THIS STORY IS AMAZING PLEASE UPDATE Report Review
ahh please update it ;) it's brilliant, have you finished Uni yet? I find the summer is a perfect opportunity to write, especially with the shit weather where I live. Report Review
Ok well wow, I am hooked now. I am such a history geek ^_^ I love how you've tied real war into this fan fiction, it feels like you can relate to it so much more. I'm looking forward to reading this :) I hope you keep up inspiration cause it's an amazing idea!! Report Review
Hello again! It's been a while, and I do apologize for that, but this damn thing known as life kept getting in the way... though it sounds like you're familiar with that from your author's note at the end of the chapter ;)
This was a good chapter. I loved the 'Frank' part at the beginning, and I think I'm going to start quoting that in conversation now, whenever someone says that they're being Frank, haha. The transition from explanation to story was good - I can see your skill increasing with each chapter, which is awesome. Expounding on Alyson was good, though I'm sensing a bit of backstory near her - after all, nobody is that much of a bitch naturally... or are they? Also, while I'm on the subject of Alyson, the part where she floored Fred was good, and I was glad to see that you weren't going to make her the cliche 'dead weight beauty queen'.
The interaction between everyone was excellent. While many authors struggle when their group of characters grows larger than three, you seem to be managing quite well. Everyone seemed to get time to speak, even when - in Neroli's case - this was through not speaking (if that makes any sense whatsoever). I admit that as your story began I was a bit concerned about the amount of description you have for each character - telling, rather than showing who they are - but I think you're managing it well and improving with each chapter.
The Dom/Neroli interaction was nice, in an awkward way. It seemed that Neroli was starting to open up a bit more just as they got interrupted, which was a bit unfortunate, but I think they'll become friends in the future. I can really see Neroli and Dom as friends, perhaps because they're so different yet similar. They remain my two favorite characters in your story so far, so pretty much anything involving them grabs my interest right off :D
As for the ending sequence, holy [censored]! The Ministry isn't messing around anymore! I assume there must be a lot of backstory going on here in order to make executing people on the spot legal in the span of a few days, and I'm excited to see how it all goes down. Also, I loved the varied reactions of everyone - again, you keep portraying them very well and very consistently (though, I don't think you mentioned Alyson's reaction - how does she feel about seeing a man murdered in front of her?). I loved the way Dom and James responded most, of course, probably because they were the most badass ;) But as I said, spot on with everyone else as well.
Oh, by the way? Chapter title was made of win. So much.
Not much to criticize in this one, though that may be due to the fact that it's currently so late at night that it's early, and I haven't slept in around forty hours >.< Oh yes, here's one thing: pretty sure it's Zabini, rather than Zambini, presuming Alyson is Blaise's daughter.
So I think maybe I gushed and fanboyed a bit much in this review, but in all honesty, it's too late to care, and your new chapter was great, a well-deserved 10/10. It's really nice to read an action/adventure next-gen story, they're far too rare - most next-gen seems to be Hogwarts-based romantic comedy and drama, which is far from my liking.
Speaking of action/adventure next-gen stories, I'm going to try writing my own novel-length next-gen story, though I don't know how it will turn out. I've had it outlined for ages, but I'm just now starting to actually write it out in its entirety. It's kind of a political thriller/action/adventure story. The reason I'm choosing to start it now is that Dropkick kind of... dropkicked me into gear (see what I did there? ;D).
And... you just read a shameless plug, and I'm starting to ramble. So I'll end this review now.
PS: My personal view on Osama Bin Laden's death is that President Obama is risking a lot on it if it is a conspiracy - his entire reputation. And though I'm not educated in the entire situation, I can only assume that proving he was alive after Obama claimed he was dead so stridently could only benefit Bin Laden, so chances are he's actually dead. I can't imagine Obama risking his political neck like that with only a year till elections.
On another note regarding his death, some people I talk to were mad that the men sent after Bin Laden killed him. They seem to think that killing is wrong, even during a war, even after the chance to surrender is given. I personally think that it's a nice ideal, but until everybody is willing to adhere to it, it's essentially meaningless. What are your thoughts on that? Report Review
The beginning of this chapter is one of the few times that telling instead of showing actually works. :) I really enjoyed your description of Dom's personality.
Your banner, title, and summary are all extremely mysterious and I couldn't help clicking on it. And I wasn't disappointed! I loved your word choice and it was all very clean which is nice to see. Yay! Now onward to the other chapters. :D Report Review
And the plot continues to thicken!
I like how this is developing. You're doing a great job of doling out little hints of what they're running from (the Animal Farm reference, the armbands, etc) without making it go too slow. It feels like the story is barreling along toward awesomeness, in the best possible way.
James certainly accepted Neroli's interpretation of her dream quickly - just a mark of how much he trusts her as a friend, I suppose. I liked the interaction between Dom and Neroli, it really seemed like their reactions to one another were spot on, what with Dom being a little dismissive of Neroli at first and becoming more interested as she remembers her as 'the Dreamer'. Also:
"I'm Dom, by the way."
"Not Dominique?" Neroli asked, curious.
I'm not entirely sure why, but I just liked this line. It felt very much like Dom; short and to-the-point, leaving no room for doubt.
Again, I envy your skills at bringing characters into stories. I fully admit that I am easily overwhelmed by large casts of characters, and most next-gen fics confuse the hell out of me, as they jump between every character the author can think of. You've done far better than that in this story so far, bringing characters in slowly enough that we can get to know them, and meanwhile introducing us to peripheral characters in the... periphery.
That said, I do have a few criticisms and suggestions. The first of which regards your POV. I can tell that you're still developing the 'voice' of the story, if you get what I mean, and I have a suggestion. In sequences like:
'"Sorry. I didn't mean to get like that." Dom said, calming down quickly. Veela can control the... I'll call it 'veela-ness' that shows. Being part veela, Dom couldn’t charm someone to their death, but emotions had the ability to turn her veela-ness onto full throttle. She smiled weakly. "I'm Dom, by the way."'
From 'Veela...' to '...full-throttle.' feels like it doesn't quite fit with the story. However, as this is supposed to be the narrator speaking, perhaps you could make this more clear, and separate this from the rest of your words, and word it in a less-neutral tone. Something like:
"Sorry. I didn't mean to get like that," Dom said, calming down quickly.
(pretend this paragraph is italicized, mmmkay? ;D)
You see, Veela can control their... 'Veela-ness', for lack of a better term. Part-Veela as she was, Dom had a weaker charm than a full Veela, but strong emotions always drew it to the surface at full-throttle.
"I'm Dom, by the way," she continued.'
I changed the wording just to give the narrator a bit more voice - remember, the narrator is a character who can be developed by displaying her views of others. I do, however, think that those litte 'explanation sections' ought to be separated somehow (a separate paragraph and italics was just my first thought).
Feel free to disregard all of this, of course, as it's only a suggestion. I think that your developing POV is really the main thing making your story 'good' rather than 'awesome', but I also think you'll get the hang of it with a bit more experimenting. Oh - and 'good' is still head and shoulders above 90% of everything else in the fandom, so please don't take offense at that.
In all honesty, Dropkick is the main reason I visit HPFF lately; there are so few action/adventure stories being written today. It seems almost every story is a romantically comedic high school love story set in Hogwarts, and honestly I don't enjoy those stories at all. Plus, I go to high school every day and I sure as hell don't want to come home and read stories about high school >.< So I just wanted to say I'm enjoying your story a lot :)
I'm really looking forward to the next chapter. The story seems to be setting up to be awesome real soon :D Can't wait. Report Review
Another wonderful chapter! You can feel the tension growing as the need to escape escalates. I can see why Neville might have a dilemma - to do what he'll be required to do or to do what's right. (It's okay, though; I have faith in him. Neville's always been one of my favorite characters!)
James and Neroli running into Dom and having them both talking about the same thing was a really great moment. I could feel the confusion from both ends. Also - Fred being in his thinking spot, knowing where Rose and Albus were, and trying to round up the entire family.
Dom's... diversion was interesting, to say the least. ;) But clever!
I could see how arguments might break out within the Weasley family. Probably never a quiet moment...
On one hand, I'm glad the younger cousins will be safe. On the other, I'm sad that this might mean we won't get to see them as much, because I'd really like to learn more about Lily! However, there seems to be the promise that "they'll be needed later" which is both exciting and terrifying. I'm glad Neroli, Dom, James, Albus, Fred, and Rose all decided to fight though. I wouldn't have expected them to want to hide.
There were a few small grammatical things; there should be a comma after no in "No not friends." Also, Godric's Hollow. And this is a bit nitpicky, but I think in canon it was Blaise Zabini?
Oh, and of course I loved hearing about Fred, Dom, and James' dynamic and Fred's last prank! Brilliant.
This was a wonderful chapter that was hard to stop reading. Great character and plot development and good job!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review!! :-)
I hope the sudden introduction of characters wasn't too... sudden. I was careful about it, like by not detailing everyone's lives, but I hope I didn't kill the story with that...
I am trying very hard to give each character in the Weasley/Potter family individual personas, and with that comes the inevitable conflict. So there shall, in the future, but quite some fun with that...
The younger ones will certainly make a debut at some stage, but I do think it is a bit too unrealistic for them, at their age and training level, to enter a war/revolution. And to be honest, if Neroli, Dom, James, Fred and Rose and co. didn't decide to fight, I wouldn't have much of a story... haha. So that was a mite predictable... :-)
Hmmm... I always read it as Zambini, like the shark... haha. I shall certainly check that and correct it, because me mis-spelling it is super embarrassing... And in my head I just read all those 's's with a lisp. Haha. And I don't think it is nitpicky; I get pissed each time someone spells it 'Lilly'.
So yes, thank you for your corrections. I always miss things when I write them, and because I remember what I wrote I don't PROPERLY read it when looking for corrections... haha. So yes, I shall get to correcting those.
And hopefully I do not run out of ideas for Fred's master-mindedness. That would suck.
But yes, thank you so much for ALL of your reviews so far. Always makes me smile :-)
This is good so far I really like it(: Mind reading my dramione story Getting Away with Murder? Ill finish reading the rest of your story, tell me wht you think if you read mine!! Thnx so much
10/10Author's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing!!! I shall certainly get to reading your story as soon as I finish studying for my exam, which shall be about half-way through next week!!
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So before I review this third chapter, let me say that your corrections in chapter 2 helped immensely (I would've told you sooner, but I'd already reviewed the chapter). I was pleased to see that just about everything I mentioned was addressed, and a bit flattered that my review apparently had such an effect on you. The whole chapter seemed to flow much easier after your edit. Also, Dom is awesome (but I think I mentioned that in my last review :P).
Onward to chapter 3 then!
Most of the time I would caution an author against introducing a large cast of characters. Many can't develop them all equally, and few can show multiple stories at once and tie them together well. However, so far I'm impressed. We've been introduced to two characters in-depth so far, and several others peripherally, and all of them seem interesting and-most importantly-real. Dom is extremely perceptive, yet seems to be something of a loner, and she manipulates people. Neroli has this awesome power to see the future in her dreams, but she hates it and doesn't sleep, and so isn't healthy. Both have what seem to be realistic relationships with other characters. And so you made two believable characters, which puts you ahead of about 80% of the fandom immediately-and I think you're going to be one fo those rare authors who can juggle the separate storylines and combine them together into one big arc.
So, yeah. Awesome.
The stuff about Neroli's sleeping habits was good. I do wonder if sleeping once a week is realistic-personally, I have issues with sleep myself, and after four days without I'm about dead. But I've never pushed it past that, so...
I really like how Neroli dislikes her power so much. How refreshing! After so many characters with Seer powers who use it all the time and love it, or don't like it but deal with it, it's nice to see a realistic response-somebody trying to run from her abilities (in this case, by not sleeping). This is one of the things that's great about the character-she's got real flaws.
The banter between James and Neroli was nice. Not too much, not too little, and it felt believable. Though I do have a question: Neroli has a foreign name, and doesn't use many contractions-is she Russian, perhaps? (I think Vablatsky is a Russian name, isn't it?)
'And it meant, for Neroli, that every Saturday she got to have a friend.'
^ Seems so sad. I wanted to give her a hug :(
You're really beginning to suck me into the plot. What was in the letter last chapter, specifically? And WHAT IS HAPPENING IN SEVENTEEN HOURS?!
Also, NEROLI IS GOING BADASS:
'Neroli glance up at him harshly, her grey eyes burning with a passion that made his Gryffindor courage shake. "Because someone needs to fight what is coming." '
(by the by, your 'glance' should be 'glanced')
But, awesome. So what's coming?
'"Your coffee?" the serving-witch...'
'The' should be capitalized.
'Neroli whispered tearing...'
Should have a comma after 'whispered'
'"The regular, Neroli? He asked,'
Quotation mark after 'Neroli?', lowercase 'he'
^Just a few things I noticed. There are probably a few more, but they're all comparatively minor and don't affect the story's readability (I'm just a bit of a grammar nazi).
So, verdict: chapter 2 edit was great, chapter 3 is awesome, plot is engaging, Neroli is badass. Congrats. Eagerly awaiting chapter 4 :)
Also: I'm shipping Neroli/James. Just sayin' ;DAuthor's Response: Thank you SO much for your helpful review. I actually cannot express in words how much your advice meant to me, so just imagine the biggest, cheesiest grin ever and that's me.
And I am glad you like Dom. I hope that the ways in which I develop her character don't make you disappointed. Because I don't really like it when characters DON'T develop. That is like eating the raw ingredients instead of the cake.
I have always had a big focus on characters and how they would interact and their own roles in the plot. So I don't really see it as separate story lines, just different perceptions. Though I will have more story lines gradually introduced. I don't believe in dumping everything in at once.
I do have quite a few characters and sometimes it is hard to juggle them, but I can't cut any of them out. So any advice on that would simply be freaking rocking. Though I do think that what really MAKES a character are their realistic personality ticks. Their flaws, their own way of interpreting information.
I think that the human psyche is very interesting, and how a person's fears can control them beyond what is healthy. So I am really aiming to explore that with Neroli. And in future chapters, also explore WHY Neroli has those fears. I always thought it was rock to be able to see into the future etc, but if you couldn't control that how freaking horrible would that be!?
Neroli is actually an aromatherapy oil from orange blossoms and is used to calm and relax people and remove tension/anxiety, which, incidentally, is why orange blossoms are traditionally used in bridal bouquets and wreaths. It smells lovely and is in a lot of perfumes. I use it in my baths, which is totally where I came up with her character.
And Vablatsky is a Russian name, and in Harry Potter one of the Divination books was written by a Vablatsky, who was a seer.
Realistically, a sleep deprived person is probably not going to attract many friends. Crankyness isn't an admirable quality. And seeing what people are capable of, I know that I would be wary of people.
Hufflepuffs are the most misunderstood house. And unfortunately, in most fanfiction, a character's personality is too dictated by what house they are in. If Hufflepuffs are loyal and just, wouldn't that mean that a vigilante would most likely be in Hufflepuff? Hufflepuffs have such potential but people ignore that. Neroli is a 'Puff.
Hence, if Neroli = Hufflepuff, and Hufflepuff = badasses, then Neroli = Badass.
See, mathematics :-) I *DID* learn something in school.
And I will get to chapter corrections when I finish my university essay. Which, mathematically, = boring x 10^93
You should wear the grammar nazi tag with pride. I usually am one, but I notice stuff better in other people's writing than I do with mine because I remember writing it so my mine glosses over everything.
And maybe there will be a Neroli/James ship, maybe there won't ;-)
I liked meeting Neroli. I can sympathize with the lack of sleep - sometimes I just have no idea how I'm going to stay awake for the next period. x.x I liked seeing the relationship between her and James, too. Keeps him grounded :)
There were a few small grammatical errors that I noticed. Nothing big, just things like missing commas (it should be 'Well, Neroli is one of them.') and misspellings of Hogsmeade. Again, nothing big, just something I picked up on. Didn't detract from the story, though!
I'm really excited to find out what Neroli saw and what exactly will be happening in seventeen hours... this story is original and extremely interesting! Great job! :)Author's Response: OMG I ALWAYS spell Hogsmeade wrong. Every. Damn. Time. Haha. Man I suck at spelling.
I think people underestimate the power of sleep. I stayed up for days on end writing a physics paper the once and I gained 3 kgs and fell asleep eating pasta. So not cool.
But yes, I'm going develop the dynamics between Neroli and James through out the story.
Next chapter is in the queue!!! :-D
Thank you for the review! & for reading my story.
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Your story is really starting to get me interested. What is this thing that will be coming in seventeen hours? who is the person that Neroli see's? You have to update soon. and 10/10.Author's Response: The next chapter is in the queue!! Your questions shall be answered there :-)
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i liked it, this sounds like its going to be something really good. i love the song never say never! it's amazing!Author's Response: Thank you :-) Never Say Never is a rockin song.
When I am driving home from work really late at night I turn it up really really loud :-)
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I'm really excited to read more of this.
I've been looking for a story with things like oppression, etc. (sort of like HP7, but not from the trio's view) so when I read the summary of this story my brain sort of went "whoo!" =)
I read the summary of the first chapter, and upon seeing the normalcy quote, I became more intrigued. "The underlying themes in this story will probably be meaningful/ make sense!"
I read the summary of the second chapter. It has a reference to Animal Farm. Now, while I have never read Animal Farm, I do intend on reading it soon, and I've been told about it's general theme & know a quote from it. I read that and went "Whoa! This will also be getting into politics (even if it is a bit, it is not clear to me yet)."
Suffice to say, my interest level in this story is through the roof. While I haven't (obviously) read the entire story yet, if it continue on like this, then: this is very rare in the fanfiction world. It's somewhere most people in the fanfiction universe don't venture to go.
It's very intelligent and intriguing. I was only looking for a good action story, but then as I read more it became the whole package - one that I definitely was not expecting. This came as a pleasurable surprise.
I really like how you are setting up the story. It seems like you have everything planned out - a timeline and history of the magic world's politics. (and it's relation to the muggle/real world, which is also very good)
One thing I can say you may want to do with this though, is: So far, the organizations, etc. that have been mentioned were never mentioned in the books. So it's a little unclear about the relation of the UMN to the Ministry of Magic. Is it a branch of the Ministry of Magic, or separate?
It feels so good & has such a great effect the way you wrote this chapter - it has this "these are the facts" feeling about it, but also this purposeful-ness/meaning (or at least, that's what I feel from it).
I just re-read your A/N. No wonder it has this feeling about it! Haha. =)
It also makes me feel suspense. If it wasn't mentioned in the summary, I would still be able to sense an almost-foreshadowing of oppression and rebellion. :)
I also like the semantics you chose. (like "annihilate, authorities, conference, the following text..." The last of which obviously isn't a word, but... :P) I don't mean specifically the topic they're talking about, but.. For example, if an average beginning high-school kid (from my town) were talking about a conference and organization had, they would use the word "meeting" instead. But instead you chose the word "conference" which, to me, would mean that they were paying closer attention to accuracy of terms, etc.
Overall I mean the semantics seem less casual-like. For clarification, I don't mean that "less casual-like" is always better, it's just that it seems as if you catered the words you are using in order to set the tone of this story. It may be simply a result of habit from your university class, but if not: YAY! :D
If it isn't (a.k.a, if it is purposefully this way with the words) - I'm going to give my theories on the narrator: a. This is a news article. (?) b. The person is educated/ even when telling a story to a causal friend speaks like that c. They matured because of emotional hardships (this one doesn't make much sense, but it came to mind) d. They are in university. And take a international peace and conflict resolution and international politics class. :P tehe.
Okay, this review is getting extremely long and I have to go to bed :P.
But this story is EXTREMELY intriguing and I can't wait to read more. Your writing is quite nice =) I've been really wanting to read a "oppression and rebellion" fic for a few weeks now, so this just looks great so far! woot! :)
Have a good night!Author's Response: I am so sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your review!!! Your awesome review, by the way. Long reviews rock my stripy purple and grey socks.
And yeah, I have been looking for stories about oppression and politics and that sort of thing, but it is soo hard. Or even just action stories. (if you like those, have a look at the Octane Generation by Over the Rainbomb. It is in my favourites).
I am also super glad that my summary did what it was supposed to do. Haha. I spend more time working out summaries than actually writing the damn chapters.
Animal Farm is a great book. Such an easy read, but the actual meaning is what you are supposed to getting. Best set work I ever did. George Orwell seriously inspires me. To quote him, "By the age of 40, ever man has the face they deserve". I totally agree with that; I saw a woman whose wrinkles were in a frown shape even when she smiled. Scary.
But back on track, my story will most certainly have politics in in. Not so much that people want to die, but enough that it is realistic. Or as realistic as a magical world can be...
Initially I had planned a 40+ chapter story, so I have decided to split that into 3 parts. This is part one, which is going to serve as pretty much the start of a war/revolution/thingamabob. So hopefully it will continue with the same themes as my first chapters. Speaking of which, my next chapter is in the queue :-)
Action stories are my favourite. But not many people write them, and of the ones who do a lot of them suck and a lot of them are too much lovey-dovey crap for me to handle. Haha. And I attempted to write a lovey-dovey story (Shell Cottage) which I think I have failed in. Largely. Haha. Couldn't resist putting some sort of action into it...
But yes, action will for sure be a big part in this story.
As far as my mind could figure it out, the wizarding world would have similar structures to the muggle world what with order and politics. And with that comes international issues, thus the birth of the UMN. Which is a magical version of the UN. It has no affiliation to the Ministry what so ever. Like they would have their own delegates, just like Australia would have theirs.
It is an organisation comprising of representatives for every nationality of wizards and witches, and magical creature delegates. More about that will be introduced in not the chapter in the queue, but the one after. And why it wasn't mentioned in the books will also be addressed. I have it all covered (hopefully).
I kinda wrote the first chapter the same way I would write a paper for Conflict resolution and human rights studies at university. Made me feel smart :-) But I did use a lot of words from text books I have read. I wanted it to be like a read introduction chapter to a real text book that Victoire would write.
Thank you soo much for your review. It freaking rocks!
Oo the the action's starting :P
I liked the insight into Dom as a character, and the brief mentions of others.
I'm still hankering for some victoire insight, since she seems to be the narrator (at least according to the previous chapter, I'm assuming the 'voice' of this chapter is also her)
You have me intrigued as to what exactly is happening in the UMN, and how everyone's going to react.
Nice chapter :)Author's Response: All good things come to those who wait (my wisdom for the week). You'll find out more in the next few chapters... I'll keep feeding a little bit by a little bit - I don't want the whole plot to crash in all at once.
Thank you for the review!!!
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Alright, so I had some mixed feelings about this chapter. I'll try and sum them up as best as I can, starting with the good:
-Firstly, I like Dominique's character so far. She's interesting, seems to have good depth to her, and is inherently flawed (her manipulative streak is very interesting). Her relationship with Lorcan, though hardly being the focus of this chapter, was extremely well-represented in the few paragraphs allotted to it, and intrigues me.
-The letter was a good, if slightly overused catalyst to kick off the action. Already your characters are going into hiding-clearly you're planning on starting right off with the action and adventure. Already I'm being pulled into the story more fully; I'm just itching to know what the letter said in full, and exactly why they have to hide.
-This really has nothing to do with the chapter, but I thought the actress you picked for Dominique fit the character well, lol. Just how I pictured her.
-Dominique's observant-ness (is that a word? Probably not... oh well) is cool. I liked how she was evaluating the expressions of the teachers as they reacted to the news. I'm actually writing a story centering around Teddy Lupin where he views the world in a manner similar to Dominique's.
-Ha, and I just had to throw this in here: is Dominique on Lorcan's list of things he wants to do, list of things he regretted, or both? :P Had to say it, couldn't help myself...
Right, so now the things I had a bit of trouble with:
-I didn't particularly care for the narration style in this chapter. Through most of the chapter, it felt like we were being told things about the characters rather than shown them; the first four paragraphs, for example. Another problem was that the narration style threw me off-track a bit as I was reading; transitions between places and such weren't always clear, leading to a rather foggy idea of how everything happened until I reread the chapter once or twice, looking specifically for how things happened.
-A suggestion, regarding the narration style and the first four paragraphs in general: remember, we don't necessarily need to know everything about Dominique right away. For example, you could have not told us that she was manipulative, and we would have seen it when she manipulated Lucy later on.
-I didn't care for this line:
'Her powers of manipulation she believes are best used against people who are against her. She has a strong sense of justice.'
To begin with, the first sentence sounds a tad awkward and should probably be structured 'She believes her powers...' Also, the tense sounds a bit wonky, and I'm really not sure the proper way to set that up...
But I'm not really concerned about that right now. The problem I have with this line is it kind of dismisses her big flaw, making it so Dominique doesn't really seem to have any flaws. So I'd suggest getting rid of these two sentences.
I thought chapter 2 was good overall. It gave me a good introduction to the plot and Dominique. It also gave me a glimpse of Dominique's relationship with Lorcan (which, as I said earlier, I thought was very well done, with a lot said with few words) and showed me how she interacted with the world in general. At the end of the chapter, I was definitely left wondering what would happen next. I did have a few issues with it, but they can be fixed. Hopefully this obscenely long review didn't come across as too harsh at some points...
Oh, by the way, glad to hear you found a beta :) It's rather funny-I was going to volunteer when I read your response to my review, but I went on the forums and Peaches had already offered about five minutes before I was going to, lol.Author's Response: Wow long review!!! Haha. So I'll start from the top.
Firstly, I hope I didn't dissapoint you with this chapter! So I'll definitely take what you have said on board.
-I am working really hard on Dom's character since she is the first character I am introducing. I want to bring out other flaws as her character developes.
-I think one of the reasons letters are overused is because that is the main form of communication in the wizarding world. I wanted to have something that would get the ball rolling because no one wants a few chapters of nothing, but the action will develop slower in the latter chapters.
-Melanie Laurent. Fell inlove with her in the Inglorious Bastards.
-I always thought it would be great to be able to read people. I know all the theory behind it, but can NEVER read someone. Seriously. I am the single WORST judge of character. SO I wanted to put all that theory into practice.
-Haha I never thought of that. She is definitely on *both* lists ;-)
-I am trying something new with the narration where I have an actual narration. Never done it before. So I will definitely look over the things you pointed out. It is like a new language for me; I prefer writing in first person, but after many hours of contemplation, I figured there would be too much jumping around later on in the story where I have many more characters.
-I will certainly omit/rethink some of that. Thank you! :-)
-I think that line came out wrong. Obviously. The tone I was trying with there was that Dom is a bit selfrighteous in that she holds the delusion that she has control over herself to the extent that she doesn't always manipulate.
Your review was certainly not harsh. I love feedback. I am definitely not one of those people who ask for it and then go have a cry when they get it. Haha. I want this story to be the best I can make it. But the timing with the beta thing!? Wow. Haha. At least you get to read the story AFTER the worst of it has been edited :p
Thank you again for your review!!! Made me smile :-D
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This is not a bad story. You have arisen my curiosity with this chapter. What is it that has the Weasley clan clammering to go into hiding? You must update soon. 10/10 for the suspense.Author's Response: Shall definitely update soon :-) Glad to see my story is interesting so far. All shall be answered in time :P
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Never say Never, many a true word has been said with those words starting a sentence. It will be interesting to see where your going with this story. I will go onto chapter 2 and give you 9/10.Author's Response: Thank you :-) Chapter 3 should be up soon!!
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This is a concept that I've never read before, and I admit I'm very excited about it. It has a much more serious tone than a lot of stories on here - not that humor and romance are bad, just saying that it's different, which is neat.
I love this line: "But, as critics point out, "never again" is an oft used phrase now void of its meaning. " So true. The final line was also excellent: "In normalcy, people are just people. But when that normalcy is lost... people become something more. Or something less."
Again, so true, and ends the chapter with a sense of both foreshadowing and foreboding. I admit I was a little confused as to who V.L. was - forgot that Victoire would be Lupin if she married Teddy... whoops!)
Looking forward to reading the rest! (Though, I thought I had posted this review and went ahead and reviewed the next chapter... whoops! Oh well.)Author's Response: Everything is humour and romance :p I aim to be different.
But yes, I choose my words and phrases very carefully. So hopefully those won't be the only stand-out lines in my story.
I am hoping that this was hence a good introduction in that it wasn't boring? I am just waiting for my beta to get back to me with the next chapter and I shall pop that into the queue :-)
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I don't think you're in any danger of writing one of "those" bad stories! :)
This chapter made it much more clear to me that the person narrating in the 1st chapter was Victoire. (Again, those initials threw me off... but that was me, not your writing!)
I could understand how Dom might not have too many friends; seems if you're part of the Weasley clan, you've automatically got about ten of them. Her relationship with James and Fred was interesting too - her being the one to always get in trouble for them and get them out of trouble.
"Think Animal Farm" is the line that really clued me into the trouble that seems like it is about to happen. We read that book last year, and my mind's already come up without about ten different ways (all bad, it seems) that this could end up.
I'm looking forward to meeting the rest of the extended Weasley clan, and to find out what exactly Tor was warning them all about. Great chapter, very intriguing and well written! :)Author's Response: Thank you for such a lovely review :-) I like to think of every Weasley/Potter as an individual. So I have worked really hard on giving each character I use their own personality, and how they would all interact with each other. And with that the relationship with Fred, James and Dom :-)
But yes, definitely think Animal Farm. And V for Vendetta.
I won't jump right into the main plot, for the reason that when I read a story like that it pisses me off. So the suspense of what Tor mean in the letter will drag on a bit :P
Thank you again for your review!!!
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I am rather intrigued.it's rare to come across a fic centered around international politics etc., it's a nice change.
And the whole victoire/Teddy aspect has me wondering what's going to happen.
Just a prologue son far, but it's a well written prologue.
I hope you find a beta, I'll be waiting for ch 2Author's Response: Thank you :-) I was always disappointed when a fic started on politics or international politics, then rushed it or never tied up those strings. Hence the birth of my concept. Haha.
Unfortunately for many people, I shan't have much of a focus on love-dovey relationships, but they will be there and I hope to subtly develop the relationships, such as the obvious Teddy/Victoire.
But yes, thank you for your review! You have no idea how much I stressed about the prologue; they are supposed to make people want to read the story, but not actually be the story, which is an awkward combination because it can make the prologues bland.
I have now got a beta (hopefully), so As soon as that all works out, chapter two shall be up :-)
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I love this first chapter. Both the history and the more personal section from Victoire (I'm assuming it's Victoire, V.L. standing for Victoire Lupin?)
I do have one thing to mention: simply to match up more with canon, you might consider changing the name of the UMN. In canon, an organization that sounds similar to this was mentioned-the International Confederation of Wizards. Just a thought.
I favorited this, and I'm definitely wanting to read more. Also, this line:
'In normalcy, people are just people. But when that normalcy is lost... people become something more.
Or something less.'
Epicness. Love it.
So yeah, great first chapter, can't wait for the next one :)Author's Response: Haha yes, Victoire is the Author. Her part in the story shall come into play later on though.
But yes, I decided they needed a United Nations thing because I figured that the concept of wizards being the at the top of the magical world would eventually become out-dated and a more representtive council would come into play. But all of that shall be later elaborated on :-)
But yay, this story's first review!!! And it isn't a negative one, which freaking rocks. I have most of this story written, but am now going to begin the search for a beta reader, so it may take a while before the next chapter... maybe. I hate waiting to publish things. Haha :-)
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