Wedding! I love how itís from Hermioneís point of view. She is my favorite character, and I think you did really great job showing her emotions. I think you were able to nail her down really great, and you did a terrific job.
I am wondering how these two are going to connect, and I canít wait until I see how it goes, and how they are going to go together.
Again, a great job!Author's Response: Well, i suppose now is the time to say thank you for all the reviews, it was a wonderful anniversary present! And again, this WIP has come to a halt due to lack of muse but I hope you'll come back to read more when i finally get to writing some :D
Hannah x Report Review
Ohh. Draco and Harry interacting without killing each other :) I love stories that include these two, in any situation. I think how they interact is great. Sometimes I wonder if they would be great friends if they had not started off on the wrong foot.
I donít know. I just love how those two act around each other, and I think that you left a great cliff hanger :)
Iím excited for the next chapter!!Author's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
UGH cliff hanger. Meanie. Just kidding. I love weddings. I have no clue why. I just do. And the color purple.
-MPRAuthor's Response: Umm...awesome. :D I'll try and stop witht he cliffies. Sorry, bad habit. Thanks for stopping by and leaving all these reviews :D Report Review
What the heck is a name like Twiggy? It's a good start. Draco seems a bit mean to me. That could be just me though. Well! that's all I have to say for now.
-MPRAuthor's Response: Twiggy, is an amazing name...don't diss ;) But i guess i might have gone overboard with Draco. Then again if you knew the plan you would definitely think he was mean. :D Report Review
Hi there! Ok, so this is your review from the forums :)
Plot; the prologue was pretty scary, to be honest, but really enticing. Then this chapter was very different, but actually made me even more nervous by the end as to what will happen! It was a really good setting for whatever is going to happen, with the whole history-repeating-itself thing, and because we know what happened at the last wedding, it makes you especially worried for Hermione :(
The normalcy of the whole Weasley setup was really lovely, and really hekped you to get into the story, because we feel on common ground with all of the Burrow and George and Lee testing products, etc. It made me feel very sorry for Hermione, though, having her face painted violet!
Hermione seems very in character, which is good, and it really helps us get a grip on her worry about what will happen, and also on her issues with marrying Ron, which I felt were really heartfelt, and sad too - that she should feel like an outsider, and unsure about marrying Ron, although it does make you oddly excited to see what she's going to do about it ;) Hermione's recollections and memories made it all very personal aswell - as if it was written in first person, not third.
The description was really lovely, because there was just the right amount to set the scene, but it wasn't JUST a giant description.
The only thing that was a little confusing was when Hermione went into the bedroom, because you aren't sure who was already in there & who was behind her, and also why Harry and Ron would be drunk. Apart from that, I couldn't find anything :)
I really want to see where this is going, despite having said I'm not a big fan of Dramiones... this one is really pulling me in! 10/10 :)
~TGKAuthor's Response: Sorry this has taken me so long to reply to! But i really appreciate the review. But yeah, ooh, I'm getting inspiration to write the next chapter now.
But, I'm glad you enjoyed the prologue. It's going to get a little bit confusing from here on out and the whole point is that you have no idea what is going on. But you should be worried for hermione!
I'm so glad you liked the whole Weasley scenario, I tried to make it as canon as possible and I couldn't resist adding a little mayhem in there with George and Lee.
I so appreciate you saying that about Hermione because I was so worried I wasn't going to be able to write Hermione very well. But it seems like I'm doing okay. As for Ron, well... you'll see. Actually you probably wont until the end :P
I'm glad you like my description, I always try to bulk my chapters out with it but not like it just be description.
So, this has gotten quite a few people, and when I go back and edit it all I will address this but it's fine. I think from what I can remember (bad memory) I had it so George and Lee were the ones encouraging Rona and Harry to have a drink to calm the nerves and they weren't like REALLY drunk I don't think.
But thank you so much for the lovely review! I do appreciate it! :)
-Hannah x Report Review
Woah, this was a great chapter! I had all for settled into thinking it was going to be a lovely sweet happy chapter, then the drama at the end was really sudden and surprising (in a good way), and in some way, it's almost like a cliffhanger. It makes me curious to know what's happening, and how this is going to tie in with the first chapter.
I loved the plot of this chapter - the wedding was well written, and so was the characterisation of the Weasleys, and also particularly of Hermione - loved this line: "sure he was an annoying git at times and she often fantasised about stabbing her quill into him" hahaha.
So a nice chapter! I hope to see a chapter 3 sometime soon :)Author's Response: wow! Are you gonna review everything of mine ;)
Thank you :P I loved writing that line, I was worried about Hermiones character but she is so much like me it was easier then I thought.
I'm being awful with the cliffies of which I apologise! They shall stop :P
But chap 3 is going to be a while due to me challenge addiction as such, but it's coming soon! :)
Thank you hun! I'll reply to the rest later :P
Hannah x Report Review
A nice start to a story. Nicely written, and the plot already is intriguing - i'm looking forward to the second chapter to see who exactly is under the mask and why they want to talk to Malfoy.
I'm not sure about Draco's characterisation, to be honest, he felt a little off to me, but I absolutely loved this line when Draco reminisces about torturing luna - "it always made him sick to remember how nice she had still been to him afterwards."
Gah, PERFECTLY LUNA!
So a solid chapter, and i'm off to read chapter 2! :)Author's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
So I was nervous about reading this at first, because I'm not a big Dramione fan, but so far, there hasn't been any Dramione anyway, so I won't comment on that. What I will say is that I love your writing. Like, honestly, there is so much richness to it. Especially the prologue. I really got a sense for what happened to Draco and his emotions behind it, and I got a pretty good sense of his character in just a chapter, which is really good. Just some of the language you use is incredible, and your chapters flow so well. I'm so jealous!
Hmmm...I don't really have much to critique. One thing I would say would be that try and make this original. There are so many Dramiones out there, that they can blend together sometimes, so just make sure yours stands out. I'm sure you will, but I just wanted to address it. Erm, also, while I love a good cliffie, try not to be too too vague at the end of every chapter. It's really good when it's used sparingly, but it can get annoying. Again, I'm sure you'll do it, but I thought I'd bring it up anyway.
I'm actually really intruiged by this plot line. And I typically HATE Dramiones, finding them to be cliche and overdone, so that is HUGE. I'm going to keep reading this and I'm actually really excited to see what you do with it. I'll stick with it, at least for a while. Oh, ha, I thought of something else. One of the things that I don't like about Dramiones is that both Draco and Hermione can get really out of character. I do think the ship could work, but I don't think they have to be out of character to make it happen. Just another thing to keep in mind.
Anyways, really good start. 10/10Author's Response: Heya!
*blushes* thank you! :)
This is a very sparing Dramione...I think it will only be in the middle-ish that it gets even a little bit Dramione and they will never ever actually love eachother.
it will be hard but my main aim is to keep in character. So I don't think you have to worry about unoriginality, or OOCness at all!
But thank you so much for the compliments! :)
Hannah x Report Review
Amazing! I loved the line about Hermione wanting to stick a quill into Ron. Classic.
You really captured the conflicted feelings of a girl watching her friend get married. And ANOTHER interupted Weasley wedding? Poor family, can't they ever catch a break? xD
Can't wait for the next chapter!
-CandaceAuthor's Response: Thank you so much!!! :) I couldn't resist the wedding :) And I'm glad you liked that line, I thought it was a nice touch ;)
Thank you! Next chapter might be a little while because of the amount of challenges I'm doing but it's in progress!
Hannah x Report Review
You're writting style is very detailed but yet not overly so. It's really very refreshing. This story reminds me (so far) a lot like the one I read that got me addicted to HPFF in the first place. (though the plot is very different) I meant in the intelligent writing style.
Amazing, if that was just the prologue I can't wait to read the body of the story. :D
-CandaceAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I wasn't really aware I had a style :P But the prologue was fun to write and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Hannah x Report Review
Awww Hannah, my first Dramione fic and I liked it lol. You made it all very intriuging =). I enjoyed you characterisation of Draco, he seemed exactly how I could imagine him after the war, which is good. I still think that he would have a little bit of a dark side to him. And I enjoyed how you showed that through his interaction with the House elf. I thought this was a great prologue and kept the reader interested and I can't wait to see how Hermione fits into this, I look forward to reading more. Great job hun!!
Silverstarletworld89!!Author's Response: Thank you!! When you get a chance or I next post in the blue vs bronze I hope you'll take a look at the next chapter! :)
Hannah x Report Review
Hi, here with more reviews! I won't mention the grammar seeing as you're about to have this looked at by your beta! :)
Your characterization seems fine! They stick near enough to canon, with a few tiny changes in tone, but that's not a big deal at all.
Your description of the room and its familiarity is great! Good work! :)
Wow that sure was another cliff-hanger!
Also, I hope that even thought this is as Romione as it gets (as you put it haha), that the change into Dramione is smooth enough! :) Be careful.Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I have my beta'd version and will put it in soon :) But thank you for being so nice.
The change to Dramione is going to be fairly gradual and despite me putting that as a pairing from my plan I am struggling to see it ever being a true Dramione but I shall see how it goes.
Thank you! Report Review
WitchyWoman here with your review!
I really enjoyed the first chapter. I think your Draco is written very well in regards to canon. You described the scene very well and I could picture all of it. My favorite description was "sorrows of hundreds of prisoners pressing down on him in a scent," it was a great way to describe the cellar.
The first chapter definitely does have mystery and it makes me want to read more to figure out the mystery. Great first chapter!
For the second chapter I looked at the characterizations. I think that Luna was described well and she seemed in her own world which is how she should be. I think that Hermione was well written. She seemed bossy and in charge when she needed to be and also easily accepting and forgiving of Ron's behavior.
I was a bit confused as to if Ron and Harry were in on the prank as it seems out of character for both. I think Harry, though he didn't say much, was described well. If she is going to have a bigger part in the story, I think you will need to work on Ginny. She seemed almost out of place to me in the chapter. But if her part was just due to nervousness over her wedding than it could be fine.
I think that the reflections on Bill and Fleur's wedding was well done as foreshadowing the events of Harry and Ginny's. I think that the cliff-hanger was well done as it definitely makes me want to know what happens next. I am also glad that there won't be much more Romione!
I think that the story flows well. The first chapter definitely set up some mystery and it was continued in the second chapter with the readers wondering what is happening and why. It may have been a bit out of place to play a prank on Hermione on Harry's wedding day, but if she is not going to be in the Weasley house (I am assuming) after this chapter than when else would you play that prank if you really wanted it in there. I'm not sure it was necessary for the chapter, but it showed a few more characters and definitely showed that Hermione is and always will be Hermione.
This is a great start to what I think will be a very interesting story. I hope this helps!Author's Response: Thank you for the review.
Harry and Ron weren't in on the prank and Harry and Ginny aren't really going to have a huge part to play in the story (Mainly because Ginny seems to be a character I can't write) it would have been a bit hard to have Ginny's wedding without Ginny so I just had to suck it up and write her as best I could.
I think the prank was just a way for me to diffuse the tension and move it along, it wasn't a particularly big plot-point and I probably could have got away with it not being in there.
But thank you for all the nice things you said, I really appreciate the review!
Hannah x Report Review
it really got me interested
:DAuthor's Response: Thank you! :D Report Review
Another cliffy? Yes my dear you are cruel lol =P
Well that was very nice and fluffy. I actually kind of feel light hearted and I think I was grinning the whole way through. I just love weddings.
I'm glad you said this is the most Ron/Hermione action you'll have. I'm just not that big of a fan, and plus that means some Dramione action coming in lol! I liked how you changed the end to being the wedding crashed into, I wasn't really expecting it. I wonder if this is where Hermione will wake up in a different reality? hmmm..
I really love Darker type stories so I'm really excited to see where this story is going to go. You did a wonderful job so far. Keep up the good work. &Do stop by my thread when the next chapter is up. I'd love to see what happens next =)Author's Response: Thank you for the review!
The next update might be a while but I shall definitely try and remember to post in your thread!
I'm glad you are liking it so far :D
Hannah x Report Review
Hey there hun.. so sorry about the little wait there! I was working on my fic a bit but now I'm back to doing my reviews =)
Well you had me at hello. As soon as you said Dramione I was eager to see what the story was about and then after reading the summary, I couldn't help but become even more curious.
I think you did a great job with the prologue. It was a very nice teaser. You gave just enough info to where I can't wait to see what happens next. You did a good job showing Draco in this light. Poor little house elf, hope he doesn't get in trouble later on!
Also the reference to Luna and the cellar was a very nice touch.
Well I'm glad you have the next chapter up so I can see a bit more whats going to happen =)
Great start!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the review :) Report Review
My thoughts on this chapter were everywhere as you'll see as the review progresses. Apologies if it's too long and not comprehensible!
Hermione's thoughts on Ron's bedroom definitely had a nostalgic mood that remained very canon and was a great way to tie the reader down to the chapter. (Make sense? Probably not...)
The scene in Ron's bedroom was okay. It seemed a bit weird. First off, it wasn't clear what Hermione was mad about or how she noticed the bottle to get mad about to begin with. Also, I'm not sure if the boys were ever drinking to begin with, and if they wasn't the bottle some sort of alcohol versus a prank? And if they weren't, what is up with them getting rid of the "rest of the alcohol" and bringing up being drunk first? However, I did like the scene because of the whole mention of George struggling to still be a prankster and not being able to keep it together. That was the redeeming quality.
The fact that the chapter is set right before Harry and Ginny's wedding was a bit lost on me. I thought it was a little bit longer before, not the day of.
There could've been more description. There were many scenes that I couldn't visualize well because of lack of.
Luna's line of "Nice day for Nargles" is a bit weird. I'm a big fan of Luna, though, so I'm a bit weird for noticing this. My point is that Nargles are a bad thing. ...It would be bad for it to be a good day for Nargles on their wedding day.
At first I didn't like your continuous comparison to Bill and Fleur's wedding, however, I think it did well to foreshadow that disaster would happen at the reception. I just never saw it coming until it did haha.
So, I saw you're getting a beta for this, so you can ignore the following comments on sentence structure and obscurity:
-The first sentence of the chapter makes no sense to me at all.
-When you say "the Tiara" and "the last wedding," you should clarify more.
-Hermione's reflections on not being part of the family was very jumbled to the point of sounding unrealistic.
-You never put a period after "Mr"
Overall, there were a lot of small details here that were really good and together made this chapter's plot pretty packed for a single chapter. However, there were also the small things that took away from how spectacular it could be. I'm glad you're getting a beta for this because it definitely has potential.
LibertyAuthor's Response: hehehe, oh lib :')
Thank you :) Report Review
AH!!! HANNAH! Hmph stupid cliff hanger! :) Anyways on to the initial review. This was great Everyone is so in character as they were in the last chapter and i can see some sort of plot forming in your mind! :) Im really excited to see what you come up with here! Great job!!!Author's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
Hi! Lily here with your review.
Draco seems pretty good. I like his character, he seems true to what we see in the book. I like how you made him sick at the memories of the war, it shows his character change there, and the window of opportunity for the dramoine, if you decide to work it that way. Hermione seems very Hermione-ish. I like how youíve added Luna to the Potter wedding.
The foreshadowing was well done too. You kept pointing out all the similairities of Harry and Ginnyís wedding to Bill and Fleurís, and we see that is seems to end the same way at the end of this chapter. The feelings you show are done well, and the characters are on target.
Feel free to rerequest!
~LilyFireAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review! It might be a little wait for the next chapter but I'll make sure I request again! :D Report Review
Hello! Let me begin by saying the leftovers from SHFF make this chapter beyond hilarious. The first and last sentences were particularly funny. He "eyebrowumed" the house-elf was waiting, and where the last two words were supposed to be serious and curiosity inspiring, they sounded like a bad comedy: "It said two words: 'Sherlock Holmes'"
Besides that, I have a few suggestions to offer first:
It was a little short. That's actually not a bad idea for the first chapter of a novel on this site, where word count can be extremely influencing. But if you had expanded a bit more, particularly on the deaths of Draco's parents, that would have added immensely. I would have liked to know more about that, and it was also prove that you put a lot of time and thought into the chapter. Not that you didn't; it would just be obvious, and good for people's view of the chapter, in my opinion.
Upperclass as he is, I just don't see Draco saying "whilst" in everyday conversation. It doesn't sound right coming from him, especially when ordering a house elf. Just a thought.
A few nit-picky things as well that I caught: Here, here should be an apostrophe after "humans." "Draco wondered if it could even feel emotions as acute as a humans."
There were also one or two places where you lacked punctuation after a sentence, usually in dialogue. I would go back and put appropriate commas, periods, question marks, etc.
All right. Other than that, it was a great start. You set the tone well, introduced us smoothly into the life Draco now leads, and showed us a believable character. This line, in particular, was perfect: "It always made him sick to remember how nice she had still been to him afterwards." (On a side note, I think you forgot to capitalize that "i." But I'll be quiet now and reign in my grammar radar.) That sentence not only perfectly sums up Luna, it shows that Draco has a heart. So much going on there, in such a small bit of narrative.
Nice work. If I come across you again in the review battle, I'll do chapter two and see how "Sherlock Holmes" turns out.Author's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
SHERLOCK!!! Woo!!! hehe I didn't think I'd ever read/anyone would post a Sherlock story, but after doing the podcast I reall wanted to read one!!
Draco!! I LOVE your characterization of Draco. The whole "I'm miserable and have an awful past but I look drop dead gorgeous" It's totally believable.
I loved this line: "the sorrows of hundreds of prisoners pressing down on him in a scent, if despair could have a scent that was." Very deep, very powerful. Nicely done :)
The length was just about right for a prolouge, but it could have been longer if needed. Meaning I want to read more XD sorry sometimes my head and my hands don't cooperate well together.
Overall, a very good beginning to a story!! Don't let one bad review get you down!!
PPAuthor's Response: Thank you hun! I really appreciate it :D Tehe..the next chapter is up..although not as good as that one :) But thank you! I wont let it get me down and its been deleted now anyway :D Report Review
And so the Dramione continues! ;)
I really like it so far- I'm very curious as to when the Dramione comes in. But who crashed the wedding? Death Eaters? I'm so curious! Gosh, you have a thing for cliff-hangers, don't you? XD You're going to kill me with one of those someday! :P
This is exciting; it's moving along really well!Author's Response: Aww thank you hun! Tehe..it will all be revealed, eventually. Thanks for the review hun! It really gives me confidence to carry this on! :D And I think the cliff-hangers stop there :D Report Review
Usually I strongly dislike (I'd rather not use the word hate) Dramiones, but I think this one is fantastic. You have a glorious writing style - I particularly like the prologue - and you can easily set the tone of the story. You write angst and uncertainty very well and it is extremely intriguing. Your story has good flow, and the characterisations are also very good. You give us enough backstory to stop us being completely in the dark, but then not too much so that we don't want more.
You tease! A cliffhanger! What?!
I spotted a few grammar mistakes, but those could be sorted out by finding a beta or whatever, but other than that, a very good opening chapter - very intriguing, very mysterious. Very good for a Dramione! *Runs off and prays at her Ron and Hermione altar*Author's Response: Thank you! You have made my day, you picked up on everything I was aiming for! :) I have my beta and I am just about to submit the beta'd version now. Also there is a lot more Romione in chapter 2 which is up now if you happen to want to read it! :) Report Review
Hi there, I am not normally a Dramione kind of gal but I figured if this is your first go at writing one then I can review one :-) I definitely think you should not have been nervous about posting it at all as you write so terrifically well that you could turn your hand to anything.
This is a great prologue. Setting up the tone of the story with a solitary Draco trying to make sense of his life after the war. I have yet to read many fics that deal with this time period but I really looking forward to seeing how you deal with it - all the angst and uncertainty that comes with it. And leaving on a little cliffhanger? I didn't quite know whether it was Harry in the cloak, or the figure wanted to talk about Harry but either way, an interesting premise for Draco!
There are a couple of punctuation and grammar mistakes - a little too many commas when maybe there could have been a separate sentence. I struggle with that too in my writing and tend to go too far in the opposite direction and have too many breaks, but in the overall scheme of the chapter, it didn't impinge on the story or the quality of the writing.
Good luck writing the next chapter, I am looking forward to reading it and eagerly await the introduction of Hermione. No Dramione cliches spotted yet ;-) Not that I could claim to be an expert in such things.Author's Response: Thank you! I ave my beta working on everything right now but if you can bear my awful grammar then chapter 2 is up for when you next want to review something! :) I have introduced Hermione and it is more Romione the Dramione :) Report Review
Hello, blueirony here from the forums with your review!
So you didn't request anything in particular in your review, so I'll just go through the main things that I normally talk about in reviews, okay?
Plot. I like this so far. You have only given us a small shadow of it so far, but I am intrigued. I have no idea where you are going with this. But both the ending and the summary make it seem like it's going to be a suspenseful ride and one that you have set up well!
Flow. This flows well. What I like most about it is that you sort of just jump straight into a scene. Draco comes home and off goes the story. That's lovely to see. I don't think you need to spend a lot of time giving backstory, particularly if you are heading down the mystery genre and you've done well. You also build up to the mysterious person in the cellar very well. You could do with a little bit more description, though. Don't overwhelm the reader, just try and use a little bit to build up some tension as Draco approaches the cellar. One thing I noted was the Draco does sound "almost [fearful]" and then you almost go and talk and about how Draco hates that part of the manor. I would continue with the fear. It will help build up the tension.
Characterisation. You have Draco spot on. The way he sounds arrogant and superior to his house-elf is exactly how I would picture him and you have written him well. His dialogue is also very well done.
Setting. You haven't given us a lot of setting but I don't think that's a bad thing. Hopefully in the next few chapters, we will start to understand where the story is set (in terms of timeline) and how it all fits together, etc., but I like the fact that I'm not too sure at the moment. It keeps me intrigued and that's what you want from a reader!
Grammar and spelling. I couldn't find anything of worry which is a good thing!
Overall, I think that you have a really good starting chapter. It's nothing too descriptive but it draws the reader in. You said your strength was the mystery/suspense aspect and I would have to agree. I definitely am curious to see where you are going to go with this, so good luck and keep up what you are already doing!
Joop (blueirony).Author's Response: Thank you! The few things you have criticised, e.g the description etc are being sorted by my amazing beta and the slightly revised chapter will be posted the same time as chapter 2.
Thank you for the wonderful review! Just made my day! Thank you..umm..again :D
Hannah x Report Review
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