This is AditiDraco95 from the forums with the review you asked for. Firstly, I'm awfully sorry for the long wait I'd to put you through!
Now, coming to the review,
Since its the prologue, its supposed to be an introductory chapter and i think you've written it very well. I don't seem to find any errors at all, no grammatical mistakes, no sentence formation mistakes, the characterization seems to be good (yet; I say this 'cause till now you've only introduced 2 characters), the flow is well-placed, the scene overall is quite realistic, so all in all, its quite good.
It especially engrosses the reader and makes him/her want to read more, which is a pretty awesome thing since its just the first chp (or prologue).
Great start, and I think i would like to read more of this fic =D
Thanks for dropping by my review thread!
AD Report Review
Hello, sorry for taking so long...but anyway
That was such a mysterious chapter and I really liked it. It definitely left me wanting to read more.
The chapter flowed well and the pace was good. Right from the first paragraph you set up an air of mystery and secrecy that continued to the end.
The way you wrote the italicised passage was really nice. It was full of descriptions and metaphores and it was lovely to read, it it contrasted well with the present day scene.
Grammtaically, I didn't notice any issues so well done.
Overall, I though this was a nice prologue. While brief, it really has set the story up. It is very well writen and quite captivating. If you would like me to review more, repost in my thread with a link and I'll defnintely come and take a look. Report Review
You're thinking about that night are you?"-- I think you mean 'aren't you at the end of the sentence.
Hi there, LMW from the forums with your request chapter review and I thought I could pop over and fit in one more before bedtime tonight. I think you did a really good job introducing this story.
The beginning is SO short though that there isn't much established so I don't feel like I have much to comment on. Its good writing; thats for sure, but you don't really have any flow since its under 900 words. There is no pacing to worry about since its only one real scene for the reader.
Pansy and Draco aren't mentioned enough for me to decide if they are OOC or not; I am also not quite sure of the time period or the surroundings beyond if it could be canon or not.
I like what I read. But I would definitely have to read more to give you any advice I fear. My best advice would be to add a bit more description intermingled with you dialgoue perhaps. Also, to add some length so I can read more. Because I'm intrigued.
LMW Report Review
Hello there, I thought I'd review this since I saw it in the Review Tag forum at HPFF.
I don't normally read anything with Pansy or Draco in it, mainly because everything is either very cliche or just the fact that I never really liked Pansy much as a character in the books. However, your story has gotten me quite intrigued. I think that although you were worried about perhaps going out of character with some of them such as Pansy and Draco, I don't think that you did too badly. I strongly maintain that people can change, and since the last time we saw Draco was at the platform nineteen years after the war was over and even that was very little interaction between him and the trio, it is possible he could have changed. Especially, I believe, after the birth of his son, Scorpius.
Though I am not a parent, one could assume that becoming one would greatly change the way you percieve things in the world which is why when you wrote that Pansy would do anything for her daughter even though she was an annoying stuck up girl in the books is plausible to me.
Anyway, this is definitely a good start! I'd like to see where you take the story! ^_^
~VioletBladeAuthor's Response: i very much believe that people can change over time. especially considering the things that happened in the book. i try to see it from all different sides really. from the trios perspective pansy and draco were pretty much horrible people. but to others they seemed pretty well liked. at least within their house. there will of course be interaction between the slytherin and gryffindor side where they don't get along, but at some point everyone has to grow up. and that's something i plan on showing. Report Review
Well I'm certainly interested in this story. Hmm what can be happening? Haha reading the beginning my first thought was Ewww Pansy Parkinson Scorpius's mother? But then I thought can it really be that? What evil are they talking about? So yes, quite interested. Ive never read any Draco fics because I've been put off assuming everyone will get him out of character so yours is the first one :D
And you must think very highly of Draco to make him head of the department of mysteries. Does he do any of the actual research or does he just run things? Also you seem to be making Pansy a likeable character, JKR hated her so we should see how shes grown up and chaned but thats probably where you are headed anyway.
The only actual writing I can comment on is the part that says 'attached to the head of one Luna Lovegood.' That sounded weird and out of the style of the rest of the chapter, it puts me in the mind of a satire style but maybe its just me.
Not much I can give constructive wise, but its a good chapter to me
~WishesAuthor's Response: haha no she's isn't his mother xD she has her own daughter, but she's not scorp's mom. this is your first draco story? wow O: i love draco stories haha xD he just seemed right for the part of head for me. though that really isn't of any importance to the story. maybe later but not now. pansy is one of my favorite characters to write about actually. i see so many stories where she's mindless and i like giving her a new voice. anyway thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Hello! This is TenthWeasleyWriter from the forums, swinging by with your requested review. ^^
Before I even read the chapter, your story title pulled me right in, and that's a very good thing to be able to do. :) And there were no false pretenses there! The way that you write Draco and Pansy is spot-on, and is just plain fun to read (maybe 'fun' isn't the right adjective, but I'm too lazy to find a more suited one) because you've hit the nail on the head with them. I could find no grammar, spelling, or punctuation flaws, and even though the length was short, it was good, and needs no extensions to make sense. If THAT makes any sense. :P
All in all, a seriously enjoyable read that I am anxious to read the next installment of! If this is you 'getting back in the groove' then I think I speak for everyone when I say we can't wait to see you IN the groove! Thanks for requesting in my thread. :)Author's Response: i do hope i can make each chapter enjoyable. i'll just have to find the right voice for each character i think. i was really expecting to have lots of mistakes i missed after not writing for so long but i'm glad i haven't. i'm working on the next chapter so i hope for that one to be out soon. thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Hello! Here's your review...
This is just a tiny little thing but I think this 'and purely diamond made tiara'
sounds better as 'and a purely diamond made tiara'. :)Other than that tiny little hiccup, your grammar is just dandy. I do find in some sections that couple of your sentences seem a little stilted but there wasn't enough here yet for me to see whether that was just a teething thing seeing as you said you were just getting back into writing after a hiatus, right?
I normally divide these up into seperate sections but seeing as this is so short I don't feel the need! So, I honestly am filled with intrigue as to what's going to happen and I will definitely keep reading if you keep writing :) Draco and Pansy seem spot on, and I like the situation you've set up so far. All in all, this was really good and my only criticism is that I want to see more! But that's just me being greedy, if this was any longer it wouldn't have had the same kick to it!Author's Response: ah thanks for that. i'll look into it. yes i'm just now getting back into writing. i find it's kind of hard after not doing it for so long. i'm working on the first chapter and i plan to make it longer. i'm no good with super long chapters but hopefully i can get them atleast to 2,000 words xD thanks for your review dear. Report Review
You can’t just leave me there. WTH? I need more.
Hem. As I was saying, Hi, Lily here with your review. I thought this was a great story, you brought me right in. The flashback was done well, flowing nicely with the story. To not have written in two years, you’re doing a wonderful job. The characters seem fine to me. Actually, the entire story seems fine to me. I only had one problem, when you wrote, “present upon gift” I thought it was a bit awkward. Instead, try ‘present upon present’ or ‘gift upon gift’ as the other way it’s a bit odd. Other than that, you have a near perfect chapter. It’s a great story(:
Well, I guess that’s it for now. Feel free to rerequest(:
~LilyFireAuthor's Response: thank you for reviewing! omg that part xD i was saying it out loud to myself and no matter how i said it, it just felt so awkward. maybe it was just me that thought that though lol. i'll change it :) Report Review
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