I see what you mean about the disalogue sometimes being stilted; this has a feel of being relaxed. The way you use long sentences give a relaxed feel, after all, if I've the time to type all this, doesn't it just feel...casual? Cut your sentences up. Feel, don't think. Take the train of thought and halt it. Curve it. Feel it turn. Turn again. Twist, a hard left.
Do you see the point I'm making?
I'm not sure how quickly she'd escalate, but it was a good exercise in noting how easy it is to slip into doing bad things for the sake of good. I'm really unsure that she'd throw in the killing curse; I suppose there's no parallel in your world.
Still. Pretty good. I'm gonna throw you...an eight. Report Review
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