Well done, this was a great story!! Reuben is simply adorable :) Report Review
A good read and a nice warning to all potential babysitters out there!
I liked it a lot actually, and particularly enjoyed your use of the new generation "all grown up". Characterizations were good and I thought it particularly fitting that James would have a TV (harry'd likely stretch such muggle fun). Its always nice to get a good look at everyday wizarding life. Not everything can be about saving the wizarding world from dark wizards.
This is definitely an untapped generation, and I think your story has incited the plot-bunnies in my own head.Author's Response: Awww Thank you!! Yayayay, I am glad that I gave you some plot bunnies lol. Yes, this would be classed as the next- NEXT generation I guess lol. Yeah I think that Harry would have incorported some muggle itme sinto their lives =). I am soo glad that you liked it and thanks for the review!! Report Review
I liked this story! I think it's very origianal and cute! You're OC is very real and belieavable, and keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thank you very much =) I am so glad that you liked it!! Report Review
aww...it's cute. I like it. I like the fact that it was Teddy's kid, and not just Teddy. It's not quite as ventured into territory. Anyway, I like Ruben. He's very...kidish? He gets into everything, but he seems sweet. I think you've done a great job with it. The park and puppydog eyes...it was great. I loved the plot too...haha.Author's Response: Thank you very much, I am glad that you enjoyed it =). Rueben is very cute! And no-one can resist the puppy dog eyes LOL. Thanks ever so much for the review! Report Review
I loved it! There was humor but also a depth there with Teddy and Vic. I guess the word I'm thinking of is poignant.
You have a way with dialogue that I'm envious of.
The scene in the park where Fred talks to a ladybird and a pigeon was great. Had me chuckling to myself.
I enjoy your sense of humor :)Author's Response: You went on a reviewing spree LOL on my page *happy dance*. I am glad that you enjoyed it and I am glad that you like my way with dialogue *blushes*. Thank you SO much for the review!! Report Review
This is a hilarious one-shot! I love your characterisations of the Next Genners! I love James and Fred! To attract more people, I would definitely cut down on the length a bit, it may out off a few readers. However, I read it all and loved it, so it's completely your choice!
Watch out for the opening of your story:
'Watching my owl gradually disappear into the smoggy city of London, I pondered how I managed to get roped into babysitting my godson on my only day off. Listening to the London midday traffic mixed in with my favourite nature programme coming from the living room, I knocked back the lukewarm coffee that was in my hand.'
These two sentences have similar structure, which can affect the flow of a story... especially at the beginning. I would just swap around a bit and then it will be fine!
I love your dialogue! It's very realistic and believable which adds to a story's reading! Well done!
'Even their clothes looked lifeless' - clothes are lifeless... ? Perhaps say rumpled or creased or something! :) I totally sympathise with Ted and Vic though! Bless them!
'...mimicking Fred’s features.
“I must say,” said Fred proudly. “This kid sure gets more and more good looking every day. Just you wait; you will be fighting the girls off”.' Haha! I love this! Good characterisation and v. funny!
There's a couple of grammar/punctuation things, but that can be looked over by a beta! Also look out for the description:dialogue ratio... there's a huge amount of dialogue, but then when you describe there are quite a lot superfluous comments. I would recommend a beta to edit/look over this, but I do think that the story has the potential to be very good!
It's very funny already! Well done!Author's Response: Argh!! I know, I think I have a problem! I just can't seem to cut my chapters down, I keep thinking that everything must be included =(. I will run it past my beta though and ask her to look over it for me =).
Yeah this one-shot is kind of un-beta it was for a challenge and I just needed to get it out for the deadline. That deadline has long gone now however, so I should have fixed it but I am not going to lie I am just too Lazy LOL. I will try and get it sorted though!
Thanks ever so much for the pointers I will mention them to my beta and I iwll make sure that I include them in. Yeah description hates me, I am all about the dialogue, but yeah I hope to fix that too =)
Thanks ever so much for the great feedback and I am glad that you enjoyed it!! Report Review
I. LOVED. IT! You are amazing! It was hilarious and thoughtful and just great!Author's Response: Aww thanks so much for the review=D, that really cheered up my day!! Glad that you enjoyed it and thanks ever so much for reading and reviewing :-)!! Report Review
He-he I loved this one-shot!
I haven't read very many fics about Metamorphmagus's but this one is definetley the best out of all of them.
It was great and incredibly funny, especially the part where Reuben changed into a tiger and where Fred was talking to the ladybird and pigeon.
xxAuthor's Response: Awww thanks so much for the review and lgad that you enjoyed it!! Yep he just had to talk to the animals as they didn't know what Reuben would turn into next lol. Glad you found it humours, thanks again =D!! Report Review
Hehe, this was so cute! :)
The flow of the story was great, right from one thing and into the next! :) Fred and James seemed so unique it was just hilarous to read. And Everything that Rueben did was so funny. This was a very very very good story!!! :) Sorry it took me so long to get to your review!!
XxJessAuthor's Response: No problem:-), thank you for reading and reviewing!! I am glad that you enjoyed it and thought that Fred and James were unique lol. So happy that you thought the flow was ok, since I wasn't sure about it. Thanks again =D Report Review
Wow!!! I laughed so hard. This story was hysterical. I loved it!!! The humor of the 2 young men dealing with a rambunctious 4 year old cracked me up, especially one as special as little Reuben. It was a riot to read. The plot was great. It read very smoothly. I could totally picture the whole thing in my head. Fabulous story!
KymberAuthor's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing, I am soo happy that you liked this one-shot! =DWhoop, for Reuben he is soo cute and James and Fred they just can't handle the four year old lol. Glad you liked it:-)!! Report Review
"I shouted to my cousin, who seemed to be conversing with a local pigeon." - HILARIOUS! A local one?
Anyway, I really enjoyed this, it was like next NEXT generation wasnt it? James and Fred, what a team! Rueben sounds lovely, poor Ted and Vic!
So glad we did this review swap!! :)Author's Response: I never actually thought about it like that, but yeah it is actually next NEXT generation lol, Oooo JKR really did leave the door wide open, oh the FF possibilites lol. I know I LOVE Fred and James!! Glad you enjoyed the story and happy that we did the review swap too =D!! Report Review
DOM! *hugs* So I'm here because of the review battle, and because it just so happened I never read any of your work. So it works out both ways. :D
Anyways, this was really cute and funny. I think the word count may put some people off a little bit. But their loss, whatever. :P I loved the prospect of it- Metamorphmagus (which I totally spelled wrong, I'm sure) are really interesting. Love how he turned into a tiger!
Great job, lovely. *scurries back to finish her stupid chemistry homework*
-Liza :DDAuthor's Response: *hugs* thanks so much for the review, you chosen pen!! Yeah i know it was a bit long, I always have problems cutting stuff out so I always just leave it in. Glad you enjoyed it =D, I must go read some of yours. Yes hurry up and finish that howework of yours lol. Thanks for the review=D!! Report Review
hello there! i spotted you in the review battle and i thought i'd stop by! :)
firstly, this was a silly little one-shot! i was giggling in some places :) however, that being said, i felt that the humour was slightly diluted by the length. if there are a lot of things that go wrong that you want to present in a rather manic way, then you should do it by focusing on short statements and switching quickly from one scene to another. think of how a film works--you don't get all the closing moments, dialogue, natural flow. what you get is crazy because of the style that it's done with, not just because of the content. that being said, i'd work on varying your sentence structure to include statement-based narration. call a reader's attention with short statements. have the thoughts be in short statements. it creates an atmosphere of immediacy and panic!
i think that your story would benefit from such moods :)
conversely, i feel like the whole story could have focused on rube's little stint in the living room as the tiger. this is really an absurd, but still riveting situation. i would have liked to have seen a lot more focus here and less on dialogue, i suppose. the park wasn't necessary to me; especially with a story that's focusing on just things that keep going wrong, every single detail needs to be super on-purpose...there are some superfluous details i think in the park scene, as well as in the transition periods.
i've also noticed that at the beginning especially you should add in more commas; also some words should be hyphenated :) like "five-year-old." i understand that these are just little things, but it's nice to present a story in which the reader can focus on the content, not the stylistic choices/oversights :)
overall, this story has HUGE potential! if you're interested in editing it, i'd look for a beta :) they're awesome and could really help you make this a true masterpiece!
--lilyAuthor's Response: Aww thanks you so much for the pointers. Yeah I really do need to re-work this story, I had to wack it out before the challenge deadline which is why it may seems a bit gittery, sorry! Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to review and i have taken everything on board :-)! Hopefully when i re-work it, it will be better. Report Review
helllo! this is a request for a review.
Okay, reviews will not give you the in-depth grammatical fixes and nuiances that you are looking for. You need a beta for that.
most of your characters were flat. you said things about them, not show. "Show" don't "tell". Showing often captures the readers, and encourages them to keep reading.
the flow was gittery. You used several sentences starying with 'ing' words. Although this is a cool way to shake things up- you used them much to often and that messed with the flow. I also think if you add more description, you'll not only fix the flow but the characterization flow.
This story has potential to be funny, however the lack of variation in sentence structure as well as shallow characterization makes that difficult.
I'd suggest you take a second look at this- preferably with a beta (so you can get more hands on editing)Author's Response: Thanks so much for your opinion and pointers:-). I have definitely taken them on board for when I attempt to re-work it. I am in the process of looking for a beta so hopefully it will be sorted soon :-). Thanks for taking the time to read and review! Report Review
Hello, I'm here to review as requested.
This was a very light hearted and cute one shot and I liked it. It was very humourous in places and one of my favourite parts has to be when Fred is talking to the lady bird.
The story flowed well and the pace was also good. The dialogue was well written and each had their own unique way of talking. I also think that you did Rueben's speech very well and he did sound like a four year old.
There were few places of missing comma's such as this example "So come on dude spill who was the girl that you were with last night?" which should read "So come on dude spill, who was the girl that you were with last night? Also you occasionally write things like 'cannot' and 'I am' which in normal speech would probably be contracted to 'can't' and 'I'm'. Minor little thing but it will make the dialogue a little less formal.
The characters were very believable. You captured Teddy and vic exhausting and worry well in both what they said and in their descriptions. Fred was highly amusing through out the story and I just loved some of his lines and actions. I also liked James, he was mature, but yet still very much out of his depth in the baby sitting role. All the situations they were in ere quite believable and they seemed to handle them like anyone that age would...although it's not everyday your godson changes into a tiger (and whether or not a metamorphomagus can or can't doesn't bother me because it worked in this story and was pretty funny).
So in conclusion, I enjoyed your story a lot. Well done :DAuthor's Response: Awww thanks so much for taking the time to read and review!! Yes, I need to go and change those 'I am's' etc and insert those commas, it will definitely help it flow a bit more:-). Glad you enjoyed the characterisation and the story. Apparently metamorphmagus can change into a variety of forms so I guess it can be open to interpretation. Thanks again for the review:-)!! Report Review
Well, I loved this. It was so funny and fluffy and cute. I just wanted to hug Rueben!
I loved Fred, he was really, funny, pushing those little kids out of the way. I loved James as well :D
I thought this was well written, entertaining and overall a wonderful little story :)
Hannah xAuthor's Response: I know I see Fred II and James as being like big kids. So glad that you enjoyed it:-) Cheers for the review:-)!! Report Review
Hey! Sorry, I reviewed your other story before seeing you wanted this one reviewed! So I decided to do both(:
It was cute! I really liked James and Fred together, they were funny. And little Reuben sounds absolutely adorable. I've never read anything about Victoire and Teddy's kids, so this was nice! Very well done(: Good work.Author's Response: Ha Ha lol, not to worry they are both appreciated:-)!! Glad that you liked it, me either actually, I may go and see if I can find one. Thanks again for reading and reviewing!! Report Review
This story is incredibly cute. The only thing you really need ot work on is the flow of your writing and grammer. Overall its pretty good!Author's Response: Cheers for reading and review, thanks for the pointers I am trying to work those out=D. Thank you! Report Review
Hi! Here for your review.
This is a cute premise. Though I didn't know that Metamorphmagi could turn into animals. I really like the set up and the idea. It seems quite reasonable.
Now about language: I think you need to work on word choice. You wrote this in a very informal style that I think could be refined to make it better. I know that your James isn't an intellectual or anything, but you don't have to write him so informally.
Also about spelling/grammar: Mainly it was good, but I did see some mistakes. "You be good for your Uncle’s now ok?" This should be "uncles"Author's Response: It says that they can take a wide variety of forms so just depends on how you interpret it, i guess:-). Glad you like the idea, Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review. Also for the language and grammar tips I have made a note of what you said, Thanks again:-) Report Review
Hi! So you asked for a review, and as I'm on half term, I had so much time to write it, so here it is!
So you wanted to know about flow. I think the general plot flowed very well, but there's one thing that could make it so much better; in general speech, people usually say "it's" rather than "it is" and "I'm" rather than "I am" and stuff like that. I think that in the bits of the story when Fred or James are talking, you should edit the story so instead of saying "it is" they say "it's" just so the flow is better and it sounds like normal speech and makes the reader feel like they are actually saying it.
Next is humour. I think it's very funny, and predictable, the number of times Reuben got lost (nice name for Ted and Victoire's son by the way) and the number of times James and Fred panicked. Also the tiger thing was just plain genius, although I'm not sure whether Metamorphmagus' actually CAN turn in to whole animals, or whether they can just change their features in to that of an animal, for example Tonks' pig snout. I think it's just the features, but whatever, the story was funny anyway :)
Finally, just one bit of constructive criticism, when you call James "Jamie" I was really confused as I thought "Jamie" was your name for an OC. I think you need to make it clearer that you are actually speaking from James Potter II's view, and that it's not an OC.
But overall very good. I loved your characterisation of James, Fred and especially Rueben. And it was nice to see your characterisation of Ted and Vic when they have a toddler and another child on the way!
You could write another one shot on James writing the Metamorphmagus instruction guide :)
7/10 - very good :)
~NeverGotHerLetter x x x x x x x x xAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review:-). Thanks so much for the pointers on flow, I will definitely get that changed. Yeah I am not sure about the Metamorphamgus thing either I read that they can take a wide variety of forms, so I guess it maybe depends on how you interpret it, but then again I did find this info off the internet so I guess we will never know lol. I will try and get the 'Jamie' thing cleared up maybe mention it somewhere before hand. Thanks so much for the tips and pointers they have all been noted:-) and I may attempt to write the Metamorphmagus one shot in the future. Thanks again=D Report Review
Haha! This is so funny .. It really made my day a lot better since I've not been in the best mood! Thanks for that :)Author's Response: Aww you're welcome, this just made my day, I'm so happy that I managed to cheer you up =D. Thanks you for reading and reviewing means alot:-)! Report Review
I'm terribly sorry that it took me this long to review this. RL has been crazy this week and I only now got a moment to read this. What a shame that is!
This is a great little one shot. It was cute and entertaining and so full of funny fluff that I could have died. Well done!!
MelissaAuthor's Response: Awww no problem, and thank you so much for taking the time to read and review:-). Glad you enjoyed it!! Report Review
I think that was absolutely awesome. It was extrememly funny and very well writtenAuthor's Response: Awww thank you ever so much! :-D. Cheers for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Cute! I am just glad that my kids stayed human and could only pretend to be animals. Thanks for writing!Author's Response: Ha Ha I know, right. I reckon kids would be so much scarier and impossible to handle if they had the ability to turn into animals too. Thanks so much for the review and your thoughts:-)!! Report Review
Hey! Sorry for taking so long to write this.
Aw, I love the bit where Reuben asks how the animal got into the TV. So sweet :)
I've never read a story where a metamorphmagus turns into an animal. Actually, I didn't even know it could be done! But it was a brilliant idea making him turn into a tiger :D
You wrote as a child very well; Rueben is so adorable. I'd love to see an extra chapter with James' instruction guide :L But that would be challenging to write.
There's just one mistake I found: "What do I have mug written across my forehead?". There should be a comma after 'what'. That's it :)
An amusing story to read. Well done :)
Sophia xAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review!! Yeah neither did I lol, I knew they could change but not to what extent so I thought, hey why not a tiger lol. Thanks for the heads up on the grammar, mine is terrible lol. Aww I love Reuben too. *thinks of potential one-shot/short story for an instruction guide* ha ha could possibly be done, that guide would be one hefty book though. Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the review!! Report Review
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