Reading Reviews for Severed
  
37 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Hayley Remus Lupin II

18th June 2012:
I really hope she's rushing to see Regulus! Please update soon!

Author's Response: We'll have to wait and see... :) hehe. There should be an update soon! I've been such a slacker lately, I need to get up more chappies.

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Review #2, by padmoonyfoot7 Remus Lupin

5th March 2012:
cool story!!
I feel really bad for Remus, though.
I mean, he's so nice, but it's like she doesn't love him!!
But I think that she just needs a little time to think about what she really wants, and hopefully that will take her in the right direction.
Keep up the good work!!

padmoonyfoot7: over and out!!

Author's Response: Thank you! Yeah you really can't help but feel bad for the poor guy, but Troian isn't exactly having a walk in the park either... Hopefully she'll be taken in the right direction :)

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Review #3, by Fawkes_the_Pheonix Regulus Black

4th March 2012:
Hello!
I thought it was cool how you so efforlessly slipped into Regulus' dream so that I didn't realize it was a dream until you had him wake up. Her thoughts at the end of the chapter were also quite illuminating. I enjoyed this chapter. Thanks!
-Fakes
P.S.- Read my fictions!

Author's Response: Thank you for the reviews! I'll be sure to check out your stories as well! :)

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Review #4, by Fawkes_the_Pheonix Troian Peverell

4th March 2012:
Hello!
I liked the story so far. I can already see the lines of the love triangle. So far I like your heroine. Could I ask how you came up with her name? I have never heard any name like that before, but I think it is interesting. Thanks! Oh, and congratualations on third place in my competition! Thanks again!
-Fawkes
P.S.- Read my stories!

Author's Response: Thank you for creating the challenge! I had a lot of fun writing my one-shot for it :) And I actually thought up the name Troian (pronounced Troy-in) after watching Pretty Little Liars. The actress who plays Spencer Hastings is named Troian and I thought it was such a cool name :)

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Review #5, by Lady in Waiting Remus Lupin II

3rd January 2012:
Oh. My. God. Do you realise that this is EXACTLY the kind of thing I've been looking for?! This is brilliant. Like actually fabby. I adore love triangles and I love fics that have normal OCs who get confused and feel guilty and don't have special powers or every male character chasing after them, so troian works for me. I also really like how youve portrayed regulus because I've never really imagined him to be horrible/evil and this is exactly how I would have written him myself.
Also I really liked the snitch bit and that fight between Sirius and regulus.
Please oh please oh please update ASAP!!!

Author's Response: Oh thank you so so much! This story is actually one that I was looking for, so I decided that I'd add it for those who were looking along with me :) I liked the fight scene as well, it was fun to write, honestly. I always have so much pent up anger for my sibling, so it felt good to write a "brother" fight, ya know? An update will be coming soon! Thanks again! :)

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Review #6, by melody Remus Lupin II

24th December 2011:
i love the story so far , and i hope that when reg tells her about the mark she understands, anyways m rooting for reg :) cant wait for more

Author's Response: thank you for reading and reviewing! more will be coming after the queue reopens :)

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Review #7, by The Last Marauder Regulus Black II

23rd December 2011:
This chapter was good. I liked how you showed how conflicted Troian is over which boy she likes best. I can see Remus's jealousy creeping in, which is good, obviously he should start to sense that something is going on. I am also glad that Troian is now realising that she has to break it off with one of the boys, I'm glad that she won't continue to toy with the emotions of both. I wonder which one she will pick now??

Again the spelling, punctuation and grammar were perfect. It flowed really well, and in terms of writing ability I think you are improving with each chapter, which is really good to see. So all I can say is well done on your story so far.

Author's Response: Which one WILL she pick? That's the big question at this point, I suppose. I didn't want to write a bunch of chapters of her just going back and forth between the two boys, plus I don't think her conscience could handle all of the sneaking around. She's not such a bad person, I swear! I'm glad that I'm improving with each chapter. I've heard that from a few other reviewers so it's reassuring.

Thank you for taking the time to read and leave reviews for this story! I really appreciate it!


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Review #8, by The Last Marauder Troian Peverell II

23rd December 2011:
Em... if I am perfectly honest this chapter made me uneasy, mostly again it had to with Remus's request for Troian to sleep with him. But apart from that, it was fine, flowed well, all the spelling, grammar and punctuation were perfect. I really liked how you showed Regulus lying about the fact that he liked Troian, because he knew she had a boyfriend. It shows a decent side to him, the same decent side that will emerge years later when he will turn on Voldemort after the Dark Lord tortured Kreacher at the lake.

What's the "Head's dorm", by the way??? I've never heard of it.

But other than the uneasness, this chapter was grand.

Author's Response: I'm glad that you're being honest! And I'm so glad that you're finding these chapters to be "grand", it's awesome! I think that you'll find Remus' request a bit... well, not so bad once you read on. I don't want to spoil it, so I won't say much more than that. You'll just have to trust me haha

Thank you!


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Review #9, by The Last Marauder Remus Lupin

23rd December 2011:
Again, this chapter was very good. You built up the tension of the love triangle well. I really liked the part from Lupin's point of view, how he felt betrayed and angry. I also really liked the guilt he felt and fact that the paper full of potions notes was taunting him, that was very good. I also liked how he refued to believe the rumours until he saw proof. As JKR said, Lupin's flaw is that he is so rarely liked in life and he likes to be liked, and as such cuts people a lot of slack.

And again, spelling, grammar, punctuation and flow were grand, no problems there.

Just a few things to point out:

This line: "She moved into Remus, wrapping her free hand around his arm", I don't think into is the right word, I'd go with to moved "towards" Remus or she moved "over to" Remus. I don't think into is right, because it's not as though she is going inside him, you know?

There is also a slight typo here: "His knuckled were turning white" - it should be knuckleS, drop the d and replace it with an s.

Also, now this is just my opinion, so you can ignore it, but I don't think that Lupin would pressure a girl to sleep with him. I just thinks that is a bit out of character. I know he wants proof that Troian loves him, but even still I don't think he would pressure a girl like that. He's a decent and extremely careful character, he constantly puts overs above himself (we see this when he rejects Tonks because he is too old, too poor and too dangerous). This is just my opinion here, you don't have to agree with me at all, I'm just one person, but one opinion.

Regardless, this was a good chapter, it flowed so well. Well done.

Author's Response: Ah, yes, Lupin pressuring Troian... I sort of wanted to stress just how paranoid he was becoming of the rumors he was hearing. They were beginning to drive him a bit out of character, so this was my way of showing this change. I do agree with you that it is quite out of character of Remus, but I had to add a little "umph" to get the story going.

Thanks!


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Review #10, by The Last Marauder Regulus Black

23rd December 2011:
Again this chapter was very good; spelling, grammar and punctuation were perfect, and there were no issues with regards to points of view here, so well done on that front.

You build up the conflict inside Troian herself well, she is starting to become divided between both boys, she clearly likes both, even if she still does not realise that she does have feelings for Regulus.

There are just two little things I want to point out:

I should point out that in the Harry Potter books, James was a Chaser, JKR said he was a Chaser, the films made him a seeker though, and I know in book five he steals a Snitch and plays with it, but the position he played on the Gryffindor Quidditch team (according to JKR and the books) is Chaser.

Also, this line doesn't make sense: "He felt his shoulder merge into a smaller force", I merge means join together inseparately, I think what you mean its, "He felt his shoulder BUMP INTO or HIT or KNOCK INTO or STRIKE a smaller force". I don't think merge is the right word in this context.

But overall, this chapter was very good, it was interesting and read well. I am interested where you are going with this pot and I look forward to reading the next chapter now.

Author's Response: Thank you for the kind review! I'm glad that you're getting into the story now :) That one sentence you pointed out did feel a bit weird to write, but I didn't really feel like changing it (I get lazy sometimes haha). Perhaps I'll change the James being a Seeker thing, although I don't find that it's a huge change to the story (I didn't even know that he wasn't a Seeker, so thanks for letting me know!). Thank you so much for reviewing!

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Review #11, by The Last Marauder Troian Peverell

23rd December 2011:
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review!

Overall, I thought this chapter was very good! You set up the sort of love triangle between Troian, Lupin and Regulus well and the plot definitely seems interesting, you grab the reader with the prospect of the love triangle, and we clearly see that Troian is loyal to Lupin, but at the same time she has feelings for Regulus. I also think you characterised Sirius well; you see him being protective of his friend (Lupin) and at the same time you showed his dislike of his brother. You also captured his egotism well too; how he is taken a back at someone liking Regulus over him.

The story flowed reasonably well, there were no typos or spelling mistakes or bad-grammar, which is great. There are things I want to point out though, the main thing being point of view. This chapter is from the point of view of Troian, yet, twice you switch point of view to another character. We get narratation from Troian in the library, then suddenly Sirius is switched into the role of narrator in these lines:

"Surely she didn't truly like Regulus more than me, he thought carefully as he made his way through the corridor. She had chosen Remus over me. And now she was choosing Regulus over me as well?"

Then suddenly you switch back to Troian's point of view. This does not really work. You should either delete that piece from Sirius's point of view, or you should insert those three stars *** or a line-break before and after that switch of narration, to highlight how it is a switch of narration.

We also get another switch of point of view to Regulus in these lines:

"Troian, I'm sorry," Regulus called down the corridor after the thin brunette."

You should remember that at this point of the story, Troian is the narrator, we are seeing things from her point of view and she would not refer to herself as "the thin brunette", so you should change that to:

"Troian, I'm sorry," Regulus called down the corridor after her.

Also, in relation to this point of view issue, the first line-break (technically, it's the second line-break, but I'm not counting the line-break after the chapter image) does not make sense in your story. You use a single line or three stars (***) to denote a change of point of view, or a sudden change in setting or a sudden change of time. The line-break would make sense if after the line-break the characters were suddenly in the Gryffindor common room or something. But there is not a change of setting or time, you tells us that Troian gathers her books and leaves the library for the corridor, this explanation suffices the transition from one setting to the next, you don't need to add a line-break. So I think you should remove the line, because there is no change after the line-bleak, the story just continues from the last sentence before the line-break. Your second line-break is fine though, it is used correctly, as we have a change of both time and setting, as we switch from Troian and Regulus in the corridor to Troian and Lupin and co in the common room.

Also one last thing, this line: "Troian greeted her house's Head Boy and boyfriend, Remus Lupin." What do you mean by her "house's Head Boy"?? Remus was a prefect, not Head Boy or a house Head-Boy. James was the one who was Head Boy, not Remus, Remus was just a prefect.

If you fix the point of view issue, this story will flow much better. Overall, it was very good, characterisation was solid, as were the mechanics. With regards to the story as a whole, WELL DONE and I look forward to chapter two!

Author's Response: Hello, and thank you for reviewing! I don't like that little snippet of Sirius' thoughts, so I'm pretty sure I'm just going to cut it from the chapter altogether. And the first line break will be fixed as well, thanks for pointing it out. I sort of went a bit out of canon with the Remus as Head Boy thing (Sorry!) I think that when I began writing this I didn't realize that James was Head Boy, but this is just about the only non-canon aspect of the story, and frankly it doesn't really change much.

Once again, thank you for reviewing and I'm looking forward to your next review! :)


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Review #12, by Myriad Regulus Black II

22nd December 2011:
I love your descriptions. They’ve been excellent throughout the entire story.

The whole scene in the girl’s dorms with Troian roommates was very well done. It can be hard to write dialogue between multiple characters and you’ve done well with it.

“…blond-haired Black.” I like this line.

HE’S A DEATH EATER!!! I know it’s canon but I have to say, I did not see that coming.

“… caused the blond Seeker squint…” caused him to squint. Minor typo.

I wonder how Regulus know that Remus is a Werewolf (I’m assuming he knows since he called him a half-breed).

I loved the scene in the locker room as well. Also very well done.

Awesome chapter! I love this story to pieces and I will definitely continue reading it. Your characterization, like I’ve said before, is excellent. You’ve got very few minor problems with flow but the further in you get the better it gets. I think once you found the voice and style you were going to use for this you’ve got much stronger. Again, absolutely no problems with clarity at all, you’re doing a really good job.

Author's Response: You really didn't see the Death Eater part coming? haha Well I'm glad I was able to add an element of surprise (whether it was intentional or not). I'm so glad that you love my story! It makes me feel so good haha I absolutely love you for leaving these helpful and insightful reviews! I will definitely take your advice when re-doing a few of these chapters. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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Review #13, by Myriad Troian Peverell II

22nd December 2011:
I find it odd that Troian would have immediately thought of the dream Regulus was having when she woke him up. Regulus never told her what he was dreaming, so it just seems sort of odd that she would think of it.

Again, good job with Remus and with Regulus. I loved Remus’ reaction when he saw Troian with Regulus in the halls and love Regulus reaction to Troian asking him if he fancies her. You’re characterization really is very well done.

This is a really good story; you’re doing an excellent job. I feel bad that I don’t have more to say on this chapter but that’s a good thing because there wasn’t much wrong. Your characterization is really good, and your flow too gets better and better each chapter as you find and get into the voice and style of the story. You have no problems with clarity at all.

Author's Response: Hi! To start, I think that I might have written the "dream" part a bit differently than I wanted it to sound... It was supposed to be more of the weird face that Regulus was pulling that made Troian suspicious, not that she knew what his dream had been.
I'm glad that my characterization has picked up as I continued writing, I definitely like the later chapters more than my first few. Thank you for taking time to read this, I appreciate it!


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Review #14, by Myriad Remus Lupin

22nd December 2011:
“They had found an empty stretch of bleachers to adequately fit their group and took their seats excitedly.” I would drop the ‘to adequately fit their group’ part.

I love Remus in this. I just love how he always seems like he’s a bit surprised Troian is with him.

I like Sirius in this chapter a lot too. I would like to see more of the history (because I feel like there is some history) between Troian and Sirius. I see that he either likes her or is trying to sabotage her relationship with Remus, I just don’t know which or why.

“I gave it to Troian to wear, seeing as she didn’t have anything yellow or black on before the match,” This reads a bit wordy and takes away from the flow a bit.

“ecstatic that his girlfriend now a fan of the sport.” Maybe ‘ecstatic that his girlfriend was now a fan of the sport’?

“…the boy they had been watching…” should it be ‘the boy she had been watching’? I didn’t get the feeling that Sirius and Remus were paying quite as much attention to Regulus as Troian was. I like that you never come right out and say it’s Regulus. It’s implied very well.

I love Remus in this. You’ve done a great job with him. He’s upset and let down about Troian and Regulus, but he remains logical and smart about it as well. Well done.

“…she might come off as very standoffish.” I would reword this somehow. It just reads a bit funny.

I really like the end. I was a bit surprised that Remus would ask considering he has previously been sort of shy and nervous, but I like that Troian loves him and I like that you gave her reasons for agreeing. Good job handling that.

Again, your flow continues to be mostly good, and your characterization is excellent. I really like this story and you’re doing a good job with it.

Author's Response: Hi again! I must say that I have a bad habit of not proof-reading my chapters before submitting them, so that's where the typos come from. And I need to cut down on some unnecessary wording, so I'll get to that eventually. I'm glad that you're enjoying the story so far and I look forward to more of your reviews, they are very helpful! Thank you!

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Review #15, by Myriad Regulus Black

21st December 2011:
I like Remus’ nervousness when Troian surprises him in the Great Hall. It strikes me as very him. Remus’ character, like Sirius’, seems a bit on the flat side, but again I think he’ll flesh out the more we see him.

“Wait, do hats have lives?” This line detracts from your flow quite a bit. I would drop it.

Good job with the dream, though it was a bit obvious that it was going to be a dream.

This is a very short chapter and it definitely lacks because of that, however you flow continues to be good and you’re doing a good job with characterization. I would consider adding something more about Troian’s relationship with Remus. Right now it doesn’t really seem like they are more than friends with the way he’s always talking about school and her being Head Girl.

I really like what your doing with Regulus. You're doing a very good job with his character.

Author's Response: Hi again! I'm so glad that you think I'm doing a good job with Regulus, I wrote this whole story just for him! He is absolutely my favorite HP character and I'm so saddened by the lack of stories about him here.

Anywho, I want to go back and redo a bit of each chapter, so it's nice that you're showing me what I need to work on. I really appreciate you taking time to review, so once again, thank you!


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Review #16, by Myriad Troian Peverell

21st December 2011:
Your flow is really good until the paragraph starting in “surely she didn’t really like Regulus more than me.” It’s the italics. The way they are placed it looks like the flashback is over and its back to present day but then you’ve italicized Sirius’ actions and we realize it is still flashback. Consider reversing this or indicating in some other way that the flashback has not ended. I found his thoughts there a bit confusing as well. I take it there is some sort of history between them but this is not supported anywhere in the rest of the chapter.

Excellent job handling the flash back though, I love that you’ve not labeled it as a flashback as that would have taken away from the flow and read very awkwardly.

“After an hour of reading through her books she…” consider dropping ‘through her books’ That sentence reads a bit wordy.

“She whipped around to see him barrel into a third year Hufflepuff, spilling her books on the smooth castle floor.” This sentence reads a bit wordy too and in my opinion detracts from the flow.

It also seems to me that Troian was too quick to forgive Regulus for his comments about her and Remus. It just seems like one minute she’s angry and the next all is forgotten. If there is a specific reason she was able to forgive and forget so easily perhaps adding something in there about that would be helpful or maybe just adding some other kind of insight to her thoughts at the time.

I love that little moment between Troian and Regulus. Absolutely beautifully done.

Excellent job with James.

You’ve basically got very good flow. There are a few places here and there where it gets a bit bogged down but it’s quite minor and I’ve pointed them out above. Your characterization is great. James is perfect. Troian is shaping up nicely as well and you’re doing a nice job steering her away from Mary-Sue land. Sirius strikes me as a bit sinister in this but you’ve done it in a way that makes sense. I get the feeling your using his hatred of the Slytherins, contempt for his family and loyalty to his friends to make him that way. His character does seem a bit flat right now but I suspect he will flesh out the more we see him.

Overall, good job!

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I really didn't like my first chapter here, especially the beginning. I want to go back to fix it, but I didn't really know how to start, so thank you for giving me some direction with that! I'm so used to adding more and more unnecessary words in my writing because of school and page requirements haha I forget that I don't need a certain amount of words to publish a chapter on here. I was originally going to have this story only be about 8 chapters long, but now I'm sort of stretching it out so I supposed I should go back and add a bit more characterization to everyone. Thank you for the review, again!

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Review #17, by vi Regulus Black II

18th December 2011:
Wow! I really love this story. It's one of the best Regulus/OC stories I've read. Please Update ASAP

Author's Response: Oh wow thank you so much! I actually JUST put the next chapter in the queue so hopefully it'll be up in the next few days, so check back soon! Thanks for reading :)

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Review #18, by iwishiwasthemoon Regulus Black II

24th October 2011:
so I'm eagerly awaiting an update haha...please update soon! I wanna see what Reg and Troy do next!

Author's Response: oh thanks for reading and reviewing! I'm so behind on updating, I'm sorry! school will be ending shortly and then I'll have a few more chapters up around the holidays :)

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Review #19, by ??? Regulus Black II

18th September 2011:
YAY REG/TROY...update soon!

Author's Response: I know! Isn't it exciting? haha an update will be coming in the next few weeks or so! Thanks for reading and reviewing, I appreciate it!

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Review #20, by hpluvr Regulus Black II

3rd September 2011:
Yes, I read this chapter a few times! haha it was just so great, and the Reg/Troy action was epic! I must see what happens next!

Author's Response: Aww thank you so much! I'm so grateful of your many (lovely) reviews! The next chapter will be in the queue soon, don't you worry :)

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Review #21, by padfootforeveryoung Regulus Black II

30th August 2011:
I love this story so far! I can't wait to see what happens next, and hopefully to see some more Reg/Troy moments. I hope you update soon!!

Author's Response: yay I love reviews! and yours is so nice :) I'm trying my hardest to update soon, school has just started so it'll be tough but I'm gonna try to get out another chapter or two before my work starts piling up

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Review #22, by Hayley Regulus Black II

22nd August 2011:
SQUEAL! Reg/Troy! :) Great chapter! I can't wait to see another Reg/Troy moment! Update soon!

Author's Response: I know! It was about time, right? hehe Well thank you for the lovely review and we'll see about another Reg/Troy moment ;)

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Review #23, by ??? Troian Peverell II

2nd August 2011:
I'm dying for an update, and I really want to see Troian/Regulus action ;)

Author's Response: An update will be coming soon, I promise! And about that action... well, we'll see ;) hehehe

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Review #24, by Melody_07 Troian Peverell II

28th July 2011:
ah missed this story!:)

Author's Response: As malevolent as this sounds, I'm glad you missed it hehe A new update should be coming up shortly, thanks for reading and reviewing!

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Review #25, by hpluvr Troian Peverell II

26th July 2011:
Another great chapter! I am so happy I found this story, and I can't wait for the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you for your multiple lovely reviews! They really make my day hehe. And yes, next chapter should be very interesting, a lot happens that's very wild.

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