great chapie.. so happy that hermione found her parents.. Report Review
fallen in love with this story, already! happy that hermione & draco are able to communication with each other, so their past will be heal.. like this different kind of d/h plot! Report Review
hey! great chp! i liked how everything turned out. great work!
ADAuthor's Response: Thank you again! It makes me smile to know that you are reviewing my story! I am so glad that you are enjoying it! Wow--10/10...not sure that I can rise up to that level for all the other chapters! But really, thank you for the positive feedback--I love it! Report Review
i feel so bad for not reviewing on the previous chapters! i got so absorbed and addicted to this fic that i just simply couldn't stop! i am so jealous of Hermione for having such a wonderful guy!! haha! i am very excited to see what their future has in store for them, and i cannot wait for the next chapter. You have just acquired a loyal and faithful fan. :D lol i can just see a scene of them in my head dancing like goofballs at some Aussie dance club on the beach in their swimsuits! lol i've been to Australia and i've seen such things! anywho! i'm excited for the next update! i hope all is well- KTMalfoyAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I am glad that the story can be addicting and that you are enjoying it. I love the idea of them dancing on a beach...but that may have to be an imagination fill-in as the next chapter will not include it :( They will be returning to London soon and I have other plans for them! I have always wanted to go to Australia--maybe someday! I hope that you will enjoy future chapters...they may be awhile in coming, I have lost a bit of my muse for the story right now. I need to figure out exactly where I want to go before I will post again. I hope that it will be resolved in the next week--then there is the queue. Sorry for the long rambling! Thank you again for the wonderful review! It made me smile! Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested. :)
You have an interesting story forming here, and I'm curious to see where it will go. Your descriptions of the events going on around Hermione were well done, but I feel like it is lacking character from Hermione, and that isn't a good thing when she is the main character.
Everything is going fairly well, but I feel as if Draco and Hermione are entering the fields of friendly much sooner than normal. Drake seems a little out of character to me, but that's all right. It's your story, and I'm curious to see nonetheless where it will go. :)
Thanks for requesting!
DrueAuthor's Response: Thank you for taking time to review!
I hope that I will be able to develop Hermione better in future chapters. I know she will change a bit as the story develops.
They are too friendly, I agree. I would definitely change this if I rewrote it. I think there should have been more skepticism on Hermione's part and maybe not so nice so quickly from Draco. Draco is definitely out of character, but that is my intention.
I hope that you will continue to read it and that future chapters are enjoyable!
Thank you again for the review. Report Review
I've noticed a pattern in all of your introductions - dear, Merlin. Am I ever going to stop? - and I wonder why it occurs. While the introductions have improved exponentially since the first chapter, like everything else in the novel, they all seem to say the same thing. "it was a beautiful day". Is it ever not a beautiful day? I feel like you've set up a perfect, beautiful, happy setting, to go along with your perfect, beautiful, happy characters and perfect, beautiful, happy plotline. Excuse me while I fall asleep at my computer.
When you continue to repeat the "officially be his girlfriend" business, it's very... repetitive. It almost ruins the "girlfriend" aspect. That might just be how you word it the same way every time - Hermione just repeats herself over and over again. Personal preference, perhaps.
"Why is there a Death Eater in the store and why is he touching Hermione? Why aren’t either of you rescuing her?"
I think my favorite parts of dialogue from this story are the moments when Fred's talking. I love Fred. I'm glad you haven't made him as formal as the others - I love his parts, as rare as they are. Now, if only you could give all of your characters as unique of a voice as Fred has.
Also, I love the Australia thing - Draco helping her is too sweet, no matter how OOC their relationship might be!
Your story has so much potential. I can't wait to watch it grow and progress!
I think my job as a dutiful, long-winded reviewer is almost done. Not to say I won't be around, because I do intend to follow this story wherever it may go. :) However, I've beaten the dead horse enough - so much so that there's really not much of it left - and I hope you're satisfied and not terribly offended by my reviews that I've left for you!
-Paige.Author's Response: This review made me laugh and I know that probably wasn't your intention.
I didn't notice the introductions until you pointed it out. I hope that future chapters will not leave you in a story induced coma!
I hated the first part of this chapter and it was my attempt at Ginny and Hermione again. I'm not sure how I will make them different in the future, but I will work on it.
Ah Fred again. He is the best part of the first half of the chapter.
I hope that Australia doesn't disappoint in the future. I have never been and am not sure how to write it yet. It is necessary to go there to get her parents and Draco joining her is important too.
I hope that you will read more of this story and that it will become more enjoyable. I laughed again at the dead horse comment. I am definitely not offended by your reviews. You make them interesting to read and really did give me a lot to think about and they will hopefully help me improve.
Thank you for taking the time to review each chapter thoroughly. It really does mean a lot to me. Report Review
Once again, your introductions are improving by a lot, and I'm glad to see that.
However, I have to let you know now - I've been dreading the date chapter. I have. I'm sorry, I know I'm a blunt, critical, mean reviewer - which is kind of what you signed up for, although that's not my point - but I've been dreading it. This is where we see what you're made of. Are you a cliche Dramione writer, or are you a powerful, strong, talented writer who can pull off pairing Hermione and Draco together? Note the distinguishment there - Dramione vs. Hermione and Draco. I do hate couple names.
And after the beginning of this story, I'm only growing more worried. The sudden reconciliation with Ron. The list in the beginning and the outfit description. Outfits don't fit with Hermione - have we ever seen her fuss over clothes? No, of course not. It doesn't seem right that she would pay any attention to the clothes she put on, and if she did, she wouldn't notice them in the manner that she's been written to do. Oh, I'm hoping you can pull through this unscathed by the horrible cliched world of Dramione and into the real world of Hermione/Draco. Please, please, please!
(Insert long-winded rant about your formality here.)
Long story short - just use contractions every once in a while. I feel like this is too robotic! It's overwhelmingly perfect. Make it less perfect!
Okay, the date is kind of perfect. Which is potentially good and potentially bad. But so far, I really like that he's bringing Hermione to Shakespeare's birthplace. Clearly, that's perfect for her, in more ways than one.
And then they meet the fortune teller. Oh, Merlin. It's not as bad as I was preparing myself for though, thank the lord!
"I realize your hesitancy and if I were in your position I would also be nervous. My mother is not my aunt."
I don't know what it is about this sentence, but it really bothered me. Not the sentence itself, but its structure. Why are you being so formal? I understand that it's your personal style, but you should loosen up a little. It's so stiff! It's really, truly difficult to read. And I hate saying that because I do like this story.
I've got no time to continue on, which may be a good thing - I think I'm a little too grouchy to write a good review. So I apologize if this one seemed a little too critical. I really did like this chapter - the date was perfect. The fortune teller part was cheesy, but it fits in the story, and I like that you make things fit.
All in all, I'm still glad you lead me to read this piece. :)
-Paige.Author's Response: Hello and thank you again!
I am glad that my introductions are improving. I guess that whole outfit thing for Hermione was my attempt at some extra description. I hate describing clothes so I will probably avoid that in the future unless it is important.
The reconciliation with Ron...I was trying to repond to some past reviews as to why Hermione would be so accepting of Draco so quickly and hoped that it would start to show through her discussion with Ron. I wanted him to see her side of it and get back on her good side.
I'm glad that the date was perfect (I think--as long as that is a good thing). Was it too cliche? I needed the fortune teller part for future chapters and really didn't want to write it since I was worried about it also. Cheesy is okay if it works!
I promise you aren't a mean reviewer...and like you said, I did know what I was asking for when I requested. Without critique I would think everything is great and as wonderful as it would be to see things through rose-colored glasses all the time, while pretty it wouldn't be realistic.
Thank you again!
I want to congratulate you on your introduction to this chapter - it's improved a lot from the first introduction, and I feel like you tried to create a setting and an atmosphere this time, something I didn't feel in the past two chapters I've read. Bravo! I love to see improvements - and even better that you did so on your own, since this chapter was clearly posted before I butted my nose into your story. Hehe.
I really like the idea of Draco and Narcissa redesigning the manor and removing everything that reminded them of their dark past. If you're going to recreate Draco the character, it makes sense to show him shedding his past and renewing himself in this way as well as in his personality. It seems very realistic, as well, for even Narcissa to throw out all of the things that reminded her of her past position as the wife of a Death Eater and a follower of Voldemort. I've always been intrigued by Narcissa, and I like that you're featuring her in this light.
One thing I've noticed in your writing - you're very big on transition words, which is nice at times, but sometimes overwhelming. It makes your writing sound immature on occasion, when it feels like you're almost listing what's going on and what the characters are doing. "Next, Hermione does this. Then, Hermione does that." The transitions are a good thing, but try to ease up on them slightly if that's possible, just to make your writing seem a little more mature and less formal.
Your style, at the moment, reminds me more of an essay than anything. That isn't meaning to be an insult, although I understand if it seems like one, but from your lack of description and the way you write about things, that's what it feels like to me. It's just listing of occurences, followed by analysis. There's not enough description, setting, or rhetoric. That may be just a personal opinion about this, however.
I do want to applaud you on your improvements since the first chapter. You've described more and more, and while there's still a long way to go, I congratulate you nonetheless! Baby steps. :) By the end of this piece, you should be a fantastic writer, if you continue on at this pace. And editing a little will make the entire piece incredible by the end.
When Ron talks... I find it to be OOC. Ron is not as smooth/coherent/eloquent as you write him. In fact, none of your characters talk quite as well as you have them talk. I know you told me this would be slightly OOC, but I think it would make your story a lot more readable and interesting if that didn't apply to every single one of your characters, which it currently does. Each character in JK Rowling's piece has their own unique voice, and it's important to not only the reader's perception of the character but also the story and its plot.
(Ron's reaction to Hermione's "non-date", however, is quite canon. Just the way he talks about it is not, I don't think.)
Why is Draco so comfortable and, once again, eloquent around Hermione? Don't you think he might be a little nervous? The same with Hermione. They've been enemies for years - since they first met, really. And yet, they immediately fall into communication as easily as if they've known each other and been friends with each other since childhood. And they dive right into the big stuff after clearing up that neither one of them are in a relationship. There's no build up here! I like build up - where is it!? Disappointing.
I think this is moving too fast. It may be a personal preference, but this is really fast-paced and OOC! You warned me, I know, but it's hard for me nonetheless. Now they're going on a real date? Where's the buildup, once again?
One final thing before I go - I like Hermione and Ginny's interaction. That seems very much like two friends would communicate. Although not those two specific girls, I get the friend thing anyway.Author's Response: Thank you again! I'm glad the introduction was better this time!
I have also been interested in Narcissa and am hoping to include her more in future chapters. I think she is definitely a character that needs to be explored more. Since she wasn't a Death Eater, I think it makes sense that she would be able to and want to get rid of that past life...it only caused her family problems.
I will definitely try to look at the transition words in future chapters. I guess that isn't something I noticed, but now that you mention it, I definitely see it. I will also work on descriptions!
I will also take another look at my characters and see if I can help make them more unique (or rather more canon) in their dialogue.
I think the formality and eloquence of Draco is partly his upbringing. I will also try to relax his character as the story progresses. I also think that he would be able to hide any nervousness that he would have since he has a lot of practice hiding his true self in the past (at least for my story). I think part of the reason they fall into easy communication is that they are both trying to put the past behind them and Hermione especially got to see a completely different side of Draco through his diary. Draco on the other hand is finally free to see Hermione as an equal and the diary entries were also used to show that he already had changing feelings toward her.
I know I didn't drag it out and if I redo the story, I will. I'm not sure I will ever redo it though. There will be some problems in the future regarding easy acceptance and they will examine the speed at which their relationship is progressing (at least I plan on it right now).
Hermione doesn't really have girl friends and I guess it is hard to write that relationship. I'm glad that it at least seemed like a good interaction between friends.
Thank you again for the detailed review. Report Review
I do like this, but I have problems with the dialogue sounding unrealistic. I know you didn't ask for critique so I won't get into that too much, but just for instance, saying "I will" instead of "I'll" makes it sound altogether too formal, and seems a bit like someone who hasn't been speaking english for very long.
It just doesn't seem all that comfortable, it was stiff and formal sounding, but honestly, that's a minor detail. The main part of any story, is of course, the plot and characters, and you've set them up beautifully. Someone would read this and want to know what happens next, so it's a perfect opening chapter. I like Draco's charcater, and I think you got McGonagol's perfect, too.
The level of detail is extraordinary. I like that everything is fully explained out.
evanlyn xAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review. Even though I didn't ask for critique, it is always welcome. It helps me become a better writer. I have so much past experience with formal writing for research papers that it's been hard for me to relax that. I am going to try to relax the formality as the characters relax. I guess I didn't see that in the first chapters and I can't just change the characters right away. I think it will have to be gradual, but I will try to fix it.
I really appreciate the positive comments regarding McGonagall and especially Draco. I want him to be different than he has been portrayed in JKR's books and I am glad you like him.
I really appreciate the time you took to review. Thank you again! Report Review
Alright, not gonna lie. When I first looked at this chapter, I got a little scared when I saw the length of this chapter. Long chapters are great - when a lot is going on. Based on the first chapter, I'm a little worried about this second one.
I was reading over a few of the other reviews you've got on the first chapter, and I agree with them - you need to describe more! You're an excellent writer - that's obvious from how well you set up the story. However, your description is lacking. You've got all of the actions and the dialogues and the characters, but no description of them and who they are. I was at a loss in my previous review as to how I could help you develop your own personal style, but now I get it - you need to master the art of description!
Now, on to the story -
Hermione's thoughts, the ones you put in ' ... ', really throw me off. Thoughts written like that are fine if you're writing in third person, but you've got them so frequently that you would be better off just writing in third person. Try to embed her thoughts every once in a while; of course, that might just be me who dislikes that, but I think it kind of messes with the story's flow. I feel like her thoughts all blur together and after a minute I'm just left staring at the screen like "what?"
The diary entries are really great, not gonna lie. You warned me that your characters are OOC, which is fine, and the diary entries are just that - out of canon. I'm not complaining, though, because this is your story and your Draco. You're creating him in your own way, and I'm glad you're at least doing so thoroughly if not in a unique and somewhat innaccurate manner. (That wasn't an insult!)
You have a very severe use of formality whenever Hermione talks - I know she's incredibly smart, but she's talking like she's a grammatician (or someone with a huge stick up her rear end) and it's not very Hermione-like, even as smart as she is.
Adorable moment -
"Lately portrait Fred has been hiding behind the frame and then popping into the middle trying to scare customers. George actually got a bit irritated by him yesterday and took him down for a while. Fred threatened to start loudly singing One Hundred Bottles of Butterbeer on the Wall if he didn’t put him back up."
I awh'd. That was really sweet and hilarious and CANON. It was amusing, and I loved it.
I feel like the scene with Draco and his mother was sweet but, at the same time, dry and lacking something. The description has improved in this part, but... not enough to keep me interested in what I'm reading, I suppose. I don't know. It's just very dull in some parts.
"Maybe there is a chance with Hermione after all."
Jumping into it rather quickly, aren't we, Draco?
All in all, I found this to be a very good chapter - improved from the one before this, although there's still a lot lacking in description and style. It didn't feel like it was as long as it was. I didn't feel the urge to skip paragraphs or anything. There's still some improvements that need to be made, but I feel like you could really clear up all of the boring moments with an edit or two.
Much improved, as I said. 7 out of 10. :)Author's Response: Thank you again for the detailed review.
First off to address the length and Hermione's responses to the diary entries...it is not how I originally wrote it. One day I got this story idea and started to write. When I got it far enough I wanted to post it and what better place than a site dedicated to Harry Potter fanfiction! That is when I read ToS fully. I had read it when I signed up for the site, but didn't pay much attention to posting guidelines. I was almost ready to submit when I came across this little section about how letters and diary entries could only be 1/3 of a chapter. AHH...it took me a long time to figure out how to fix that problem because my first two chapters were pretty much only letters and diary entries.
I had to rearrange about four chapters to make the story comply with ToS. I think that the part with Draco and Narcissa was actually like chapter four or five of my original idea. The parts where Hermione comments on Draco's diary entries weren't in there at all. I cut a few entries that I had which I felt weren't as necessary. I also made Hermione too formal and I agree that she does seem like a stick needs removing. Honestly, a lot of her word choices were because I needed the extra words outside the letters and entries. I will definitely try to relax her a bit as she becomes more relaxed in her own life. I think she is a really high-strung character, but I will take her down a peg or two in future chapters.
I love portrait Fred! I will try to make the other characters more canon in the future.
I know the relationship develops quickly. I think if I were to re-write the first few chapters, there would be more hesitency and it wouldn't move so fast, but I love romance so it got there quickly.
Thank you for the great review again! Thank you for pushing through the boring parts and reading the whole thing! I really will be taking your comments into account in future chapters (and maybe these if I ever decide to re-write them). Report Review
Hello! ilharrypotter (also known as Polkadot) from the forums with your requested reviews. :)
First off - your opening is... just there. It's not bad; it's actually a well-written paragraph, but it's just /there/. It doesn't pull me in. Then, immediately following this, you jump right into the plot without even a second to wave at the introduction. No setting up the plot, no creating a setting.
Your dialogue is very mundane. When your characters talk, they have simple, boring answers to everything. They're predictable. They're all the same when they talk, and we know that Harry, Ginny, and Hermione aren't all the same. I'm not saying that every word your character says must be important, unique, and meaningful, but... I found it difficult to keep pushing through this first chapter because of the dialogue.
However, I find this tale to be promising so far.
There's possibilities you're setting up, and that's a good thing. You aren't jumping straight into a relationship between Hermione and Draco, and you aren't focusing on Hermione's "newfound curves" and Draco's "chiseled muscles". Thank goodness.
You make no serious errors in your grammar or spelling, and I'm thankful for that. You have great syntax and great vocabulary. The story is very well written in that respect, and that's an honorable thing. Be proud.
I think what it all comes down to is that you're still searching for your own personal, unique style. That's something I can't really help with; you'll have to work on that on your own. It comes, however. Your style comes from the tone you use and the word choice you have in real life - like I generally write in a very sarcastic, intelligent tone because I like to think of myself as a sarcastic, intelligent person. For all I know, this style of yours could become a stronger thing in later chapters - I'll find out soon.
I also really enjoyed that you wrote letters between Draco and Hermione, but once again, I felt like they were too mundane. They said a lot of important things, but they said them all in very boring ways. It was too predictable. If you're going to feature the letters in the chapter and use up your reader's time to focus on them, they should have meaning.
Another thing I enjoyed. This quote:
"Um, huh. I see a daisy, which means new love. Hey that's good. Um, maybe I see a fountain, which means great happiness. And I think that might be a witch; that means a strange occurrence. Ha, that in itself is a strange occurrence, a witch got a witch."
This was one of the few moments that the dialogue actually caught my attention - for a moment, it wasn't boring me. That sounds really mean and I'm sorry, but I chuckled at that and found it a little easier to get through the next portion of this chapter.
Your long chapters, I don't think, aren't going to be a problem for me, but that could change in the future. It's incredible that you can write so much. But try not to squash too much into one chapter. I know it's hard to wait for things to be validated, but you don't want to bore someone if your chapters are too long and not much happens.
I feel like this was a mean review. I'm not trying to be mean, so I apologize profusely if my critique came off as such. I wasn't miserable in reading this story; I just sound like it sometimes while I grumble.
I look forward to watching this story progress and hopefully watching you progress as a writer as well. :)Author's Response: First, I am going to say that I really don't find this to be a mean review. I ask for CC and I really am happy to get it. I definitely agree with a lot of what you have said.
I am going to address some of the problems that I know you have had with my chapters in this response rather than in each one.
Description--I really am going to try to do better with description in future chapters. I realize now that I didn't paint the scene well and really do just jump into a lot of dialogue.
I am definitely still working on my style. I have to get myself past the formal writing and into a more relaxed style. I have never been one for creative writing because I never see myself as very creative. I have an over-active imagination, but I am still working on transferring it to the story. I think too many years of formal research papers take over when I write. I promise I will try to change it!!
I actually appreciate the comment about liking Harry's dialogue. It hasn't always been well received.
I know the chapters are long, and it really doesn't have to do with the queue as much as I hate reading short chapters! The second chapter is way too long and I will address that in the next response to you!
I honestly don't think that this is that mean of a review. When asking for reviews, I completely understand that things are going to be different than someone who chose to read the story on their own. I appreciate the time and effort that you put into each chapter's review. The criticism really does help as you do it in a way that is constructive. Thank you for this review! Report Review
Wow.what a great story! I am really enjoying it. Please update soon, I am so anxious to read more!Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I will try to update soon. I am glad you are enjoying it. Report Review
Gah! This is absolutely amazing! I looked around frantically for the button that takes you to the next chapter, but then realized there was none): I really enjoyed these chapters and can't wait for more!Author's Response: Thank you for the review! It made me laugh to read that you looked for the next chapter button...I have the same feeling when I get involved in a story! I will try to update soon! Report Review
awesome when do you hope to make another chapter?hurry up with thatAuthor's Response: Thank you again! I actually have the next chapter pretty much finished but it might be a week or so before I can finalize it...then there is always the queue! I hope you will continue to enjoy the story when it gets posted! Report Review
I really love how much you put in to this chapter. How they really are going to mend their past instead of hating each other. i love it!!! and also this chapter deserves , on a scale of one to ten , at least easily an 8.Author's Response: Thank you! I am so glad that you liked it. I will take an 8 any day! Report Review
hey there! great going! i love this fic! do update more soon!
ADAuthor's Response: Thank you again! I am glad that you are still enjoying it! Report Review
Your story is enthralling; so much so, that I'm greedy for the next chapter. Seriously though I appreciate the very long chapters you post. It's just like I've already mentioned; this story is brilliant! More as soon as pretty please.Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing again! I am so glad that you are liking the story. I am having fun writing it! I am also glad that you like the long chapters, some people don't, but there is just so much that I want to happen and I hate leaving things open so I just keep writing. The next chapter I have planned had been like 8000 plus words, but I think I fixed it so that it isn't that overwhelming for most people. I need to do a lot more editing before it gets posted, but it will probably be up in a week or so! Thank you again for the review! Report Review
Hey nice fan fiction! Make more! I want to see more of this and up to the end of their seventh year. I'm counting on you!Author's Response: Thank you! There is definitely more coming. I have no idea how long I will make it and when it will end, but we will see! Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
LOVED it!!! I can not wait for your next chapter. I loved the seer section of this story. It was really enlightening for me. You have a great story started.Author's Response: Thank you! The next chapter is in the queue so it should be up soon! I liked the seer part too and Samantha might play a part in the story later...we will have to see how things go. Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
In all honestly, I was a little taken aback by how quickly hers and Draco's relationship is moving but at the same time, I only want Hermione to be happy. It's taken me a moment or two, but I will accept their eagerness for the relationship. The only thing I felt uncomfortable reading in this chapter was the fact that, she was so ready to go to Malfoy Manor already. Though, I did enjoy their ball room dancing scene.
I don't think I ran into any grammatical or spelling errors in this chapter, so good job with that.
Interesting adding the Museum of Witchcraft and Wizardology. Did you come up with that yourself or is that a real place?
That's all for this chapter :)
Feel free to continue posting requests for later chapters as you write more!
--DobbysSockAuthor's Response: Thank you once again! I know the relationship developed quickly, but I think that once Hermione learned the truth about Draco, she was able to see him clearly. I think that they found a lot in common and were both ready to move forward together. Hermione analyzes everything from every angle so I think that once she made the decision to like him, it was well thought out.
I wanted her to be able to move past the bad memories of the manor and seeing it in person would be the only way to do that. I think that she wanted to go to more to please Draco because he was so excited about it rather than because she really wanted to go. I think I would try to portray that differently if I do a re-write.
The Museum is a real place. I was researching Shakespeare's Birthplace and discovered that it was only three buildings down and thought it would be a perfect place for them to go. From what I learned about it, it has been around since 1990 and there are a lot of similarities to the wizarding world that Rowling wrote and I am not sure if she got some ideas from here or if they took what she did and made the museum more like her world.
Thank you so much for reviewing all of my chapters so far. I will definitely request for future chapters! It means a lot that you took so much time to leave such great and detailed reviews. Report Review
Hello again :)
First off, wonderful job depicting Ron's attitude towards the whole Draco / Hermione situation. I really like the way she responded too. Seemed legit to me.
I have a suggestion for you though. You seem to switch between Hermione's POV and Draco's without any separation. Maybe, between POV's you could put some sort of symbol to show that you will be switching. Some people use things like * or ~ or a combination of both. I just suggest that because, even though you start the paragraph off with their names, it still throws the reader off for a moment.
That's all for this review!
--DobbysSockAuthor's Response: Thank you again! I will definitely do something different for separation in the future. I tried to add extra spaces by using a page break through the editing thing, but I guess that doesn't come through clearly. I will make it different in the future.
Again, Ron and Hermione scenes are fun to write and I am glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
First off, let me tell you that I enjoyed reading this chapter. I loved reading the insights from Draco, how he felt about everything he went through. You started Draco off as such a strong character, showing how he survived everything on his end. I also like how you had them redecorate the entire Manor.
Also, your wrote Hermione really well in this chapter. I especially liked the scene between her and Ron when he had interrupted her reading.
Other than one or two spelling errors, I couldn't think of anything else to mention on this chapter :)
--DobbysSockAuthor's Response: Thank you! I know that this chapter is so long and it has the potential to lose readers and make them really hate what I did with Draco. I hope that this chapter helped to show the great change that he went through.
I love the scene with Hermione and Ron too. Though I am not a huge Ron fan, he is fun to write!
I will have to look closer at the chapter and try to catch the spelling errors. I re-read so many times before I post that I think I might skip things sometimes.
Thank you for the positive review! Report Review
As I started reading, the first thing I noticed was that you lacked description. Just adding some sentences here and there describing the characters or the room would help a reader create an image in their heads.
Length wise, I think you've done a pretty good job. It's not to short, but it's not to long. Remember, sometimes really long chapters may deter readers or make them decide to skim through it instead of reading all of it.
You have a lot of dialogue, it being what your chapter is mostly comprised of. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, but again, if you just added some descriptions here and there, it would help the flow.
One thing I read really confused me. When Draco wrote to Hermione the first time, how did Ron get the letter? You never mentioned her setting it down or anything. Also, I thought it was a bit odd how he walked up yelling when he didn't even know what she was reading.
I like how you wrote Molly, it seemed to me like it would be just the type of advice she would give. Maybe you can add that she went to her for advice because she lacked a mother to go to. Also, add more doubt in Hermione's mind. She seemed very willing to just accept Draco, just like that.
Other than that I think you have a good starter chapter here. On to the next!
--DobbysSockAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I will definitely try to add some description for the scene in future chapters. I re-read the chapter and saw what you meant.
I think (but maybe not) that the letter you are referring to is actually from McGonagall and she was holding it. I didn't mean for him to be yelling, but rather getting her attention because her eyes were closed. I think that Ron would just grab it and read it without permission; he is rather clueless as to common courtesy.
If I ever do a re-write of this chapter, I will definitely add a comment about why she would go to Molly for advice. I would also add more doubt and she would not have been so accepting regarding Draco.
I appreciate the constructive criticism, it helps a lot! Thank you! Report Review
Amazing story so far! Really well researched. Can't wait to read more! Will definitely be adding this story to my favourites. Keep up the good work =)Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I know that everything cannot be canon, but I am trying to keep it as true as possible--thank you for noticing! I hope you continue to enjoy the story! Report Review
hey! I discovered your story some time ago AND I AM SO GLAD THAT I DID.
its awesome!! fantastic!! brilliant!! i am loving it!!
please do update soon!
ADAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I saw your thread in the forums and I was going to ask if you could review for me but this is so much better!
I am glad you are enjoying it and are loving it. I will update soon (hopefully)!
Thank you for your review. Report Review
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