AWESOME!!! I loved it - especially the way you describe every fine detail in this amazing story!! The dramatic irony when the initials came out.I was like screaming at the computer by then. I completely empathaise with the complete school pile on, I never achieved that sadly, though I would've very much liked that to happen ;) The sadness in this chapter, but it's such a memorable story with such complex, interesting and awesome plot lines. I don't have any idea how you wrote so much about the Welsh Holiday...the legend about the Merlin thing was extremely cool and very believable - is it actually true? I love the way you write their innocence and complete seriousness as they talk about the grand plan. It's very cute, and I shall be sad to see this story go, like I'm sure many others will be too! FAVOURITE WORD: smushing - "smushing my face on his shoulder". Awesome! :D Report Review
Hello, I'm here for the review battle!
I'm so glad I've stumbled upon this story because there aren't enough stories about children around here! And that's sad because they're always fun to read about, the way they're -mostly- outgoing and how to them the options are limitless. And I think you've shown that very well here and I am intrigued to see all the things they'll get to do!
I really liked the tone of the chapter. It gave Lily a distinctive voice, especially the way there were labels for everyone. What I also think is admirable is how calculated everything is! I would die if I had to chronologically arrange the Weasley family members leaving off to Hogwarts, but you've done a great job at it. Being told by Lily how each 'dropping off' was helped me understand a little better why she and Hugo would want to make the most of their last year before Hogwarts; they know what to expect once they get there.
I'm really hoping I'll get the time to see where this goes because it really does seem very interesting and exciting!
-MannoAuthor's Response: Hi there! :D
I always find it so sad that there are few pre-Hogwarts stories too, and even then, they're mostly pretty patronising. I remember not being at secondary school and feeling I could do anything, and I wanted to make them more real!
Aw thankyou! Yes, I liked a lot of labelling myself then (still do, really) and I think with that many cousins it'd sort of be necessary :P haha arranging all the cousins was a bit hard, but I just went with what my headcanon was for the time and hoped for the best lol.
I'm glad that it's helped you to see why Lily and Hugo are desperate to have a good year! I did want to show why they're so into planning and why it means so much, and her cousins have had so much of a big impact on her life that they're both feeling that they need to make it rememberable.
Thank you so much for your lovely review! :)
~TGK Report Review
Just want to tell you first off that you're freaking amazing at writing little kids.
A lot of times we see nine, ten, and eleven year olds portrayed as stupid, scared, and timid. But I remember when I was nine, ten, and eleven, and I know for a fact that most of us weren't like that. It's nice to have younger kids portrayed correctly for once.
I'm not saying that some younger kids are actually timid and stuff, but yeah, most aren't.
I think this is a really great plot. I've never seen this idea been done before. It's really original, and I like that.
So basically I really love your story, and I'm going to read the rest of it now. So, yeah. I'll be off now.
~Elle :)Author's Response: Ahha thankyou so much! I definitely agree about the portrayal of younger kids, because it was one of the things that made me want to write TLB in the first place. I definitely wasn't stupid and scared as a ten-year-old and if there's so much mischief at Hogwarts, I want to start it now ;)
Hehe thankyou so much! I've never really seen younger next-gen so it's a lot of fun getting to write them how I want to without having to avoid cliches :D
Aww thankyou so much for this lovely review! :D Report Review
Awesome chapter (as per usual) and as you know, I love love love love love love love love love love love this story!! (That's a lot of love). Such an inventive perspective on little Lily and Hugo, it's creative and original the way you portrayed them and great fun for us readers to read! Your plots and plans are relatable for all people to think back to their own mischief making days, and it's truly heart warming and extrodinarily unique and memorable. it stands out, and I would like to see a lot more of this standard of awesomeness! A tank you very much TGK for another wunder bar story!! :DAuthor's Response: Eeep thankyou so, so much!! I do love to hear your love because it makes me feel loved :D I'm really glad you like to read them pre-Hogwarts - and that they're good fun to read and all, since some people have said they're not as relatable since they're so young. I'm glad that you like their plotting and planning too, I'd have loved to be this devious when I was ten :') I'm so glad you liked it; thank you so much for such a heartwarming review! :D Report Review
I'm here from the HPFF forums! :)
This was a lovely and sweet beginning to the story. You characterized young Lily very well, despite the lack of information we receive about her in the books. The way you wrote this was very effective in portraying her age and maturity level, it really did seem like it was coming from the mind of a 10 year old. I like how you took us through a quick background of the past and her feelings on all her cousins leaving. It was a nice way to inform the reader and set up for the story's premise.
There were a few things I noted that I thought I should point out to you. First of all, I'm not sure if this a typo or not, but the 3rd paragraph says: "Like I say, it didn't worry me at first." Should this be "like I said", rather than "say"? The switch in tense just sounds a bit awkward and made me as the reader stop in confusion. I noticed a switch in tense near the end as well: "I said to Hugo". I understand that most of the chapter is written about past events and therefore is in the past tense, but I noticed when you weren't describing past events you were using the present tense. It's not wise to skip around in tenses, as it trips up the reader and can get messy to read. Also, the wording of the fourth paragraph ("When I was one...") was definitely a bit confusing. I understood what you were trying to say, but it wasn't clear at first and I had to reread it several times to understand.
Lastly is just a few general tips. Try to limit your use of commas. When proof reading your work, look at your commas and think "is this pause really necessary?" Oftentimes you'll find that a sentence sounds just fine without the comma. Unnecessary comma usage makes the writing cluttered and can turn off the reader. Also, try to vary your sentence length. This ties in with commas well, instead of inserting too many commas in a longer sentence, try breaking it up into several shorter sentences! Long sentences are okay, but you should switch it up a bit and add some variation. It will make your writing more interesting to read.
Technical issues aside, I think this is a good start to the story. :) You've laid out an interesting beginning that doesn't give too much away about what's to come, leaving the reader wanting to know more. Your characterization of Lily seems unique and enticing. If I had any suggestions at all, I'd say maybe add a bit more about Hugo.
Nice job. :)
-BriAuthor's Response: Hi there! :)
Hehe thanks! I'm never really sure about this slow introduction, but since the theme of the story is that she's a ten-year-old trying to decide how to make the best of her 'abandonment', I'm just glad it comes across okay! Also, I'm really glad that you think I captured her age alright, since that can be difficult at times.
Ahhh, I'm such a failure at tenses! Thankyou for pointing these things out; I just tend to forget where I am and mess it up. You're right, of course, and I do want to try to keep a nice flow, since it's something that's so important to me when I read other people's work. Thankyou!
Oh dear, I abuse commas so much! Thankyou for the tips, I think commas/sentence structure are definitely something I need to work on, and clearing up the technicalities seems like something that I really need to do :)
Hehe thanks, I'm glad you like it. I was hoping that it would be an enticing prologue, since I wrote it almost accidentally and then wanted to know what happened myself! Thankyou for everything :D
~Lottie Report Review
It may be a filler, but it was still a good chapter!
I liked it and I hope to see the next one soon :)Author's Response: Hehe thankyou! I'm really glad you liked it :D Eh, I'm attempting to work on the next one - it doesn't like me much at the minute though! ;) Report Review
This looks like it'll be an awesome storyAuthor's Response: Haha thankyou! I really hope it lives up to your expectations :D Report Review
Wow, these children are so cute :3 And fascinating, and /real/. I love their treehouse. I want to move into it with them and have a grand plan and BE IN THIS STORY! It is that kind of story.
Breeding Kneazles! Bahaha ;) Needed to say that.
I love how organised Lily is. She reminds me of myself a little. But less freakish.
-Annon xoxAuthor's Response: Hehe thankyou! Ooh Lily and Hugo feel very flattered now. Aww that is a very good idea, and I'm so happy you want to be in it, it means I am on the right track with my style and such - hehe!
Haha yep I wanted to get knewzles in SOMEHOW ;D And yeah, Lily reminds me of myself too, with her organisation skills and fiestiness - just in a cooler position and having wars and such!
THANKYOU :D Report Review
Aww I am really loving this! I completely and utterly love the way you portray Lily - you write her almost exactly the same way as I do so I just love reading her the way I think she should be :D
I love their cute little family Christmas too, and Albus' sneaky prank. I like that Albus can have some fun as well, seeing as he is normally all bookish and serious. Please update soon! I can't wait to see what happens with the Weasleys and what Lily and Hugo will do about the Finnigans. I give you a definite 10/10.Author's Response: Aww thankyou! I can't imagine Lily any other way, she's always seemed to fiesty to me and I'm glad you like her that way too :)
Hehe, thankyou! I always thought that the Potters would have the cutest Christmases ever, and definitely agree that Albus shouldn't always be so bookish - he's Ginny's son too! I love writing the Weasleys, and the Finnigans are going to pop up again soon ;) Report Review
haha, i really liked your story! it's fun! and finnaly I found one where Lily and Hugo are together, having fun (I like the duo so mush!) because I'm sick of the 'Lily-the-anti-social-girl' and the 'Hugo-is-a-squib/talentless' stories, they are so. wrong. but yours isn't so keep updating :D
greetings from BelgiumAuthor's Response: Hehe thankyou! I know, I was so fed up of serious or silly next-gens about them, and just thought about what they would probably be like :) Hehe thankyou!
Greetings from Britain! Report Review
I feel like I've never stumbled across your authors page before, because otherwise I would have snapped at reading this a long time ago. Mostly, because it seems so orginall and fresh and EXCITING but also because reading about ten year olds is really really cute.
I love the title and I thought you caputured Lily's voice really well - it had a young-ish tone to it, which means I can fully believe that it was coming straight from little-Lily's head.
It was very introduction-y, which is not a bad thing for a prologue and I thought you added enough wit and humour in there for me to just love it and drool and such. The only thing I would say is that, in my personal and humble opinion, it always flows better in writing when you write out numbers as words. 'Two' instead of '2' - I realise that's a stupid nitpicky thing, but I feel the need to offer something constructive
(all these review requests, they're getting to me!)
Anyway, lovely start :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Ah thankyou! I love writing as a ten-year-old, I don't know why it isn't done more, because it is so much fun!
Thankyou! I do try to write it as her, which can be difficult on occasion, but I'm glad you think it works! And also I love the title too, if it doesn't sound weird? :D
Oh good, I'm very glad it was an okay mixture. But I am very much in agreement about that, and I have gone back to edit it :D Haha no, thankyou for all the help in your lovely review!
~TGK Report Review
Why helloo a girl with a plan!
'I was free – and the plan must be started!'
I absolutely love Lily's character! She's fun, and adventurous, and determined.
There is a kind of...young, sweet tone to this whole story so far, that really suits it. It's a lovely, flwing writing style and I think you've improved billions since the prologue.
~Annon xAuthor's Response: Haha! Thankyou so much :D
Aw thanks! I've enjoyed trying to write this way, and I'm glad you like it. Yes, definitely trying to improve :P Report Review
This was a very cute beginning to what looks like a promising story! I like the layout, and the whole 'when I was 9..' thing. It's a very unique way to write it, and really conveys just how long poor lily has been waiting for her chance to go to Hogwarts.
The only thing that didn't quite fit and seemed to shift around a bit was /why/ she was so sad. At one point I thought it was because she was 'losing' her family one by one, then I thought it was because she wanted to go, to have new things etc. It was just a little unclear.
I really DO love the idea though. I like Lily's character (what little of it we find out about in this prologue) and her comment to hugo! :D
LWG xAuthor's Response: Aw thankyou! I'm glad you liked it, and think that it works :D I was hoping for that effect, anyways.
Yeah, I can understand why that wasn't clear. Being a bit of both, I didn't get it across very well :P
Thankyou! I'm glad you liked her, I love writing Lily :) Report Review
Hello! I have to say, I think this is a really good idea. There are tons of stories examining the adventures of the Weasley grandchildren at Hogwarts, because there are so many possibilities. But it's never occurred to me that the youngest would have to send off cousin after cousin, every single year, with a mixture of envy and sadness. It's a good premise for a story.
So I don't expect you to run off and delete this chapter or anything, but I do feel the need to point out that you could probably have done without a prologue. As the story is focused on Lily and Hugo, it's not necessary to go through every single year that they sent off cousins, going into detail over every one. You could have achieved the same effect in a few paragraphs, and the reader would have felt sorry for the kids, etc etc, and you could've moved on to the real story far more quickly. That said, this was a quick chapter, and you kept the descriptions brief, so it wasn't like I was tearing my hair out with boredom. You did it quite well, but I wanted to point it out.
I have two nit-picky suggestions as well. First, it's a general grammar rule, as far as I know, that with numbers one to ten or one to twenty (depending on who you ask) you write out the actual numbers. After that, you use real numbers. Slapping a "1" in the middle of the text is a bit distracting, just as trying to write out one thousand nine hundred eighty-three is. So perhaps with Lily's ages it would be a good idea to write out those numbers. And second, when Lily spoke at the end, I got what she was saying and all, but it sounded a little too adult for a ten-year-old girl to say. "Intend to accomplish," "use as an advantage," and "raising hell," all jumped out at me in particular. I'd suggest taking a second look at that and using simpler words.
Sorry if that seems like two huge paragraphs of criticism, but really, they're just technical things. The writing itself was compelling, your characters are likable, and as I've already said, you've raised a good point about how the youngest feel left behind. Overall, it was a good chapter. Well done!Author's Response: Hi! Ahh thankyou, I always just wondered what it would be like for the two youngest of the clan, when everyone had gone off to Hogwarts. There are so many Hogwarts-era ones, aren't there? It would be hard for them to hear about the amazing stuff going on!
Thankyou, you are definitely right :/ A year on from starting this, I can see how it was un-needed and long-winded. I think I wanted to establish the ages of the cousins at the time, and to really show how abandoned they were, but it was kind of unnecessary to do so in such a blunt manner.
Argh! I'm not sure how I've managed to overlook this, you are right - it doesn't read well. Also, I agree with you about the little speech at the end; it's not very likely language for a ten-year-old to use!
Haha no, it didn't seem like that! It's very helpful, thankyou so much for taking the time to help me! Report Review
Hi :) I've just read all of your chapters so far and I have to say I really love this story! Lily and Hugo are two of my favourite characters - Lily especially - and I love their feud with the Finnigan children. Somehow I think it's not over and I can't wait to see what they come up with next.
The one bit that I really loved was when somebody - can't remember who - called Lily 'Lily-bear' because that is one of the nicknames I have for her in my story, quite by coincidence! So I think you have good taste in creating nicknames!
I'll look forward to your update :)Author's Response: Aw thankyou! I'm so glad you like them, and their antics. I'm looking forward to writing the next bits too ;) No, it's not over!
I think you have great nickname taste too! I love Lily-bear as a nickname, it just seems so very Lily-ish. :)
Hehe, thanks for sticking with me! :D Report Review
:( OH NO
I HOPE EVERYTHING TURNS OUT ALRIGHT
oh well, little prank wars tend to turn into something huge and drastic :( i hope that the finnigans haven't been killed by those fireworks! i guess lily and hugo should've known that by getting uncle george involved, something dangerous would happen, too. :/
they're going to be in such huge trouble now, i bet. ahhh. but all of their planning was really exciting to follow! :)
i despise audrey.
and that is all. :P
i hope you continue to update this story because it's definitely really entertaining!!! :D i've enjoyed it very, very much.
--winkyAuthor's Response: Yeah, it was always going to backfire at some point... No, it's not something that dangerous, fortunately. Yeah, WWW aren't for the faint-hearted!
Yeah, so much trouble! But I'm glad you liked the planning, it was a lot of fun!
Yes, she is horrible. Hehe, thankyou! I'm so glad you like it! Report Review
AHH PRANKING GALORE ♥ I LOVE IT.
they have such ingenious ideas!!! i wonder if when they go to hogwarts, they can be the next fred & george 8D this was seriously so entertaining and i was laughing so much as i read this. i think this was definitely my favorite chapter so far! :)
i like how you put that subtle bit where it says how Ginny always smiled at how lily stole brooms from the broom shed because ginny used to do that as a kid xD i loveee subtle hints like that!
can't wait to go on to the next chapter if there's more pranking involved! :D
--winkyAuthor's Response: Hehe, thanks!
I always thought they would be the new Twins! I'm so glad you liked it! I had a lot of fun writing, probably far too much ;)
Thanks! I'd been wanting to use it for ages, and I've been wondering if it's noticeable or not!
Yep, definitely more pranking! I'm so glad you liked! :) Report Review
AHHH FAMILY WARS. sounds so exciting! :D
i liked how when hugo and lily discuss the treehouse and their wood they are super passionate about it - i can definitely relate x] and ahaha a small lion!
lily and hugo are incredibly cute ajfldksjads. i hardly know what to do with myself now :3 this is the first story i've read when Lily and Hugo are in there pre-Hogwarts days, so it's a really light and refreshing read.
i'm not entirely sure why lily decided on quidditch, pets, and supplies to start out with. is this all part of some grand scheme that'll happen? or just things in general for them to focus on? maybe i just missed something when i was reading, though :P
overall a very entertaining chapter! :D
--winkyAuthor's Response: Hehe thanks! I always thought that they would go all protective on 'their place' :D I'm glad you can relate! It's what I wanted.
Haha thanks! I'm glad it's easy reading, and I always just felt sorry for them being the youngest, so I'm glad you like it :)
Lily just thought that those were the best ways of setting them up for Hogwarts, that's all, that's sort of a grand scheme to prepare themselves.
Thanks! :) Report Review
eek such a lovely chapter!
now that you've filled out the characters a bit more and everything the story is starting to build up nicely. :) i like how Hugo has Ron's sleeping habits; I could definitely see that happening! And the treehouse concept is so, so cute. it definitely holds lots of opportunities for exciting stories :D and lol the rite of entrance! i can totally remember doing things like that when i was little.
you mentioned in your author's note that you rambled a bit, and admittedly the flashbacks seemed kind of drawn out to me. if you want to end the chapter at a later place, you could end it after
"Let's go." We ran straight into the wood without looking back.
that's just my suggestion though :P feel free to disregard it.
anyways, i feel like you established lily's character pretty well in this chapter. i'm definitely enjoying this story! :3
--winkyAuthor's Response: Thanks!
Ooh that's good, and I love writing Hugo ;) he's such a half-and-half person! I'm glad you like the treehouse, not too cheesy I hope! Yeah, I'm trying to make it as believable as I can!
Yes, I definitely need to edit that! They were far too drawn-out to get the point across, and I think that's a great suggestion! I'll see how it could work :)
Thanks :) Report Review
why hello there, TGK! it's your secret santa from ravenclaw finally here to leave you reviews for the first gift. :)
i absolutely adore the concept you've got here. the "left-behinds" really fits lily's and hugo's situation perfectly. the premise of the story is really cute and promising, too - i think the way you've characterized lily is great. i'm excited to see what kind of things lily and hugo get up to. :D
onward to the next chapter! :3
;)Author's Response: Hehe hi! :)
Aw thanks! I'm glad you like it :3 Thanks, I had to work on her, and I'm glad you want to see what they do next! Report Review
I really like this, is so good. Need I say more, really gripping (apparently I do)Author's Response: Aww thankyou so much! Haha :) Report Review
Another great story, well I am judging this by the prologue so I guess i will say so far so good!
:-DAuthor's Response: Haha, thanks! Yeah please keep reading :D Report Review
Fantastic.Just amazing! Loved reading it so much. You ahve your own funny unique style of writing that is addictive. And I am certainly excited aboutthe next chapter!!:DAuthor's Response: Aw, thank you! I'm so glad you like it, and the next chapter will be epic! Report Review
Read this chapter loads now AND all my mates and my girl friends mates love it too!!I think your unique writing style is so non-put-downable and so real like it all actually happened. Thanks for writing such amazing stories and keep it up!:)Author's Response: Haha, thanks SG! I love my writing :D Keep on reading ;) Report Review
So unputdownable! I read it when I was eating my breakfast and got badly told off :) I love “I ALSO KNOW THAT I AM SICK OF HAVING TO APOLOGISE TO SEAMUS WHENEVER HE COMES AROUND TO FIND OUT WHY HIS KIDS HAVE COME HOME COVERED IN COW SHIT!”I want to put that on a t-shirt! I laughed for about 10 minutes solidly, no joke. Starting to hyperventilate now!! Love Hugo:) Plus, please write loads more because this is fantastic! How on earth can you write like this? Telling all my mates about this story:)Author's Response: Haha, thanks! I'm sorry you got told off for it, though I have to agree about the t-shirt now you've pointed it out ;D I'm so glad that you laugh so much for it, but keep breathing over there :D I will write more ASAP and I have more chapters for the queue as soon as it is possible! Also thankyou for the reccomandations - I'm just really glad you like it :) Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection