Well, I had read this before, and swore I left a review, but apparently I didn't! gasp!
I thought this was really well done, definitely captured the essence of the challenge you were in. I could also picture the scenes so clearly, really great job!
I'd love to friend you on the forums if you're on them, let me know, or go ahead and friend me. Archive name is the same on the forums :)
P.S thank you for reviewing my story a while back! Report Review
That was much too good.
And much too short.
Thank you! Report Review
Char here from the forums with your review.
This was truly gripping. The emotion that runs through it is very evident. The passion and the hatred for that passion comes through with the joys and pains of a love/hate relationship worked finely into this.
A few things: in this first fight/love scene, you put some of Scorpius point of view in it which is a bit confusing as the overall one-shot is told from Roses perspective and this is the only part that has Scorpius POV. The beginning of their affair is also a bit abrupt in my eyes but you smooth it out as you explain their emotions towards each other. If you back up, you could probably work that in a bit better. There were a few grammatical and spelling errors which I can elucidate on but I am sure if you went through you could see it (example: He began to kiss her and in a fit of madness she pushed him away. *.* is this because she was crazy [madness] or because she was mad [fit of anger?]).
I do not normally like seeing a woman being brought down by a man (pro feminism and all that) and your story explores those weaknesses in a way that makes me want to cringe away from such lower emotions but also makes me want to know what happens afterwards for the two—do they keep the baby? Do they ever come clean to their friends and family? Do they stay together? Does she get the guts to stand on her own?
I loved the wording of these lines: But the words didn’t come out right. What was supposed to be “I think we should stop seeing each other” came out as “I love you”.
I look forward to seeing what else you’ve got around here!
(pardon the weird symbols, they are apparently supposed to be apostrophes) Report Review
This is an excellent story; I really like the dynamic between Rose and Scorpius. I love the forbidden/secret romance storyline and I believe that you had depicted it gracefully here.
Great job!Author's Response: Aw, thank you, glad you liked it :) Report Review
Hello Megan, I've made it a point to read & review stories for people who have been reading and reviewing mine. I was touched by your compliments and enthusiasm about my story, so I am here to return the favor.
Starting out, I wasn't sure what to think because finding out right away she's pregnant kind of skipped past the mystery of that, but then I saw the main focus of the story and so I continued reading. It's very interesting.
It seems that what she's going through is a batch of many mixed feelings. From the description, it's clear that Rose really IS playing with fire with all the negative things that she has done. You titled the story perfectly, in my opinion.
The feel of the mood is that of sadness and regret but at the same time, a girl struggling to escape the chains of lust that seem to have a hold of her. It's like she is fighting against herself more then him and while this is a one-shot, it has a lot of potential to expand even more. Just an observation.
Thank you for sharing such an interesting story! -TiffyAuthor's Response: Thank you for R&R Tiffy, you left a really kind review :)
Please update JG&DC soon! :) Report Review
aww :) that's really good :) i love scorpius/rose fics!Author's Response: Thank you for your kind review :) Report Review
keep it up people.Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
This story was AMANZING I absolutely loved it! 10/10!Author's Response: Thanks, your too kind :) Report Review
Rose Weasley, you're in trouble. :P
Great story! I almost entered into this challenge, but I knew I wouldn't have done that great a job. Awesome job, missy!Author's Response: Thank you!
Your review made me smile and I just love reviews that make me do that :) Report Review
ScoRose! Heck yes! I love me some ScoRose. I thought this was a fantastic example of lust. Lust is an emotion that some people have difficulty separating from romance in writing, but I think you really nailed it. Rose originally only wanted parts of Scorpius - but didn't want to dive all the way in and do the whole proper girlfriend/boyfriend bit with him. And I like how she hated him but not for any particular reason - just because of what I can only guess is family prejudice - and he didn't have any decent reasons to hate her, either. But their lust for each other triumphed the hate - or kindled it, on occasion - and they just did what felt right. I'm pleased to see that in the end, a very strange and inexplicable love formed from that lust, and won. And now they're together! Yay! The transformation from hate to lust to love was very well-done. Lots of clouded emotions; confusing and frustrating. That's love for you! :)Author's Response: Aw, thank you for you lovely review :) Report Review
Oh gosh. Just wow.
This was an amazing fic to read!!! :D I can tell you I've read a LOT of Rose/Scorpius fics, but this is one of the best. It's so well written and the way you wrote it was just amazing.
I definitely loved this. In this case, I loved the dates you had. I loved how you wrote Rose's thoughts. Gahh, this was just really amazing. You're a very talented writer, and I loved the style of this piece!!
The only crit I have is that it finished really quite abruptly. It doesn't feel like the ending! I wanted to read more about what would happen next! :P
Lovely fic that was an absolute joy to read :)Author's Response: Thannk you, you have no idea how much this review made me smile!
xx Report Review
She stared down at the wand in her hand which was emitting a pink glow, a feeling a dread and sickness curling in her stomach.
'feeling of' instead of 'feeling a'
The answer was simple though. She had betrayed her friends, cheated on her boyfriend, and had gone against everything her house stood for - bravery, nerve, chivalry. Instead she had acted like a coward, ashamed, hiding away from the world, like that slimy Slytherin who had got her into this mess to start with.
ashamed and instead of ashamed,
She gritted her teeth and tried to hold back the tears as she realised that this baby would change everything.
realized instead of realised
The hatred burned in their eyes as grey locked onto brown. Tension sizzled like fire, and a glass shattered on the other side of the room. Neither of them moved an inch, they just stood their silently, waiting for the other to make the first move.
there instead of their
There was wasn’t a reason why they were duelling, they were doing it simply because they hated each other, and had done since first year. No, before that even, before they had even met each other.
dueling instead of duelling
Because in that moment, as he strode towards her, trapping her against the wall of their Common Room, their lives as they knew them, changed forever.
them instead of them,
And as their kissing got rougher, and their clothes became discarded on the floor, the more sure she was. She wanted this, she did, she did.
remove one of the , she did
She worried all the time that somebody would find out about them. They still fought and duelled all the time, part of the time so people wouldn’t get suspicious, the only times because their hatred for each other overruled the lust. Then afterwards they would make up, making love to each other over and over again, healing the pain.
dueled instead of duelled
all the time or part of the time? choose one
'each time' instead of 'the only times'
They had been at it for months and now it was Valentines Day and she had decided, she was finally going to tell him. But then he bought her some flowers and looked at her in love, and she just couldn’t break her heart, she just couldn’t do that to him.
Valentine's instead of Valentines
his heart instead of her heart
So she kept her mouth shut tight, and gushed over the flowers, and then at night, when she had finally escaped from his clutches, she cried alone to herself, wondering whether it would ever end.
So she kept her mouth shut tight and gushed over the flowers. Then at night, when she finally escaped from his clutches she cried alone to herself, wondering whether it would ever end.
Once he’d pulled away, he had took one look at her face and asked, “What’s wrong?”
remove the had
When she finally wiped away the tears from her cheeks, she swept up the pieces of the vase with her hands. She could just use a simple Reparo and the vase would be as good as new. But she didn’t, because she wanted rid of him and everything to do with him. And this time she would follow through.
wanted to get rid instead of wanted ridAuthor's Response: Thank you, this was extremley helpful :) Although some of the mistakes you pointed out were not mistakes, it is simply because the spellings are different in England. :) But thank you anyway.
xx Report Review
Hello strawberrydarhling! It's notreallyblonde44 here to review for my challenge. As I have told everyone else, I will leave my comments here and you're welcome to ignore them or use them to edit your story. I will be re-reading all the entries on March 20th and then picking winners! Onto the review:
Why did a glass shatter in the beginning? Lol that seemed like an easy way to create tension, but I think you already created the tension nicely and didn't need something so jarringly dramatic.
'But then he bought her some flowers and looked at her in love, and she just couldn't break her heart, she just couldn't do that to him.' -looked at her in love is a rather generic phrase to me, no offense, and I think you could be more precise and descriptive. Because now I'm question how to look at someone with love lol. Also, break her heart or his or both of their hearts? How much of her heart is involved is she's only doing everything out of Lust?
Hmm I didn't particularly enjoy the rain cloud imagery...it was used about 3 times in the chapter and I think you could spice up the description and diction in that sense ;)
'Just like my hearts bleeding.' -I thought this was a bit melodramatic of Rose, but I supposed I would feel the same way if I was suddenly in her position. But I'm curious, a boyfriend was mentioned in the beginning...where in the world is he? Lol.
All the *** really threw me off haha. I think you could go without them because they make your A/Ns blur together as if they are one with the text and you already have the dates and italics that break up the timeline, I don't think the asterisks necessary because it's just one more way of signifying the timeline, but you've already done that without the asterisks and it would be less cluttered without them.../end rant lol
Well, I can't comment too heavily on characterization here because I think this was a piece driven on emotion, which is great and suitable for a Lust-y piece. I feel bad for Scorpius, although I don't understand why he likes Rose. And Rose is all sorts of confusingly messed up lol. Again, what about her boyfriend and friends? Was it easy to hide this "relationship" of sorts? And do you think this was more lust-y or romance and why? I think it has tendencies of both. I think Rose is supposed to be the one destroyed by lust, which her life is with the pregnancy. I think that needs to be shown more or elaborated upon ;)
Overall, I liked the writing and flow a lot. For a story filled with things that are cliche and that I dislike, (Rosipus, Head boy/Girl, hate-hate, and infidelity are things I don't read in fanfic) I found myself enjoying this piece more than I could imagine and I think that's because of your writing. Besides the awkward parts I mentioned above, it had a nice pace to it and I think your use of the language was very enjoyable to read. I think you gave the right amount of description and detail when necessary and that added to the emotional aspect of the one-shot a lot. I also think that, for the most part, you didn't try to overdo anything -it was all raw energy and straight forward writing- which was tight and nicely done.
Thanks for entering my challenge! Feel free to PM me with any questions you might have :)
Oh, and I'm not telling which, BUT coincidentally one of those dates is my birthday date, which is awesome hahaha!Author's Response: Sorry it took so long to respond but better late than never, right?
Thank you for this review, I have used it to change a few things around in the story, so its really helped, so thank you! :)
Also, one of those dates is my birthday as well, thats why I chose it :)
xx Report Review
eeep! i feel bad for scorpius. she doesn't really like him or LOVE him and he does and thinks she does too. is more like she's playing with HIS feelings, by how much she wanted to end it and then just gave in to the lust and charm of Scorp M :) but i hate rose. i know she's pregnant, but my pity for scorp makes it all go away...
:) 8/10Author's Response: Wow, I've never thought about it like that :)
Thanks for your review :)
xx Report Review
Great story, a got a little confused sometimes, but well done, the story is really good, and the way you described the way she felt was really good too ;)Author's Response: Aw, thank you, glad you liked it :)
xx Report Review
I loved it... didn't expect the end!Author's Response: Thank you!! :)
xx Report Review
Hi, I'm playing some review tag!
Considering this is my first ScoRo, I'm probably prejudice but this is reeally good.
This could easily get a sequel, perhaps telling the 'rents?
Anyway, awesome story, 10/10Author's Response: Aw, thanks for the lovely review :) I jumped up and down after I got it, cos I'm weird like that :)
xx Report Review
hey! good one!! I liked this fic! it made sense, how rose got caught up in the lust and she couldn't do anything about it. Kind of realistic too!
Operation: Green with Envy :)Author's Response: Woot!
My first Operation: Gree With Envy review :)
I keep telling myself to start working on some reviews for people to boost me up on hte Leaderboard but I keep procastinating. I might go read Forever by you.
Anyway, thanks for the review :) Report Review
You could get a fantastic banner with this title, so if you haven't already requested one at TDA then do that!
I'd bold your authors note, and make a more definitive break between the A/N and the bulk of the story.
I really like how you make lust a huge factor in this; usually Rose/Scorpius stories are quite fluffy. I'd like to see this made longer; the end just doesn’t seem fitting with the rest of the story. It starts out fantastically but does decline somewhat in the style and language towards the end.
Hope I was some help, and sorry that I always sound so critical! If you decide to expand on this, then link me and I'll review :)Author's Response: Thanks for all the tips, and no problem with being critical, critical was just what i needed :)
xx Report Review
Hello there--got your request on the forums and had another free moment to come over and read.
So its a challenge fic and you entered it under the category of lust, yes? Well it definitely is a lustful fic but I believe that its debateable on whether or not its romance; I think it has quite the romantic tinge to it even if Rose meant to break things off with him. It seems to me that they seem to have feelings for one another.
Okay second thing, I think that your story is a bit of a cliche to be honest because it is underage pregnancy out of hate-hate sex in which both characters are Heads. You kinda make it a twist with them not acting overly lovey-dovey but I dunno how you could resolve it. Perhaps you could add some detail into their relationship, making it less hate-hate and adding some dynamic to their relationship.
As for pacing, it seemed like you were trying to fit quite a story into a one-shot and a shorter one-shot at that; I would reccomend that you add some more detail, maybe giving us more of a look of exchange between them before Rose finds out she is pregannt and they are still just shagging buddies or whatever.
Grammarwise, you have some serious issues; I'd reccomend a beta simply because I saw some tense issues as well as formatting issues (i.e. commas and such). Adding some details could also work into smoothing the transitioning and smoothing down and seperating out soe of the cliches.
Overall, its not a bad one-shot but there is plenty of room for improvement. Hope this one-shot wasn't mean because it wasn't intended in that way. It was meant to help you. Best of luck in the challenge.
LMWAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for this review :)
You have been really helpful and I am going to edit this later on and work to adding more detail.
I have tried to get a beta, in fact I posted a topic up a few days ago, but nobody has picked it up yet.
And, no it wasn't mean, you just packed a lot of helpful criticism in to it.
Thanks again ofr your help
xx Report Review
Ah, so good! Lust always ends up as love in these kind of things. It's awesome. Strawberry blonde baby ha.Author's Response: Hehe, thank you :) Report Review
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