Reading Reviews for Fireflies
  
27 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Pen2Paper Prologue: The Origin of It All and Chapter One: If Only

14th September 2011:
Hey Badger,

This is Pen2Paper from the forums :) Lightyears since you requested in my thread I'm here with your review at last. I'm so extremely sorry for the delay, you might not even remember asking for a review :/

There are some points I'd like to bring to your attention. So I'll first give a run through commentary. So here goes...

[She toddled after her mother, brilliant blue eyes wide as her mother picked her up and continued her brisk walk.] This is a run on sentence, it would read much better if you insert a break in between.

Eg. She toddled after her mother. Her brilliant blue eyes wide as her mother picked her up and continued her brisk walk.

[His twinkling blue eyes, which were "uncommonly" serious] I personally think that "peculiarly" fits the meaning you're trying to convey much better.


Apart from these small things your prologue seems great. But it lacks that element that makes people go "Oh my God I need to read more!" you know what I mean?
Explain a little bit. Why was she anticipating the daughter's signs of magic? Why was she scared of them? Why is the memory?

You don't need to give away too much of the story I would say just enough to keep the people interested would definitely bump your story up. :) So far so good :)

Chapter One:

This was strikingly brilliant. I mean it. This chapter right here is gorgeous reading material and I love everything about it.
That said just one tiny suggession, put 1968 in bold at the top with a little space above and below to let it stand on its own and then on just give the character's name just before the POV. Some people don't like to have the POV established with a heading but personally I'm fine with it.

Your writing style is beautiful, it flows smoothly, slowing during the subtle romance between Remus' parents then picking up pace when Remus gets attacked and the two children are lost to the darkness. Your writing rich and alive with description and detail and emotion that we as readers are so easily placed inside the scene and we quickly become part of it.

I love the detailed description you paint with your words. They add so much depth for instance the rain water mixing with Remus' blood staining the tiles. This is something I'll never forget. And this, a feeling, a memory that stays long after the words are done is a read we all search for.

I love how you've portrayed the characters and I can find no fault in it :) You must continue with this story and bring the same magic -no pun indended :) - to the rest of the story and if not... more. :)

10/10 for a spectacular effort and a brilliant portrayal of a vital scene.
Well done. I look forward for more.
~Pen2Paper

Author's Response: Oh my god. I can't even... Thank you so much. That is one of the best reviews I've ever read. You still pointed out the aspects that I need to work on while...saying overly beautiful things about it.

Holy cow. (Excuse me while I freak out for a while.) Thank you.


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Review #2, by Josie Chapter Six: Stopping Time

12th August 2011:
Wow, this is really good. I deal with all of the bad fanfiction to get to the good stuff like this. I usually dont go for fanfiction that starts in childhood because i think it's a big waste of time in most cases, but you develop the story and characters so well. No complaints at all. The imagery is fantastic as well. Do update soon, yeah?

Author's Response: Oh wow thank you so much! That seriously made my day. I'm updating as soon as I can. :)

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Review #3, by RedVinesOMG Chapter Six: Stopping Time

23rd July 2011:
You killed her? You killed her, and now I am sad. Well, I don't know if you REALLY killed her. Heck, it might just be a weird plot twist that you are going to be like next chapter 'haha, fooled you, she isn't dead. her parents are, but no, Ellie got away.' and then I will be like 'OHMAIGOSH, i am a future seer.' Yeah, but, :(

Author's Response: It'll all be okay! I'll update as soon as I can (and thank you muchos for the review). :)

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Review #4, by RedVinesOMG Prologue: The Origin of It All and Chapter One: If Only

23rd July 2011:
I love the name SleazyForWeasley's, just saying, and this story is magnificent. MAGNIFICENT.

Author's Response: Aw. *squirms* Thank you!

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Review #5, by naflower05 Chapter Six: Stopping Time

19th June 2011:
. . . what?!?!?! I don't think I can comprehend this. Like... no! This can't be real, she can't actually be dead. Update again soon because I'm still in denial!

Author's Response: Oh god, I haven't been on here in forever! Thanks for the review and don't freak out too much. ;) I shall update as soon as I can. :)

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Review #6, by orderofthephoenix Chapter Four: The Old Getterly House

20th April 2011:
I had no idea he was only 10 years old at the time in the first part. Dates don't mean that much to me :P But Remus sounded older. I really felt bad for him when I read his age. And for him to explain to someone what he goes through must have taken a lot of courage.

Oh my! You wrote those scenes leading up to the old house and while they were it the house really well. I was a little creeped out!

There was only one thing that stood out to me which was that you mixed up the girl's name a lot. Sometimes it was Ella, Elle, or Ellie. It was a bit confusing.

Brilliant writing, honestly. :)

-Sophia x

Author's Response: Yeah, I wanted to breeze through their childhood, so I guess they seem a little older than they really are. :) I may try to change that up later, but I dunno.

Basically Ellie has a lot of nicknames (which kind of comes up later). I should probably just stick with one though, huh? =P

Thank you very much for the fantastic review!


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Review #7, by panchami Chapter Six: Stopping Time

17th April 2011:
why did ellie have to die?

Author's Response: I promise, it'll all work out in the end. :)

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Review #8, by VioletBlade Chapter Two: The Wolf

15th April 2011:
Hey there Badger! I'm so so sorry it took me forever to do this for you, but I'm here for your requested review!

So I think you handled the reaction to what happened nicely. I'm sort of glad that you had his parents adjust as well as they could to what happened to him. I feel like the story could have split either way here, with his parents shutting him out and refusing to deal with his sickness at all, or they could have adapted. I'm rather glad they adapted because the alternative is really just too depressing to think about. =/

One question though-- why do you keep putting the dates next to every new scene? As far as we know, we can assume it's the same year.

Another thing I wanted to comment on was that I loved that you put the wolf bit in there. It was very interesting!

Anyway, another good chapter and I don't really care that it was, as you say, probably cheesy and cliched. I honestly didn't think it was, if that helps at all! :) 9/10!

~VioletBlade

Author's Response: Thanks much for the review! As for the dates, I'm planning on eventually making this a time-travel type of story (hence the cliche bit that's going to come around :P ) and it's just something that I did before each change of scene/POV. But I suppose you're right; it's not really necessary. Thanks again!

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Review #9, by GracieBagel Prologue: The Origin of It All and Chapter One: If Only

15th April 2011:
HII :) ok well I needed to reply to your reply of my first review cause i got some more questions heh, hope you dont mind. I DO have an account on the harrypotterpodcast im called GracieBagel on there. I can't find anybody called Badger on the members though :( !! Am in the right place lol? Cause that GIMP you mentioned sounds fab, i had a look on google but im a bit unsure - there's a lotta options for the downloads aint ther? gah. AND i share my laptop so i really gotta be careful about getting viruses and whatnot. Is it safe? :S
Thanks so much for your help so far!!
Cnt tell ya how much I appreciate it!!! Do you make your own banners? Cause im a member of TDA too, so I can always message you on there? easier than doing it through reviews haha.
cheers again!
-gracie xxx

Author's Response: I'm actually not a member on harrypotterpodcast, just the HPFF forums (which you should be able to get to from the front page of this site). GIMP is totally safe, from what I've heard; I've never had any issues with it. I do make my own banners, but I'm unfortunately not on TDA.

I don't think I'm allowed to put links on here, so I'm afraid I can't help you more unless you can find me on the forums. :/ But even if you can't find me, someone at TDA will definitely be able to help you with GIMP.


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Review #10, by LovelyMioneWeasley Chapter Six: Stopping Time

12th April 2011:
Hi there,

Wowza, that was quite a chapter and quite a few revelations. I can't believe the plot twist you've taken with this. You have definitely taken some original liberties with this which I think are working in your favor.

First off, you make it very believable by switching between Lyra and Remus' perspective and you allow to get the insight of characters beyond what the reader could assume on their own.

This is a powerful method that works very well because it adds depth and dimension to your characters. Now, your length, I think tends to be good as well because its enough to entice the writer but not too much to overwhelm them.

You do a good job setting up a setting with the woods, the streams, and other natural elements and you do an amazing job building up them supposed to go off to Hogwarts. I think your flow works best in this chapter because it is so emotional and gripping.

Your plot is really hooking the reader because I want to know what happens next to Remus and where Ellie is. Good job on doing all that. Be forewarned to not do too many cliff hangers though because that deters some readers from coming back to read more.

Overall, I was impressed by your writing please feel free to request on my page again.

LMW

Author's Response: Thank you so much!! I was really concerned about this chapter and I wasn't sure how I felt about it, so thank you a million times over for the review. :)

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Review #11, by LovelyMioneWeasley Chapter Five: Fireflies

12th April 2011:
I was so sick of this: sitting inside all night, simply because he might get lose.-- Loose

Also, you need to make sure you capatlize things like Headmaster and Muggleborn. Just general things like that need to be addressed. I saw that you were able to add a sixth chapter so I decided to review the last two chapters. Also, I found the typo so I thought it was worth pointing out to you.

Overall, though, I find this chapter be amazing. I think that you did an amazing job building up to it and making Ella and Remus' relationship totally believable. I think that Ella is a loveable but mischevious girl and Remus was believable as an eight year old and ten year old.

I'm curious to know what kind of exotic "creature" or special abilities that Elisabeth has. You have to be careful with that detail though because it can get cliche especially since she is an OC and is closely associated with a canon character.

I think that the prologue was amazing; the switching was confusing at first but with simple rereading, it was easy to figure out what was going on and whose parent was whose. Your flow is fairly good for the most part; sometimes, it seems like you want to jump into a new part too quickly. I'd watch for that.

On to the last chapter,
LMW

Author's Response: Thank you for noticing the typo. :) And yeah - I know my story might get a little cliched which I'm kind of worried about. I still don't know whether I want to keep my story totally canon or switch it around. :/

Thanks for the lovely review though and for pointing out my mistakes!


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Review #12, by GracieBagel Chapter Six: Stopping Time

12th April 2011:
woah this is impressive :) are you a fan of skins by the way? seeing as you have Richard and Grace? ^^ No seriously, you have a talent. I love the way you capture Remus's emotion. It's interesting to read cause i've never read a fan fic from Remus this early on in his life so yah. I love it! :D
Just wondering, (i'm guessing you make the banners youself) your banner is incredible. im dying to make my own and cause I dont have any fancy software i've kinda made mine on sony vegas. But how on earth do you scale it down or whatever to make it fit the measurements for this? Cause I cannot tell you how many times my banners have been taken down cause it's not the right size blagh :(!!
Thanks.
Hope you can get back to me :)
great story, keep it up! Can't wait to hear more!

Author's Response: I watched part of the first season a long time ago...but I don't remember any of their names. =P And thank you so much!

And with banners, well I don't know much about Sony Vegas. :/ I used GIMP for a few years (it's brilliant and free) and am now using Photoshop. Just make sure that when you make a new document, you either start it off as a 700x110, or scale it down to that size later. If you go ask the people over at The Dark Arts, they'll be more than happy to help you. :) And if you have an account over at the HPFF forums, you're welcome to PM me (I have the same username) and I'd be delighted to help!

Good luck and thank you so much for the lovely review. :D


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Review #13, by kirstenalanna Prologue: The Origin of It All and Chapter One: If Only

10th April 2011:
kirstenalanna here :)

I like it, the concept and whatnot. I don't think i've read a strory like it before.

Characterization:
Characterizationis good for the first chapter. Some are a bit shallow though. More desciptions and less telling would fix that though :)

Plot:
I'm not sure where you'll take this with the plot, as you didn't have much of a story summary. I'd suggest you work on the summary. It's fine to have a tagline (involve with banner), but without a summary most people will skip over it.

Flow:
Prologue and chapter one needs to be separated. If the prologue wasn't long enough- add more description to fit the word count. Putting the prologue and chapter one together gets rid of a lot of foreshadowing and anticipation. It also messes with the flow. Switching POV as well is a bit questionable. From what I could tell, you didn't chagne much, just the names. Not necessary in my opinion.

hope I helped!

kirstenalanna

Author's Response: Thanks a lot! I'll be sure to put that stuff into consideration. :)

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Review #14, by Xylis Chapter Five: Fireflies

10th April 2011:
Oh no! What's going to happen to Ellie? :,(

Wonderful cliffhanger there.. I can't wait to know what happens next! The chase was thrilling, and Ellie was as innocent and special as ever. Poor Remus. :( I hope for his sake that Ellie is okay.. but we'll see as soon as the next chapter comes!

I'm sorry this review is so short. But once again, a wonderful addition to a great great story so far. You keep getting better!

Author's Response: And my day was officially made. Seriously. Thank you so much. You cannot imagine my surprise when I got on and realised I had FIVE new reviews. I freaked out.

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Review #15, by Xylis Chapter Four: The Old Getterly House

10th April 2011:
I always knew that Ellie was special! (: Well, not really, her special powers are a nice surprise. I can't wait to see how this develops in the plot, especially together with Lupin's lycanthropy.

Everything here was wonderfully written. The depiction of the house, the old men, the interaction and dialogue between Remus and Ellie... I could see it all unfolding before my eyes.

The first segment of the story was especially moving for me. You've made your characters so life-like and believable that I can't wait to see what happens to them. I just can't stop reading. ((: You're one heck of a writer.

Author's Response: You are making my entire day. Reading your reviews... Oh man. I adore you. Never mind sleep; I'm too pumped to sleep haha. XD

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Review #16, by Xylis Chapter Three: The Letter

10th April 2011:
I can't imagine why this wouldn't have reviews.. my only guess is that the more popular stories are the ones about the golden quartet. But regardless of that, this isn't a benchmark of how awesome your story is.. I think it's one of the best stories that I've read on this site thus far. (:

I adore Ellie.. Remus and her are so cute together! I feel a little bit frightened though, that Remus may lose her somehow.

You are so wonderful at character development. Remus Lupin has always been one of my favourite characters in the HP series. Your depiction of him as a child is spot-on, at least, for me. Even your letter from Dumbledore is really Dumbledore in essence. I love your attention to detail as well.

Another wonderful chapter. ((: Thank you for this!

Author's Response: "I feel a little bit frightened though, that Remus may lose her somehow." Your sense of seeing into the future is mind-boggling. =P

I adore Remus as well! He's definitely one of my favourites too. And THANK YOU again! Gah. I'm freakin' out over here.


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Review #17, by Xylis Chapter Two: The Wolf

10th April 2011:
This is so beautiful and really heart breaking. I could imagine the story unfolding before my eyes and the part where Remus tells his mother that he understood why the wolf had to be restrained really moved me. I can't imagine that even J.K Rowling herself could portray the life of young Remus better than this.. but that's not important. Your style and your ideas are definitely yours. You own this. ((:

Simply beautiful.

Author's Response: I seriously covered my mouth with my hands when I read this. You have no idea how much this means. Thank you so much!!

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Review #18, by Xylis Prologue: The Origin of It All and Chapter One: If Only

10th April 2011:
This is my first ever review, so I apologize if it isn't very helpful or anything. ((:

First of, this is beautifully written. I really love the use of different points of view; even at this early point of the story, your characters are full of emotion and so well-portrayed. There is the right dose of suspense and action to keep the story alive and also tenderness to make us feel for the various characters. Wonderful pacing as well.

Thank you for this, I really enjoyed it. And now I'm off to read the rest of this. You should be really proud of this!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lovely review! And as first reviews go, it's one of the best I've ever gotten. :D So thank you again!

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Review #19, by naflower05 Chapter Five: Fireflies

9th April 2011:
holy crap! great couple of chapters! and I cant wait for the next update, like oh my god, and did she not get infected cause of her being all special? i hope so, otherwise remus will like... kill himself. update again soon, im so excited for the next chapter!!! =] ~

Author's Response: Aww thank you!! It's in the queue as we speak. :)

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Review #20, by VioletBlade Prologue: The Origin of It All and Chapter One: If Only

8th April 2011:
Hi there Badger! VioletBlade from the forums with your requested review! (:

I'll be honest-- when you first requested the review and I saw the Era and Ship, I was skeptical that I would even like it at all, but I did! It was extremely well written, with only one error that stuck out to me (there was a 'quite' instead of 'quiet')

I haven't ever read a story about Remus and how he... became the werewolf we all know he is. And I'm really glad that you put this prologue in so it gave us that background information.

I'm also very interested in seeing how this affects Remus' and Ellie's relationship-- if Ellie's parents will want them separated for her protection or if they'll still be able to be friends. I also like your characterization of all the characters-- we hardly ever hear about Remus' parents, and I like that they've made an appearance in the story.

This was a great first chapter, and I'm surprised you don't have more reviews than you do. It's written very well, and the grammar/spelling is good too. I wish I had a little more constructive criticsm for you, but there's nothing I can really say to improve upon right now! (that's a good thing!)

~VioletBlade

Author's Response: Thanks so much! Bah I hate silly typos. I just went and fixed it because I'm picky and anal. :P

I was pretty excited about going into his background and getting into the characterisation of his parents too. Thanks again for the quick response to my review request! :)


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Review #21, by RemusJohnLupin Chapter Five: Fireflies

7th April 2011:
I love this story!Please keep writing!

Author's Response: Thank you!

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Review #22, by katie Chapter Five: Fireflies

7th April 2011:
your style of writing is fantastic,i can not wait for the next chapter to be up.

Author's Response: :D Thank you so much!! It should be in the validation que in the next day or two. :)

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Review #23, by Kaida_Snape Prologue: The Origin of It All and Chapter One: If Only

6th April 2011:
For first clicking this story, gotta say it: EPIC CHAPTER IMAGE. With that said, on we go to the story!

I wanna cry!! That was so sweet and sad and awesome and I feel like rambling because it was SO CUTE! I've gotta keep tracking this story because it was so great. I won't get to the next chapters tonight (I'm needing rest right now) BUT WOWOWOWOWOWOW. That was fantastically amazing work right there. Instant favorite!

Author's Response: Ah! This is definitely the best review I've gotten so far. :D You've completely made my day. Awww!

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Review #24, by wolfgirl818 Chapter Four: The Old Getterly House

3rd April 2011:
this is a great story! :)

Author's Response: :D Thank you a lot!

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Review #25, by naflower05 Chapter Two: The Wolf

28th March 2011:
i really like this story so far. update again soon!! =] ~

Author's Response: Thank you so much!

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