Wow, this is great! I don't normally read next generation stories, but this once is really good. I'm adding this to my favourites!Author's Response: I'm so glad that my story is an exception! It makes me really happy that you think it's great and everything, so thanks so much! Report Review
Ooh, an update!
Well, first of all, I like Rose, very much. She's got a funny narrative voice, and I enjoyed the painfully awkward silence with Scorpius. I just hope he doesn't start dating Danielle! I also liked the altercation with Nott ('sworn enemies', ha!). Albus is quite the stealthy boy, isn't he? And of course he'll end up with Cordelia (or at least, I'm hoping). I thought the use of clothing descriptions as a means of telling about character was really cool as well. And I have to say, I giggled a bit at Rose: "I'm going to the library." You made her just enough Hermione to be believable as her daughter.
Now, a few criticisms. First, I think you might want to look into a beta, or an editor, just to catch some small grammatical mistakes. They can make a world of difference.
Second, maybe do some more descriptive work? Tell what Rose notices in Hogwarts, and maybe mention how the rest of the characters dress. You mentioned Jervis had eccentric style, does that mean she swears Weird Sister's t-shirts and combat boots or does she dress like Luna Lovegood?
Overall though, this was a very good chapter. I'll be back for more :)Author's Response: I hope he ends up with Cordelia too, but you never know ;)
And Scorpius with Danielle... I'll leave that for another chapter to answer.
I would have a beta if I knew how to find/get one, trust me. I know my grammar is a little off, but hopefully it'll improve or I'll find someone to help me with that.
Thanks for the criticism, it was really helpful and I'll definitely keep it in mind. Thanks for reviewing in general, and I'll be very glad to see you back! :) Report Review
I really like the idea behind your story and I think it could be great. But, I was getting lost in the story and had trouble keeping track who was who and their connection to each other. I think if you set up the scene more and painted a little clearer picture with more detail it would be great. Your dialogue was overall very good but I just had trouble following it at times because lack of establishing scene.
But, keep going I am really excited to read more!Author's Response: Another reader has commented on that too, I and I agree now that I think about it. I'll make sure to revise the other chapters I've wrote so far so it's easier to understand.
Thank you for reviewing, and I do hope you return to read more! :) Report Review
Not a bad beginning. I found it a little hard to keep the characters straight and to follow what exactly was going on, maybe slow down the chapters a bit? I'm sure you'll figure it out as you go though. Take a bit more time to describe things as well. Otherwise, excellent dialog, and I like the diversity of the characters presented. I'd like to see more :)Author's Response: Reading your review, I now understand what you mean and I do think I'll have to slow it down a bit. Everything is all just planned out so clearly in my head that I've forgotten that the readers can't read my mind :P
Thank you very much, and I do hope you come back for the next chapter :) Report Review
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