The idea this was based around was quite a dark one, and I thought that the idea was really great, if a little morbid.
However, all the events ended up being quite abrupt and fast-paced, without much description at all; it seemed a little cut off and hard to relate to, because how was Lily just ok with Roxanne having Striker's baby?-- how did she work up to that point, did she struggle? She found him very suddenly, but it was described almost in a hurry and it's a bit hard to follow. It would have had a lot more effect of the little details had been put in, like her hand clenching when she opened the door or something.
The letter seemed pretty harsh, too, but probably because I just couldn't relate to Striker in his suicide; I think he should have had more reasons to end it than that, because he would have had too much to live for still. Also, Lily seemed very happy about Angela's birth, when surely she would say something along the lines of, "it was painful, but she was going to love the baby with her whole heart"?
I'm sorry, it sounds like I hated this one-shot, but I actually enjoyed the main story - it was just the embellishments that were missing :)
~TGKAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review. Report Review
nirvana14 with your requested review.
I totally agree that it seems rushed. I really think that you should have inserted a scene when Lily actually discovers the mother of Striker's child. There also seems to be a lack of depth here. I think there should be more emotion and depth under the text. A suicide should make us scream and want to break down. But the issue is, we don't know Striker well enough to feel the empathy towards him. Oh sure, it's sad for Lily, but it's not shocking. I figured he would hang himself the moment Lily couldn't find him. I personally think a character who commits suicide should be fairly well developed. That's why a one-shot probably wasn't the best format for this story.
I liked the idea, and you have a great command of language, but I really need to feel more emotion. Sorry for my frankness. I'd appreciate your feedback, and PM me if you have any questions.
nirvana14Author's Response: No questions, thank you for your review. Report Review
Hey! BrightStar here with your review!
I think this was a well written piece, I really felt for all the characters.
Very little gramatical error (perhaps "with whom she had fallen in love"?), I don't see any spelling errors, congrats on that! This makes it more enjoyable to read, I find!
Her finding Striker was very shocking, very sudden, and very well written. I really didn't know what was happening for a second!
However, I did wonder if, a while on from the incident, she would have started to look back and realise she knew something was up? Personally, I also found it hard to believe everything would be ok just six months later. I would have thought it would take a year or two for Lily to get to that place.
However, I did like that it was Roxanne, and the baby's name, Angela Lily. I think Rox would have named her this, even if they hadnt made up by that stage. I was glad for the baby's sake that Rox and Lily were friends by the time she was born.
I liked this, and hope I was helpful! Thanks for requesting!
- B xAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review. I'd say that Lily wasn't all right, but she was learning to deal with it. I thought Angela would be such a cute name, since Roxy's mom is named Angelina. :) Again, thanks for the advise!! Report Review
Great story! It would be tough to beat you since I am also doing the challenge. This story kind of discouraged me to do it. Haha. XDAuthor's Response: :D Aww, thank you. ^^ Don't be discouraged! I'm sure you'll do great :) Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection