I love this story! Please make more of one shots like this one! Report Review
I totally forgot that this was in 2nd person until I got about half way through. Normally 2nd person seems forced and jagged, but this just flowed so easily and read so well that I completely forgot and became so immersed in Lily and Snape's feelings.
Absolutely wonderfully written. I'm a huge Lily and James fan, and love what you did here.
Keep it up!
- SHPFFO :) Report Review
That was beautiful. It's a great depiction of their relationship. I like the second person narrative, but I think the third person may have been more effective here. Regardless, I really enjoyed this.Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the review :)
This is quite an old piece of my writing, but I'm glad you liked it. Looking back at it, it was the first time I'd tried writing in second person, so it wasn't entirely successful, obviously. I may rewrite it one day, who knows.
Thanks for the review!
-Giola Report Review
wow, this is the best second-person I have read so far. I read only a few second person narratives because generally the writer cannot pull it off properly. They always get me confused. But this was brilliant. The flow was awesome, everything fell into place and it wasn't confusing at all.
Lily's emotions at the beginning, with the running away and all, were described perfectly. It was some brilliant writing I must say.
Severus' paragraph in the end almost made me cry. The way it was written was so intense and touching. I truly felt sad. His bitterness for James also showed through all the pain which was a realistic touch.
The fact that Lily always wore the necklace Sev gave her was so moving. I truly could feel the emotional turmoil taking place in your story.
I think this was an amazing idea and brilliantly written. Everything was perfect.
end of an era review extravaganza house cup 2011
Forum Name: AditiDraco95
House: SLYTHERINAuthor's Response: Hey AD!
Thanks so much, this is quite an old piece of mine (I actually have trouble remembering what it's even about, that's how old it is), but I'm glad you liked it. It was my first foray into second person (and my more recent attempts have yet to be posted, if ever). It was inspired by a challenge, and it just...ended up in 2nd POV. It was a challenge, and I'm glad you liked it.
Thanks so much for taking the time to review :)
-Giola Report Review
This was really strange to read, just because of the narrative that I've never actually read before. That being said, I like strange. There are a few grammar issues you might want to get a beta to look at, and you need to distinguish more thoroughly between your paragraphs.
I love the jumpy narrative between three defining moments in Lily's life, although I don't like how callous Snape is in the end: mostly because it seems slightly uncanon.
For your first attempt at writing like this, it's gone really well! I couldn't imagine writing a story in second person, but for one-shots you've proved it can be done well :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for getting this done so quickly!!!
And I'm currently posting a beta wanted form, so hopefully those grammar issues will disappear soon.
I think there's also some formatting issues, my laptop doesn't really like submitting docs on hpff so I'll fix that too.
And Snape's character seemed odd to me, I think I just got lazy and let it pass :P That will also (hopefully) be helped by a beta.
Thank you so much! I was very, very afraid when posting this since its in second person.so I'm glad you like it (even if it is strange :P)
- Julia Report Review
I really like how you described Lily and Severus' relationship. How she was blind to what his true intentions were, how she kind-of sort-of forgave him but was still angry, and how she was still loyal to him (or at least to who he used to be, I guess) when she wore her lily necklace.
I personally thought the middle part of "Lily Potter, 3 August 1979" jumped ahead too far. It would have been nice to read about what became of Lily and Severus and Lily and Potter. But it was really powerful when you said that the reason Lily had fallen for Potter was that she had stopped running from him---whereas in contrast, things hadn't worked out with Severus because (i assume) she was still running from him (like when he tried to kiss her. Eek! Poor Sev!)
This was really great, loved it!! keep writing!Author's Response: thank you so much for the review!!!
I'll think about adding some more in.I did actually consider it when I was writing it, I guess I was just lazy and decided to skip :P I was contemplating putting in her first date with James, maybe graduation and possibly James' proposal.so we'll see.
And your assessment of why things didn't work out with Sev is exactly right. With James, Lily learnt to stop running. With Sev, she never used to run from him but then started to.
Anyway.massive thanks for the review!!! I'm glad you liked it :) Report Review
Oh my gosh! I've read several of your stories and they're all great, but this tops them all.That is such a sweet/touching/amazing story!!! Lily always seemed too nice to completely just hate Severus so the necklace part seemed fitting. I loved this story!!!
10/10Author's Response: Oh thank you so much!!
I'm glad you liked it, it's definitely the piece I feel most proud of :D
(p.s. there should be a new story popping up soon...ish...it's currently being beta'd. and a new chapter of reality is in the queue if you read that :P)
thank you so much!! Report Review
awe, that was sad but pretty.
I love that you blame nargles for writing in second person
it's been a long time since i read a story in second person, it was a little strange but i liked it!Author's Response: aw thanks :)
Yeah, I must agree that it is a strange piece. I quite like second person, not that I read a lot of it. Something about it just seemed to grab me for this!
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
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