thats dark. and if a hadnt read the description i would have never known it was pansy. Report Review
Before I forget, I noticed one little typo: In the paragraph when Pansy talks about Percy being the worst way of all to throw herself away, you typed "her" instead of "he."
I liked your use of description. You obviously have a varied vocabulary, and I thought you chose unusual but right words for some things. It made the reading experience more interesting and, paradoxical as this sounds, added both smooth and jagged edges to the piece. That is, the piece flowed well, but the raw jaggedness of Pansy's emotional torment came through like snaggle-toothed rocks beneath the water. (This is a compliment. Sometimes I ramble too much and people aren't sure.)
My only reservation is that I thought there were places where you repeated yourself more often than necessary. I guess I just got a little weary of the "sharp edges" thing by the time I reached the end. On the other hand, repeating some descriptions connect pieces of the story and sort of unite the beginning and the end. For example, the description at the beginning of Pansy's hair as an oil slick is reinforced near the end by Percy slicking her hair away from her forehead.
I think my favorite part of this story was the end. I loved the description of Percy bustling in his over-pressed Ministry robes. It's so Percy! And I also felt there was a slight redemption for them both--despite Percy's sometimes misguided ambition, he is fundamentally decent, which is something Pansy probably isn't used to. Although this was a rather depressing piece overall, I liked the slightly more positive note at the end.Author's Response: First of all can I just say when I saw this review I was kind of like "omg, Alo read my story! -anxiety/excitement/happiness/nerves-"
I am really glad that you liked this in general. I completely understand what you mean about repeating myself, I tend to do that. A lot. It's a big weakness actually, and now that you've pointed that out, I think it will be easy for me to go in and see it and revise. Probably didn't help that I wrote this at like midnight... anyway, the point being, I appreciate that.
I really feel like the end could be fleshed out a bit more, to be honest with you. When I was writing it, though, I wasn't sure, I had some longer versions and I second guessed myself... just goes to show you how much another perspective can help with that situation.
You are so helpful, Alo. I think I will be editing this story a bit because when you point them out, I completely agree with your observations. Thank you so much! Report Review
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