Wow! Amazingly written point of view. Poor Harry.
I think every person mentioned in your story is spot on. Excellent job.
I think my favorite (difficult to choose by the way) would probably be Hermione followed closely by Snape.
She never left Harry. She was with him through it all... even at his parent's graves. She was brilliant and never faultered. You were so right.
You should definitely be very proud of this story.
I loved the emotion in it. Celebrate later, but this day was for the fallen and for those who may have lived, but still lost and sacrificed in different ways.
Even seeing Hogwarts in such a horrible state would've been devastating and shocking.
You did an excellent job describing it in such wonderful detail.
I want to encourage you to keep writing. Perhaps longer stories would be in your future? :)
Hope this cheers you.
Best wishes Firefly,
Dark WhisperAuthor's Response: Oh I love this review so much!!!
It really has made my day!
I loved writing about all of the different people, what they meant to Harry and how much they sacrificed for him. It gave me the chance to see exactly how much everyone went through, including Harry.
Thank you for saying I should be proud of this story. It is definitely one of my favourites that I have written.
Longer stories are in my future! I have a short story collection in motion at the moment based on Arthur and Molly. I also have my Dramione to write, which I am a little scared of but I'm going to bite the bullet and start writing it again.
Thank you so so much for this review, it really has boosted my confidence! Report Review
I loved this story. You seem to have caught Harry perfectly.
It shows the determination that can reside in the human spirit. Yes indeed well done on a job well done.
10/10 and adding to favs for sure.
If you like this kind of thing please read my story Was it Worth it. It's 15+ and is about Harry taking a break down after the battle.Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing!
I'm glad you liked the story and I am so happy to hear that you think I caught Harry perfectly, it was what I was hoping to do.
And wow, thanks to adding it to your favourites!
I shall give your story a read! :) Report Review
((C'est moi, Tim, whose review is long overdue! =P))
I wasn't sure about this as I was reading it, as it became apparent that it was going to be a largely reflective piece, as opposed to a narrative that would introduce new parts to the plot - but as I read, I actually prefer it that way.
I think there's a gaping hole in the books with regards to Harry's relationship with Lupin - his death seems completely irrelevant to Harry, and your work really goes into the depth that I would have liked to have read.
And actually, Harry's a selfish little prat in the books, so it's nice to read a take on him that actually appreciates the shit he's been dragged through!
But it goes a long way in showing all the details that I'd not really considered before; who'd sacrified what, etc.
It's generally well written, and I can't think of much else to say~Author's Response: Hi Tim :)
I'm glad I changed your mind!
I know what you mean about Harry in the books! He does my head in, especially in Order of the Phoenix. Writing this story was a chance for me to actually appreciate him as the main character of the series and realise exactly what he went through.
Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Oh my god, this is amazing! As soon as I finished reading it, I scrolled straight back to the top again and reread it! I think you displayed everything Harry was feeling brilliantly. You really did an amazing job!Author's Response: Wow, you re-read it? *gushes with happiness*
I'm glad you liked it that much.
Thank you so much for your review, it has cheered me up so much :) Report Review
Okay. How do I breathe?!? In... Out... In... Out...
This was fantastic! Now, I am usually someone who does not touch fics with Harry as the MC with a ten foot pole, but this one absolutely took my breath away! (Not convinced, see above in the review. =]) The words were so vivid and so clear that I felt like I could connect with him and I understood the story so well and all skepticism for a Harry fic was taken away within the first paragraph! It really surprised me of how well the story came across to me, so thumbs up on the characterization, the plot, the writing, EVERYTHING! Jane most certainly was right in your status' comments; this really is VERY good!
Have a great day, and keep up the awesome
-gingerAuthor's Response: *passes gingersnape a brown bag to steady her breathing* wow you liked it that much?!
I am exactly the same as you, I NEVER read fics with Harry as the MC let alone write them, they just don't appeal to me.
Wow, you have no idea how happy it makes me feel reading your review! The fact that I changed your view on Harry fics and that you felt like you connected with him just makes me feel amazing, it's what I really really wanted the story to do.
Gaaah, I keep re-reading it because it just makes me so happy!! *hugs*
Thank You!! Report Review
Hi there...ravenclaw_princess responding with your review.
I rally liked this story. Your have captured Harry exactly like I would imagine him to be after the war. he always felt so guilty about dragging people into the war and I could just imagine him walking off on his own after the final battle to reflect on it all. I think you got Harry spot on.
The story flowed really well through all the people that Harry lost and I like they way they all seemed to connect to each other, ie how from Dumbledore he went onto Snape. The paragraphs for each were short, but that just highlighted how many people he had lost and it worked well for this story.
I noticed a few grammar errors. As this is for the writers duel, I would recommend a beta, there's nothing major, but they will be able to help find them. Here are three of them
3rd paragraph Their faces swam in front of Harry' eyes = Harry's
Ron to had made sacrifices for Harry = too
Harry thought of Fred, lay with the other fifty = lying
The other thing I noted was that was at too places you said 6 years instead of seven
'Six years of memories flooded Harry's mind.' and
'Throughout those six years as a student he had been watched over by a brilliant wizard; Albus Dumbledore.' With this one, Dumbledore was only there for 6 years with Harry, but I think it needs to be reworded to reflect this such as 'Throughout those first six years as a student, he had been watched over by a brilliant wizard; Albus Dumbledore.' Minor change but it will end confusion.
This is a really good story, I love the mood you created with it and you encapsulated Harry completely. Well doneAuthor's Response: Hi thank you for your review :)
Oh yay *does happy dance* I got Harry spot on? that makes me so happy. I cannot repeat enough how nervous I was writing him, I just see him as JKR's property!
I'm glad the short paragraphs worked. I could have wrote for ages about each character and it would have ended being about 6,000 words but in my head I just imagined Harry's mind to be going through all the different people who had died quite quickly. I wanted it to seem like he was overwhelmed by all of it.
I've have taken your advice and had a beta read it over, the edited chapter is now in the queue. I think I was just so excited about finishing the story and getting it posted that I didn't proof-read it properly *looks sheepish*
Thank you for your lovely review :) Report Review
firefly910: Hey hey! Laurie here with your requested review! Sorry it's took me a while to get around, I'm usually quicker but I had quite a queue forming. :P
First of all, I'd like to comment on the summary; Which is something I don't usually do, But I'd just like to say I liked how it wasn't overdone. The two sentences were enough to sum-up your peice without over-doing it. And that banner is lovely, Those people @ tda are so talented *jealousy!*
I love the idea of this fic and I can totally imagine Harry wanting to reflect on all the people he's come across in his life and who has helped him. The first paragraph shows good characterization of Harry immediatly because I think we can all agree on the fact that Harry wouldn't be partying with the rest of them; He'd be too guilty from the amount of deaths.
"But now, now the hole was so big that it threatened to consume him, to take over his whole body so that all that would be left was a shell, a body without feeling." This quote is amazing. I think it really helps the reader connect with Harry's pain well, It choked me up reading it, honestly.
The way the paragraphs changed from person-to-person could be seen as moving too fast, but I liked the way you did this. I think it helps the reader see how many people Harry has lost, not just in the war. I like the links you made to his parents and other's that died before the war also, because it shows that Harry's been hurting for a long time.
I don't think you need to worry about the characterization of Harry, I think you've got it down to a T.
P/s. 9/10.Author's Response: Hi Laurie. Thanks for reviewing :)
I did toy with making the summary a bit more detailed but I just couldn't decide on anything. And then I thought why not just keep it simple and sum it up in two sentences. I'm glad you liked it, it appears it had the effect I was aiming for. The banner is beautiful isn't it? When nala did it for me I couldn't believe how much the banner went with my story, I love it so much.
*dances around* I'm so happy you think my characterization of Harry is immediate, I was so scared about writing him. He's not someone I've focused on as the main character before, I've always felt daunted by how JKR wrote him.
Oh wow, you said it was amazing! Thank you. I am proud of that sentence. I had that in my head a soon as I started writing the piece. It choked you up? Wow again, I'm amazed that my writing could do that to someone.
I agree with that it could be seen as moving too fast point. I could feel it going really fast as I wrote it but I couldn't think of another way to fit all the people who had touched Harry's life in, so I'm glad you liked it because I was worried about it.
Including Harry's parents was really important to me because it is the basis for the whole story, I thought bringing them in when talking about other people who had died would show just how much Harry had lost.
*dances around again* Down to a T? That has made my day, seriously.
Thank you so much for that review, it's made me extremely happy :) Report Review
wow. i really liked this, it was very moving to see Harry just remember about everyone who helped him along the way and were now gone, and snape, whom i have never actually liked, with his love for lily just blew me away and it makes me so sad that everyone gave so much just because of one wizard that thought the wizarding world ought to be his. it hurts to remember, because everyone is always "ooh, dramione! and harry having a twin! and falling in love!" when the important thing about the whole series is about how they all stood together to get their world back. wow.
nice to exchange reviews with you :D -miss from the forumsAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing :)
I know what you mean, this is the first time I've ever tackled a serious subject when I comes to fan fiction. I am guilty of being all about Dramione. But when the Writer's Duel came along, the idea for this one shot just appeared in my head and I had to write it.
I'm glad you thought it was moving :)
I'm off to review one of yours now :) Report Review
Hi electricfeel here from the forums with your review :)
You've chosen a really interesting time to write about. Many focus on years after the war, not those few moments. I think you captured Harry's hurt well, I don't think Harry would ever be able to truly celebrate the war being over, especially after the horrors he's been through and the loved ones he's lost. So I really liked that aspect of it.
I also liked the introduction; the short, blunt sentences mirrored Harry's feelings in that moment. Harry would see no more than just ruin in those moments and that's what you start by introducing. It really sets the tone for the rest of the story.
I think I would have liked for it to finish on a more hopeful tone, but then I don't know how fitting that would be given the feel of the rest of the story. I think that's just a personal thing for me.
Overall it was a good one-shot and I think you captured Harry well :) Feel free to request again.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing :)
I also thought that it would be interesting to write about the moments immediately after the Battle, I just had this vivid image in my head of how Harry would look and feel.
I'm glad the short sentences worked. I did play around with longer sentences but they felt to descriptive and detailed. I wanted to convey the shock of what had happened to Hogwarts and what Harry would see looking at it.
I understand your wanting it to end on a hopeful tone. At first I was aiming for that but as I wrote the story I changed my mind. Personally at that exact moment I don't think Harry would have been thinking about hope so I chose to leave it out.
I'm glad you liked it and that you think I captured Harry well :) Report Review
Hi there firefly910--its LMW from the forums with your review request.
Your biggest concern according to your request was how you managed to write Harry. I think Harry is a pretty solid extunuation of the Harry written about in the books.
Post Battle Hogwarts its a very interesting topic to take on because you have a bit of given direction to what happened but we can only speculate on other parts. For instance, we know that Kingsley was part of the progressive Ministry post war, but we don't know how the Trio reacted in helping to rebuild Hogwarts or the kind of magic it took. You had a lot of freedom to how Harry would react. And I think you chose a good way to reflect on the deaths.
Your descriptions were pretty accurate; you did a good job of painting a picture of what Hogwarts was supposed to look like through Harry's eyes. And I think you did a good job of translating each of Harry's memories to the observations he made around him.
Your flow and pacing works well; it seems kind of disjointed but in a good way. The idea of Harry's exhuastion and numb but clearly affected nature are reflected in the waves of memories of people who meant something and changed Harry's life.
My suggestions are more technical than actual stylistic in nature. I would reccomend a beta read. I know that you had some typos in some areas. For instance, "Happy memories started to seep into hid mind." I know you meant 'his mind' but just having someone else read over your work will help improve it.
Another suggestion would be your usage of semi-colons. They are used incorrectly; a semi-colon is supposed to seperate two complete thoughts and connect them without a comma and conjunction. You use them to set off characters in most instances; I would reccomend a dash or a colon for those sort of structures. I would also reccomend reading over your diction choice. You use passive verbs with some very powerful imagery, and I personally believe that it takes away from your one-shot. Making these tweaks and changes will really amp up the way it affects the reader.
I hope this was a helpful review. You did great justice to the characters that Harry rememebered. It would become even better with those edits I included.
LMWAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for that helpful review!
I have such a problem when it comes to the technical stuff in writing. All of your suggestions make so much sense and I really should of asked someone to read over it. I think I was just to excited about having it finished, I just wanted to get it into the queue. I am definitely going to find a beta to read it over. I really want this to be the best it can be.
I'm glad you think I did justice to the characters I included and that I chose a good way to reflect on the deaths. I did think about setting the story a while after the Battle but I wanted the emotions to be extremely raw for Harry and I don't think it would have worked quite as well.
Again thank you so much for your review, it is so helpful and I am sure will enable me to make the story even better Report Review
This was brilliant, Callie! When you brought up Fred I nearly cried. I love how you went for the obvious, but really made them stand out aside from the obvious! This was really great! I love it just so, so much! :)Author's Response: Awww Anna thanks for the lovely review :)
I almost cried writing about Fred!
I read over the the part where he dies in DH before I wrote it and I was so upset I'm surprised I could even type.
I went for the obvious people because I thought they still needed to be wrote about, I'm glad you think I made them stand out :)
So happy you loved it :) :) Report Review
wow hun this turned out great!! i loved how you focused in on some pretty important people especially snape. i loved how you talked about snape and when you mentioned how he had to see the eyes of the women he loved on the person he had to protect.. i really liked it. i thought it was a well put together piece. you did a great job with harry's emotions and thoughts. i really dont think he would have done much celebrating that day it would have been a lot of reflection of the people who were lost and i think it will take him quite a while to not think of it. i think even in his future he will still think of all these people but it wont hurt as much. again great job on this its great.
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hi hun *hugs*
It's funny because the Snape section is actually my favourite part of the whole piece but Snape is like my least favourite character. I don't know where it came from because I thought I'd struggle with him but it was just so easy to write!
*glows with happiness again* I could hug all of you for what you're saying about how I wrote Harry. I was really really scared about it, but everyone has responded so well :D
I'm glad you liked it :) Report Review
Well done. This really sounds like Harry, and I'm glad you wrote this. Most people tend to overlook the fact that Harry must have suffered a lot due to all the deaths. Very moving.Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing :)
I am so glad that everyone thinks it sounds like Harry, it's exactly what I wanted to hear.
These reviews are making me seriously happy :D
The fact that people tend to overlook him is part of the reason I wanted to write it, to give people a view of what he might have been thinking that day.
Thank You again for reviewing! Report Review
CALLIE!! :D this is great, you deserve to be proud of this story. It is truly remarkable. The emotion hits home that is for sure. It seems so like Harry to have felt this way about it all. This is just so harry and such a great flow of his mind after the disater of thew war. Another great love form miss firefly910 :d xx JessAuthor's Response: JESS!!! :D
Thank You so much for your review, I am so glad people are liking this story because I am so so proud of it!
I am so happy I got Harry right, that was my main worry.
Yay, it flows, thank goodness :)
Thank for review so quickly :D Report Review
Hello! I liked this story, sad stuff but perfect for the collab!Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing :)
I'm glad you liked it :) Report Review
Wow, i really did like it. there's no dialogue, but then, there really isn't a reason for dialogue. That was really great. I Think it's going to go into my favorites now. You should be proud of it; great job!Author's Response: Thank you for your review :)
Wow, I'm glad you liked it enough to put it in your favourites *glows with happiness*
I loved this.
Let me just say, first of all, that you are brave. I considered writing about Harry for the duel, but knew I wouldn't be able to capture his character the right way. But while most of us write about minor characters, background characters, or people who are easier to write about because their personalities aren't quite set in stone - you chose to write about the heart of the whole story. Because it really is about the legacy of Harry Potter and it call comes down to him; and he is the most complex, important, beautiful character in the entire HP universe. And I really think you wrote him brilliantly.
Favorite line: He had paid for it by having to see the eyes of the woman he had loved and lost in the face of a boy he had to protect.
Loved that. Very haunting. 10/10.
:)Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for that review, it has made my day!
I was so scared about writing Harry because, like you said, he is the heart of the whole story. I've never wrote about him before and it was very daunting. Seeing you say that I wrote him brilliantly is the best comment I could ever have asked for, it means I did it correctly.
And as for that line, when I wrote it I had to re-read it a couple of times, I couldn't believe I'd came up with it. I really do think it fits Snape.
Thank you so so much for you review, it has made me smile so much :) Report Review
Hey Callie! *hug*
Okay, so you already know what I think of this story - I just love it. =] All the emotions you've put into it are just so raw and real, I can't help but feel the same things Harry does as he's reflecting on all those who have lost their lives.
I truly think this is amazing, Callie, and I wish you the best of luck in the duel! Gah, I just love this. =] Don't forget to send in the link to your story! You're amazing. *hug*
Love, LOve, LOVe, LOVE!!! xoxoxoAuthor's Response: Jane! *hug*
That just put a huge smile on my face!
I really wanted to get Harry's emotions right for this, all of those people were so important to him. I wanted to do it justice so I'm glad you feel that way.
I sent the link to my story to the competition as soon as it was validated, I am so excited and nervous!!
You're amazing too, thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
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