I love that Gary Jules' song, by the way. This wasn't a very eventful chapter, sure, but IT'S SCORPIUS! I didn't even know he would be in this (you can tell I pay attention to the character list). Though I had an inkling when you said resident healer that it would be a guy or someone she knew (and wouldn't you know it? it was both!) Interesting, though, that she isn't embarrassed to see him considering how nervous she was about sharing her secrets with someone.
Also - I love the idea of the paper cranes and how excited they are about the prospect of doing that and oh, the wish of getting better. My heart. It was exactly what I imagined Agatha's wish to be before I read it.
I know you say you haven't abandoned this yet, and I really hope you don't. This is so unique for a Next Gen fic, or at least I've never read one like this before, so it's really refreshing to read. Now I really have reviewed everything you've written. Get to writing, girl, so I have more to read and review!Author's Response: ...I could've sworn I'd already responded to this. I remember writing a response and everything. My computer must have eaten it. o.o
Thank you for reviewing this though ♥ Also, I am equally guilty of ignoring the character list - I just skim over it, haha. But congratulations on getting that right! ;)
I can't remember how why I ended up having them make the cranes - but I must confess that I still do like it. Paper cranes are lovely! I remember reading a story when I was younger about a girl who was sick and the 1000 paper cranes (that would be my guess for why I ended up writing that in, haha) and it did always stick with me.
Someday I really will return to this - once I stomach the courage. :P Thanks for reviewing - and I'm both thoroughly impressed and honored at the amount of reviews. You're wonderful ♥ Report Review
I hope you plan on coming back to this story at some point. You have such an interesting plot - definitely different from the normal Next Gens. I love your characterizations and your realistic portrayal of teenage life away from home, especially with a place like Hogwarts where magic can hide a lot of things. Plus, the way that rumors spread...poor Dom, but she doesn't really seem to be bothered by it (you actually wrote both at one point, and I think you meant bothered). I mean, I guess part of that not being bothered part comes from the fact that she seems very...I don't know, self-deprecating, almost?
I kind of hate stories where certain characters are portrayed as sleeping around and throwing rager parties, etc. but it works in this situation, with these characters and what Dom's going through.
I'm interested to see how her relationship grows with these group members. They're all so tired and I think they share a lot of fears and worries that I think can help each other. I like that Dom sort of recognizes them but isn't quite sure..and then she talks about how she is terrible with names, and we see that again in the flashback and her kissing boys whose names she can't remember.
One little thing is that in the beginning, Nurse Henderson introduces Dom, but then she says, "Hello" again, and I guess I was confused why she wouldn't say hello first.
Otherwise, I really enjoy this story. It's a bit darker than the normal Next Gen stories I read (they're usually romcom) but it's really intriguing. I really hope you consider continuing this. :(Author's Response: I don't intend to abandon this completely - I do have hopes of coming back someday. :/ Dom is self-deprecating - I think that's a good way to describe it. She does her best not to be bothered by anything, though it doesn't always work.
I have to say that I'm not really a big fan of them either, which is awkward, because I wrote this? -hides- But now it's sort of become part of Dom's character so I'm kind of stuck with it.
The easiest answer to that is that I probably didn't notice it while writing and missed it while looking it over :D (such a great editing job)
Thank you for the review! ♥ I haven't thought about this story for a while, and I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with it... like I said, I don't want to give it up completely, but I'm not really satisfied with it at present. Maybe this summer I'll have the chance to rework and regroup... we'll see! Thank you for reviewing :) Report Review
Okay, seriously, you need to stop writing such perfect stories. How do you do it? Right from the beginning you drew me in, you made me feel compassion for this girl without me even knowing who she was. Then when I did find out who she was, I wanted to know more about what brought her to this point. You know then, that you have a great story.
I'm really getting into these Next Gen characters and I'm enjoying a lot of the stories that I've read so far, especially yours. You write them all so well (because seriously, my crush on your Lucy is totally obvious).
Are you planning on continuing? I noticed it hasn't been updated in ages. I don't want to get too attached if this is abandoned. :(Author's Response: This story definitely is much more character based than plot based, so I'm glad to hear that! :)
Lucy still remains my favorite character to write of all time. ♥
-hides- I haven't abandoned this yet. Sort of got hit with writer's block and now I'm not totally sure where it's going to go. This will probably go under some serious editing/rethinking, but I do promise that I haven't given up on it yet! Report Review
I really really love the idea of them making the paper cranes, it's cute and it has a certain meanigful resonance to it that just makes me want to go run Dom and make her feel all better (she'd probably throw me off her, or something like that).
I had a feeling when you said 'resident healer' that she was definately going to know the guy - can't wait to see where this goes. Favouriting :)Author's Response: Scorpius indeed! :)
Can't remember where the idea for the paper cranes came from, but I like it. And she might throw you off of her, but she'd appreciate it deep down! heh
Thanks so much for the review! ♥ Report Review
This is looking to be a really good start. I mean I loved the first chapter and this is definately just as good - mostly because I like reading about people who are a tad messed up, I must confess, but its also well written and brilliantly characterised.
Normally I don't like flashback-type-things unless they're done really really well, and this one is done really well. Also, got to say, this is one of the first fanfictions I've read which seems to have an acurate perception of teenage life - this definately reminds me of stuff that happens at my school...
Anyway! Great and I can't wait to read on,
-ACAuthor's Response: Thank you! :) Writing and reading about characters who are a little bit off does seem to hold a draw for me. Does that say something bad about who I am? :P -hides-
Write what you know, I suppose - teenage life and I are quite familiar, one might say :P
Thank you so much for the review! :) Report Review
I liked this chapter!
I loved the 1000 paper cranes. I remember just sitting in an elementary school classroom, years ago, and reading a book about Sadako and the 1000 paper cranes, so I'm really interested to see if they'll be able to make them all. I at least hope that plot point will be returning.
And Scorpius finally makes an appearance! I was pretty much expecting the trainee healer to be someone Dom knew, just because he was a trainee healer. I'm excited to see how that relationship will work out though.
Well, I came to this story for the review extravaganza, but I've ended up being really intruiged by your plot. So it's going in my faves, and update soon please! Great start!
-NaidatheRavenclaw, RavenclawAuthor's Response: I remember reading about the 1000 paper cranes when I was in elementary school, too... that was where I got the idea! :) And yes, they will be returning, no worries. And thanks for reading it! It really brightened my day to have your reviews :) And I'm planning to update soon! Thanks for the review ♥ Report Review
Wow, this is getting really interesting! It's definitely a very unique next gen, and that is a good thing!
I loved the flashback/memory thing. I'm a big fan of adding memories into stories in general, but the way you did it added a lot to an otherwise pretty slow chapter. It made it way more interesting, which I loved.
You've done some really amazing things with Dom. I've seen her characterized in a lot of different ways, but never like this. Never so, for lack of a better word, derranged. She's obviously going through a lot of inner turmoil, and I'm interested to see how that'll play out.
Another great chapter!
-NaidatheRavenclaw, RavenclawAuthor's Response: Thank you! It's definitely a bit slow, but there will be memories and flashbacks scattered around. And yeah, Dom's a bit off her rocker... makes it an interesting character to write about! Thanks for the review :) Report Review
This was absolutely lovely! You set it up for a great story, right at the beginning. The way it started grabbed my attention immediately. I wanted to know who the girl was and why she was there.
it only got better from there. The imagery was perfect. I could picture this scene as it was going on, and I really got a sense of the emotions. Your flow is some of the best I've ever seen. The sentences and paragraphs fade naturally into one another.
I can't wait to keep reading! Loved it!
-NaidatheRavenclaw, RavenclawAuthor's Response: First of all, thank you for all the reviews... you really brightened my night! ♥
Thank you for all the kind words! This story is one of the harder ones for me to write, so hearing that about the flow is wonderful ^-^ It takes some time to get in the mood to write, haha. Thanks for the reviews! ♥ Report Review
oooh, I really like this. Its right up my street, ahhha.
First off, I love the way you've written it - its beautiful and believable and therews one line that I really really liked 'Let them be ruined. So is her life.' Its got the perfect amount of melodrama and... truth. It was just a beautfiul line that I keep repeating in my head to myself.
It also looks like its going to be a facinating read. I want to know all about Summerbee House and about Dom, and about her little breakdown.
I just love everything about this!Author's Response: Thank you! :) I'm glad you liked it. Dom is a bit dramatic, but she's not crazy. I'm happy you liked that line! ^-^ Writing this is very stream-of-consciousness for me, so I guess that's just what came out. Thanks for the review! Report Review
I really enjoyed this chapter. It gave a lot of insight into Dom's background and personality. You can really see how much she hates certain aspects of her life and that she has a serious attitude. The perosnality you display in Hogwarts is very self degrading and leads itself to where she now finds herself.
While there isn't alot of action in the chapter, I still found it quite engaging as there was a lot of characterisation in it. The chapter was also a good length I'm you didn't bog the reader down with too many details about the other characters just yet. Everything you mentioned was from Dom's memories.
The chapter flowed well and I liked its pace. You explained enough without dragging things out. I also enjoy your style of writing and you have really captured Dom's dark mood within it. Well done.Author's Response: Thank you for the review! :) I'm glad you liked the characterization, because that's really one of the biggest parts of this. Thanks for the kind words, it means a lot to me! (: Report Review
Oh, I really loved your second chapter! I really enjoyed reading it, and I think it's great! :D Your writing was just as good, and I loved the development in the plot and also how we get to see more of Dominique.
So I loved the flashback of James' party. That really did give us a deeper insight into the characterisation of Dom, and though I'm not sure whether I LIKE her, she is certainly becoming a more realistic person.
I really like the idea of Summerbee House, and I'm curious to see where you're going to take it next! So I'm looking forward to chapter 3! :)
Great writing, and a great story so far :) Update soon please :PAuthor's Response: Honestly, I'm not too sure if I like Dom all the time either :) She's an opinionated girl for sure, and she can be fun to write. I'm glad she seems realistic, since that was my goal... after all, no one is perfect! ;) (and she certainly isn't)
And chapter 3 is in the works! Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
Ahh, wow! I really, loved this first chapter! I don't read as much Dom as I do Rose/Scorpius, or even James or Albus/OC, so it's such a nice refreshing change to see Dom as the main character!
I loved your plot! It's really quite unique, and I really enjoyed reading this, honestly. Your writing is terrific, and I just love the idea of Summerbee House! Never seen that in a Harry Potter fan fic yet! :D
I'm also really curious about why Dom is called Nikki by Rose (and who's the other person that would call her that). And also, what exactly is happening with Dom's life and why she's at Summerbee House - so the intrigue is great and I feel really curious, so you've definitely got a reader for your 2nd chapter now! :P
I think Dom's characterisation is great because it's different from usual, and so that makes it interesting ^_^ Great writing, and a great idea for a story! :D
-2nd chapter here i come-Author's Response: First, I was so happy to see all of your reviews when I logged on - thank you for making my day! ♥ I like writing Dom, because it's true that we don't see as much of her normally in fanfic, which I thought was a fun opportunity to do whatever I liked to her character. :P
I'm glad you liked it and thought it was interesting... the best things I could hear haha! :P Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
I said I was going to have a look at your other work, so here I am! This review is really aimed at the whole thing, not just this chapter...this just seemed like the most convenient place to put it.
First, since its the thing I'm most impressed with, I'll comment on your style. I'm of two minds when it comes to writing style in Harry Potter fanfiction. The first is that there should be an effort made to adhere to the style evident in the books. It should feel recognizable as a Harry Potter story, even if it wasn't written by Rowling.
Having said that, if you're going to write in a style that is -not- comparable to the original, it needs to be interesting, it need to be distinct, and frankly, it needs to be good. I can't count the number of stories I've read where the premise was good, and the writing was technically sound, but the -voice- of the story, and its pacing and flow just killed it...made it unreadable. If its not clear yet, I should tell you I'm really picky :-D.
So...to your style. There's been a dark tinge to everything of yours I've read, and I'm not sure if that's just your natural mode, or a pure function of your subject matter in both cases, but I'll admit I'm curious to find out how a fluff story would sound coming from you!
For all of that though, your style is the one really captivating thing about your story so far. There may not be a lot 'happening', but you've managed to paint a vivid picture of your character, and to engage us in her and in her situation. Despite being entirely character-centric though, I don't feel like the story has 'sat still', trapped inside of her head, which is a risk with stories like this one.
Once again, stylistically, I'm impressed, and I'm looking forward to the next installment...at this stage, I couldn't ask for better than that :-). This is also the very first next gen fic I've ever read...so yours will be the standard by which I judge all others that come after...so - no pressure or anything -
SteveAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your lovely words! You've just made my day :) I'm very glad that you liked the style and it seems to work and that it wasn't off putting. I do tend to write darker stories in general... but I'm a secret lover of fluff and have been meaning to try my hand at writing something like that for a bit now. :)
I'm glad you liked it - it is very character-centric right now, though a plot will be introduced. Still, this will never have lots of action scenes or anything so hopefully it doesn't get too boring! :P And I'm honored to have this be the first next gen fic that you've ever read... no pressure haha. ;) Thank you so much for you kind words and I appreciate it a lot! Report Review
Hello again! You're right, things aren't exactly action-packed yet, but that's ok. We're getting to know Dom, to know her fears and her weariness and her good character beneath a thick layer of flaws. It wouldn't be a bad idea to shove background info to the side for a good chunk of the next chapter, and get things moving. I'm not dying to know the origin of Summerbee House, and don't even need to know all the backstories of Dom's four new "friends." As the reader, I want to see how this place will affect her, how it will change her.
The thing that most interested me in this chapter was the fact that Dom comes to Summerbee House and finds, to her surprise, people she recognizes from school. Especially a Head Girl, one who had so much going for her. That sounds utterly realistic, and it'll be interesting to see what she was hiding all those years.
I've noticed recently that I do a lot of copy and pasting when I review; I suppose I want writers to have specific examples, as I'm always dying for them. Anyway, here was a fairly small part of the chapter that I laughed at nonetheless. It explains a lot about her character, pretty effortlessly and quite simply:
"Of course, Dom knows that stereotyping houses is bad.
She does it anyways."
Overall, not a bad chapter. Things are moving along.Author's Response: I'm glad that Dom's character seems to be developing, that was really the point of the first two chapters. :) I'll take your advice and try to move things along faster for next chapter - hopefully the plot will pick up and we'll see what happens there. There's another character (I know... there's a lot -hides-) who will hopefully cause some things to actually happen. Thank you for your helpful feedback, it means a lot! :) Report Review
Whoa, I am so intrigued!! I liked how you didn't give us too much information but gave us enough to know the surface of what happens. I look forward to reading what is below the surface of 'Dominique' and the full reason of why she has to go to rehab. I thought that this was a great start and your descriptions of how Dom was feeling was really lovely!
Great Job and I look forward to reading more =)
SilverstarletworldAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your kind words! :) Glad you liked it. Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon. :) Report Review
Ooh, very interesting. Vague, but not too much so that it pulls in interest, it makes me want to know more about Dom. I don't really see a lot of fics dealing with rehab too much, so I was pleasantly surprised. I really like your first scene, something about crying on kitchen tables that can be easily written badly, but you pull it off. Her heart too full to stand, i like that.
I'm also interested in why she's called Nikki, which I'm sure you'll hint at along the way! Seems rather important :o
And I also really like the last section, especially this part: "It sounds too much like a cross between a camp for children and some sort of spin-off of Hufflepuff." Hee, amused.
Good start ^__^Author's Response: Thank you for reading and I'm glad you liked it! :) And yes, we'll find out more about Dom later ^-^ Thanks for your kind words, it means a lot! Report Review
Well done on your first chapter I really enjoyed it. It was very emotive and you wrote it really well. I liked the use of metaphors, they really added a depth and imagry to the story which helped to set the mood and capture the scene.
I like Dom so far. She obviously has a lot going on in her life and he misery and despear were nicely characterised. I also liked Rose, she seemed very sweet and in contolled. The interaction between the two was also very nice.
The ending of this chapter was a little sudden for my liking. The theme of the chapter, which is Dom losing control and running away, was nicely summed up when she was with Rose on the couch. Going to summerbee house is a very different theme and I felt it broke the flow a bit. I have no idea of course what is coming up, but I feel it might work better at the start of a new chapter. Or alternatively, have more of a link between her crying with Rose and then being at summerbee house to smooth the transition.
Overall, this is a very promising start. It's really nicely written, full of detail and emotion, and I could really feel Dom's disposition while I was reading it. Good job.Author's Response: Thank you for the review and feedback! I really appreciate it :) I know it's a bit sudden - I do need to work on transitions! :P However, things will be revealed later. The story will skip around a little bit, so hopefully it'll make sense later! ^-^ Thank you for reading! Report Review
Hi! Your title caught my eye :) I'm a sucker for a good title, although truth be told, I'm not really that hard to hook ;)
It kept hitting me throughout this chapter that the quality of your writing is very refreshing. You have some striking sentences; you manipulate time, sentence structure, and the faculty of thought in simple ways, but I think that it's unique and powerful because of that. I'm not usually draw into sadder stories--if you look at my page you can see that ninety-five percent of my stories list "humor" as one of the genres, because I wimp out a little when it comes to dealing with heavier topics. But your language lightens to load, so to speak, of...whatever it is :P There's something about your language that is light, like it floats. It is simple to read. It is clean, and has a pure feeling to me. I really enjoy this, and commend you for it. It's difficult to achieve style; most writers I believe would try to clutter up their prose (me included! though it's not entirely intentional...), but you strip it down and leave it bare.
A lot like how I imagine Dominique to be feeling. You lead so wonderfully into ideas that you satisfy my curiosity almost before I realise that it's there.
Your varied structure and use of language when coupled with the ideas (although they aren't tied together, I'm finding I'm okay with that) creates something interesting, and something that I hope that you will continue!
The last line of this chapter is also resonant. Something about repetition, when used right.
Lovely story, dear, I look forward to reading more!!
- lilyAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your kind words! :) Hehe, the title was from one of my favorite songs ^-^ I really liked the way it sounded so... story title it became!
And thanks so much for the compliments on my writing... you're very kind! I'm really glad it seems to be working. :) Report Review
Hello there! Reading your author's note now, I'd like to wish you good luck on your first WIP. I've certainly felt that fright before, and with my inability to finish things, it makes for quite the adventure. But the only way to learn is to try, so don't feel too scared! Just post, ask for feedback, and get everything you can out of it.
Sounds like an interesting start to the story; I'm not surprised one of the Weasleys has cracked a bit, nor that Dom feels like she has no privacy. I'd go even farther and say I expect such a thing. With so many people running around, all offspring of wizarding heroes, it has to be impossible to live easily and harmlessly.
At a few points in the beginning, I thought your description was a little forced. It was fine, just a bit overused. The part about rivers of black from her mascara is a good example, I think. Rivers of mascara are pretty typical when thinking of a crying young woman/teenage girl, as are the raccoon eyes. Working on originality with description may be something to look into.
There was one line in there that I absolutely loved: "It sounds too much like a cross between a camp for children and some sort of spin-off of Hufflepuff." Such a perfect sentence, and entirely fitting. Summerbee House is such a euphemism, and you got that across brilliantly with that one line. It completely summed it up. It may even have been my favorite part of the entire chapter.
Plot wise, there's not much to discuss from the first chapter. You've given Dom some obvious flaws, and a bit of background, so it'll be interesting to see how she develops from here on out. So far, a good start.Author's Response: Thanks for your review and the feedback! I definitely need to work on editing and such so I'll try to fix that. ^-^; I couldn't help but name the place something ridiculously upbeat - plus, there is a story to the name which will come later on. I know there wasn't a lot of plot yet, so hopefully it'll pick up soon! Thanks so much for the review & feedback - I really appreciate it! Report Review
Oooh, this looks interesting. I haven't read a story like this before so I will definitely be checking for updates. I like the way you tell whats happening but only give the reader little tid-bits of info at a time. It makes me want to keep going. Keep up the good work.Author's Response: Thank you! :) I'm glad you like this, as this is a bit of an experiment for me. Glad to hear that you like not knowing everything at once... information should slowly start to appear. Thanks for the kind words! Report Review
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