Reading Reviews for A Beautiful Injustice
  
39 Reviews Found

Review #1, by LadyL8 A Beautiful Injustice

14th May 2013:
Hey there.

I really enjoyed reading this story. Sirius is my favorite character, and I love love-stories so it was a great combination for me. At the same time, I'm slightly skeptical when someone writes a story about Sirius falling in love, because they usually make him very OC instead of in-character. Your story actually had Sirius in-character, which is something I'm very grateful for. At the same time, you had a plot that went really well with the personality we know (from the books) that Sirius had at that age. I do see him as the funny guy, popular and handsome, but I also imagine him having that more insecure and shy side. And you captured that perfectly. The balance between these two sides are so perfect. My favorite part is actually when he says "I love you", and she ends up breaking his heart. It's just so completely different from most Sirius-stories, where Sirius usually breaks the girl's heart. It was a nice change, and it seemed realistic. I'm just really loving this story!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review! I'm really glad that you liked my take on Sirius and how his heart was broken! Thanks again!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #2, by ginerva_molly_weasley A Beautiful Injustice

9th March 2012:
Here I am for part 2 of 5 of our review swap!

This piece is so heart breaking. I actually love Sirius in fanfiction so just to see him just dismissed and tossed aside by a girl who he actually liked was just awh.

I like how you make him lie to the marauders but because he was so nervous he did it so blatantly so I wonder how they're going to react to him rushing off and whether they attempted to follow him or not.

Kristi is actually horrible :( I liked her a lot at the beginning but now I just think that she was just callous and it's interesting that you're such a good writer to make us like Kristi at the beginning but then by the end you've completely made us change our opinion of her. It's also sad that she was Sirius' first because he will have to remember her for the rest of his life and that is just so sad.

The last paragraph is very emotive and written very well to make us understand why Sirius never really dated. I love your writing style :)

Author's Response: so this is my first attempt at a oneshot and I am super excited about the positive response it was given! I'm glad that you liked kristi at first as you were supposed to and then as the story continues on you dislike her that makes me very happy as I wanted people to not like her! Ah you like my writing style? thanks so much that means a lot to me! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #3, by daliha A Beautiful Injustice

4th January 2012:
I felt bad for Sirius but I happy to see that for once the boy is the one strung along some people forget that girls can be mean too.

The only thing I would suggest is to put in italics when he's remembering the first time her saw her and how he fell in love. It sort of confused me a bit.

Author's Response: Thank you for the helpful advice I will try to remember to add that in when/if i edit the story! I'm glad you liked that he was the one strung along for once. Thank you for taking the time to read and review!

~slytherinchica08~


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Review #4, by lizmusic45 A Beautiful Injustice

27th October 2011:
I thought this was really quite nice. I liked everyone in the story, well except for the girl, Poor Sirius on that one.

I really did like it though your stories are well written and filled with good emotion.

I'll give you a 10/10 for this one :)

Lizmusic16

Author's Response: Wow! thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed my oneshot! This was the first one I ever wrote and I'm pretty proud of how it turned out! Thank you so much for the review!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #5, by KiraPotter16 A Beautiful Injustice

25th October 2011:
I know this was written a while ago but your review on my story made me look through your stories. This is great! Sirius just makes me laugh and your portrayal of James is dead on. :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you took a look at my stories and enjoyed this one! Thank you so much for your time and for the review!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #6, by Pen2Paper A Beautiful Injustice

14th September 2011:
Hey SlytherinChica08 :)

Nice to finally read a story from you :) You requested on my review thread eons ago and I haven't been able to get it done till now. It's shamefull really how long it's taken me, :( I bet you don't even remember requesting.

Anyhow I just wanted to say I enjoyed this chapter. It was greatly refreshing to see Sirius as flustered, nervous, tender and vulnerable than the over-confident play boy we are so accustomed to in stories. You can clearly feel the dynamic of the group and his deep association with the rest of the marauders.

Lily I thought had a bit of an overreaction to James asking her out but it is quite canon so that's no biggie. I really liked it and i hope there's more coming. It was definitely interesting getting inside Sirius's head and finding out what made him the arrogant flirt that people perceive him to be.

Well done! Hope you continue with this story :)
~Pen2Paper.

Author's Response: Hey I'm really glad you enjoyed this! Sad to say its just a oneshot but I'm glad that you liked the look into Sirius's mind. Also I'm glad that you were able to feel the dynamic of the whole group in this oneshot as well!Thank you so much for the review!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #7, by I_trusted_Snape13 A Beautiful Injustice

27th August 2011:
This was really good(:

I enjoyed it a lot :D

I felt so bad for Sirius though! She totally used him :(

Great writing though and I hope you keep writing :D

Author's Response: Hey I'm really glad you enjoyed my Sirius Black/OC oneshot. I did it for a challenge and the idea really just came to me right away and i'm kinda attached to it as my first ever oneshot. I'm glad you got the emotions i was hoping for, feeling bad for Sirius and hating her. Thank you very much for this review!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #8, by CheeringCharm A Beautiful Injustice

10th August 2011:
Good piece, I quite liked the voice that you gave to him although he does seem a bit childish doesnt he? :)

I like the way you made him a bit selfconcious and unsure about it and how he really fell for her. It mustve hurt him alot to hear her throw those words back at him!

You have a special way of writing, the paragraphs that are separate tell litlle parts on their own and alot together which is kind of like puzzle-pieces, really liked that!

*hugsies*

CheeringCharm Hufflepuff

Author's Response: Hey thank you so much for your review. I guess I never really thought about my paragraphs that way but I'm glad that you liked it! And I'm glad that you think that my writing is kind of like puzzles pieces and they all fit together. Thank you so much!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #9, by Cleopatraa A Beautiful Injustice

8th August 2011:
Hey,
Well first thing first I would suggest you to request a banner for this story and your other stories because a lot of people don’t read banner less stories so perhaps you could have double the reviews if you had a banner. I really liked this interesting and original take on a Sirius/OC. I’m really fond of the pairing but unfortunately a lot of people write this pairing so clichéd. Aww I truly feel badly for the guy most of the time you see him as the user and not as the one getting used. Also you wrote the friendship between Sirius and his friends very well. So in other words a great little piece!
Cleopatra ( Slytherin)

Author's Response: Hey thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked it.. i will deffinately see about banners for my stories! thats a great piece of information to know that a lot of people dont read stories without banners. Thank you so much for your review!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #10, by forsakenphoenix A Beautiful Injustice

8th August 2011:
So I think this was an interesting way to explain why Sirius would be afraid of commitment. You don't often see Sirius being played the fool as he's usually the player.

I wish that there was more interactions written between Kristi and Sirius. I know that they met a year earlier, were snogging in a classroom and then Kristi asked Sirius to meet her there later to have sex. Nowhere in the story did I learn about how their relationship, if they had one, progressed. I can't imagine Sirius telling a girl he loved her - and actually being sincere about it - if he hasn't taken the time to get to know her. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of their relationship, but I know that it's difficult to write an entire relationship in a one-shot.

I had a hard time accepting that the Marauders would be so casually talking about becoming Animagi in the common room where anyone could be eavesdropping. Plus, it took them years to master that form of magic so to only be coming up with the idea now doesn't fit the timeline of canon. Of course, this is a fanfiction so you're free to write it however you please. That's half the fun!

I noticed a lot of grammatical and spelling errors throughout the story and at times, it interrupted the flow of the story. Some of your dialogue was awkward, especially some of Sirius's thoughts. They just didn't seem in-character.

I enjoyed the interactions between the Marauders - you wrote their friendship very well, especially Sirius who just wanted a happy ending for James in his quest to steal Lily Evan's heart. Plus, while I had issues with the timing of their decision to become Animagi, you show that they are truly dedicated to Remus and want to help ease the pain of his transformations any way they can. That's what true friendship is all about. Again, I had some issues with Sirius's inner dialogue, but I liked the anticipation of what was going to happen with Kristi; that excitement but nervousness of a first time. Very typical teenage boy.

I know it seems that I wrote a lot of negative things, but I think for your first fanfic, you did a nice job. I would definitely suggest finding someone to help clear up the mechanical and grammatical errors in your fic - it would help the flow of the story a lot. But otherwise, keep writing. You'll find that the more you write, the better you get. It's always fun to reread your old material and see how much you've progressed and grown as an author. It just takes time and a lot of practice.

Good luck with all your future fics!

forsakenphoenix (Ravenclaw)

Author's Response: Wow! well thank you very much for that really long review. I'm glad that you at least some what enjoyed the piece. I know i didnt add a whole lot about their relationship into the piece but i didnt want to make the piece so long with extra bits of information that it would be too long for people to want to read. And with the part about the animagi I think they decided they were going to do it before it actually happens. Or at least for me it took them a few years to actually manage it. But again thank you for the great review!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #11, by Bookworm045 A Beautiful Injustice

6th August 2011:
This was really sad. There's something so beautifully depressing about someone being in love and then finding out they were being used. And this was written perfectly. You captured Sirius' emotions really well, and you kept the signs that Kristi wasn't who he thought she was to a minimum, which I liked, because it made the betrayal even more prominent. It just seems so sad that Sirius Black would stop loving because one dumb girl broke his heart. Ack--he's right, we're meaner than guys are. This was excellent, and I'm really glad I read it! (:
-Katherine045/Slyterin

Author's Response: I'm so glad you like this! This was my first attempt at a oneshot and at sirius/oc so i was nervous about the response i would get from people. I'm glad that you liked that i kept it hidden that Krisit is horrible. and yes girls can really be more mean then boys! Thank you so much!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #12, by LovelyMioneWeasley A Beautiful Injustice

12th March 2011:
Hello there, LMW from the forums with your requested review.

Okay, so, I think it's really, REALLY hard to make a good Sirius/OC into a one-shot. We have such an understanding of who Sirius was and how he interacted with girls. It is pretty much outlined how he was a bit of a flirt and such. All that being said doesn't mean he couldn't be heartbroken.

I think that this is a very believable Sirius/OC. I think you made Sirius a believable guy with some sweet tendencies including protecting his friendships and falling in love. It's sweet, it's endearing, and it's heartbreaking that he would make such a swift decision about love because of one girl.

I think that your story is vey original and very nice to read about, but your OC is a little underdeveloped for me. I am curious to know of more of her emotions as to why she accepted the dare, does she feel any guilt or remorse about having sex with Sirius? All sorts of other questions come into my mind as well.

As for grammar, there are some word choices and phrasing that make it a bit awkward in places. Your dialgoue seems a bit off at times especially with James. Maybe breaking up his long speech due to some interruption with Sirius might help. You also need to address some comma issues amongst other things. My best reccomendation would to be read sections aloud; see where you are gasping for breath or it seems like too much information at one time. This techinque could help in the future.

You did a good job on the one-shot; I think though that this idea may have been more condusive to a short story or even novel. There are some ideas that work for one-shots really well and this one works but I would have liked to see more development and detail as a reader.

LMW

Author's Response: hello thank you for reading and reviewing! I will take into consideration all of your advice while i continue writing. The only reason i didnt really go into how the oc was feeling about hurting sirius was because i wanted to keep this all in one pov and sirius wouldnt know how she was feeling about it.. only about how he was feeling about it. Again thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #13, by gingersnape A Beautiful Injustice

12th March 2011:
Hello there! :)
Wow, was this an interesting and very original take on a Sirius/OC. Coming into the story, I was a bit worried that it might be cliched as can so easily happen in Sirius/OCs (I've attempted many a story; there is a reason none of them are up on the archives so I am in Sirius awe of anyone who can pull off the Sirius/OC.) but also really excited to read another Sirius/OC as I love them, despite some of the flaws the pairing presents. However, nothing prepared me for how you turned the supposed womanizer, King of Hogwarts, swoon worthy Sirius Black into the very thing he uses to put himself into his position of influence with his friends. it was both unexpected and really a great twist to put on the sorry. Other than a few sp[elling and grammar mistakes, mostly with those pesky commas and the likes, I'd say this was a wonderful story and my jaw is now hanging open from your lovely writing and for the story itself.
Have a great day and I'll see you soon around the forums,
-ginger

Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much! This really just made my day! I'm so glad that you felt this was a really interesting plot in how i had Sirius being the one gettting played and having my OC as the one who was playing him. Thank you so much for your time and for the wonderful review! This really made me want to just sit down and continue my wriiting!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #14, by LilyFire A Beautiful Injustice

10th March 2011:
Wow. I like it alot. It's a complete turn around on the wole Sirius/OC thing. It has to be one of the best I've ever read. I like how you turned the tables, making Sirus be the one in love, and the girl just using him. Great!

Author's Response: Wow thank you so much this made my day! I'm so glad that you liked this oneshot and that you think its one of the best you have ever read! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my oneshot! I'll be getting to yours soon!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #15, by TheHeirOfSlytherin A Beautiful Injustice

8th March 2011:
Oh, who in their right mind would or even could ever do that to Sirius Black??!!

I just had to say that before I say that I love this one-shot! I have only read a few Marauders stories, I'm more of a next-gen, Harry/Ginny and Draco/Hermione shipper. But I do love Marauders and stories like yours make me love them even more. Maybe even write my own soon (already thinking about it).

Will be reading more of yours. 10/10

Author's Response: Yay! i'm so glad you liked it! i'm a big dramione shipper as well! and i'm working on writing more such as a voldemort/lily and hannah/neville but i have many other ones to write besides those two! Thank you so much for stopping by and reading and reviewing!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #16, by MalfoysCarolinaGirl2010 A Beautiful Injustice

7th March 2011:
So thats why Sirius is a "womanizer" i was wondering what caused it...Great plot twist and excellent writing!

Author's Response: oo thank you so much hun for reading and reviewing! you totally made my night signing up for my challenge and reviewing my oneshot! yay! Yea this was an explanation for why Sirius is a womanizer i decided that i couldnt really see Sirius being in love with someone unless it was early on. I'm glad you thought it was a great plot, and good writing, and that it was a twist in the end.

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #17, by BrightStar A Beautiful Injustice

7th March 2011:
Awww... poor sirius, that and the family he came from. its a wonder hes no completely screwd up. I'm sad now!! Haha but i supose that means you did a brilliant job. "I can string them along and make them want me. Never again will you hear Sirius Black say ‘I love you’ to another girl again. I will get back at them all and make them see what they are missing. I, Sirius Black, will not fall in love again." Such a sad, heart wrenching ending. Well done!

Author's Response: oo yay i'm so glad that you liked it and that you that it was a great ending. I was given the challenge to write Sirius Black and his frist love and this idea came to me right away. i can honestly see this kinda thing happening to him that made him the way he is. Thank you for reading and reviewing!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #18, by Arithmancy_Wiz A Beautiful Injustice

6th March 2011:
Hi, Slytherinchica. Thanks for the review request and congratulations on posting your first one-shot. You mentioned characterization and flow in your request so I'll focus mostly on those.

For characterization, I liked that you decided to turn the tables on Sirius in this one. He is usually depicted as the one taking advantage of women but now he's the one getting used. I also liked that he was nervous over the evening, not just because of what he thought was going to happen but how he was going to keep it all from his friends. The mix of emotion helped to flesh Sirius out as a character a bit more. As more minor characters, the rest of the marauders didn't have a huge role but it would have been nice to see them in less typical situations. We know from the books about playing pranks and being Animagi. It would be nice to know what else you as an author picture them doing on a typical night at Hogwarts.

Overall, the flow worked well. The timeline of the piece works really well for a one-shot, just covering the span of a few hours. I particularly like the way you chose to open the story, right after the snogging. It makes the end feel fresher than a revisit of what just happened. The ending was a bit short, considering the length of the build up to that moment, but in general, the piece flowed nicely. I'm glad you kept it as one fluid piece and didn't break it up into smaller sections.

The only other comment I'd make is to watch a few grammar issues. For example, typically a sentence like "James back in the room please." I said trying to break him out of his trance...would have a comma after please, not a period. And when a character says another character's name while speaking to them directly, like "Yeah I know Sirius, it's a lost cause and..." there should be a comma before and after Sirius.

Thanks for sharing your story and good luck with future writing.

Author's Response: hey thank you so much for reading and reviewing my oneshot! I'm glad you liked the way I had Sirius and will take into consideration about trying to make a situation less known in future pieces. I'm glad that you thought the flow of my piece worked well and that doing this oneshot over a span of a couple of hours seemed to work for it. I will make sure to watch out for the small grammar issues as well. I still have some fixing to do with that so hopefully i will get everything fixed.

Thank you for your time and the lovely review.

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #19, by strawberrydarhling A Beautiful Injustice

6th March 2011:
Aw, wow! I always pegged Sirius to be the one doing all that stuff but this time it was done to him. Wow, i loved it. Poor Sirius though... :(

Megan
xx

OPERATION: GREEN FOR ENVY

Author's Response: hey hun thank you for the review! yea i thought it would be different for this to happen to him and have the be the reason he became the way he was. I'm glad you liked it.
Thank you for reading and reviewing

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #20, by Hyacinth Dursley A Beautiful Injustice

4th March 2011:
Poor Sirius, That's not a nice thing to do to anyone. I think I could easily dislike Kristi for just being willing to take it that far. :P

Loved the hair color prank, though would have liked to have seen Snape's reaction. :D I remember replying to your thread for pranks in the forum!

Excellent distraction, thank you! :)

Author's Response: hey i'm so glad that you found it to be an excellent distraction! I'm so glad you liked it as well. Yea Kristi is not a nice person at all and somethings are just too far but she didnt care.. Thank you for reading and reviewing!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #21, by NeverGotHerLetter A Beautiful Injustice

27th February 2011:
Hi! You asked for a review on my thread, and so here it is! :D
So, this story was a nice change from the usual Sirius stuff.
I liked the plot development when you mentioned about the marauders becoming animagi, and I liked that you got Sirius to be the one in love rather than the girl, Kristi.
I think that in some parts it was a little cliche, like Lily's reaction, and Sirius being "the one and only" but I think these cliches added to the story somehow, and it made it really lovely.
I liked the sudden change at the end, when we found out about Kristi's feelings. I think that it was really painful for Sirius, and you portrayed that well. Also you gave a reason for Sirius never getting married or having kids, so that was really nice to see you had thought about that.
Characterisation was great, I know he was a minor character, but I really liked Remus'. He was quiet but still part of the group, and you showed he didn't want the marauders to become animaguses which he definitely didn't. The main characters were also very good.
Wow! You're first ever one shot? Well for that, it's brilliant, you should definitely write more :)
Great job - 8/10.
~NeverGotHerLetter x x x x x x

Author's Response: Hello! I'm really glad that you think this is different then what is usual for Sirius as I was kinda hoping to make it that way although I have never read anything about just Sirius so I had no idea if I did or not. Also I'm glad you liked the plot line and that I didnt just focus on Sirius and Kristi but that I also added in the guys as well. I know some things were cliche but I'm glad that you think it added to the story rather then detract from it. I'm glad that it was a sudden change at the end for you because i was hoping that people really wouldnt predict that this was going to happen to him. I'm also really happy that you think i did a great job on characterization not just for the main characters but for Remus as well.

Yes this was my first ever oneshot and I do plan on writing more. I actually have about 20 some that I have to write because I'm doing Just For You oneshots to celebrate the 10th anniversary of this site and had about 20 people sign up for it. Thank you for reading and reviewing!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #22, by CharlieDay A Beautiful Injustice

27th February 2011:
Hello, it is me, Charlie here to review your challenge story.
Plot:
It was a good plot, in my opinion. It did not just show Sirius' feelings for Kristi but also what was going on in the world around him. I think this is a good thing because it gives you a more rounded veiw of the Mauraders' life at that time. I also think that it was a good explaination of why Sirius never really had a serious romance as far as the Published world of Harry Potter streches. I was a little confused about the time and what was going on but other than that the plot was very good so i will give you a 4/5 on plot.
Punctuation, grammar typos etc.:
This was also all in all very good, there are a few sentances that could have been done better for example the sentance 'was i not good enough' may have been easier to read if you put it as 'wasn't i good enough'. The flow and sentance structure was very good though so for Grammar, punctuation typos etc. I will give you 3/5.
That totals up to 7/10 which is a very good score (because i am mean and hardly ever give 10/10s)
thank you for entering my challenge,
Charlie.

Author's Response: hey thank you for the review! I really had a lot of fun writing this for your challenge and now i just have to wait a while before i can find out if i did it well enough to place in your challenge. Even if i didnt place i'm really excited to have something posted and to have given a oneshot a chance. The idea came for it right after you gave me my person and important moment and it just evolved from there. I'm really glad you liked it and that you liked that i didnt just focus on Sirius and Kristi.

Thank you for reading and reviewing! Cant wait to see how the rest of your challenge goes!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #23, by Kaida_Snape A Beautiful Injustice

24th February 2011:
Wow, great ending. Figures it would be a girl that spurned him that set him off 'em forever. Anyways, I liked the story and your ideas. It was a little rough, but it was still really good.
I guess it's just a picky thing for me, but perhaps you could italicize the flashback or something to identify it better. But, like I said, it's just me being picky. Really great job otherwise!

Author's Response: hey thanks for the read and review. i'm glad you liked my ideas for this oneshot and that you thought it was good in general. other people have told me as well that i should do something to mark the start of the flashback better so i will get that fixed when i edit it!

Thank you so much!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #24, by LadyMalfoy23 A Beautiful Injustice

23rd February 2011:
Ohhh, sorry it took me so long to get around to your review hun!! This was amazing! I am so glad you finished it the ending was not at all how i expected it to be even though you told me that was what was going to happen. This was a great piece for your first work.

I love how you balanced the ratio of details and dialog perfectly for one shots and it was such a jumble of everything that we know about the marauders. This was my first marauders and it makes me want to go out and read more.

Characterization was amazing, i love how you wrote sirius, and i love how you explained his whole player status that everyone sees him as being! Is nerves seem so normal and add real depth into the story, Remus and James were spot on, how they were about their "Problems", its exactly how i pictured them to be!! More importantly i do however LOVE that you added in Peter!! Not many marauders writers do so this made me smile (even though i dont particularly like him myself)

Plot line was great and to the point with perfect details that added a great depth into the story, I really enjoyed this read! Cant wait to read more!!

Xx Jess

Author's Response: hey hun! dont worry about how long it took you to review real life doesnt hold off for anyone. I'm glad that the ending wasnt how you expected it even though you knew what was going to happen, its nice to know that i did manage to do that part. I'm also really glad you think i did a good job of balancing dialouge and the details and that this made you want to read more marauders fanfics. I'm glad you thought my characterization is good and that you think him being nervous brought depth to the oneshot. I think that Sirius probably did worry about things but that he didnt really let people see that much.

Thank you for taking the time to read and review my oneshot! Thank you so much hun!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #25, by soccerj18 A Beautiful Injustice

23rd February 2011:
Hi luv!

Coming from the forums.

Alright, so I think you characterized Sirius and James pretty well, but I think you were a bit too formal with their speech. For example, I just can't imagine the Marauders calling each other by first names. I know that you were writing this before they became animagi, but it still sounds a bit too formal. I could see them calling each other something like 'mate'.

Secondly, I know this was mentioned before, but I think the flashback could be made clearer. I had to read over a few times to actually catch where it started. So italics would have been lovely right there.

Third, I don't think you developed Kristi and Sirius' relationship enough. To me, it seemed like they got together once or twice, and then Sirius told her she loved him. I think it takes away from the point of the story (that Sirius got rejected in love), because it feels like he was more 'in lust'. So maybe add a bit showing the process of him falling in love. Even a sentence like 'The more time I spent with her, the more...' or something like that.

I hope that helped! But really, good job.

Author's Response: hey thank you for taking the time to read over my oneshot and for reviewing as well. I'm glad you thought it was good and i will keep in mind the advice you gave me. I think i meant to put in something that showed their relationship develop more but that i ended up forgetting that i wanted to add it. Again thank you for your time and the review.

~Slytherinchica08~


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