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Reading Reviews for Ma Grand Amour
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by schoenberg12 Alice

7th July 2011:
cute! a little fast! you could expand some things, describe things / conversations / passages of time in more detail. but i loved your treatment of femmeslash and sexual confusion! very nice

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Review #2, by notreallyblonde44 Alice

25th March 2011:
Hello Kattia! I'm finally here to do your last review ;) It's been a long time coming I know haha. I'm sorry :/ I love Gabrielle femmeslash so I'm definitely excited about this story. & Nice yippee!

Overall, this was a quick read and glimpse at a hot summer romance. I like the parts where Gabrielle questions herself and doesn't accept her feelings right away, but then eventually just kind-off rolls with her emotions and has fun for a week with Alice. While I would like to know more, as usual, about both characters, I think the glimpses you show are very nice. We see their connection as pretty ladies and more than friends as you described it ;)

A bit more dialogue to show the building of their relationship would have helped the reader see how Alice and Gabrielle felt for each other though. Maybe give us a glimpse of them sharing stories about themselves and really making their connection tangible to the reader would enhance this one-shot.

Some quick grammar, punctuation, etc things:
'She even was in my dream.' -dreams

In a few places there was a repetition of words like 'locked' that could be changed to give your diction a bit more spice. Choosing the perfect words makes all the difference in our writing ;)

LOL Alice was a specimen? When I see that word I think of dissection :P

Cherie doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, while I understand French, some of your readers might not haha and it might be helpful to translate some of the lines. Not all of them because I assume most people know Bonjoir, moi et toi, and the phrase 'Je suis', but maybe not everyone will know about desolee (missing accent I know, can't type in on here) et ma grand amour. Just a minor suggestion...

More thoughts:
So this piece really resonates with me because I've been to Nice and love French everything haha. The stone beaches are marvelous there, definitely a good vacation spot -even though it would be crowded with muggles all over the place (it's good that Gabrielle had a believable back-story for her schooling). The story-line is very believable and great.

I have a few concerns though with this piece: for the most part, the description wasn't what I was used to from you. All the bikinis blurred into each other (plus, I've never heard of sharing bikinis before haha) and the description wasn't as fluid, it was more jarring and forced. The biggest example is of the bikinis and the girl's appearances, those were all the description the reader got, nothing about what the beach looked like and the city of Nice itself or the girls interacting with each other on a deeper emotional level.

Also, where is Gabrielle's family? She's on a family vacation and no family is mentioned haha.

I like your selection and I think the distinctions in Alice and Gabrielle's orientation was nicely constructed and shown. This one-shot exemplifies a nice fling and fun summer moment...*misses heat*...and I can't believe this is my last review for you lol. It's been a great time reviewing all your work, I'll definitely check back here from time to time! *hugs*

Best,
Ellie

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Review #3, by CharlieDay Alice

20th March 2011:
I would firstly like to say that i love your stories, they are amazing! I notices only one or two bad things in this story and they were both basicly flow/grammar. The first is that the first few sentances didn't flow very well, such as 'I am part veela so everyone thinks that that means that I am some beautiful creature that anyone that stands next to me would look ugly' could be 'I am part veela, so everyone thinks i am aome beautiful creature, they think that everyone that stands next to me would look ugly.' Just my little input, also the bit where you described her hot-pink swimmers, you went into just a little bit to much detail. I think that the plot was very well written and believable 8/10
Charlie
xxx

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