I HATE JAMES!!! for once! Why couldn't Al have the girl?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?! I hate Addy too for breaking his heart :( Poor Al. Does she get married to James and then what happens to Al? Does he move on or not? :(
Anyway I love this one-shot and think its great even though I want Al to win XD Great work.
~BlameItOnTheNargles Report Review
Hey, this is apocalypse, here with your review!
I'll address the areas of concern first.
James: His character was well written. Things like: he playing pranks on Al, his ability to get any girl he wants, getting distracted by the girls' staircase and keeping his and Addy's relationship a secret is just typical him. I could see him doing all that =) After all he doesn't really seem the guy who would express his love in public, just yet. So, good work here. =) However you could've used better descriptive words, for instance you described him as a 'Girly God' and it just didn't really fit with his personality. The thing that you're trying to say is actually who he is but the words didn't really help you deliver the actual meaning. A bit more work on it, you'll rock it for sure. =)
Adelaide: I'm afraid her character needs a lot of work. You gave a very brief description on her character. For instance: 'She likes Quidditch, studying, chocolate, yellow, stuffed dinosaurs, spinning in circles…' and 'That was because she always stared out windows, day-dreaming. Sometimes she sang out to the sun..' Okay, considering that she is involved with BOTH James and Al don't you think her character deserved a bit more description and importance? It's not like she was a secondary character. I really can't see what exactly was so special about her that both the Potters' fell in love with her. You should've highlighted some qualities of her so that even your readers couldn't help but really like her and could see why the boys liked her too; even her physical appearance would've helped you give that special impact.
Albus: Again you were, to some extent, successful in writing his character. I liked his sarcasm and when he called Alana blondie. I like how you expressed his feelings for Addy from time to time, throughout the chapter. But again, very brief. Use different words to describe/elaborate the same point. Description helps convey one's intentions really well and I'm sure you'll figure out how to work with it =). The rest was fine. Irrespective of minor things, I like both the Potter boys' characters. Well done! =)
Moving on: I like the idea how you turned the tables around; this time you made a boy face rejection. However I got lost in the first paragraph. The scenario was slightly unclear to me. If you had explained it with more fluidity, that would've helped. Also, the details seemed scattered. It's not that they weren't right, it's just their arrangement needs some attention. Similarly the part where Addy tells Al that she loves James and the next scene, James woke up to find blood stains and then you explain how he fell, in the first place; the arrangement of this scenario should've been the other way round. Your story will surely have a more visual effect when you concentrate on the tiniest of details =). You have the potential, bring it out. =)
Once you work on the details, I can assure you, more readers are going to get attracted. =D Always a bright side, you see. In my opinion you really don't need an epilogue, I mean I don't want you to bring Addy back to Al. The name of the story Rejection; leave it as such. An end like this leaves a more realistic impact on the readers and makes them face the truth of life, see? After all, every story doesn't have to have a happy ending. =)
I hope I was able to help you enough. That's it from me, for now. Thank you so much for requesting and feel free to come back in the future. Good luck! Happy writing! =)Author's Response: Thanks for the critique, I was really lost as to how I should start editing it. I am seriously soaking up your suggestions.
~princessOFparis Report Review
ADELAIDE AND AL! :D wonderful story. epliogue. it's summer vacation!Author's Response: Gosh thank you! I know, I know, but I haven't any ideas...:(
INSPIRATION COME TO ME!
~P.O.P Report Review
:P halarious annabelle. :P merlins saggy left balls XD idk alot of the ppl tho, unless u made them up. nice story nonetheless :)Author's Response: Thanks! Yeah, that was pretty funny, wasn't it? And no, these were just New Generation characters. Thanks for the review!
~P.O.P Report Review
I would like to see an epilogue on this story because I feel that it needs a better closure than what it got at the end of this story. It is up to you if you want to do it though but if you do, well then I will be ecstatic. anyways, I also would like to see a happy ending for Albus because I really feel for him in this story because he finally got the courage to declare his love for Adelaide only to have her reject him.Author's Response: Thanks! I don't know about the epilogue, maybe in a couple months when it's summer vacation (yay!!!) because I kinda, sorta, REALLY need a banner. Yeah, but Adelaide/James or Adelaide/Al? That is the question.
~P.O.P. Report Review
She just needs to be with Al :)Author's Response: Aw...thanks! So I'm guessing you want her to be with Al? :) I don't know...I'm debating between Adelaide/James or Adelaide/Al. Ack, you're making me feel sorry for Al! No worries, that was the point of the story. :)
Yay for being my first reviewer,
~P.O.P. Report Review
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