This story was so different. I don't think I've ever seen any fics about Goyle Sr. And this was so well done! You wrote it perfectly, really! Excellent job!Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
Interesting one-shot, but from what I read, not your best though.
It's very well written, and the rythm is excellent, you create a sort of litany that overpower everything in the story, so sounds, descriptions are not missed. It's quite impressive.
You also manage to give life to a back character of the books, but yet, I'm not an absolute fan. First and foremost, because I do not think this is how the banality of evil starts. You present it as a sort of logical consequence of powerlessness, wich is interesting actually. It's one way to look at it...
But in this case, why isn't there any kind of power transfer? You have to be extremely strong to be apply violence without fury, and be as lucid as this character seems to be -which is great by the way.
In this case, Goyle seems more a completely detached wizard, and I don't see him using Crucio or even making any kind of limited choice.
Still a very good story though, but I had to point it out :)Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! Yes, this was my first one, so it's definitely not my best! I like to leave it up as a reminder of where I started though. :)
I'm glad you pointed it out. There's definitely a lot of different ways to look at evil, power, and the desire for power and I can hardly pretend to really know what I'm doing! It's one interpretation, but you definitely brought up a lot of valid points. I see Goyle as someone who became of Death Eater out of peer pressure, mostly, and fear as he was protecting all that he knew. There's definitely a few things missing in his characterization, so I thank you for the wonderful feedback - it really does help me grow as a writer. :)
I appreciate the review a lot, thank you! Report Review
This was your first attempt at fan fiction EVER?! I don't even believe you. I will shout about your work forevermore and never believe that you did not always write fan fiction, because I know that each time I make my way over here, I am going to be treated to a wonderful story. You have amazing talent as a writer, and this story certainly did not disappoint my expectations.
Your writing style is to die for, and I absolutely love it, the way it flows. It's incredible and I'm quite jealous of it, in all honesty, because it reads just beautifully. It's almost poetry -- there is a lyrical, singsong quality there that is stunning. And while we are talking stylistics, I LOVED that you never once mentioned who your one-shot was about, until the very end. That was just, well, a stroke of brilliance.
There were only a few incredibly minor things I found --
Instead he works hard, does what he is asks, and listens closely.
(I think you meant 'what he is asked'.)
But her bears no venom towards him.
(Again, I think it's 'he bears no venom'.)
Snapdragons, you truly have talent; your stories, the ones I've read, they are some of the best one-shots I've ever stumbled across. I really hope to keep seeing new stuff from you, because you deserve so much recognition for these stories. Never stop writing; you're a fantastic writer, and you can manipulate words to do anything you want them to.
Seriously amazing stuff. ♥ Marvelous job!Author's Response: It's really not okay that I took so long to answer this, but thank you so much, because you're really far too kind! This review has actually made my week. I've always been a little self-conscious of this piece, because it was my first and I was so scared to post it!
It is a little singsong-y with its repetition, which was sort of intentional. And I seem to have picked up a habit of not mentioning character names! :P heh. But in this one, I felt as though it was important, because I thought people would be more likely to have preconceived notions coming in knowing who the character was, and I wanted to be able to convince them that he wasn't all bad.
This does need some editing! One day I'll probably go through this and fix everything that needs to be fixed - there are a lot of stupid typos. :)
Thank you. ♥ It really means a lot to hear that, even though I'm definitely not worthy of such praise! Your review made me smile ♥ Report Review
This was your first fanfic? Seriously? Wow, well, you're definitely off to a brilliant start :) I really liked this. I thought your characterization of Goyle was unique and interesting. The whole time I was trying to figure out who you were talking about. I kind of thought it might be him, but he seemed too intelligent to be Goyle :P
I really liked the way you wrote this, going through the various ages and the things that he knew at each stage of his life. Although, when I read the "He knows at the age of ten that he will have to marry a respectable Pureblood woman" I first thought you meant that he would have to marry her at the age of ten. Probably just me, but I'd stick a "someday" or "one day" or something in there for clarification.
I liked the way Goyle talks about becoming a Death Eater. He does it because it's what's expected, not because he necessarily wants to join. However, at the end, he takes responsibility for his actions and his choices, which had a bit of nobility to it, despite the circumstances.
Really brilliant job :)Author's Response: First... sorry I didn't respond to this, school is eating up all my free time! :( But thank you so much for reviewing.
I really disliked the idea of having a dumb, completely stupid Goyle Sr. After all, kids don't always turn out like their parents. So I did try to give him a bit of intelligence here.
I probably should change that, huh? :P There are a lot of little things in here that really ought to be edited - hopefully I'll get to it one day :) And I saw joining the Death Eaters as something that was probably expected of a lot of Pureblood sons. It would be a good way to gain some recognition.
Thank you so much for the review! :) Report Review
Hey there hun, just dropping by to leave a review for the Blue/Bronze challenge :)
For your very first peice of fanfiction I think you did a very good job, and you did tackle an obscure character so kudos to you for trying your hand at something new and different! :)
There were a few minor spelling mistakes in this, but nothing too bad. The repetition of "At age ***..." however, as a constant start to each stage of his life, did become a little repetitive and -for lack of better word so early in the morning!- boring towards the end. I know what you were trying to do with the story in showing each stage of his life, but just because it was repeated quite often, it did become a little dull... :S
Congratulations though on getting third prize with the challenge, that's a fantastic effort considering it was your first attempt at fanfic, that's really wonderful hun :) I did enjoy this (dont think that my comment above meant I didn't!!! :() and I hope I get to read another of your stories very soon :) Keep up the good work hun! xxAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! :) I do love obscure and minor characters... they're terribly fun to have a shot at writing! I really ought to go back and edit this a bit more... haven't quite gotten around to it yet!
Thanks for letting me know that. It was a stylistic thing, but I know it definitely could reach that point. :) Thank you so much for your feedback... it's awesome and I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
I am shocked that this is your first fanfic. Where have you been my whole life? This was phenomenal for your first foray into the world of writing fanfiction.
It was fun, while I was reading, to try and figure out who the narrator was. I was glad that I guessed it right. You definitely feel sympathy for him, for being dragged into a war that I'm not even sure he really understood. He did what was expected of him, what he had to do to maintain his dignity and pride as a Pureblood. It was a nice touch, to have him tip his hat, so to speak, to Harry. To recognize the boy's greatness that he himself was lacking.
I'm usually a stickler for grammar and spelling but I didn't even notice anything wrong with yours! Maybe I was too engrossed in the innermost thoughts of Gregory Goyle to notice, but I just think it was edited very well so nice job.
I love how you incorporated that line "Do not let the son bear the sins of his father." I think it fits this story perfectly. I like how Goyle shows remorse for what he's done but he accepts his fate and only hopes that his son learns from his mistakes and lives a happy life.
I wish I could write you a better review but I'm still reeling from the shock that this was your first attempt at fanfiction. You're a natural, my dear! Please, continue to share with the world the beauty of your writing. It's excellent and deserves to be praised. Well done.
forsakenphoenix (Ravenclaw)Author's Response: Right here! -waves- Haha. I haven't been writing fanfic very long, so thank you! It's sort of a new endeavor for me.
I decided to withhold the name at the beginning so that people wouldn't be prejudiced, in a way, because I knew he probably wouldn't be very popular. And I thought it was only fair to have him recognize Harry - he wasn't an evil man, and it was the decent thing to do.
When I first got the assignment for this character, I felt a bit intimidated. But then I thought of that quote, and it was the metaphorical lightbulb :)
And thank you, that means a lot to me coming from you! Your reviews made my day. Thanks very much! ♥ Report Review
For your first piece this is very well put together! I wish my pieces where put together this well! I really liked the style of this piece with the quick transition through time. I love minor character too and I think you really captured Goyle Sr. I especially like that he owning up to his sins. I love it when I can read something that seems real and is filled with the unexpected. I think fan fiction is filled with great stories of characters who are very dominant and I love the opportunity to slow down and see everyone else and this story allowed that.
Bravo!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm very much a minor character fan, so I love being able to focus on people that we might not otherwise see. For me, it's part of the appeal of fanfic! :) Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot! Report Review
This is your first fanfic? First? Excuse me while I go and keel over from shock! This is way too amazing to be your first fanfic! I can't believe I haven't read your stuff before!
So needless to say, I loved this. It was a really unusual take on a Death Eater, and I say that because of the character. Nowhere, not in my wildest dreams, would I think about writing a story about Goyle. Not only did you do that, but you did it well. You made me really undersrtand a character that was only mentioned a couple times, and really get a feel for a rather different Death Eater. The way you wrote it was just perfect :D
I can't wait to go and read some more of your work!
-NaidatheRavenclaw, RavenclawAuthor's Response: Haha, thank you, Naida! :) -pulls you upright- I'm so glad you liked it. I'm a bit self-conscious of it... it's my baby! :P heh. But I'm glad enjoyed it, because I definitely enjoyed writing it. Thank you for the kind words! Report Review
For your first fanfiction ever, this is pretty epic. Well done! This is really well-written and touching. And a one-shot about Goyle? You don't really see many of those. You made us feel sympathy for him - he wasn't able to live his own life, and all his decisions were made for him.
Everything was characterised wonderfully - you gave a minor character really developed. I understood his emotions, his dreams and his history, which is a really important part of a story. You managed to fit a lot of development into the one-shot, so kudos for you.
Well done, a really good one-shot!Author's Response: Thank you! And I'm glad, as that was what I was trying for (: Thank you for the kind words, they mean a lot to me! Report Review
This is great for a first fanfiction! I love the whole moving through his life thing as everything progresses... and I really thought it was very beautiful and moving.
Really well written :)Author's Response: Thank you very much! ^-^ Report Review
Hola. The forums wouldn't let me log in, but Witnesstoitall for Ravenclaw team Bronze!
This was stunning. When I got to the bit in your Author's note about this being your first attempt at fanfiction, my chin literally hit the floor. If only my first attempt had been this eloquent. Really, eloquent is a good word to describe your writing style. This narrative was simple, and slightly dark as was appropriate. I was so proud that I guessed your character correctly!! :D My only question was Calum? Who was he?
Anyways... Great job!Author's Response: Thank you! :) I'm glad you liked it. And congrats on guessing correctly! haha ^-^
Callum was Crabbe's father. I gave him a first name because I didn't want him to just call him Crabbe... sorry if it wasn't very clear. I'll probably go edit this at some point and clear some things up!
Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
This is your first attempt at fanfiction? Are you serious? This is amazing!
Goodness, I love it. The writing style, the way the events fold out, the fact that I am constantly trying to figure out who you are writing about until the very end.
It does, indeed, make me feel sympathy for the devil. I honestly never thought much about the lives of Death Eaters before they were that. Or even that there was more going on in their lives afterwards. It's funny the things you don't think about until they're brought to your attention even though they're so obvious.
This was beautiful. Truly beautiful. I had chills many times and I really felt for the man.
Lovely lovely one shot!
DemAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your kind words! :) It means a lot to me. I'm so glad you liked it - I've always been one of those people who could never really stay in black or white. Stuff's always been grey for me, and so I felt as though there would be a lot of grey areas even for Death Eaters, if that makes sense.
Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
I love the style here, and the feelings it evokes. The narrator is looking back at his life without complaint or excuses, which only a resigned person can do.
You don't give the name until the end, and bravo for that. It is unimportant really, as only the story being told really matters.
For such short work, there is a lot of substance here. To me it evokes feelings of unapologetic remorse, a man who knows the wrong he has done but has no need for the forgiveness or condemnation of others. You captured that well and made it enjoyable for me.
Thanks.Author's Response: Thank you for the review! :) I'm glad you liked it. And yes, I felt as though Goyle's story itself was more important than knowing his name... if that makes sense. (: The name Goyle automatically provides a negative connotation for a lot of people, so I was hoping to combat that! :) Report Review
This is really good.
I love how you have given Goyle a voice of his own when he is usually defined by someone else. There is a maturity in him that the books do not convey. He seemed like another sidekick in the book, just like his son, where here he seems completly aware of the path life took him on.
I really enjoyed the fact that he showed apathy and indifferance to his life. Most fics like this show the bad characters as either hating their life but doing it because it was expected or else they completly believe in the way they live. Goyle seemed to know that what he was doing might not be that great but it was what was expected, and he didn't mind doing it.
I loved the ending as well. How all he could think of in his final free moments was the welfare of his son, how Harry had given him a better chance at life.
Good Job! 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I'm so glad you liked it. I really didn't want to portray hi mas just another sidekick - I didn't think that was fair to him. I'm glad it seems as though he had some depth. :P Thanks for much for the kind words! :) Report Review
Well done on a very awesome fic. I really did feel sympathy for Goyle by the end. The whole way the story was put together showed how resigned he had always been to the life a pure blood. He never wanted to disappoint of bring shame onto his family. They way you wrote the story showing his age and when he knew how life was going to be was very effective. The narrative was also put across in such a way that it created a really sombre atmosphere.
The story flowed very nicely and grammatically I didn't notice any problems. You characterised Goyle very well and all his emotions came across. Even at the end, he was resigned to his fate, as he had been resigned to his life.
Well done again. I really enjoyed reading this.Author's Response: Thank you so much I'm so glad you enjoyed it, I had a great time writing it. (: Goyle was a fascinating person and I loved getting in his head. Thank you for the review! ^-^ Report Review
Hi! BrightStar here with your review!
A very well written piece, I'm glad you requested and gave me a chance to read it. Short, precise, well thought out, and very likeable!
Coherence: Spelling and grammar all in order, well done. You asked about flow, no problems there. It all fit in very nicely, nothing out of place. At first I thought it was repetitive, but I don't think that at all now, excellent progression, very suitable style. Quite detached actually, which in another way made me more sympathetic!
Characterization: To be honest, I wasn't sure if there was a flesh and blood character there, but it turned out to be very effective. It was like he was so resigned, he was just a follower and nothing else.
Context: This is always really important for me, even in the fluffy stuff I mostly read and write. You didn't just use Voldemort's rising, you realy got into pureblood societry which was very impressive.
Credibility: This brings me on to my next point. very, very believable. It was like you were saying "this is the way things are", very realistic, not too forced or over dramaticised!
Well done, I'm very impressed with this, especially since it's your first! I hope you write more, and if you do I would honestly love to read it :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I really appreciate it. :)
I'm glad you ended up liking the repetitiveness - I was a bit nervous, because I didn't want to overdo it, but at the same time I wanted it to be present throughout the whole piece. Goyle's definitely just a follower - he's definitely given up a lot, and I actually would love to get to write more about him. :P
Pureblood society I feel had a lot to do with the Death Eaters, because I could see there being pressure to join, especially with the Slytherin families. I'm so glad you found it believable - that was what I was going for! :) Thanks so much for your feedback and your kind words... I really really appreciate it! :D Report Review
Wow. First fanfic ever? I'm so jealous! :P I can honestly tell you this is so brilliant and I really enjoyed reading it! I also think it is refreshingly original, and I loved that it was about Goyle Sr (AND that you left it till the end until you told us so I was intrigued throughout the whole story).
Great writing! The mystery of WHO the character is, and how you kept giving us little hints throughout the whole story really made me curious, but I'm glad you told us who it was in the end! Goyle Sr! He fits in so perfectly with everything that you've already written, and his mind is interesting because it's not the typical Death Eater mind.
I love the whole idea of the story, and I loved the ending. Just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading this! Lovely writing! :)Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it and liked the ending ... I had so much fun writing Goyle Sr. because we really know next to nothing about him, so I enjoyed creating his story. Thanks so much for reviewing and for your kind words! :) Report Review
Wow...this was a really entertaining read. First of all, guessing the whole time which Death Eater you were writing about was fun... Second, you accomplish what you set out to do...I felt sorry for Goyle by the end of the story. You've got a lot of talent, I'm looking forward to reading your other work now!Author's Response: Thank you! :) I'm really glad you liked it and that it worked as it was intended to.Thank you for the kind words! (and hello to my fellow Claw! :D) Report Review
Good story and a different sort of technique for the narration. I liked the choice for this story and it definitely allowed me to feel some sympathy for Goyle Sr.
Your choice of grammar and punctuation was very stylistic. For the most part, I think you did a good job in breaking the rules to achieve the effect you want. However, there were places where I don't think it helped to break the rules, and quite to the contrary, it made the flow a bit too choppy.
One such example was the occasional use of the "and...and...and" syntax that you employed. While there is a time where that gives a particular feel, it didn't work for me in the places you used it. I think if you went back and used standard syntax and then compared you would find it would sound a little better.
You flouted convention quite a bit. From the flow of the story I think you did it intentionally, not in error, and for the most part it worked. But perhaps you did it a little over much, or it's just that at some points it was awkward. It's really a matter of style and judgement. You could rework it a bit and make it a lot smoother, but I think which parts really has to come from you.
One more thing I think could have been better, based on the title and premise of the story, was that I would have liked to have seen Goyle Sr. try and keep his son out of the bad stuff a bit more. I think that would have made the story a bit more poignant.
However, like I said at the start, this was all in all a good story. It was different and showed writing talent.Author's Response: Thank you for your review and feedback! :)
The style was something new that I was trying out; I'm glad that it worked for the most part. There are definitely some things I'd like to clear up - yeah, I probably did overuse the syntax in places. ^-^; I'll try to look that over and see if I can smooth it out and help it flow better.
I definitely did sort of throw a lot of rules to the wind with this. *cough* Again, I'll try and work on that... it was an experiment and there's definitely room for improvement. Also, working on the relationship between the father and the son is something I could definitely do. I had a little trouble initially because I've never been Goyle Jr.'s biggest fan during Hogwarts, but I can overcome that hopefully! :)
Thank you so so much for your wonderful review - I'll keep everything you said in mind and try to improve it! I really appreciate it. :) Report Review
hey darling! thank you so much for entering the challenge and for capturing the spirit of what i was looking for!
this was a fabulous piece and you did a wonderful job with a character we know next to nothing about. you gave Goyle character - a history, emotion, dreams and goals and through all that, this dull sort of acceptance of his lot in life. what really clinched this for me was the last four paragraphs, where he talks about harry. there was a real fable-like quality to those lines and i love that moment of insight, where he sees hope for the future when he is at the end.
i also loved that he cared for his son. so often in fics about death eaters or pure bloods we see this detachment from family, or more so, from the emotion that comes with having a family. you didn't shy away from that - you made Goyle human, a father, a person and you did it wonderfully.
this was filled with regret - very well done because i think it is an emotion hard to capture without shoving it down peoples throats. you did it subtly, and i loved that!
thank you once again for taking part!!
Kate xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! :) I had so much fun writing this - unlike anything I've ever tried before. Having a character that was unknown was a little daunting, but I loved being able to create his story! I always thought that all Death Eaters couldn't be completely horrible people - I expected some were actually really nice fathers who genuinely felt some love. I'm really glad you liked it and thanks for the opportunity to participate! :) Report Review
So, I know the challenge this is was for, and I must say it's an excellent entry. I do feel sympathy for Gregory Goyle Sr., and how his life was never in his hands, and the one time it was, his hand was being forced a certain way. (Sorry for a bad analogy!)
I think that you tried to reflect what little we knew of Goyle Jr. into his father. I mean, we know he follows whatever Draco Malfoy says, and his father had the same actions with Lucius Malfoy. It had a really good effect to realize such things.
I'm not sure if the timeline for all the ages is correct, but I'm going to assume it is :) It emphasised the progression of his life and how his fate was doomed to be this every step of the way and how he never chose differently every step of the way.
It struck me as weird that you mentioned Gregory, Eleanora, Callum, and Narcissa all graduating at the same time, but did not include Lucius in that statement. I'm just going to guess that Lucius was older than them though...
The love that grew eventually between Gregory and Eleanora, while never really described, was a sweet touch that made his fate all the more sadder.
Gregory's hope for his son was touching. It really was the cherry on top to making his character someone the reader can understand.
p.s. Good luck with the challenge!Author's Response: Thanks! :) I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always the best at math. ^-^; But yes, I had Lucius being a year older... I wasn't the clearest on that. Thank you for the kind words and feedback! Report Review
very well done. kept me guessing at which family it was, i had a feeling it was Goyle Sr. but wasn't 100% sure.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :) I was hoping that people would have a slight idea, but that it wouldn't be completely clear until the very end. ^-^ Report Review
I really, really enjoyed this. Mostly because you really did make me feel a lot of sympathy towards Goyle. I hope this wins the challenge as you have done an amazing job! :)
xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! :) So glad to hear that you liked it! Report Review
This one was really very nice, you've expressed your ideas really well...
Keep writing... :)Author's Response: Thank you very much for your kind words! :) Report Review
A great one shot. I don't usually review one shots because they are never updated, but I was drawn to yours. I never thought I would have respect for a death eater, but Goyle Sr got it from me. He had his life choosen for him from birth and never had a choice. But he tried to give his son a choice. A great choice and very well written. 10/10 and are you planning a novel at any point? Please feel free to read my stories.Author's Response: Thank you! :) I'm glad you gave it a chance. ^-^ I tried to show Goyle as a human too, especially because his son isn't very popular. I'm glad you liked it! I do have a plan for a novel that I'm currently working on. And I'll make sure to take a look! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection