HI JUNEY :D
Sorry it took me so long to review this, I got distracted trying to write stuff. So yeah.
Anyway I really liked this :D Having a character called the name of my favourite sweet is awesome.
This sentence really confused me though:
'Well, let me describe it to all you mentally challenged legilimens:'
It just... didn't make sense. Well it might do, I just don't know what the plural form of legilimens is. And why are the audience legilimenses in the first place?
Also you should just read it through, 'cause I spotted quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes.
Other than that though, this was great! You could add a little more description, and using the cruciatus curse was a little drastic, but oh well (it's evil, who cares? :D)
Kali's characterization was really clear, and I thought that this was a great introductory chapter :D xxAuthor's Response: The audience are legilimens because it's happening in her head and who else could read this in her head? :P Dunno, it made sense when I wrote it xD
Yeah I know it was drastic, it'll make sense in a few chapters :P
Ps: What's your favorite sweet? Report Review
I like your story very much!
1. It definetly took me of guard. I thought at first it was some kinda misunderstanding, so I just sat gaping at my computer.
2. I want a brother like him too!
3. Yep, Amanda is an idiot. She is that stuck-up bitch, who think she's better than everybody else.
4. I like Kali(even if she's a bit stupid) , Dom and Scorp -yeah, the nice guys.
5. First I thought- what in Merlin's greasy pants is that?? And I google'd it and found out he was the same rabbit like the one on my t-shirt :)
6. I would'nt have guessed it..Wondering what happened!
7. Something around the blackmail- episode perhaps? No, wait! They were bff's and then Kali turnes out to my a ninja- deatheater in disguise, who kicks puppies on her sparetime. :D
8. Not meee!
9. She becomes Hagrid's assistant ? Nooo, she visits some Healers and gets her mind back !!
Thanks, 10/10Author's Response: Love your answers! :P
You'll have to wait and see though! But since I'm feeling generous, I'll tell you one thing:
She's screwed. :P
Thanks for reviewing!! :D Report Review
really interesting so far!!! update soon.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I'll try to update soon! :) Report Review
2: me (:
3: fo sho homo
4: albusAuthor's Response: :D Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
Aaah! Update soon PLEASE!
I absolutely LOVE this story!
SOON!Author's Response: Wow! Reviewing both my novels! Double cookie portions for that!^^ And same as 'Screw it!' for the update! :D Report Review
I love this story so please update soon!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!^^ And I should be updating soon as the third chapter is three quarters done!^^ Report Review
Ok, the story was pretty interesting. I was mildly surprised at the use of the cruicates curse because of two reasons:
1. You have to be practiced to use it, and you have to mean it. I don't think that a student (excluding Voldemort) has enough hatred to use such a curse.
2. The student would be expelled immediately, like within a blink, they wouldn't just be given detention and left off the hook.
I think you have an interesting idea here though, so keep working at it, did you know that I did your banner by the way?
ariellem (Ravenclaw)Author's Response: I loved your banner! :D And yeah i know, i keep getting the "she should be expelled" comment, but McGonagal only suprised the fight when she said that, she didn't know about the whole thing (She IS expelled in the second chapter) and if you keep reading the reasons of how come she can do the cruciatus curse, it's more planned out that people seem to think when they read this lol^^ Cookies for the review! (because, we slytherins have cookies lol ;))
~LL Report Review
great story so far, please update soon , really like this chapter and could you write what happened between james and kali in the next chapterAuthor's Response: Haha! You'll like chapter 3! I did write a lot about James and Kali in the next chapter, however, you won't know what happened between them yet. ^^
Thanks for reviewing!!
~LL Report Review
i love your story. you must update!!
1.i'm not surprised kali is expelled.
2.i adore scorpius.
3.amanda is an idiot.
4.mine is kali and scorp
5.happy bunny is hilarious
6.im not surprised they used to be friends.
7.i think kali told james about her mother being a death eater
8.i think kali will get married and to james
9. i saw the my life is in james' hands.
10.i dont know whats going to happen. but i really want to find out!!
happy now?? can you update soon?? 9/10 =]Author's Response: Indeed I am happy! ;D You know what, I promise to update extra soon just because I really feel happy! ^^ Cookies for your review!
And as for your predictions... You wait and see! chapter 3 is full of suprises! A lot from the past, in there I promise! But also a lot of things cleared up. things that weren't quite realistic... you just wait and see!
~LL Report Review
wow i absolutly love this story. it is hilarious!! i adore it!! one problem though it got a bit confusing when you didnt use speech marks "blahblah". anyway 9/10 =]Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!^^ I'm glad you liked it!! as for punctuation, I think its better in chapter 2;)
~LL Report Review
Hey again :)
First, I'll answer you're questions (I like to have order in my reviews)-->
1- Nope, I'm more surprised the ministry weren't called straight away as using the cruciatus curse in hogwarts would be like stabbing someone multiple times in school so the authorities would be called in and even if she can't go to azkaban they would have some sort of young offenders type prison (sorry, I'm not going to let this go, I just think it's really unrealistic :/)
2- He seems nice, haven't really got a feel for his character yet, I like his mind reading abilities though :)
4- Probably Kali, but for some strange reason I want to say James... (maybe cause I feel sorry for him for having the cruciatus done on him and the person only getting expelled from school... ok I'll stop going on about it, promise.)
5- Don't really know what it is, sorry if that shows some sort of emptiness in my childhood so far :/
6- Um, not really surprised that they used to be friends, more surprised that they've gone from being friends to casting unforgivable curses on each other (I'm keeping to my promise, but I bet you know what I want to add here ;P)
7- She hit him with a cruciatus curse then too and escaped punishment? Sorry, I need to get over that...
8- No wayy, unless if maybe it's to one of the potter's or weasley's cause that would make an interesting story (OMG, am I a legilimense too? Please tell me I am??)
9-Not really, didn't know it was a big deal :/ Don't really get how it is either tbh, since Hogwarts should definitely have told the Ministry of Magic about the unforgiveable curse since if they didn't something is seriously wrong with the management of the place.
10- She is going to have to marry James Potter, or one of the other Potters/Weasleys (Albus being second most likely candidate.)
Right now onto my CC section (I've decided to do a listy review)-->
1-Work on sentance structure- can be hard to keep up with now and then. I like the stream of consciousness stuff but make sure it's done in a comprehensible way :)
2- Narrative can be a bit ditached at points- like when she's talking about her mother/father, I'd like to know how she feels about it? Does she hate Draco? Does she resent Astoria?
3- If Scorpius can't get into girls dorms- how did she get into his room the night before? I'll let you off on this one though cause JK slips up on it a bit in HP and the stair slide but was funny :P
4- If she casted a cruciatus spell in school she wou *claps hand over mouth* Ok, ok, I'll shut up about it and let you make your own decision.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this chapter too, and will probably come back for the next if it's not too long a wait! It's nice, easy-to-read stuff but would really be improved by a beta. It will be more of light reading, and it's quite light-hearted and fun but I don't think I can quite take it insanely seriously as a few things just make it a tad unrealistic for me (guess what they are?? ;P)
Well done though, and keep up the good work!
ps- wow that was a long review, sorry :/Author's Response: 1.My god! You can't even begin to imagine how much I want to tell you right now! But I can't because it's stuff you'll need to find out as the story goes... 2. anyway, just please bear with me for the first few chapters! Keep in mind that all of this is from a teen's POV. A teen whom people don't trust... *hint hint* Lets just say she isn't up to date on everything. 3. I think everyone agrees!^^ 4. James as favorite character? Interesting... James is kinda hard to figure out but he's a good kid^^ 5. You don't know Happy Bunny!!! O.O Your missing something! 6. Yeah, they've gone a long way! 7. Okay, my story might be a tad unrealistic but not THAT much! Jeez... 8. I'll keep this mysterious... 9. Things here WILL clear up in chapter 3. A lot of things clear up in chapter 3, 4 and 6 (5 is a little weird) 10. Not exactly. 1. I'll do my best! 2. That was on purpose though (at least for her parents it is), you'll figure out a little more about that in the next chapter 3. If you re-read HP (I don't remember which one) it states That girls can get into guy dorms, but guys can't get into girl dorms. 4 No comment.
PS: Don't be: I love long reviews!
~LL Report Review
Well firstly I'll just say that this was a very enjoyable chapter to read and I'll definitely read the next one. However for me there was one main fault that I just can't get my mind around- the cruciatus curse is an unforgivable curse and Kali would be sent to Azkaban prison- not given a detention! I'm sorry to say this but that just completely ruined the story for me as it made it so unbelievable. I think just hitting James and duelling with Albus would have got her a detention- maybe you could miss out the crucio? You're the author though, so it's up to you!
My second piece of CC (constructive criticism) is Kali's name- to me it just sounded a bit silly :/ I like the idea behind it but this really is too much of a good thing! I think just the Kali is good and you don't need the Kadavra or Hallows on the end of it (just a normal/known death eater last name). If you do want to keep the name, then please give some reason for it- cause I think every reader will be like 'who on earth would name their child that? and why??' But as I said before, it's up to you, your the author.
Now, on from the CC just so you don't think I'm just having a go! This was a really good first chapter- you're writing style flows well and is light and easy to read. You really managed to get Kali's character across in the narration, so I felt that I could completely understand what she was feeling at each point! I also really liked the character of Kali, particularly the use sarcasm/dry humour/irony (never know which is which), which was really funny and well done!
Overall it was a fun chapter to read with a good idea behind it and this story seems really promising! However I can tell from it that you are quite new to writing and for that reason think it may be a good idea for you to get a beta from the forums.
Lily :)Author's Response: Don't worry about the detention. You see, when McGonagall appeared, she didn't have all the information. She just saw Albus and Kali fighting, as well as James in the hospital wing. She didnt have all the info. Azkaban IS mentionned (as youll see in chapter 2) and not just in chapter 2. Youll have to see that for yourself though!! And dont worry the name DOES have a reason, Kali just doesnt know it yet ;) In any case Im glad you liked Kali! Thanks for reviewing!!^^
~LL Report Review
Glad to see the quotation marks make an appearance! Formatting was a bit easier to read in this chapter too which was nice. I'm not surprised she was expelled - she did use an Unforgivable Curse on James. I was wondering where the Karma came in, and it was nice to see Karma is the hilarious inner-dialogue! I still don't like Next Gen, sorry, but at least I reviewed! Heck, at least I read it. I usually avoid these fics like they're the plague. ;)Author's Response: That's okay^^ it's just like me and AU fics! I can't stand those!!! Thanks for reviewing!!
~LL Report Review
This is my first Next Gen fic and I don't know how I feel about it. I like to stick myself firmly in the past with the Marauders (I can barely stand to read Harry fics so I'm not surprised Next Gen does nothing for me.) It's an interesting plot so far; I like the bad blood between Kali and James Potter - makes for some fun fights, I bet. Kali's personality is great; she has a hilarious inner-dialogue. I'm not trying to be mean when I say this next comment, but have you thought about getting a beta? Just to help fix up some of the grammatical errors - it's only a suggestion though, so you can take it or leave it. But they were kind of distracting. Also, not using quotation marks kind of threw me off a little bit and made it difficult to read. It was often times hard to tell what was actually dialogue or narrative. The formatting was a bit weird at times too. Overall, though, it's a pretty decent start.Author's Response: Yeah I fixed a lot of those not too long ago! (Grammar mistakes) but it hasn't been validated yet. I think I was better in the next chapter? Anyway thanks for reviewing!!!^^ Report Review
okay. nice plot, nice characters, nice fight scene (i love fight scenes), nice anger/temper (i also love OCs with anger issues and really fiery tempers), and a generally nice beginning. but. why didn't you use quotation marks? i think it would've been easier to understand. i feel kind of hypocritical because i wrote a three-chapter story with now quotation marks AT ALL, but still. it was kind of confusing...anyways, your OC is pretty awesome. i like her name, because it's all DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! oh, yes, and, i'm a bit of a stickler about grammar. especially capitalization. hint, hint. but i do like it, and i hope you get the next chapter up soon. 9/10. evil Slytherin mind, hmm?Author's Response: YEAH!!! Another evil mind (I was starting to think everyone around here was NICE PFF nice is SO overated) But yeah I do have that stupid quotation marks/ grammar/ spelling issue. Glad you like Kali, I like her too!!!^^ And I will try my best in uptading. (though that might just take a while...) Report Review
MORE!!! I love it!!! :D Author's Response: Aww thanks so much^^
I'll try to get the next chapter out within a week, but no promises!!
I'm glad you liked it!!^^
-Luna Report Review
I enjoyed this very much! :D Please write more, it's really good!Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing!!! And both stories too!!! *cookies*
Yeah, I've got the contrary of writters block on this so much Ideas! Chapter two should come out soon, I'm just taking the liberty of a few challenges^^ Glad you liked it^^
-Luna Report Review
Okay, so I finally had time to review.
It's definitely interesting. I like her name, it's very unique. Your plot seems to be developing quite well.
There were a few punctuation mistakes and grammatical errors, but those can be fixed easily.
You have a good start!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing^^
Yeah punctuation mistakes were pointed out more than once^^'
Glad you liked it!
-Luna Report Review
Hey It's laura from IWWF :) I think you have a really interesting idea here, with Kali. The one thing I would watch is your punctuation when you're writing dialogue, like using " " and stuff, it was kind of hard to tell when the speaking would end. That's my only major critique :) Other than that, I like the premise of this story, how all the next-gen kids hate Kali except Dom. Can't wait to see what you do with this!Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!^^
Yeah I'll try to watch that^^
I'm glad you liked it, I'm almost done Ch.2 so it should come out soon!^^ Report Review
I liked the story, it was really easy to read. I prefer more text but other then that it was good.
And another thing is that the summary maybe don't tell enough, I chose the story since I found the summary amusing but you might want to tell about the story instead of the name explantion.Author's Response: Yeah I was thinking about changing the summary actually, I didn`t have the entire story set in my mind, it was more of a temporary thing
I know the chapter was short, don`t worry chapter two will be almost twice as much, I didn`t want to go to far, I wanted to just set up the basic.
I`m really glad you liked it! thanks for the review!^^ Report Review
I really enjoyed this! Pleasepleaseplease write more. I can't wait to hear more about Kali. :) (I thought the name was really clever)Author's Response: Thanks so much!!
I`m so glad you liked it!
Don`t worry you`ll have a nice little insight on Kali`s true personality in the next chapter, she actually is kind (even though she doesn`t look like it in this chapter^^) Report Review
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