Reading Reviews for A Man's Legacy
  
4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by puiwaihin A Man's Legacy

24th March 2011:
Very nice story. I like the idea of house elves simply deciding to follow wizards around and serve them after an act of kindness. I wish you could have developed that a bit more, especially with the jealous wife. I was really looking forward to seeing how her jealousy affected things, but that never seemed to happen.

The folk tale style of narration you used was nicely done. Few stories are written in that way these days and it was very refreshing. Your imitation of Beedle the Bard (or how I'd imagine it to be) was convincing.

The only real disappointing thing for me was that you foreshadowed many possible things but then did nothing with them. Why did the father (and then elder son) sit beneath the tree at that specific time and for that duration? What ill came of the wife's envy? How did gaining the house elf contribute to the resolution?

You gave really great details that looked like they were all going to mesh together, but in the end they seemed mostly irrelevant to the plot. Despite that, it was still a good story and thanks for writing it!

Author's Response: Hi!

So, I have to agree with you. As much pride as I do have in the story, it would be much better as two stories rather than one. I wasn't able to weave the many challenges I used this for as seamlessly as I usually do.

However, I remain proud of the writing style I used here. I was going for the folk tale tone, and I'm just ever so happy that you feel like I hit it in a way comparable to the imagined Tales of Beedle the Bard.

I think I will be editing this story later, as it is a favorite plot bunny of mine. I will definitely seek out all the points where I was foreshadowing things that I never followed up on. The wife and house elf were perhaps the biggest things I missed out on elaborating on. I even had ideas for it, just not the time to put them in. Perhaps I'll turn this into a short story. I originally meant for this to be a short story, but there was a deadline to hit...

I'm glad you still thought it a good story despite all the let downs! Thank you so much for your review and good feedback!

from,
Liberty


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Review #2, by Canadian_Hogwarts A Man's Legacy

22nd March 2011:
Ok, this was awesome. Nothing more, nothing less. At first I was thinking to myself 'Why does she think this is dark? It's so not at all.' but then by the end I was getting goosebumps. The change in the younger brother's thoughts and personality through his life was amazingly well developed. I think the very best part was at the very end, when the younger brother says 'See, Father,arenít I doing a good job? Arenít I making something of your legacy?'. Yeeesh! That gave me intense chills. The way you showed his decent into madness was so well done, I can't stress that enough!
To add a wee bit of constructive critisism here, I did think that the intro was a little too long. Although it was a fascinating insight into the past of the brothers, th amount of time that was spent on he father's life and on the mother seemed a little unnecessary. I also really liked the house elf; I think he probably could have been included some more. He sort of appeared and then disappeared again without anything happening with him. Adding him into the plot; maybe making him come along with the brothers and then get lost after warning them to stay away from the water might have given him more of a role to play in the plot.
Overall, this was another really excellent piece. I really enjoyed the fairytaleishness of the way you told it. Great work! You're a wonderful writer :)

Author's Response: Hi!

I'm so glad this is awesome. I know it's not dark at first, but once I got ahold of my idea firmly, that was the direction I tried to steer it in that direction. The end was definitely something that I meant to effect the reader's thoughts about the rest of the story.

Oh.the intro...quite truthfully, it's not meant to be an intro. It's meant to be a story all on it's own. I'm considering editing this so there is two chapters and I'm able to elaborate more on the "intro." However, doing that would change it into two very different stories rather than two chapters in one story. I'm lost as to what to do, but I'll figure it out soon enough. The intro was meant to go in a different direction, but then a plot bunny hit me, and it came from the part I'd already written, so I've just got a jumble of different plots relating to each other here. The original plan was to have the wife be the one displaying envy, but I prefer her to have grown affectionate towards her husband. The elf, was also to play a larger part, but once the new layout was written, I couldn't find anyway to stick him in. I'm not so sure I will edit, but if I do, I think I will take your suggestion about the elf's place. If I do so, I'll make sure to credit you.

The fairy tale sort of tone is attributed to the Tales of Beedle the Bard, which I tried to mimic, and it seems I did so successfully.

Thank you for the review and flattery and most especially the criticsism! I love me the criticism and suggestions!
from,
Liberty


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Review #3, by Aiedail A Man's Legacy

21st March 2011:
hello! :)
firstly, i LOVE the tone of this piece. it reminds me of a fairytale, and i think that the overwhelming presence of who is clearly a narrator really gives this story a driving force. i was compelled to follow the tale, to know what happened to the characters, and care about them.
i think that the way that you ended it was very fitting. obviously, not the happiest story, but i think that it is powerful and has a message that is beneficial to the story, and don't weigh it down too much. sometimes when i read things with an unhappy storyline and then they aren't mixed up with humor i just get dragged down, but i think that this story is different because it can hold up to the darker material. i believe this has something to do with the tone -- it's detached enough, or something like that. i can't tell you exactly why it all works, just that i think that it does. :)
i think that for never giving any of the characters besides the little house elf a name (so clever, by the way, how you did this and incorporated a whole lot of possibilities into the small action of returning favors!), you did a great job at characterizing them. i like that the wife was a dynamic, human character, and that she grew to (maybe) love her husband in time. i liked that the brothers grew apart and that the mistake was fatal. i like that the wonderful wizard took the trips by himself, even when his sons could have come. i like how, at the end, the younger brother had to say the things out loud to his older brother, that he couldn't just think them or leave them contained in his body. your attention to detail is something that you can't really teach a writer, and from this i predicate the ability to you to be a good writer, naturally :)
besides a few grammatical things, there really isn't anything here that i would change. coming from me, not because i'm really awesome or anything :P but because i'm very picky, that is unusual--but in a good way!
so glad i stopped by, and i'm very impressed with this story :) :)
(oh, i also really love the title, how it plays into the ending, and the summary that you have--the story is circular, completes itself, and at the same time, goes beyond itself. i think that's what all one-shots aim for, but few attain. so wonderful job, over all!)
--lily :)

Author's Response: Hi Lily!

I wasn't originally going to write this story in that tone, however, I saw the Beedle the Bard challenge and thought the tone of a folktale would be more suited towards this type of story.

I've gotten some criticism on the tone I've used, because oftentimes the tone does take the reader away from connecting with the characters properly as they might with a different narrative. However, I'm glad you liked that effect as it took you away from feeling too depressed about the outcome of the story.

I'm glad you loved all the plot details I put into this, many of them were added in later.

There were grammatical errors? I must review my stories more carefully before I submit them!

I'm glad you don't see anything desired. I've been second-guessing myself due to the fact that I've gotten a couple reviews criticizing the introduction of the wife and house elf without ever tying up those loose ends. I'm considering editing in a bit more with that.

Thank you so much for the review and flattery! I'm overjoyed that my one-shot has achieved what it's meant for.

from,
Liberty


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Review #4, by TheProphecy A Man's Legacy

13th March 2011:
Oh wow!

I thought this was very well written, I really liked the narrative of it and the way it was written. Your plot was very good. I liked how the brother didn't save the older brother, it really shows how the idea of power can corrupt someone.

I think my only issue was that I wanted to feel the resentment myself, although I liked the way you wrote I don't feel it gives enough room for character development or to provoke reader reactions.

I did really enjoy it though despite that, well done! :)

Hannah x

Author's Response: Hey Hannah!

Yes, I tried to center the story around the sin of envy for a challenge, but I did also stray into the sin of greed looking at it now. The plot was very much influenced by my philosophical thoughts pulled out from books on the subject(s).

I completely see how you felt disconnected from the characters. I was hoping that despite my writing style used in this story, the characters would still come through, but no such luck I suppose. I wrote this for the Tales of Beedle the Bard Challenge, so I very much tried to influence my normal writing style with J.K.'s in that book. I think I succeeded partially, but I'm sorry to have lost the reader's feeling of relation with my characters.

Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you liked it despite the disconnection with the character!
from,
Liberty


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