Hi, electricfeel here from the forums with your incredibly late review (I'm so sorry!).
God, I absolutely loved this. Historical fiction tends to be my favourite, and I'm always so interested to see writers try something completely different on HPFF. This is certainly a unique premise for a story. I can pretty much guarantee I will not come across another story even slightly similiar. For that, you get my highest praise.
The plot itself is so interesting. The idea of a young wizard being drafted to fight in a very Muggle war is so intriguing. I can't wait to read how he copes!
Even though we know little about your main character, I find him already interesting. I can see that he is obviously fond of his mother, family and Muggle life, yet has a true fondness for Hogwarts and the friends he met there. It's nice to meet a character who appreciates both sides of the divide.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this and believe it is a very promising start. Feel free to request again and I promise you won't wait so long for a review next time!Author's Response: Oh, that's quite alright m'dear! I absolutely appreciate your review no matter how late it is! :)
I'm SO pleased you enjoyed it! I'm sort of smiling stupidly with all of your compliments!
Thank you thank you thank you thank you! :) Report Review
Hi! Well, I really tried hard to find things to criticise in this chapter... But I couldn't find anything!
I think it was sad to see Bristol leave, but at the same time, probably important to the plot? But why couldn't they just confund the generals? (Maybe there's a law saying that you cant do spells on military leaders, that you havent mentioned, hehe :D )
Anyway, what a coincidence that it was her house of all houses! I love it! I also think that you wrote his paranoia and desperation from the hunger extremely well, because I could just imagine his panicked tone in my head.
love love love this...
*sigh* so, yeah, just the usual things :D
LeanneAuthor's Response: Hello, Leanne! Such a pleasant surprise to see a review from you! :) Yay!
And yes, it was necessary for him to leave, as it was Benedict a few chapters back. You'll find out why in chapters down the road, and that's all I'll say about Bristol. C:
A coincidence that is also necessary for the plot! That's one reason why I wasn't too fond of writing this chapter; probably my least favorite, really. I'm glad you really enjoyed it though! That makes me feel a little better!
Thank you so incredibly much! Report Review
*sigh* you know what I think of this! Just wanted to let you know I'm continuing to read. :)Author's Response: *sigh* :) I do know, and I do appreciate very very muchly! Thank you, leanne! Report Review
Wow! Is the girl a witch? I wonder. Very good chapter, very good. I love how you are keeping up with all the historical facts of the period and trying to make everything as accurate as possible! Fantastic job, by the way. It's brilliant! :)
-KAuthor's Response: I solemnly swear I shall not give out any crucial information that may or may not result in any spoilers concerning the plot and its characters. c: Haha, in short - I cannot tell you the answer to your question!
Thank you so much! C: I appreciate all of your compliments, and it's nice to know that others appreciate the historical accuracies (though everything is really far from accurate! I have tweaked MANY many things.) Thank you! Report Review
And the plot thickens...not only does Ezekiel meet up with an old Hogwarts friend but a female colonist knows about wizards. Very interesting.
Again, you've blended history and Hogwarts in a wonderful fashion. Please keep writing, as I think this is probably one of the most inventive and clever pieces on the whole site. As always, I look forward to the next chapter.Author's Response: C: Interesting indeed, my dear Beene!
Thank you so much for all of your compliments! I always enjoy getting reviews from you! I look forward to hearing from you on the next chapter as well! I wrote some up on scrap paper today at my internship, so hopefully I can build off of what I've gathered in a little while on my days off! Thanks! c; Report Review
This is so good. I'm so jealous of this story! It's so well written and it's also full of history! (Which I love) Gah, I bow down before you! :)
Definately can't wait for the next chapter!
LeanneAuthor's Response: Thank you so much, Leanne! I'm hoping very much to get a new chapter out soon! I have two days off coming up that I plan to utilize some for reading and researching. You make me blush! I appreciate all your wonderful comments and I'm glad you enjoy! Keep an eye out! ;)
Ginni Report Review
Wow! This story is really different! I like it though. The Revolutionary War Era always interests me, as does a lot of history and wartime periods. I think it's something different than the traditional Harry, Marauder, or next generation story and that brings something to your story. I hope you update soon! :)
-KAuthor's Response: Different is good! Haha, I think. :) I'm glad you enjoy it so much and hopefully I will have time to write again soon! Keep an eye out and thank you for reading and reviewing! - Ginni Report Review
As always, very well done. Always an enjoyable blend of history and magic. Please keep going, as this is still one of the most interesting stories on the site.Author's Response: Thank you so much, Beene! I'm glad you're enjoying reading it as much as I am writing it! :) I appreciate your compliments, it means so much! Keep an eye out, hopefully I'll have time to write again soon! - Ginni Report Review
Another good chapter. I can see that you have really done your homework where this story is concerned. Another 9/10 and I'll read the rest when my phone is charged (computer is knackered) so using my mobile phone.Author's Response: Thank you very much! I'm absolutely thrilled that you're enjoying it! :) The homework and research certainly pays off! Haha. Though, it's going to go through some heavy revisions once I start my Revolutionary America course next spring. ;) Thanks so much!
- Ginni Report Review
Another good chapter. And another 9/10. Now onto the next chapter.Author's Response: Thank you! :) Report Review
I found the beginning of this story to be very interesting. What made you choose the time period? I mean it was during the time when witches were burned at the stake. A good chapter and I give you 9/10 and go onto your next chapter.Author's Response: The time period is one of my favorites. I'm in school to become a historical or medieval archaeologist, and the 18th century has always fascinated me, especially Britain's relationship with the colonies and its Empire. I'm not going to focus so much on the burning of the witches and what not, I feel like that's a wee bit over done. Instead, I want to focus on the journey of a soldier, who is also a wizard - and how he struggles to find out who he really is and where he belongs in the world.
Wow, long winded explanation! Haha. Well, thank you very much for all of your compliments! I'm glad this drew you in! :)
-Ginni Report Review
charlottetrips, from the forums, here for your review! Sorry it took me so long to get through thisówork and allóbut I have now finished reading up to here!
First of all, let me tell you how impressed I was at the basis of your story, steeping it in the American Revolution and taking the time to research it outówhat with the clothes, the places and other such details. This is certainly an undertaking, though I seem to get that youíre a bit of a history buff, no?
One thing you should watch out for that I saw in reading through the chapters is that Ezekielís inner thoughts sounded a bit too modern at times. One such line is, ďI felt as though I reality was hitting me, moment by moment.Ē Thereís a bit of the grammatical error but there it also seems more of a 20th to 21st century type of statement, at least to me. For some reason, the idea I get it should be is ďMoment by moment, I could truly feel the cold and harsh circumstances of my situation.Ē You know, something like that.
Right now, Iím just feeling pitiful of Ezekiel. Hopefully, he grows some *ahem* in the coming chapters, eh? His family life is interesting, the obvious tension between them something I would like to be explained fully at some point. I mean, I get that part of it comes from him being a wizard and all that but still. What happened to Thomas?
I liked how you explained Benedictís rank. I would have no idea what a First Left Lieutenant was if you hadnít put in that description afterwards.
Otherwise your attention to detail is admirable (only 1 spelling error I could see as above) and your writing, at times, is actually quite remarkable especially the paragraph in the last bit of this chapter describing the lowering of the old ladyís coffin.
Keep going! This would be very interesting to see the direction it goes.
x CharAuthor's Response: Oh, no it's quite alright! Let me apologize for taking so long to reply to this! :) I am most certainly a history buff (historical archaeologist, specifically ;] ), with the War of American Independence being a VERY large focus as well as 18th century Britain. I love researching, so the fact that this requires research in an area I love is just PERFECT.
Ah, yes. Thanks for catching the anachronisms. They sometimes slip in there when I'm in a good groove, and I don't catch them because I'm too excited to move forward!
Oh, he certainly grows. Or, he may not grow as much as you think. I love being vague. -skips off- There is so much tension between all of his family members, and I'll leave that there. Ezekiel's elder brother Thomas contracted the hereditary disease that his mother has and died when he was around 13.
Char, thank you SO much for your compliments! They made me smile. :) I appreciate it sooo soo very much, and I will certainly let you know, if you'd like, when there's more up!
- Ginni Report Review
Loved the initial description. I can totally picture him standing on deck, looking out at the ocean around him.
I was unsure about his comparisons to the navy and his reflections that it was never his path even though he preferred it. I understand Hogwarts would have complicated things, but I feel like there's more details missing (maybe future stuff about his brother? I hope so, I'm really curious:))
LOVE Benedict! He seems like a legitimately kind man, especially when he shows Ezekiel around and when he dismisses them. I'd be interested in watching the conversation between the Captain and the First Lieutenant.
The dream at the end is really creepy. Maybe the death of the mother?
I liked the description of Benedict at the beginning, but I felt it was rather unfair to Maria. I feel like I'm supposed to hate her because all of Ezekiel's comment and interactions with/about her are negative while people (like his father), who he doesn't particularly like seem to approve of Maria.
The initial interaction with Benedict was good because I felt it made Ezekiel more human. He's intimidated, he's rather overwhelmed and sometimes he can't keep his mouth shut. Not characteristics of the ideal soldier, but definitely a human being. I was expecting a far worse conversation, especially because Benedict admires the Captain and makes a comment about Ezekiel's age, but I feel like nothing too damaging occurred. I look forward to this relationship developing (maybe an inverse of his relationship with Atticus?)
Does he vomit at the end? I wasn't too sure if he had or if he was just smelling it. And the lack of a bucket had a couple different interpretations for me.
Overall, I really liked the introduction of Benedict as well as the more depth that was added to the routine of life on the ship. I find the level of detail you include to be fascinating, especially because it's a concept I don't have any history with, so the feel for the ship and his patrol on it is very interesting.
Fantastic chapter:)Author's Response: Oh, I have a feeling I√Ę¬Ä¬ôm going to have a band of Benedict fans following me√Ę¬Ä¬¶ ;)
As far as Maria is concerned √Ę¬Ä¬ď it√Ę¬Ä¬ôs a developing plot point, so I can√Ę¬Ä¬ôt give much away, but I will say that his relationship with his sister is built upon immaturity and lots of social problems that were in turn built upon the expectations of society in the 18th century. You are supposed to hate her, at the moment. Well, you can feel what you want for her, but hate is certainly a viable option! √Į¬Ā¬ä
I√Ę¬Ä¬ôm glad you thought that the interaction with Benedict was well! I felt a little awkward writing that, unsure of how it would turn out, but I√Ę¬Ä¬ôm glad you pointed it out and liked it! No, he definitely isn√Ę¬Ä¬ôt a real soldier, you√Ę¬Ä¬ôll see soon enough! √Į¬Ā¬ä Benedict will become his Atticus for a while, though not NEARLY as close (commanding officer relationship and all) but again, won√Ę¬Ä¬ôt disclose the plans I have in store for him! Hahahaha.
He does vomit at the end. Gross, right? Interpret the bucket as you may √Ę¬Ä¬ďinsert mischievous cackle here-
I√Ę¬Ä¬ôm still researching ship-life myself√Ę¬Ä¬¶ of course not everything is accurate. Most of it is probably far from accurate for fictional purposes, but at least it feels real!
Thank you for another fantastic review! I so greatly appreciate it!
I really liked the author's note you put at the end. I think it shows a lot of the research and effort you've put into the story, even if I'm not consciously registering the fact while I'm reading it. It just shows because I'm not registering it. The fact that the story flows so well is in part due to your construction of the scene and this historical backing.
I think the relationship between Ezekiel and his father is sad because there's so much misunderstanding. But I suppose it's unavoidable...he's been gone for 7 years in a place his father can't understand.
The scene with Atticus is sweet. I'm unsure as to why a second year would still be lost in the castle, but regardless. I think you capture the emotions well, especially the blend between the 12 year old's feelings and present time Ezekiel's confusion and sense of a different distress. I really like Atticus's lines. I think they're really powerful.
I wasn't sure about the wake up scene. The words the man spewed seemed to blur around me. Kind of like I'd just woken up. I guess I was confused because if he was sleeping on duty, why wasn't he in more trouble? And why would the guy wake him up anyway?
Random thing, I felt like Knox should have been Nox. But maybe that's just my flawed memory.
Very well done:)Author's Response: Yes! That's what I wanted to accomplish with my research. I didn't want to throw in fact after fact to readers who may not be well aware of the historical context - they'd get completely lost (I would too!) So I'm glad that it could be picked up and recognized without even trying.
Yeah, Ezekiel and his whole family have some issues. ;) It's sort of a main plot point so I won't reveal too much!
Ezekiel is a very, very direction senseless boy. Staircases in Hogwarts sort of know that, and play upon his fault by getting him lost in places of the castle that he's sure he hadn't seen before. And classrooms move all the time, as well. To put it bluntly, he's a bit of a derp. And that's why he gets lost ;)
Your reaction to the wake up scene was what I aimed to actually convey. You're supposed to feel jostled, and rudely awoken, not quite sure what was going on. He's not in trouble because this man wasn't a commanding officer - he was a deck hand that took a miniscule amount of pity on him and woke him up in the nicest way he knew how - by being rude, really. ;)
Oh, no you are very right! Knox should be nox! Thanks for catching that! :)
Thank you very much for all your compliments and your fantastic review, CFY! :)
- Ginni Report Review
This was another great chapter! I kind of like the idea that his sister is so bitter, because its so plausible. And it's kind of a parallel to petunia/lily.
Your writing is amazing! It's so enjoyable to read and it flows really well. And it's all important things. There doesn't seem to be anything really unnessecary. I feel like everything your telling me will be important at some point, so that's really great!
I like Ezekiel, but I have to admit - I really want to know what happened to his brother! And also, I may have just missed this, but was there a description of his looks? Just curious because in my mind I kind if picture him being totally adorable.
Great job! Feel free to request again!
Kristen=]Author's Response: You've got it, there is a bit of Petunia/Lily tension between the two of them. Goes a little deeper and different, though. ;)
Thank you so much! You've got it, everything is like a little nugget. So go get your rock collection box and stick 'em in there - you'll need them later!
Thomas died when they were young because of his mother's hereditary disease that was only given to her first born. Ezekiel WAS a sickly child but he never got as far as his mother or brother. There's a brief description of himself as he looks in the mirror (being first person, descriptions of the main character are difficult, so generally I like to use a mirrored reflection sort of deal). He's very gangly, awkwardly tall, willowy and thin - coarse brown hair, and some freckles. -nods- He really is adorable. ;)
Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
I like the comparison to how young he truly is as well as how unprepared he is to function in this world as a soldier. You had a couple of spelling mistakes as well as some grammatical errors, but overall they didn't detract from this story. Example: (that blond hair that set me apart from everyone elseÖ that made me different) --should be the blond hair because it refers to the familial trait, even if he's triggered by Maria's specific hair.
I feel an element of foreshadowing in this chapter when he forgets to kiss Maria and he realizes it may be the last time he sees her.
I'd love to know more about his relationships at Hogwarts and his past. Your clues have just made me want more details *grins.*
I feel bad for Maria and yet at the same time I can help but feel she is immature as well. I understand that she is still young, but coming from a family that is highly ranked (her father seems to be important), one would assume she'd be better groomed, even if her mother is sick. Even if she is 14 or so, girls/women back then were expected to play the roles of adults, so her accusations sound infantile, or more like what a teenager now would say. But I'm sure you can come up with a way of justifying her behavior; I'd just like more insight.
It will be interesting to see how his father responds.
Now that I think about it, I'm not sure why Ezekiel didn't call for his father as well when he got home...
Well done this chapter as well!Author's Response: Thank you so much for pointing out the mistakes. When I have time over the summer, I'll go through and mass edit this. ;)
Oh, you picked up on the foreshadowing! Good for you! Now, I betchya you can't guess what that foreshadows? ;) I guess my writing trademarks are cliffhangers and mysteriously left out details... Oops. Oh well! More fun for me, haha!
Maria is VERY immature. She's living in that time, where you're right, she has to take on adult responsibilities... and she has: taking care of their mother and working, and so on, being the large ones. Their father isn't a very ... home-based figure. Being in the military makes it hard for him to return home for extended periods of time. He's a very distant, torn man when he does come home. There's a lot about Maria I'm not willing to share just yet, but just understand that she's reached the breaking point of having all this work put on her, especially since she IS from that upper-class family where she shouldn't have to pull all of this responsibility.
Ezekiel didn't call for his father because there's a lot of tension between the two of them, which you'll see later on. He never was a father's child.
Thank you! Report Review
I love history, so I was super excited when you requested a review!
I think you've done a good job trying to keep characters in their historical contexts. I really like Ezekiel's awareness about things, be in what he's learned in the magical world or what he knows of the muggle world.
I was kind of unsure about his age. At first I felt like he was old enough to apparate, but then he says something about not being able to apparate, so I was confused.
I felt like the fact that he wants to call out to his mother, even though he knows she's ill and risks waking her up was not really what one would expect from that time-period.
His sister's character seems interesting, I'd love to see her more developed in the future.
The first sentence/paragraph sounds a bit off. I think it's your attempt to set the mood in a historical piece, but it feels wordy and somewhat convoluted.
Overall, I think you do a fantastic job of establishing the time-period and providing characters that have a lot of room to be worked on. The plot will be interesting.
This prologue was very well written; nice job! You've got me looking forward to future chapters!Author's Response: Hullo, thank you very much!
As far as his age, he was born New Years Eve, so for him to apparate home for Christmas break wasn't possible because he wasn't seventeen yet. Maria's got a cloud of mystery around her, and it's meant to be that way. You'll find out more about her in future chapters. ;)
Thank you for the pointers. I sometimes start off shaky, and I've been told in academic writing that I'm very dense, so I have to constantly remind myself of that. Oops! Haha.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review! I appreciate it!
- Ginni Report Review
This is very good :) I'll be sure to keep reading :)Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
WitchyWoman here again!
I liked this chapter. The fact that he may have found someone who might actually care a bit for him is nice. I have a feeling that it might cause trouble with his father though.
I guess I was a bit confused by the end and the part in italics. Is it supposed to be a dream, a vision, a memory (except that it is of a girl and not Ezekiel) or what exactly? I am guessing a dream since he said blind with dreams and lack of sleep, but it seems odd to have a dream while walking. Maybe you meant for it to be vague and it will be explained in the future. I guess I will have to keep reading to find out more!
The only grammar thing I found was in the italics, second paragraph first line, the should be they. You are a great writer and there are no problems there! Everything is very clear and easy to understand. I can tell that you have put a lot of work into the research for accuracy and it definitely comes through.
I am interested to see where you will take this story!Author's Response: Hullo again!
Benedict will be his beacon for a while; I haven't decided what I want to do with him yet, but there he is. A few friends here at college forbade me from making Benedict a baddie, but we'll see where each turn takes us ;)
After you mentioned the ending was confusing, I went back, and put in a break. Because this is in first person, he was so tired that night that he has no recollection of physically walking from his post on the top deck, to his cot. The only thing he remembers next is the dream, and waking up sick to his stomach. The girl is up to you to interpret! I know who she is, but do you? ;) -tease-
Thank you very much for all your continuous, amazing, compliments! You have no idea how much I appreciate it!
-Ginni Report Review
Hello there! Krissyanne426 from the forums here with your requested review. I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get to this.
I really like what you've done with this first chapter. I'm not a huge history fan, but I feel like this is something I could totally get into.
Your writing is amazing! I don't know if you have a beta, or if you just do it yourself, but it's reaaly great. The flow is amazing, and it's enjoyable to read.
I'll see you in the next chapter!
Kristen=]Author's Response: It's quite alright Kristen! I understand ;)
Great! That's exactly what I want to hear: a non-history fan getting into it regardless! Thank you very much for the compliments, they make me smile. I'm very pleased!
- Ginni Report Review
WitchyWoman here again!
Another good chapter. I think that really meeting Ezekiel's father and his treatment of him helps to explain why Ezekiel is the way he is. He cannot meet expectations and needs to find his place as the dream Atticus said.
I think the research you did is great. With the vivid description of the uniform it helps the reader to picture it perfectly.
I found the first paragraph to be a bit confusing with the recollection to the other boat trips and then immediately to the description of the hat. I had to reread it a bit thinking I missed something. I think that there was an extra 'I' somewhere that shouldn't have been, but I can't find it again right now. But other than that, there were not any grammar problems that I could find.
I am interested to see how he will use magic on the ship. Good job!Author's Response: You've got it! Atticus is Ezekiel's inner light as of right now (.right now... mwhaha). Thank you so much for commenting on the research! It took a long time to get the facts I wanted to cohese together to work. I had to twist a few details, for fictional purposes, but other than that, It worked out.
Thank you so much!
-Ginni Report Review
WitchyWoman here again!
Another good chapter. Questions that popped into my head as I was reading and will probably be answered later are, will we find out how Ezekiel was discovered, why is his sister really so bitter, did the mom know he was supposed to leave that day and if so why didn't she wake him. I guess I wonder why the sister didn't wake him since it seemed like she wanted him gone, unless she wanted him to get in trouble for being late. I wish there would have been some interaction between Ezekiel and his mother. I am sure she wasn't pleased that her last son was leaving so soon after returning home. She seems sympathetic to him based on her discussion that he overheard.
The only errors I really noticed were, 'Now that I have arrived home for the good, at least they so supposed' it seems worded oddly; also, 'Though I cannot agree with the reasons of this War. I have no interest in the colonies.' I think that it should have a comma and not a period. Otherwise, the grammar was really good.
I hope that helps!Author's Response: Hello again!
Thank you! The questions that you have are meant to be there, so don't be alarmed ;) Maria and Ezekiel's relationship is very complicated. His mother and Ezekiel, I haven't fully developed their relationship, but it's far more close than he'd ever be with his father. Call him a mama's boy, if you will! ;) Maria likes to spite him, and underhand him all the time. She's very... mischievous.
Thank you for pointing out the errors and thank you for taking the time and effort to read and review!
Ginni Report Review
This is a very interesting first chapter. You do a great job describing the scene and I can picture the journey that Ezekiel is on and then how he arrived at his home. You left a lot of mystery (in my opinion) to the story and it makes the reader want to read the next chapter to figure out what is happening. I wonder if the phrase, 'turning inanimate objects into animals would one day save my life in the Wizarding World.' is something that will play a part in his future.
I found one sentence that may have a mistake (but maybe it was what you meant) 'the past seven being the most memorial of my life,' I think memorable would be better than memorial. I didn't find any grammar problems and the chapter read clearly.
Great first chapter!Author's Response: Hello WitchyWoman,
Thank you very much! Mystery is my goal ;) It's a habit of mine to write in mystery and cliff-hangers. I haven't actually thought about using that phrase as foreshadowing, but who knows? ;)
Yes, I've had that mistake pointed out before and I will be getting around to editing when I get out of finals week.
Thank you, very much! Report Review
Ginni! I love this, you must update soon. I am so entrigued by Ezekiel and his story. You leave me knowing enough to keep me constantly guessing! Atticus' words were so inspirational and his dream was played out so well. You descriptive words are far more advanced then mine will ever be and im so jealous! lol i love this story you can definitely expect me back for the chapters to come! :)Author's Response: Haha! I'm working on chapter four slowly, but I've got a big paper due this week followed by final exams, so hopefully in a few weeks chapter four will be out! Oh, honey, don't shoot yourself down before you have the chance to grow! c: You can be the best you aim to be, dear.
Thank you so much for the compliments, and don't give up trying, okay? ;D Report Review
D: Poor Ezekiel!!! I just feel so bad for him already. He lost so much leaving Hogwarts and he has to relose it all and even more so being forced off to war. Again the time line and word choose for the time line just amazes me! It takes talent to be able to write this way and i am truly jealous of you for being so great at it!Author's Response: Teehee, that's my goal! He's quite an angst ridden fellow right now, and he's supposed to pull at your heartstrings! I'm so glad you enjoy the time period and my word-choice. It's a fantastic compliment to hear and I can't thank you enough. Thank you so much! Report Review
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