Hello! I have to start by saying this one-shot was quite amazing. I enjoyed the fact that you took a story that was briefly mentioned in the books [Or is it just the movie? Hmmm…I have some reading to do…] and transformed it into a story on its own, even more so because it’s not a moment I put much thought too. Another reason I have to compliment it is that I’m usually not into Marauder era, but the way you weave this story makes that fact okay. You keep the characters in cannon and don’t embellish on their characteristics or how they interact with one another and that made it really easy to read and get into.
A big thing that I noticed and quite adore is the way your writing style changed when you moved from Lily’s point of view to Slughorn’s. With Lily it seemed a bit more informal, as if it was being told by a student and then when you move onto Slughorn, it seems more professional, as if from the perspective of a teacher. It’s a really cool effect you had going on, and it made it very clear who you were talking about.
There were a couple of really nitpicky things I wanted to comment about. Not all of them need fixing, necessarily, but they were just things I picked up on and were not sure if they were intentionally that way or not.
“Now, my Lily flower, you want to upset poor me, do you?” James asked arrogantly...” --With this one, did you intend for it to say ‘you DON’T want to upset poor me, do you?’
“Forming a plan in her head, Lily smiled; a look of complete joy on her face as she placed the bowl on her nightstand and headed down for dinner.” --I think the use of a semicolon here is not quite right…the part of the semicolon is not a complete sentence so I don’t know if you wanted a comma or maybe just to reword the second part? [Really nitpicky…sorry xD]
“A dusty pink light emanated from her wand and speared straight through the glass of the bowl, penetrating the golden fish that swam.” --This wasn’t the first sentence I noticed this with but you end the sentence with a verb and it just sounds a bit odd when you read it out loud. It may just be a stylistic thing, but you may consider saying ‘in the contained water’ or something more fitting than that.
“As the last of the students filed in, Horace glanced over her shoulder with a fond look upon his face, a look of content before turning back and addressing his students.” --This one is just a wording thing. Instead of content, I think you want contentment, as it fits with the tense and stuff you’re writing with.
I do realize those are really nitpicky and I apologize, but honestly, you didn’t have many errors at all. The plot was well developed, along with your characters, and I did really enjoy reading this! Great job!
~Grimmerz Report Review
It's completely wonderful! I loved it.Author's Response: Thank you so much! :D Report Review
I really like this!
It's taking advantage of a little snippet of information given in one of the books but then making it your own by going back in time to show the occurrence.
You portray Lily as quite sweet in here which is very interesting particularly in contrast to the boistrousness of the boys who interupt her on the way up to Slughorn's. Her care and considerate nature really shines through.
Slughorn Author's Response: Thank you so much. :)
I really wanted to know how this little snippet really happened and when I couldn't find anything on the archive, I thought, why not?
The difference in characterisation between the boys and Lily was something I really wanted to show as, to me, this is how they are.
Thank you again for your review. :) Report Review
Hm,wow this lovely.
I really like how James and Sirius were present for a part of it, very nice touch!
I was pleasantly surprised to find that this wasn't overloaded with with boring details. You wrote it in such a way that the details that you do have,create such a perfect picture. It was nice,instead of seventy million details to create a blurry picture. And yes,very literally seventy million XD
It was interesting to see part of it from Horace's view. I think you showed him as a bit of a softie,which I ultimately liked.
This was a creativeand unique piece,which is rare seeing as how there are a LOT of stories on this site. I think everybody's characterization was just absolutely brilliant, and I'm glad you didn't butcher any of the character! This was lovely.
Thank you for the great read,truly!
10/10Author's Response: I really did want to include James and Sirius, so I'm glad you liked them! :)
I was very consicous of the fact that this could have turned out to be purple prose, so I'm glad it didn't. I know what you mean, it literally is seventy million sometimes. :P
Thank you so much for your review. :) Report Review
I'm absolutely in love with your word choice. You can spice up any old sentence with words like "luscious" and "hurried," etc. Not many writers have an eye like that for lovely words, so kudos to you.
And I love how, if you've read the books or seen the movies, we really all should know this story already. And yet, you've put a marvelous little spin on it, and it's wonderful. It's fresh and exciting, even though the fiction inside is a story we are already familiar with. Lovely job.
What a sparkling work (though, after reading your other story, I would expect nothing less).
Your Secret SantaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much, you have no idea what this means to me! :) Report Review
I love how original this fiction is. I've never read a fic about this moment and its often forgotten in Marauder era fics. Though I found James and Sirius to be a little too stand-offish to what I expect, but it was still a great fic.
Well Done :)Author's Response: Thank you so much. :)
My thinking between characterising James and Sirius the way I did is because they're teenage boys. They're 15/16 in this and by this age they're hormonal and flirty and don't know any better. Report Review
Before I start, I have to apologise for the severe tardiness of this review. I have been exceptionally busy for the last few months but I didn't forget about your request!
This was a really, really lovely one-shot. And I think that part of its charm was that it was just focusing on Lily and Slughorn. Nothing more. Sure, the other elements of the Marauder era were there but it is so rare to come across a story that doesn't have at least some sort of inkling of romance between characters. And while I am always definitely for romance, it's hard to find stories that are focusing on other relationships. And you did that with this. So thank you.
There's something very innocent and sweet about this. Lily just wants to make her professor happy. And it's just so.. sweet. Gosh, I have used that word so many times but I don't know how else to describe it. This is the type of story that I would want to read after a long day and just relax and marvel at the beauty of words.
Some of your descriptions in this are absolutely lovely. Especially at the start, some of your earlier sentences where you were describing Lily near the lake were just gorgeous.
As for fluidity, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. In fact, when I looked back at your response to see what you wanted me to specifically deal with, I had to quickly scroll up and see what you meant about the two 'segments' - I didn't even notice the two parts, they meshed so well together!
This was lovely. So lovely. I feel like I should say more but I don't know what else to say. This was a little piece of perfection and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Joop.Author's Response: I know I'm a bit late in responding to review, but god, it's been almost a year! I'm so sorry!
Thank you so much, I really don't know what to say. It really is lovely to hear such nice things about the first piece you've 'properly' written.
I really can't thank you enough. :) Report Review
That was beautifully written. Great job! 10/10 :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! :) Report Review
Hi, it is JessicaLily from the forums with your Birthday gift! Happy Birthday!
This is absolutely amazing. Seriously. I have never read a fic before that highlights the Slughorn/Lily relationship so perfectly. Most authors seem to dislike Slughorn, and tend to make him into the bad guy but your characterisation of him is fab, as is the characterisation of Lily. Your story is unique in that it contains some James/Lily, yet they are the not the two main characters; it develops a different friendship that is lovely to read about. Your comment on her seeing him as almost a fatherly figure is poignant and helps us to understand why they have such a close relationship, especially since canon dictates that her Father must have died shortly after this took place.
Your descriptive passages are so vivid that I almost felt as if I was there alongside them; I really value good description and this was definitely a great example. Your snippets that hint at their era (the bellbottom jeans, the pineapple) really add in that extra dimension and show you to be someone who really cares about what they are writing.
I do not really have any complaints with this- it is a lovely one-shot that I will be adding to my favourites swiftly.
10/10 Report Review
Aww, that's so cute, I love it! The fish, I think, is mentioned in HBP and it's really good the way you picked up on something that small. Both Horace and Lily and even James and Sirius (what we see of them) are perfectly in character - I loved the little things, like the mention of crystallised pineapple and Petunia's cardigan. They added so much detail to the story. Also, I like the idea of the student naming the fish and the name 'Francis' is awesome. Also mentioned in the film, I believe? Correct me if I'm wrong, lol.
Seriously? Your first story? Wow.
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for a lovely review!
I felt as if this tale needed a little more detail and for some reason Florida really inspired me (trivia - this was written in the three broomsticks in the WWoHP).
Yes, it's my first story.
Sorry for the delay and thank you so much for the wonderful review. Report Review
Hello! I stumbled across your Author Page from a link in the Ravenclaw common room and when I saw this story, I knew that it would be my cup of tea.
This was a cute little fic. I loved at the end when Slughorn said, "Then Francis shall be his name." For some reason, it was my favourite line in the entire fic.
I think you managed to capture the character's personalities quite well. I can see Lily wanting to go back to a time when she and Petunia were friends, and I can certainly see James and Sirius being curious and cheeky. However, the characterization I loved best was Slughorn's. You showed him being not only the over-the-top professor and "collector" of students, but as a real person with feelings and who is even somewhat lonely.
It was very good for a first story. =)
Lily FlowerAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review, it was lovely.
I loved writing Slughorn, he's honestly the person I love to write the most as he has the most interesting personality - in my opinion.
I think what Lily yearned the most for was a friend rather than a sibling. She was alone in a family of normal people and although her parents were proud of her, I'm sure they isolated her subconsciously, mostly for the fear of the unknown.
Thank you so much and I'm so sorry for the lateness of my reply. Report Review
This was a cute little one-shot. I really liked reading this! Lily's characterization was perfect, just how I imagine her to be. James was, well amusing. And so was Slughorn, haha. I think the plot itself was quite different and well thought-out. The way the scenes wove together was really good. The dialogue was quite amusing and made me chuckle here and there. The entire story flowed really well. I truly enjoyed reading this especially dear Francis =P
All in all, this was a very nice and amusing one-shot. Great writing here, 10/10
Forum Name: AditiDraco95
SLYTHERINAuthor's Response: Yay, I'm so happy you enjoyed it! :D
I'm so glad the characterization worked out. Dialogue is something I feel that I struggle with so I'm happy that is seemed fine to you.
Thank you so much for your review! Report Review
That was sweet. I found it awfully cute that Slughorn named the fish after a student suggestion. He just seems so fond of his students and happy. I loved how you made him out to be such a joyful loving figure, it was very nicely written, with a lot of detail, and I liked that!^^ The ending was sweet and happy, unlike what I thought it would be. I had an impression you would end this with Lily and Francis dying a few years later, but I was obviously wrong and that's a good thing. You surprised me with your undeniably happy ending, and I always love being surprised. A very good fic, and I'm very impressed that this is your first one, since it was very good! Much better than my first submission that's for sure!^^
~LunarLuna of SlytherinAuthor's Response: Thank you. I'm glad that the ending was surprising for you, I really didn't want to end this piece on a sad note, I wanted to keep it happy and fluffy. >.<
Thank you for your review, it was lovely. :) Report Review
I read this story and I loved it! I thought you did a super great job on this one-shot! I thought it was really cute idea, and it was written wonderfully.You should write more :)
Lizmusic16 from the forumsAuthor's Response: Thank you so much!
Actually, I have a one-shot in the queue at the moment. Report Review
I know this is unrelated to the story, but I just have to say first off that your banner is absolutely beautiful.
Anyway, on to the story. I don't know if this is the first thing you've ever written or just the first thing you've posted to the site, but either way, it's very good. I always thought Slughorn was an interesting character but it wasn't until the HBP movie that I actually began to feel sorry for him a bit and understand why Lily might take a liking to him. I loved the part where you commented on her seeing him as almost fatherly. It's an interesting idea, considering her father in canon would either have died recently or die soon afterword. Overall, it really added to the touching quality of the piece. Speaking of canon, I also like the little nods you made throughout the story, including the bellbottom jeans and the pineapple. Very cute.
Your descriptions really stood out to me as the strong point in this piece. The opening was very vivid, as was Slughorn's messy desk. If I had to make one critique, it would be to watch out for word repetition. Just as a quick example:
The fish swam gracefully through the lake, the sunlight glinting through the waters reflecting off the creatures golden scales. A young woman sat by the lake, her hair matching the lone fish's golden scales. Twisting her wand through her fingers, a look of wonderment flooded her features as she watched the fish.
Fish is repeated three times, golden scales twice, lake twice. Obviously it's not wrong grammatically, but it might read a bit cleaner if there was a bit more word variety. Just a suggestion.
Overall, this was very sweet and enjoyable. I hope you continue posting more stories in the future.
A_wiz (RC)Author's Response: The banner really is fantastic, hysteria is such a great artist I really couldn't have asked for anything better.
I like to add in little details such as the bellbottoms and the pinapple, I feel it just polishes the piece off, adds a little bit more. It totally isn't because I ramble.
I was exactly the same when it came to Slughorn, Broadbent played him so fantastically that I just had to write something after watching HBP a few weeks before writing this.
Repition is something that I do often that I try to edit out and play around with so as to get more variety, but sometimes, I overlook things, evidently. I think I may be getting a little better, but only time will tell.
Thank you so much for your kind words, it's really lovely to get a review from someone such as yourself. Also, I'm so sorry for taking so long to reply, RL is hectic!
First of all, I loved the descriptions you put in the chapter. I could see where Lily was at the lake and I enjoyed watching the fish swim around in the lake before Lily scooped it up in the transfigured bowl. I especially loved Lily's run-in with James and Sirius. I could almost feel how close James got to Lily. I take it James doesn't believe in personal space, does he? :)
The overall story was just lovely, but my favorite part that brought a smile to my face was when Slughorn realized "something wasn't right" and automatically placed blame on James and Sirius. I could see that happening with any of the teachers because of their reputation. The way you revealed the fishbowl and appearance of the fish was very good. The only thing I would have done differently would have been to leave the note unsigned. Slughorn would have realized the lily petal was from his favorite student. This was a great story. Keep writing!Author's Response: Yes, I see James and Sirius being blames for the majority of mishaps that happened in Hogwarts during their time.
Thank you so much, really. Your comments are all so lovely and encouraging. It's people like you that keep my striving to write my best. Report Review
Your first submission to the website is lovely! A big congrats.
PS. I'm here from the ravenclaw review battle ;)
I myself am a HUGE Lily and James fan (they were my first ever novel) and I REALLY enjoy the angle you took with this small tidbit of canon we hear from Horace on an off-handed comment.
I thought the characterization was spot on and endearing. You had a great way of describing Lily and Slughorn and I really liked many of the angles you took to describe them. Slughorn is a fascinating character and you provided a view into his character that I don't read very often.
I really liked that this Lily/James story was not Lily/James centric. Sure--there were a few Lily/James moments, but you almost don't need them, as the story is really more about Lily and Slughorn--I do think indeed an interesting topic!
What really makes this story so epic, I think, is that it's unique. I absolutely love that it really goes a bit deeper than the average James/Lily story--which, probably based on how little we know about them, is usually focused on these "surface relationships". It took us deep into the person that Lily was...and her relationships with others.
Really, well done!! An enjoyable read, and certainly something a bit different. Not something easy to say about Lily and James!Author's Response: *SQUEE*
This is completely awesome! You're way too nice.
Thank you so much, and i'm sorry for this rubbish response, it really does justify how much I loved this. Report Review
This was your first fanfic? Wow, I wish my first fanfic was this good! This is absolutely incredible, especially for being your first submission ever!
I think you chose a great moment to write about. I love missing moment type things like this, and for me, a big part of what makes them good is if I could see them fitting into the books, and this definitely does for me. It was written super well, and it was just a really sweet, happy story. I loved every element.
Lily in this is just spot on. She's sweet, kind, eager to please. Very much in character, I think. And I love how you didnt go overboard on the insults, because that can definitely be a problem with some stories.
Cant wait to see what else you come up with! Write something else so I can come and read it :D
-NaidatheRavenclaw, RavenclawAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! You're too nice :)
I'm actually just about ready to put a Teddy/Victoire one-shot in the queue ;) Report Review
What a lovely little snapshot. The characters were wonderful, you really captured Lily's heart and she came across as very sweet and thoughtful. Slughorn was equally as nicely characterised and you could really see his delight at Lily's gift. It was the small things that you added to the characters like Petunia's cardigan and the crystilised pineapple that added a nice depth to them.
Sirius and James were good. They had their usual air of arrogance and self importance, yet Lily can easily see through them.
The story itself is well written and flows very nicely. A fee minor grammar mistakes but nothing that detracts. Overall, well done on your first story. It's a really nice piece.
ravenclawprincess - ravenclawAuthor's Response: Thank you so much :)
I'm glad that you liked the characters. One of my favourite things about writing this piece was adding the little details, it's something I love reading, so I thought they would be good to add in. Report Review
This was a great missing moment! I haven't heard anyone doing a story on this. It was really sweet and well done. My one constructive comment is, funnily enough, just that muggle objects don't work at Hogwarts... so maybe there was another kind of magical alarm clock?
Anyway, great job! Loved it :)
P.S, now your OCD is cured, and your reviews are even for the time being lol (saw your status on the forums :) )Author's Response: Thank you so much! :)
I kind of debated the whole alarm clock thing, but in the books, Ron says this: "Tomorrow," said Ron in a muffled voice, "I'd rather you set the alarm clock." So I'm thinking their is a magical version, or batteries work in Hogwarts :) Report Review
Hola! I felt like relieving you from your odd number of reviews OCD :)
This was a really sweet story, I loved it. You captured the characters just right, and the interactions between Lily, James, and Sirius were perfect. Slughorn was good too, and I loved how you included that the students tried to keep far away from him :) Great job for your first story!
10/10Author's Response: Thank you! :) I really didn't mean it as a hint, but it is quite an odd feeling, being relieved of an even number :P
I'm really glad that you felt the characterisation was good, it was something I was unsure of. Yea, Slughorn is a strange man, it seems right for students to stay at the back :)
Again, thank you so much :) Report Review
I'm so glad you mentioned this on the forum! It's SO CUTE :)
I thought it was really funny; I actually giggled aloud at "Black, you are a pig, literally" and I found the fact that Slughorn felt most at home down in the dungeons to be quite endearing. Your imagery was wonderful and I liked the little details you put in, like how Lily borrowed her sister's sweater without asking because it reminded her of the times when they had gotten along better and also the mention of Slughorn's beloved crystallized pineapple.
The characterization was probably the crowning glory of this piece. You wrote Lily and Slughorn perfectly, and you also did justice to James and Sirius. This story just kind of made me feel happy, just like it did when Slughorn told it in Half-Blood Prince. Thanks so much for sharing it! :)
P.S. I'm going to put this under Story Recommendations for either Lily or Slughorn, whichever I find first. Hope you don't mind :)Author's Response: THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER! :D
I'm glad you found that piece of dialogue funny, it seems a very 'Lily' thing to say. I like putting in little details like that, I think it gives a story more depth. It's like when you notice the little things about someone that just makes you like them even more.
You have no idea how much I love that you think my characterization is good! It's something that I don't feel is my strong point, and especially with this being my first story, I was kind of nervous about it.
Of course I don't mind! You are absolutely wonderful, thank you so much! :D Report Review
Hi there! Here for your reviews and can I firstly apologise for the delay!
You have lovely descriptions throughout and a really nice plot here :) It's a lovely snippet into every day life at the castle and I thought it was a really sweet piece of writing. Your characterisation, especially that of Slughorn, was spot on throughout :)
The interaction with Potter and Black was great, as is the intrigue you create around the 'plan'. The spellwork was described beautifully and the mention of Tuney's cardigan was a simple yet very effective touch.
A lovely story, and great writing :)Author's Response: No, don't apologize, you had things going on! :D
Thank you so much, Slughorn's characterisation was something that I really focused on and i'm so glas it's had such a good reception.
You're the first person to mention Petunia's cardigan, I really loved that little bit as I feel Lily really misses her, a sisterl bond is something really strong and when broken it has a profound effect on each party :)
Again, thank you so much :) Report Review
Hello! It's goodbyetoyou here with your review!
First off: THIS IS YOUR FIRST STORY?! I cannot believe that! It's so cute and well done, with such great dialogue and flow. I cannot believe that your first story is so simple and heartwarming! My first story had so many cliches and drama in them that I turn red at the thought. I absolutely love the relationship between Lily and Slughorn, I think its darling! Great work dear, and I want to see more from you!Author's Response: Thank you so much! Yes, this is my first story, but it's not the first i've written, my writing folder is overflowing with unread pieces :)
Thank you, again, for such a lovely review :) Report Review
It's great. I love the relationship between Slughorn and Lily :) The transformation process seems fine to me :) You have a wonderful little one-shot here, so good work.
~LilyAuthor's Response: Thank you so much, Lily :) Report Review
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