The line from your summary "A fact that causes a young boy to grow into an angry man" really caught my attention. It's really an intriguing and mysterious sentence. I'm really glad I clicked on this story.
You really have a talent for description and I loved how the room was the central piece in this story. You really painted a picture in my mind of a barren, old-fashioned room that reflected the personalities/lives of the people who live in the house.
I can't quite decide who did the "callous dishonesty" that the room witnessed- was it the mom who disappeared or the man who lied to his son? And did he lie? What was written in that letter? It was surely more than just the simple answer of "no, she doesn't love you anymore" that the man gave his son- she wrote to much and too frantically for it to be that.
I can definitely see this as being the event that made the young boy into an angry man. His father didn't seem to be loving or affectionate, showing no sympathy for the boy whose mother just abandonned him. I think your last sentence ("a feeling that never did quite disappear") was great for expressing those feelings in very little words.
The only CC I would give is that you used "proud" twice in two back-to-back sentences in the second paragraph. I would use a synonym for one of them if possible.
Other than that it was great! I really enjoyed reading this story.Author's Response: Thanks for such a lovely review :) I tried to experiment a bit with my writing and tell a story from the perspective of just the room. It was quite challenging, but I enjoyed writing it just the same.
I've been exploring the idea of neglect recently, and how hatred can spawn from the feeling of neglect. I think neglect can make it possible to hate someone and love them at the same time. I've written another one shot exploring the same issue but in a different way. I wanted the letter to remain a mystery, that no one would ever know what it said except Draco (who was the man btw :P). But it had to be something so huge that it made the woman willing to run away and leave her child and her husband. But the young boy in the story doesn't understand that because he didn't get to read the letter. So I'd say the dishonesty came from his father, who has concealed something from his son, which could actually heal his sons pain.
I will definitely go back and look over the sentence you pointed out.
Thanks very much for your review :) Report Review
Hello, Akussa here with your second review!
Another beautifully tragic piece... I absolutly adore your writting style. There is a poetic feel to your words and your detailed description of the scene is simply amazing. I felt like I was standing right there in that room with her; looking at the dust and breathing in the stale air.
It was also very detailed and very personal on the emotional level. Her pain and fear haunted me as well throughout this story and I'm almost pleased that she got away from it all because it was simply underable.
If there was one little comment I could make, it would be about the slightly repetitive sense we get when we read this piece; particularily the beginning. When describing the scene, you spend a lot of time detailing the room and it is a breathtaking piece of work. But, in my opinion, you overused the word "room" a bit and it feels redondant at some point. Here is an example :
"...a beautiful room stood facing out on to the sweeping landscape. The room was a grand room..."
And this is just a small excerpt of one of the paragraph discussing the room. I'm not saying you should cut the descriptions simply that you could do with skipping the word once or twice (eg : "The room was grand...").
Overall, it was a really wonderful piece and I loved it no matter if it tore my heart. Really good work!
Akussa (Gryffindor)Author's Response: "The room was a grand room" - yeah, that seems a little bit too much doesn't it? Haha, I'm glad you pointed that out, I'll definitely fix that. That is just incredibly repetitive. I don't know how I missed that!
I feel like all I keep saying in the reviews you've left me is "thank you" but I really don't know what else to say! You've been so kind and I'm really, really thrilled at all this praise :)
So, thank you again! Report Review
Hello! This is lizzacc from the fourms. You left a request in my review thread. ^_^ Let's get down to it, shall we?
Your writing style is really quite beautiful. Even if you don't consider this to be your best work, I'm still blown away. You have a knack for painting such vivid images in readers' mind. I admire you for that. Creating a picture using nothing but words takes talent, and you clearly have that talent. Your imagery sucked me in; it kept me reading the next line. So even if you worry this story is boring, your imagery more than makes up for it.
Speaking of, I don't think your story was boring at all. You took a very juicy, for lack of a better word, scene. For such scenes, readers want to know all the background information: what finally made her leave? Why? All those small details. But because of the challenge, you couldn't explain and it left it all very mysterious. That, with your brilliant use of words made for quite a stunning effect.
What I think you have to be careful about, dear, is sentence structure. You have to be careful on where you put those commas. A reader doesn't want to drown in words, you know? What I personally find useful is reading the story outloud. Where you pause naturally is where the comma should probably go. For example, here:
As if she had held it in for too long and now, slowly and painfully...
When reading, you pause after 'long' and that's where the comma should go. :)
The flow felt a bit off for me in some parts. Like I said, you should watch your punctuations. They can be tricky at times. I adore your imagery, I've already said that, but it felt a bit too much in some sentence. Your sentences weren't run-on or anything, but some were a bit wordy. I think you can trim a few of them down. Like here:
...no sounds of hooting owls, pads of heavy paws from large creatures or scuttling from tiny ones on the forest floor ever seemed to emit from it.
When I read it outloud, the 'ever' just seems unnecessary. And notice how it makes the flow a bit jagged. That's really my only CC for you. I just think you need to read your stories outloud a few times; it'll really help you with all those punctuations and taking out unnecessary words.
Other than that, I liked it a lot. The innocence of Scorpius in contrast to Draco was really remarkable. And it was quite dark and bitter towards the end. I must've mentioned this a thousand times already in this review, but some really lovely imagery you have going on here. (: Great job!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad you liked the imagery. I tried to concentrate on that angle of the story more since I couldn't really give any backstory and I thought I had a bit of a weak plot.
Thank you for the CC. Sentence structure has been pointed out time and time again (in fact the sentences you pointed out have been mentioned in another review and are already fixed now). It's something I'm working on so reviewers pointing out my mistakes helps me to learn and grow as a writer :) Report Review
Wow, really intense work! I liked this story a lot. It really worked the limitations of the challenge well. You followed the prompt of not giving any background story, but you still managed to include a story, not just a description of a scene. That's very impressive. I also liked that you followed what happened after she left at the house, rather than following her, because generally these types of stories would be following her and where she went and why.
It was very well written, I liked the description a lot, especially the connection between the solitude of the room and the loneliness of the woman. YOur writing is very polished, I appreciated that a lot, and your use of imagery is creative and intricate. I felt so sorry for poor baby Scorp in the end! I am pretty attached to my Draco, but I can definitely see him reacting, in the moment, pretty cruelly.
All in all, excellent job, hon!Author's Response: Thank you so much!
I'm also quite attached to Draco, this is probably the cruellest I've ever written him actually. Definitely something different for me.
Thanks for creating such an interesting challenge. I enjoyed taking part :) Report Review
Hello! Mintleaf here, with your review!
'no sounds of hooting owls, pads of heavy paws from large creatures or scuttling from tiny ones on the forest floor ever seemed to emit from it.' I think this section of text is a little too wordy. If you don't mind me making a suggestion maybe go along the lines of, 'no sounds of hooting owls, pads of paws from large creatures or even scuttling of tiny ones along the forest floors seemed to emanate from it.' I know that isn't a big change but I think the word 'even' really breaks up the sentence. That's just my opinion though :)
'Her mood seemed to emanate from her' people's moods do generally tend to emanate from them so it might be nice if you are a little more specific as to what her mood is. I know you have in the next sentence but I feel it needs to be here too. That point is a little pick of me though, I know haha.
'As if she had held it in for too long and now, slowly and painfully...' I think if you place the comma before 'and' rather than after 'now', it sounds a lot better. Especially when you say it out loud.
I know this is going to be a completely bizarre suggestion, but I only say it because your writing is very pretty and the only tiny issue I can see is with spacing. Maybe, if a sentence is particularly long or is meant to have a certain emphasis, then say it out loud. I think if you do this you'll find yourself shuffling commas around a lot more. I hope you don't think that sounds condescending, I don't mean it to be AT ALL! I do the same thing and it really helps. I really do only say it because your writing would be so perfect if the spacing was just right! Your use of poetic devices is heavenly.
There's not a lot to see yet in this chapter but what I've seen doesn't look far off the mark from what I'd expect so that's all good!
'a single crystal chandelier hanging proudly.' Gorgeous personification!Author's Response: No, it's definitely not condescending at all. I requested a review because I wanted someone to cast a critical eye over it so honesty is appreciated.
I'll definitely go back and look over the areas you pointed out. The thing is, most areas you've pointed out were areas that I read over again and again and just knew they weren't right, so thanks for offering your advice.
And thank you for your kind words also, they mean a lot :) Report Review
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