I think it's a really interesting story so far. I like the concept of it quite a bit ^_^Author's Response: Oh wow :)
Thank you so much ! Report Review
Another good chapter (the best so far, in my opinion). I like where this is going and, even though it is a bit cliche, I like it!!
The major problem I spotted in this chapter is the discontinuity in the main character's personality. For 3 chapter you really put the enphasis on how shy she is and how little confidence she has, and now, all of the sudden, she is WAY outspoken in a situation that demandes a lot of confidence. That felt weird and hard to believe honestly. It's too much too fast when compared to what we have known so far. Maybe you should add little points here and there in the previous chapters about how, in the past, she has been know to have outspoken moments like that... I don't know, just trying to ease this part.
Overall though, it's a nice little story and I enjoyed reading it. Sure there are some little problems but they are easy fix and what matters is that you have a good idea in your hands and use it well. Good luck for the future of this story!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Thank you :)
I noticed that when I had already put it in the queue and I've been debating how to go back to that and fix it up. It does seem to just come out of no where and I'm not liking how I did that at all.
Thanks for the reviews! You've no idea how much they've helped me!! Report Review
I enjoyed this chapter a lot; you have a nice balance between dialogue and narration and it all fits very well together.
The characters are coming well; you are getting a little further in their personality and I like what you have right now. Oh and to answer your question, I can totally relate to her!!!
Overall a good chapter, well written and balanced that flowed well. Might I just specify that the thing I mentionned in the previous review about the dialogues, is present in this chapter too.
AkussaAuthor's Response: Thanks :) ! I'll just make sure I scan every chapter for that 'She' thing and fix it all up :) Report Review
Well first of all, I like your oc. She is original in the sense that she isn't; she's ordinary, no fluff or excess of confidence... I like her and you managed to keep her in character all through the chapter (no change of attitude that went out of character).
The other characters in your story were a lot more... superficial? What I mean is, you didn't go into a more indept characterization and that is good; there is no need to go through many indept character exploration in the same chapter but I do hope you will do so eventually or just come back to this chapter and add a little info just to give them more personality.
One other thing you should look out for is the dialogue; it doesn't always work well considering the time period this story takes place in. Some of it was a little too modern.
And, finally (sory if this is not so much fun to read but, it is part of the reviewing job!) there is a recuring error I noticed in this chapter (wasn't present in the first considering there wasn't any dialogue!) :
' “You’re the only person ... without fail,” She said,' 'She' shouldn't be capitalized, it is a coma that stands before it. It's an easy fix but it will help keep the story flowing when one reads it.
Your story is going on well. Sure it is at high risk of falling in the cliche category but it is still a good little story to read. I like your OC and the way she interracts with people; it's original and fresh in this lnd of FF!!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Thank you :)
I'll have to go back and fix that, I hadn't caught it before! I've had a bit of trouble with the speech, I would like it to fit in but I'm not knowledgeable as to how they would speak in the 60's. I might have to start a help thread in the forums for some examples.
I'll remember to add more to my characters so they're not so superficial as I go to rewrite my chapters. Thanks a bunch :) Report Review
Well, I like it so far. I loved the opening paragraph; it was very well written and hooked me in instantly. It got a bit harder after that but still good.
How I could explain it is like this : you have an original, witty and emotional opening paragraph; you haven't met this girl and yet you feel for her already.
Then it goes on to a very formal, descriptive summarize of the first years of this girl we still haven't met. Still interesting, don,t get me wrong, but it breaks with the opening paragraph which was much stronger than the rest. I understand your desire to tell us about her past and put her life in context but it ould be done some other way; through memories, little key moments, discussion... or even little info here and there through the story. Of course, I haven't read the rest of this story yet but I'm pretty sure there is not real rush to throw all the info in this particular chapter rather than some other way.
Great, clean writting; good job to both you and your beta! I can't wait to find out more about this girl and Sirius!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hmm, that's a good idea :)
I plan on re-writing everything so I will definitely keep that in mind!
I really appreciate the reviews and your opinions, I'm really looking forward to re-writing everything. Hopefully it will be a tad less cliche. Report Review
Hi, this is Aiwe Saito from the forums with your review-- sorry it took so long, graduation's been taking up any spare time.
I like this story, but there are a few things I'm worried about. I'm assuming you know that where it looks like your plot is going is a bit of a cliched land-- it requires much more finesse to keep on the right track than, say a founders fic, or one with an unusual pairing. That being said, I worry that, despite her un-Mary-Sue-like attributes (excellent job on that front) this could end up fading into, 'just another one of those stories'.
I know it's only the second chapter, but I'm already feeling a little skeptical. The attention of Remus and Sirius so suddenly feels a bit forced-- just a few more words there would go a long way. Also, the large chunky paragraphs need to be cut down-- they make it hard to read and I find my eyes just skipping over things. Paragraph breaks can be really useful tools for emphasizing important points.
Your sentence structure and grammar can be a little funky sometimes, so watch out, but otherwise your mechanics are good.
I hope this doesn't sound like a bad review, because it isn't at all-- it's a 'make sure you live up to the plot potential' review. Add little twists you don't normally see-- keep it from becoming a formulaic Marauder plus OC fic.
Nice job-- feel free to re-request!
Author's Response: Thank you :)
I think I'm just going to mark it as Abandoned and come back to it at a later date. I feel like I should re-write everything and try to improve it. Report Review
boy, she sure has a lot going on with her personality. I'm not sure I've ever heard anyone who was so shy, and then so outspoken towards a guy. Not saying it's a bad thing, just very original. I really liked the chapter though, really everything, I can't even pick out one part :)
great job!Author's Response: I know, I'm trying to make it so she's working up her courage and becoming more comfortable, though I think I'm messing it up a bit. I want her to find a new part of herself and open up to more people around her. And thank you I'm glad you like the story :) Report Review
Hi! Lily from the forums here.
I like it, but it seems sorta choppy...I dunno. It's well written and it seems like you have a great plot set up but it seems like it's rushed and trying to just get to the actual story. Maybe slow it down a bit? And to be honest, I don't really get much of a feel for the MC, though I can see where your trying to go with her.
And to clarify what I was talking about earlier, it seems like your just summarizing her life instead of maybe letting the story explaining it.
Anyway, I hope it helps. Feel free to rereview!
~LilyFireAuthor's Response: Hmm, I think I understand what you're saying. I'll have to go back and re-read that, see if I can fix it.
Thank you for the review! :) Report Review
I can totally relate to her. I hate needing help for class, and I tend to stare at people in that non stalkery way too :) lol yaaay, i'm glad you updated!Author's Response: Aw thank you :)
I stare at people in a non stalkery way all the time too, so that would be the bit of me that I added to Haley. I actually see a lot of myself in her, I guess that's just what happens when you start writing your first OC. I'm so glad you like my story and I hope you keep reading :) Report Review
I loved the stalker comment! In addition to being a sucker for the shy quiet types getting louder and more self-confident, I'm also a sucker for the love/hate relationship! So you're story is currently my cup of tea!
I like that you give Sirius his devil-may-care attitude but with a streak of goodness in him. That was definitely the young Sirius in my eyes.
The set-up of needing to work together for two weeks sure can be a bit cliche but if it works for you, then do it!
Overall, the characters are coming together nicely. (Do I see a possible flirtation between Remus and Lily?)
I'm definitely keeping my eye on this one!
x CharAuthor's Response: I'm glad that my story is your cup of tea! The stalked comment was completely me so I couldn't help but add it in there :)
I try to write him as realistic as possible and that's how I always saw him in my eyes too!
I really was hesitant to add the two weeks thing, but I gave in. I needed them to start off somewhere and I figured it would be there. Though I'll try not to make it a big thing like others do.
I did notice that I was writing some almost flirting between Remus and Lily (which isn't what I was going for, though I might just go with it) though, of course, she'll end up with James in the end.
I'm glad you like my story and I really appreciated your comments and reviews! They've certainly helped me think about a couple things I can fix and tweak here and there. Thanks a billion :) Report Review
I am liking Hayley!! She's not perfect and confident but shy. I love people like this (I think I've mentioned before) who go from being insecure into having a better viewpoint of themselves and those around them.
I like the interaction of the characters so far. It's pretty believable.
Just a note, remember that the Marauders were in school in the 70's. Some of the dialogue or inner monologue here can come off as too modern.
I'm really liking where you are going with this so far! Onward to the next chapter!Author's Response: Oh I didn't think of that. I'll have to do some research on how they spoke in the 70's. Thanks :)
I'm so glad you like Haley, I really want the readers to connect with her you know? I really want this to be as realistic as possible so I'm glad that you think they're realistic so far.
Thanks again for another awesome review !:) Report Review
Very intrigued. I always go for the quiet, not quite popular girl getting the hot popular guy. Such a complete sucker for those.
The way you started it out was very bold, already letting us know that the girl we're about to read about and probably love is going to die. Although this leaves me with the question of how is she telling the story? :P
Your sense of humor is coming out here and I like that. With such a grim end to look forward to, the humor leavens that.
There were a couple spelling and grammatical things in this one but I'm sure you can clean that up.
On to the next chapter!
x CharAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review!
I admit, I didn't think about how she would be telling the story, I'll be sure to address that at the end of the story. Maybe I can do something where it comes to a close and it's just her speaking.
I try to add some humor in it, I don't want it to be depressing the entire read. I'm glad you noticed :)
I'll have to go through the chapter once more and see if I can catch the couple mistakes I made :)
Thanks again! Report Review
Very good! I like it, for a prologue! Very discriptive! I'd read the rest of your chapters, but I'm afraid I must go, and I'll be heading into town tomorrow.
However, I've favourited you as an author and I'll favourite this story. I think you're a wonderful author (your skills far tower over mine, haha!) I'll finish reading all your stories, and all I have to say is keep up the great work! You're wonderful!Author's Response: Wow, that's all I can seem to say.
I clicked on reviews and when I saw five new ones, I nearly died from shock.
I just re-watched the end of season two of Doctor Who, so I came to this page crying and you've completely made my day.
I'm so glad that you think I'm such a talented author (it's one of my insecurities) and to know that that's what you think, is just, it's such a motivator, honest. :)
*hugs through computer* You're my new favorite person right now! Report Review
I love this story!! Please continue!!Author's Response: I promise I will :) Thank you so much! Report Review
Please continue this! Its amazing!! If you please do continue i would love to read it and i will try to review every chapter-I promise xxAuthor's Response: Your review made my day :)
If I ever feel discouraged from continuing I will read this and will continue just for you :) Report Review
;o I like this. It has something. Do more? :)Author's Response: Oh thank you :) I will Report Review
Hey, It's really good!
I really like the way you write and am really likeing Haley already.
XAuthor's Response: Aw thanks :) I hope you keep reading !! Report Review
Hi, there LMW back again with your requested reviews. So this chapter was more about Haley settling in and how she fit in to the dynamic of the Trio as well with the Maraduers.
I find it really unrealistic that they never would have heard her speak before. I mean, they have to have classes with her and if James stalks Lily so much, she must have said something at some point. For them to wait until the Seventh Year just doesn't seem realistic to me.
I applaud you for not taking the cliche route and making James the Head Boy along with Lily as Head Girl. However, disregarding Peter with the way you seemed just seems like you don't want to utilize him as a character. I encourage you to consider taking a different route and maybe using him in your plot.
Lily was believable as well as Alice and a slightly unattractive Frank. I liked all that and I like that you are giving Haley flaws. I also think that maybe you could add some dimension to her by having her interact with other students and see how she acts.
Best of luck,
LMWAuthor's Response: Maybe, instead of never hearing her speak, I'll put instead, maybe barely have heard her talk, that way it's a little more believable.
As for Peter, I'm not sure how I want to use his character in my story for now, but just in case he will play an important role, I'll take your advice and expand on his character a little more. Also, I'll have Haley interact with some others and break her out off the cage I have written her in. I really want my fan fic to be believable so Thank you very much for your advice :) Report Review
Hi there, LMW from the forums with your requested review. So, this is your prologue which makes sense as to why it would be shorter but I have a few reccomendations to do for you.
First off, you reference Muggle things and then claim she's not a Muggle and then call her a Mudblood. It confuses me; you also gave James blue eyes. For it to be canon, his eyes need to be hazel. Just some information you need to know.
So, for a prologue, I think that you have a good length; it's not too long or too short to introduce your character. Your issue in my mind is that you have such large blocks of text that as a reader, I am tempted to skip over the sections or I lose my place really easily.
Now, onto your OC, I think that you are clearly giving her a voice and a personality but I worry about her turning into a cliche so easily. First off, she is in Gryffindor which is fine. She is also best friends with Lily Evans which makes it pretty cliche but it can be made original. She is also close with Alice, though, so I worry about all of it. Just be careful because cliches can push readers away.
On to the next chapter since there were no real Maraduers to comment about.
LMWAuthor's Response: Thank you :) I really appreciate your views :) I'll have to go back and try to make that whole part less confusing and maybe enter more breaks into the story. Report Review
hmm, it was interesting. Most of the time OC's are very confident, and sure of themselves. It's refreshing to see Hayley not sure at all. I found it funny that Sirius and everyone figured out she'd never said a word to any of them before. lol.
I do think the pace of this chapter was pretty slow. Not too much happened. I do understand that she's only just figuring out that she's different this year, and things are going to change. I relate to that a lot. :)
Great job! I hope to see more of this story!Author's Response: Yes, I'm hoping as I write more chapters, the pace will definitely pick up. I want Haley to be relateable to people, not everyone walks around sure of themselves and is outgoing I certainly know I wasn't. Your reviews made my day :) Thanks a ton for them :) Report Review
wow this was really great! I love your writing style. It's a good mix between funny and serious. I did notice that you said she was a mudblood, but her father had been taken to St. Mungos... If she were a mudblood, and her father died when she was 6, they wouldn't have known about St. Mungos would they?
The rest I absolutely love. Your descriptions of everyone seem so spot on! I really really hope you continue this story :)
You've definitely got me interested :)Author's Response: Oops! you're right !!! I didn't even catch that. I'll fix that right now. Thanks :) I'm so glad your interested and you think I've described everyone well, that's my biggest fear while writing this. I hope you continue to read as I post more chapters :) Thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
This is such an awesome start to the story and I can't wait for the rest of it!
Great writing; good luck! :D
Bethan, xAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review :) I hope you continue reading! Report Review
I really like your chapter image 8D
You should really update sonnn
WAnna reads more please8]Author's Response: Aw thanks :) Report Review
The opening really dragged me in, I'm interested to see where you go from here.Author's Response: Thanks :) I hope you continue reading. Report Review
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