You've written Neville so well, he's so sweet and just like Neville in the books. He is terrified of Snape isn't he? I wonder how Snape found out about the lesson? maybe it was one of the Slytherins, but why does Snape have to be so mean about it?
I feel sorry for Neville with his low self esteem, I really want to hug him. You've written this brilliantly and I really enjoyed the idea for this story.
alicia and anne
SlytherinAuthor's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
I haven't read any Neville POVs yet. So you are another first of mine. Go Lupin to the rescue!!!
-MPRAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! Neville is an amazing character, so it was fun to write :D Report Review
Awwh, I really, really liked this story. Never read about the aftermath of the Boggart Incident, so it's already a story with a great idea and a great plot. But what I really liked about this was Neville.
You really captured his main essence, his thoughts seemed to be in character, and you made me feel really sympathetic towards him.
Nicely written and an interesting story :)Author's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
Hello my dear!
First of all, thank you for entering my challenge!
Secondly,here comes the official review! I had a great time reading your story; I thought you really captured Neville's persona and his way of thinking. He did see himself like a pretty useless boy and that year was particularily hard on his self-esteem.
I really liked his perceptions of the world around him too; how he thinks people only pity him and laugh at him, that is realistic.
What I really loved about your story though, is the part with Professor Lupin. We know in the books how Lupin's presence and his guidance helped Harry. But only because Harry was willing to listen. In your story, the same good man doesn't have any impact on the boy because Neville isn't open to see the goodness behind the act; he only sees the judgment and pity. I loved it.
There were a few mistakes through your story and the main problem that broke the flow of your story was ponctuation. Mainly during dialogue sequences. I would suggest you check your story over for it, in order to improve it, but it's up to you and the story in itself is good enough to keep the reader's attention none the less.
In the Author's note at the top, you write it is your first Neville story; 'Neville' should be capitalized
This is an example of pretty much every part of dialogue you have in this story. The ponctuation needs to be changed; instead of : " " ... don't want you getting hurt." The stern woman...";it should be a coma before the endind quotation marks and therefore not capitalize the following word (like this : "... hurt," the stern...")
"I was none of that, I never will be."; the tense isn't right, it should be 'I was none of that, I never 'would' be'
Other than that, I didn't spot anything else, doesn't mean there aint no other problem simply, they did not take my attention away from your story. It was a good little story, extremly realistic and close to canon. Great job!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hello!
Thanks for putting up your challenge! :D I really enjoyed writing it.
My punctuation is known for being notorious and the second I get a spare minute I shall edit those mistakes you have pointed out!
Thank you for the review, I really loved writing it and I'm glad you liked the general story! :)
-Hannah Report Review
This was actually really good! I thought you captured Neville's character really well. It was a good reaction to the DADA lesson and I can definitely imagine this happening. Excellent writing style too.Author's Response: Thank you! I love Neville and I am hoping to eventually write a Novella about him! :D Report Review
Awww poor Neville!! I feel so sad that he feels that way. I am glad that near the end of the series he finally got the confidence and the recognition that he deserved. The way you wrote Neville was really good, his characterisation was believable. I thought snape was so MEAN!!! I am sure that many of the other students had him as their boggarts =p. Was soo glad that Lupin was there to save the day:-). Great one shot, I just wanted to give Neville a cuddle lol.
Silverstarletworld89Author's Response: Thank you! I love Neville too! Report Review
Poor Neville. This story has some grammatical errors like mentioned in the author's note but I really like the overall feel of it. The way he can't focus on what people are saying and what class he is supposed to go to is so endearing. You just feel as embarrassed as he feels. Once again, poor Neville.Author's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
I just want to begin by saying that for your first Neville story he's very well characterized! It can be difficult to get a handle on his character--you wonder lots of times throughout the series how he managed to be sorted into Gryffindor, since he seems so meek and unable to stand up for himself. I liked that McGonagall in your story was sweet to him in her own way (it strikes me as unusual that she would take the time to say "I don't want you getting hurt" out loud to just anyone--shows me she really does care about him), I like that Lupin came to his rescue--the scene with Lupin choosing Neville for the lesson in the book often makes me a little teary because I'm so fond of Neville and I think it's touching when teachers take faith in him and extend him kindness. Which makes it difficult to not hate Snape a little bit for giving Neville a hard time for being afraid of him! But in your story these things all work together and create something that is, overall, a charming little read.
I like the way that Neville puts things in your story. Especially "but by the small grin on her face I had decided whatever she wanted do to Snape would not be very nice for him." That seems so like Neville, to care about Snape even though Snape is horrible to him. I like the way that it's put, too, I can really imagine this as something 13-year-old Neville would think! Some things did border on a little too simple, but it didn't interrupt the flow too much that I couldn't appreciate the things that were well-done.
I love the end, too, you've captured Neville's tenacious optimism. Even though throughout the story Neville becomes a little dejected about himself (no, Neville, I love you!), he is ultimately able to see above the circumstances and make the most of it.
Overall, well-done and it was a lovely read :)
- lilyAuthor's Response: I swear whenever I get a good review from you i do a crazy little happy-dance!! Thank you so much. I was really trying hard with the characterisation and I can see how I could've made him a little too simple at times. But anyway! THANK YOU!!! :)
Hannah x Report Review
Hi there! This definitely wasn't bad for a first Neville story! He's hard to grasp, especially right around the time you chose when he was still more pathetic than anything else. Poor kid. You really got in all his fears here: Snape, forgetting the password, letting down teachers, Harry being so much better...
I know you said you're getting a beta, but I would like to point out your most consistent mistake: punctuation. You rarely put punctuation after a character said something, and I wanted to point out that you always, always need something there. Comma, period, exclamation point, question mark... Anything you can think of, but always something. ;)
My favorite part of the entire chapter may have been when Lupin appeared at his office as if by a shortcut. Such a perfect, subtle little bit there! Those are the things that really make a story, and you nailed that one. Just slipped it in nonchalantly. Bravo!
Overall, nice job. It was sweet, and you got plenty of that awkwardness only Neville fully achieves.Author's Response: Thank you! This review made my day, that's why I didn't reply straight away because I like to re-read it when I am feeling bad :)
I know about my punctuation, it's my downfall as a writer. Actually that bit of advice has helped me, I now do remember to put punctuation after speech :D
Thank you!:) Report Review
Really good writing!
I loved how real you made Neville seem.
You stayed true to the character.
-CandaceAuthor's Response: Thank you! :) Report Review
Bahaha! Oh, poor Neville - I wanted to give him a big hug throughout this entire thing and tell him all the cool stuff he's going to do in the future. :D This was actually rather adorable! I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, but it's definitely how I feel, so - YAY YOU!
My favorite bit:
I am a chubby useless blob who canít do magic.
I know it's kind of sad, but it made me laugh really hard. POOR NEVILLE! Oh, I just love how you've written him here. This is a really, really good one-shot, Hannah, and I really hope you do well in your challenge!Author's Response: Thank you so much!
I am so happy I got sympathy and hugs for neville! I am so glad you liked it!
Thank you and good luck on your challenge, I think yours was for a challenge as well!
Hannah x Report Review
Oh, I just want to give Neville a great, big hug!
You don't have anythig to worry about, Hannah. This was written beautifully. I like your idea of using the Boggart lesson as a starting point for your story. This is sort of like a missing moments piece. :)
I think you really captured Neville's character and personality. He was a little more scared and forgetful than I would have thought, but it worked great! :D
The best characterisation was where Snape was someone who was more terrifying through Neville's eyes than in real life. He was exaggerated and that is the best part of this story!
Well done, Hannah. Good luck with the challenge :)
-Sophia xxAuthor's Response: Thank you!!
You were so nice! I wanted to hug you, stuff Neville :)
I'm going to pretend with the Snape bit that was what I was going for :P So I have an excuse if need be ;)
Thank you..and it's two challenges :S
Hannah x Report Review
Hiya! I really enjoyed this, it was very realistic. Poor neville, I never even thought aout him when reading the books, unless he was in a scene, though i claim to love him. this is such a good portrait of neville, and you didnt make it fluffy or unlikely - this could well be what JKR imagined! neville was excellently done, it was really him at 13, not the legend he became during DH. loved when he was lokking at harry, i was hoping harry would come over and be nice to him, though i know the piece wouldnt have worked quite so well. anyhoo, great job, great fic! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Report Review
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