Character Name’ and the ‘Random Thing’, title format. Good for you!
Chapter title: This Is Who We Are. Oooh. Shall we begin understanding the nefariousness? *confetti for you*
Graphics: 10/10 I stared at that banner for several minutes. It’s pretty! Good job to *checks name and spelling* PheonixAlthor!
*glances up at already long review and grimaces* Okay! Now I can actually start reading the chapter! :D
My favorite parts (comments made as I read):
-More graphics! They are pretty. :D AND now I have a face to put to the name of Raven. Yum.
“The only thing I see is the red sunlight, dropping through the trees.”
-Yipes. This is a bloody piece of imagery. I like. Good job!
“Something isn’t right. Sunlight isn’t red. It doesn’t drip, either. I watch in horror as the *blood* trickles off the leaves around me.”
-HAH! How many points do I get for catching that? I swear, I didn’t cheat. *score*
“All the leaves have turned to mirrors.”
-Huh. Either she is caught up in some serious voodoo, or she’s dreaming. If I’m right again, I shall award myself five points.
“On the floor of the forest lies a man, whose white shirt is soaked with scarlet blood.”
-Oooh. What have we here? A love interest? A family member? A Random Person? Inquiring minds wish to know! You have poked my curiosity ;).
“Raven, you lazy cow, get up!”
-FIVE POINTS! *ahem* So, no voodoo. Yet. (mwahaha)
“We are not going to wait on your lazy ass to burn down a village!”
-Whoa! Torching a village? Down, girl! I am enjoying this immensely.
-Death Eaters, Fire-Eaters. Methinks that I have spotted a spot of symmetrical symmetry! Or I’ve been drinking too much chocolate milk. It’s hard to tell, some days.
“Admiring the view, Vanessa?” I smirk at her.”
-*Surreptuously checks for slash warning, wincing because she didn‘t see that one coming* Noope. Okay, good. My gaydar still works. Hopefully. ;)
“I was hoping you’d let me buy garments instead of throwing me into Azkaban?”
-I’ll take a leap here and guess that people who burn down villages have law troubles? Fire-Eaters? Arson!!
“Temple of the Night, which is a castle, head-quarters to a secret organization called the Fire-Eaters.”
-So, the temple of the night is where all of the arsonists live. Got it. Is the ‘night’ bit code for ‘DO NOT BURN DOWN!’?…Hehe. Kidding. I get carried away. Chocolate milk, you know.
“on the right hand of each man and woman is a mark, a black tattoo…sealing us together with darker magic and curses than your mind could possibly grasp.”
-Huhwhat? Okee, we have right hand vs. left hand, if my symmetry theory has any weight…but they aren’t opposites like I thought. These are naughty arsonists!
“I almost roll my eyes. Retribution, yeah right.”
-Hmmm. Shall I deduce that you are not happy with this whole Leader of the Naughty Arsonists Gig? My judgment is withheld until I find further evidence.
“I feel dizzy. That’s a lie! The world is made of good and evil. Only the wicked want you to believe that power is everything, but I must continue my speech.”
-For the record, that counts as evidence. :D Onward!
-Arsonist Matriarchal Society! I want one! Can I join??
“I rather detest the dark (ironic, I specialize in the Dark Arts!)”
-Our darling Raven reminds me quite deeply of the way I tend to characterize Sirius Black. AND her last name is Black…have I spotted Something Important? Hm.
“Females begin pushing their ways to the bars, their hands reaching out to grab our clothing.”
-You have prisoners too? Wow. This place has everything. Again, females, only?
-Note: Vanessa is a scawy lady.
“Fifty THOUSAND Galleons? Are they barking mad? I’d almost turn myself in for that money. Still, seeing my name on a notice board is rather depressing. I didn’t ask to be here.”
-Yes. This made me giggle. Aaand, more eivdence!
“The werewolf overwhelmed me, and I felt teeth sink into my shoulder.”
-Aaah. I knew we’d get there at some point. Now, it is a Matriarchal Society of Naughty Werewolf Arsonists. Yikes.
“I'm not sticking around with the Fire-Eaters to be a spy for some noble cause. I am only doing it for my own self-preservation, and I feel disgusted with myself.”
-Well, at least you’re straight about it. No sideways, mind-bending justification for you!
“He doesn’t love you. He could never love someone like you.”
-Is this our mysterious blue-eyed gentleman?
“A/N: Dun dun dun.”
-It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who does that stuff. Heh.
Okay. So This review is too long to fit. I shall PM the second half to you on the forums. Yikes.Author's Response: I'm giving you 50 points for nearly making me choke while I read this first half. I was beating on my leg like a retarded walrus while attempting to swallow my spit before I read your next thing. I ended up laughing so hard I was choking and coughing for several minutes.
I must now go read the rest and hope I don't die anytime soon tonight. Report Review
Hello! Here with your request review. :)
Um... whoa. Just whoa. Great opening chapter- I can't wait to find out more about Raven and the Fire-Eaters. It's very dark and mysterious, and I love that. Raven is so wonderfully sarcastic and cynical, Vanessa is almost a bit too much with her loudness and threats, and Nydia is surprisingly sweet.
There's no grammer mistakes - kudos! The plot isn't just spicy- it's like a full on Indian meal! And I like that. :D I mean, I'm a bit iffy on the whole black werewolf thing. But I suppose it gets explained further into the story? Really, though, you've opened up brilliantly. You've told some of the back story - some, not all, and I can't wait to find out who 'he' is, and what happened to Raven's twin. Good job.
(:Author's Response: Hmmm, did I mention Raven's twin? I suppose I did if you caught it. Well done for good reading, you caught a lot of things most people don't!
Thanks for your awesome review :D Report Review
I love the last line! It ties it all together really well, and shows even hrough the blood and terror, she can still be normal and just think of a boy. I thought that that was the best way to end the chapter, really great job! Can't wait to see more from this, feel free to request a review again!Author's Response: Thanks! I will :) Report Review
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