Hi! Iīm a little confused here. Do you still write this story?
I hope you intend to continue since I find it both fresh and fascinating...Sometimes itīs difficult for me to follow with the language, I need to stay concentrated to understand but I guess thatīs good training for me xD
What I like about this story is I donīt know where itīs gonna end up. Is this a love story? A thriller? I dunno but Iīm captivated by your original and well-done oc. ;) Itīs kind of fresh with a "duty and apperence abouve all" character with guts and brain (!).
If I log in and fav do you promise to update? haha Report Review
Hey Ellie! I'm here to return our swap :) I've actually been wanting to check this story out for a while.
Woah, Lia's dream was intense! I really liked the flow in that section, and the way you used the imagery made it really easy for me to picture the scene. I could definitely imagine her like a glamorous movie star, posing for the cameras as she prepared to embrace her brilliant destiny. Then, watching the dream fall apart was really powerful. What a great way to start a story!
I liked the section where you described Lia getting ready and rushing to work. The sense of urgency there was very tangible. If I was to make a suggestion, it would be to clear up that part where she re-checks her watch and confirms that she's really, really late. It seemed like she already figured that out when she woke up from her dream, so it seems a little redundant and confusing.
The part with Sirius was great. I get the sense that there's some tension coming between them, as well as between Lia and Jason. I was a little confused as to why he would request to move her things from one cubby to another, besides the fact that it's Sirius and he likes to mess with people :D
Your writing style is really nice and I like this plot so far. I suspect I'll be back to read more later.
Thanks for the swap :)
Amanda Report Review
I could tell it was a dream pretty early by the language you were using and just the overall tone of it. I thought it was a nice touch because it shows a lot about your character right away and it gave us an idea of how much she cares about healing and her job. It makes her hating being late and irresponsible more poignant and real. I wish we had spells as quick as her to make hair lay flat so quickly, it would be helpful for when I lay in! ;D
I really like the set up you have with this story and i've always had this idea that St. Mungo's could be a really interesting place for a first war story to take place. I connected to it because I suppose i see it the same way (at least, from what i get from the summary) that the Order may use it for their own advantage and that they wouldn't necessarily go there to be healed as the years go on because of mistrust and fear of which side the Healers are one. This is really intriguing and i'm definitely interested in reading more after this point.
I liked how Sirius introduced himself, he has this cocky way about him in your story that we can already tell which is great since we see so little of him. Although, it was a little hard to imagine she wouldn't have been able to figure out who it was as not many people were called Sirius at that time i don't think... though i suppose it would depend on their association at Hogwarts where she'd make that connection or not.
Lia also seems to be interesting and i think she'll be a strong voice to tell your story. I wonder how Sirius or the Order will convince them to help her and basically throw away her dreams of being a big time Healer.
Anywa, overall, i think this was a great first chapter and i really enjoyed reading this! It's a really interesting premise! Report Review
Heya! Perelandra from the forums! :)
The first part I didn't know what to think of your main character. She felt cocky, too full of herself and shallow. And then I read that it was a dream...Haha, in dreams we're allowed to be better than anyone else. We're all guilty of doing that so I definitely enjoyed it! I liked how you began to describe the dream turning into a nightmare. However, right at the beginning, the very first small paragraph, the two sentences would make it sound better if combined or if you were to add more. It just reads weird and it starts with an awkward flow that you managed to grasp in the second paragraph. If you were to combine both sentences you'll definitely achieve that nice flow right at the beginning.
I really like the set up that you had towards the end. I even laughed at the name Sirius chose. She seems like an interesting character and I hope you keep her that way throughout the story without making a Mary-Sue. I'm interested, thought, why she wanted to run away from Sirius. This was a great beginning and I hope I get to read more in the future!
Until next time!
--Rosie Report Review
Things got very strange in this chapter--a lot of split-second recognition that I didn't quite understand. I mean, I know why it would be insulting to be called what she called him, but I'm missing the importance of the note and what Lia is involved in. Perhaps we don't know the latter yet, though.
The whole love-bug stuff was funny, though as a woman myself I was a bit offended by Sirius's antics, and so I felt for Lia there :P
It's just occurred to me that if Lia is involved in something and if she's remembering her father's advice like this, there's probably some good reason for the way that she has nightmares and that she gets so worried about things. There's this sort of sinister feel to the goings-on here, and I'm not sure if it's just me being paranoid or if I'm meant to feel it. Either way, this is getting interesting, and I can't tell if I'm supposed to be looking forward to the "date" or not, so I guess I'll just read on to see :D Report Review
So. I am here like, a thousand years late, for a TGS review swap. I think it was supposed to be for May? I honestly have no excuses for being so late and I'm SO SO SO SO SORRY I didn't get here on time :(
That being said, I shall launch into my review!
I admit, I had no idea that the beginning was a dream and fully expected to encounter a slightly cocky and self-confident, albeit quite accomplished witch at the end of the ceremony. I was a bit surprised and only very slightly disappointed to realize that this was a new healer and her life looked much more like a realistic bundle of chaos than the "American glam movie" of her dream. And the dream turning into a nightmare was horrifying; it was excellent imagery, I had a very clear view of everything turning dark and all the creepy stares. I'm getting shivers now, just describing it back to you alsjhflkajsdhflkas
I thought this was written well, too, in a casual and energetic voice. I'm interested to know where the story is going and I hope that Lia doesn't get in TOO much trouble for being late to work! She seems stylish, too, I'm just going to say--practical kitten heels, psh, I nearly broke my ankle last time I tried to wear them and she's going to march around St. Mungo's all day in them, healing people, for that matter! I'll definitely read on, this was a very interesting first chapter. (Again, SO SORRY that it's been forever since I was supposed to have reviewed D: )
-lilyAuthor's Response: Hi Lily!!!
I'm sorry I equally am terrible at the review/response thing. I have been MIA for quite some time and though that does not make up for anything. I'm still sorry! :(
I'm glad you enjoyed this first chapter. I combined it with the second so I think your review for that might be lost now, but I'm glad you got the creepys when the dream shifted into a nightmare. Yay well-writtenness! Yeah, the heels will go soon. First impressions go far, but heels as a Healer is silly :P
Thanks again for your kind review.
xx Ellie Report Review
I meant to review this earlier, when I saw you posted it, but I just had time now :)
So, this may be a filler, in terms of plot, but I think you establish more of Lia's personality here. The extended scene with Penny was nice, because it really showed that Lia is caring and dedicated. She handled the situation well, and in a kind, confident way, which shows that she is very suited to the job. While she may be stressed and perfection seeking, I think she still has the right heart for the job (as cliched as that sounds.)
It's interesting that you're expanding the setting with in St. Mungo's as well. It makes sense that there would have to be a place for injuries that were unable to be cured by most witches and wizards but still pretty easy to fix. And I also see why the trainees would have to work there.
The end of the chapter sets up something interesting, I think. Lia handles Frederic-Pierre pretty well, though he is a rather intolerant guy. And then the very last line made me very interested as to who the healer who wasn't asleep was. The way you mentioned it, it seems like he may have some sort of important part in the coming chapters. I'm intrigued.
I wasn't really reading this for grammar/typos, but I did catch one thing: "sever manner." I think you mean "severe."
Overall, this chapter was a nice continuation. If I'm right, you seem to be setting up from more action in the future, which is important. I wonder what Lia's visit will be like. And who the other Healer is. Hopefully he won't be too problematic for Lia. While there's no hurry, I'll be excited when the next chapter comes out! Report Review
This was an obvious filler but it was great. It was written well. Update soon 9/10 : )Author's Response: Thank you, hun! Maybe I've update sometime next year haha. Report Review
I love this story! Lia is such an original character. I can't wait to see how she and Sirius interact when forced to work together again. Their relationship is simple incredible. This has become one of my favorite stories and I'm excited for more! :)Author's Response: Thanks luvinpadfoot! A review and a fav. *squishes* I'm flattered and I really appreciate the time you took to review!
I'm glad you feel like Lia is an original character. Yes, the dynamic between the pair is deep seeded and chock-full of mood swings. Quite fun to write ;) Hopefully I'll get the next chapter out by the end of week. Thanks for reading, glad you enjoy it, and I hope you continue to enjoy Marrow!
NRB Report Review
Hello, again :)
And this story keeps getting more tense. Lia's teasing of Sirius seems a bit confusing, since I would have thought she would have wanted to make a good impression, for the sake of the Order. But Sirius' reaction also takes things way out of proportion. I get the sense that I'm missing some history here. But that only adds to the intrigue.
It is interesting to see the comparison between Lia and Sirius. Sirius seems jaded by the War, and scarred by loss. Lia has more trouble with her family, from what I've read. But both have their own share of internal struggle.
Lia's ability to calm herself down, and her need for perfection (as described at the end of the chapter) is surprising. It's as if cleaning her house is somehow erasing all of her problems during the day. While that's perhaps not the most healthy way of dealing with things, it makes sense for Lia, who seems to not have many social connections.
One technical thing I noticed: "And not once did Lia get a refrain from his irate spirits." I'm not sure if "refrain" is the right word here. Did you mean "respite"?
Overall, you've created an interesting, but certainly flawed character in Lia. And you've got a conflict set up already between her and Sirius. I have to say, I wish there was more to read, because I want to know how things play out. Good job and I'm glad I had the chance to read this story. :DAuthor's Response: A, hopefully not, finally Hello & response to your lovely reviews :)
Tee he. I've added a bit of filler to help with the history and their reactions will hopefully be better explained in the future. As you've said they ar both strained characters and war brings out the best and worst in people unfortunately. It's a fragile time for them both. One being asked to put everything she's hoped for on the line by someone she hates, and the other finally asking for help from someone he would rather not help out. I hope that explains a little bit better for now :P
Lia's a perfectionist yes. The next chapter will expand on her inner dilemnia I hope.
Opps. I changed it to respite haha. Thanks for catching that!
Thanks Haley! More will be up eventually :) I'm glad you enjoyed what is up so far though. Thanks for everything! Report Review
This chapter certainly opens up more interesting possibilities. Your description of the Fairy Bar is intriguing, but the setting seems to fit with the wizarding world in general. It sounds beautiful, really.
I have to say, Lia is pretty harsh when it comes to judging others. I'm not saying that's a horrible thing, but the way she is annoyed with Jason seems a bit abnormal. I suppose though, she keeps these thoughts inside her head. It would be unacceptable, really, for her to say that out loud, even if Jason isn't organized. Through her critique of others, you make it clear what Lia values in herself, and in others.
One mistake in grammar I noticed: "7 minutes tardy" You should write out the word "seven" here.
Good job overall, there's only one more chapter for me to look at :( I'm interested to see how the meeting goes.
Oh, and what actress is Lia in your chapter images and banner? I've been wondering that.Author's Response: Hi!
I edited the chapter a bit here and there to amend for what you mentioned about Jason, to explain her actions more. Which I'm going to be trying to do more in the future now that you've brought it up in this chapter and the 5th chapter.
Yes, she's very decisive about what she likes, dislikes, can do, and cannot. She thinks she knows all about herself, which will make more sense when her parents pop into the fic later, but she can't possibly have all the control she wants. It's not humanly possible. (Aside to my OC: Sorry Lia :P)
Mostly, she's portrayed by Leighton Meester from Gossip Girls.
Thanks again for the lovely review! They been most helpful and constructive :)
ellie Report Review
Wow, there's definitely more action in this chapter. I can't help feeling a bit sorry for Lia though. Her father makes life sound horribly depressing and though it seems Lia understands this, that's not a healthy thing to be taught as a child.
It does, however, seem to explain some of Lia's mistrust of Sirius, as does her recollections of his teasing. But even if he made her life horrible, she really seems to resent him. How long has it been since she left Hogwarts?
Interesting, Lia cursed in French. I wonder if that says anything interesting about her heritage. It's probably not instinctive (as you described it) for most people to curse in a non-native language.
Ah, this last part makes me want to read more. Is she a member of the Order of the Phoenix? You have a talent for cliff hanger/suspenseful endings to chapters. :)Author's Response: Hi hi!
Yay, action. Eventually, everything leads to action, which is always more fun to read :P
She's only been out of Hogwarts for two-ish months at this point. Sirius' been out and in the war front for a year and some change.
It is a tell, her french, but she is not native french. ;)
Ah, that she is a member as you can tell from the later chapters I'm sure. Yay suspense/ways to make my readers keep reading!
I like watching your questions and thoughts progress. Lovely reviews, thank you :)
--Ellie Report Review
Hi! I'm here to give you a review from the TGS review swap. :D I saw the lovely reviews you left me, and will respond, but wanted to start on your story first.
It is funny that we both have stories with Healers, perhaps we were paired up because of that.
Moving on, I like the way you began this story. There is no way to know that it's a dream, until things start going wrong, so it really gives the reader a sense of Lia. You introduce her appearance, some what, and get a chance to show her aspirations, though the content of her dream. I just wonder what she discovered :)
I think you do a good job characterizing Lia in this chapter. Her anxiety at being late to work is understandable, and I really felt harried as I read through the scene where she gets ready for work. I hope she doesn't get in trouble, once she arrives at work
For the most part all the technical aspects looked fine. I did notice one tiny thing though. It might just be a matter of opinion but in this part : "covering bits of her bare skin and not others. " I think you need an extra word. It would read better if it was "covering some bits of her bare skin and not others. " The word "some" creates a parallel in the sentence that is otherwise missing.
So, great job on the start of this story. I can't tell what the main conflict is going to be, since this is only the beginning, but it will be interesting to see what challenges Lia has to face. (By the way, I love the name you picked for her!)
Now, I'm off to read (and review) some more. :DAuthor's Response: Hi Haley! Eeek your reviews are so lovely, thank you x1,000,000 in advance :)
(I think that's why we were paired too haha. And yes, our stories are vastly different -yours is very creative)
She technically hasn't discovered anything yet haha. She's pretty young still and despite her dream, she's only made so many strides. But that will come into play later.
Ah, I see what you mean there. I find that no matter what, there is always something to correct haha. I will work on this ;)
Thanks hun! Off to respond some more and read/finish what you've posted of "Vital"!!
--Ellie Report Review
As always, great chapter! You definitely deserve more reviews.Author's Response: Thanks for taking the time to review, varja! Glad you feel that way ;)
--NRB Report Review
Great chapter. You write it well. Please update soon. 9/10 : )Author's Response: Aw, thanks Lilly, for another positive review :) I'm glad you are enjoying the story!
--NRB Report Review
You know, this story is really intriguing. Hope you'll update soon :-)Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, varja, glad you are enjoying and finding the story to be interesting. Also, check out the most recently updated page ;)
--NRB Report Review
Great chapter. Update soon. 9/10 : )Author's Response: Thanks for your kind review again, Lilly! Glad you liked it. I can't say when the next update will be out, but I will shoot for soon ;)
--Ellie Report Review
My only criticism is that the chapters are too short. 9/10 : )Author's Response: Hahaha, I can see that. They are short. I'm trying to work on it. The 5th one is short, but hopefully 2500 plus for each one after that. Have to get the plot rolling, then the words will pour ;)
Thanks, hun! Lovin' the kind reviews!
--NRB Report Review
Good chapter. It was interesting but short. 9/10 : )Author's Response: Thanks for the review, Lillylover22! glad you enjoy the story. And yes, I write short chapters. I fear this won't change much over the series, but we shall see ;)
--NRB Report Review
This was one of the best written fan fictions I've read so far. You should definately continue it!Author's Response: Oh my goodness-wow, thank you so much! I'm glad you think this way about my fanfiction :) I am continuing it, no doubts just yet haha. Look for another update this week!
Thanks so much for taking the time to review!
-Ellie Report Review
Hello there, dear! It's Drue. :) We are paired together for the review exchange at TGS, and so I'm here with your review! :) I'm sorry I'm here at the last day possible. Things have just been really busy. :)
But I'm here now, and I'm so glad we got paired. This story is really great and so unique.
You have a great opening chapter here, and you're off to a great start. I can't wait to see where you go with this. I loved how you opened the story. It was captivating, and it really pulled me in quite simply.
You have some really great descriptions. You really bring the story to life and pull it off the screen. I think a scene could easily go like this really, when something groundbreaking, as I'm assuming here did, happened. I can picture a grand ceremony for such a thing, and you wrote that scene really well. And very original too. I've never seen anything like that.
I thought it was all brilliant. It was really uplifting and it just had a vibe of 'looking towards a better future.' That's definitely the feeling I got, and it was all wonderful. Ah, then that little mood changer! That was really surprising, but a great twist to things.
And there was a whole sense of mystery there in that little transition. I had to think about it to realize that the beginning was all a dream and that the story had flipped from first person to third. That was a drastic and confusing change, but I can understand why you did it. The dream in first person really brings across the intensity of it and the feeling, so that's all right. Just a little confusing at first. ;)
But I should have realized it sooner given to the chapter title. :P
Ah, and I like Lia already. She seems like a great girl. Really unique and original.
I bet she will eventually do all these things she wishes. She's only starting off; there's plenty of time to become a great healer in there. In time. :)
Also, I just have to tell you how brilliant I think your title is. So far, I can't tell of much relation it will have to the story, but I already get the feeling that you have some creative symbolism and metaphors going on. Considering marrow is a part of the body and Lia is a healer. :P Very creative and I love it! I can't wait to see how else it will work with the story.
I can't wait to read more! I will try to hit the next chapters soon hopefully. Glad we got paired together, hun!Author's Response: HII Drue!
So I'm an utter failure for not replying to this earlier. I'm terribly sorry that I suck :(
However, I'm glad we got paired together as well and I look forward to reading more of 'Prime Suspects' ;) Anywho, sorry the transition was a wee bit confusing. I didn't want to do the whole italics thing, so I decided POV change was the best way to get what I wanted across, which is that intensity you mentioned.
Lia is definitely an interesting character. She's my most ambitious one and hopefully she'll continue to be a great girl in your eyes haha.
And I'm glad you like the title! I had to think reallly hard to come up with it. This story wasn't one that came with a title before I wrote it, like most of my other works, but yeah, I'm pretty excited about this piece and where it's going, so I hope you do check out future chapters!
Thanks so much, again, Drue :) Your review was lovely as can be and I'm just so sorry about my terrible-ness.
--Ellie Report Review
This was unexpected. I take it she already knows about the Order of the Phoenix, yes?
Okay, here are some things I noticed:
And every time he would look more and more pathetic when she would left him. - leave
Now that she had given him the time he needed to either confess to a joke or confide in the untreatable, incurable infection he supposedly suffering from, ... - was suffering
Lia struggled internally whether or not to inform him or her surname. - of her surname?
"Merte!" She cursed instinctively, grabbing at her elbow too. - did you mean 'merde'? Or maybe I simply don't know the word, haha.
So, this promises some drama between the two of them, and I'm curious to see what happens next. What was Sirius playing at? Did he make the connection between the prefect he ridiculed and the Healer he was apparently sent to give a message? And what was it with the drinks with her colleague? Hm, questions over questions ;)
The dialogue was good, as were your descriptions throughout the story so far.
I'm looking forward to more :)
~LeoAuthor's Response: Haha, yes! Upexpectedness! Glad that panned out. Yes, she is in the Order. Happened after she got her first day in training at Mungo's to give a rough timeline.
Oh goodness, thank you so much for pointing out those errors. I really need to watch those tenses, yikes! I've corrected them all since you reviewed. It was Merde haha. My bad.
Hopefully the next chapter, which is finished and will be out soon, can explain some of those questions you raised :)
YAY! More shall come, I'll let you know. Thank you so much, Leo!
--Ellie Report Review
Lol, the chapter title should have given me a hint that she was dreaming at the beginning. There, Lia seemed rather arrogant and self-important, but from the point where the Minister's eyes turned to red slits, something didn't add up. Nice way of starting off!
The change of narrative was interesting. I'm guessing the rest will be told in third person?
Some minor things I noticed:
Above us a large red ribbon floated high above us, awaiting its release. - above us ... above us
The Minister was eying me, his head was leaning to the side slowly, eerily. - eyeing
It was started to fall and I was beneath it; it's target. - was started(?), its
Okay, interesting start, onto the next chapter to see if I was right about the narrative ;)
~LeoAuthor's Response: Hi Leo *waves*
Yup, all third person from here on out. Maybe even an escape from Lia's head in the future too haha. Yes, it was a dream, but she was enjoying it to a point. I.e., she does tihnk highly of herself. It's pretty evident up until chapter 8 me thinks.
Anywho, I've edited the chapter. Thanks for the corrections! I can read over a chapter a million times and never fail to forget/mess up something. Thanks again! Glad you like how I opened up the story thus far!
--ellie Report Review
hopefully she'll fall in love with him and they'll live happily ever after! of course, that's probably not going to happy and its just me living in a fairytale. anyways. awesome chapter, once again. i love the way these two interact. it's really quiet delightful. the banter between the two makes me smile and giggle and its really quiet amusing. fabulous job.Author's Response: Bwhahahaha! I'm not sure their interactions are delightful, but I think I get your meaning. Their banter is rather intense and fun to write/read I hope :P I'm glad it delights you so! It will only continue through the series, I assure you ;) I hope you continue to enjoy, read, and review Marrow!
NRB Report Review
oooh i like it. i think that the beginning started off fantastic and lia already seems like an easily relateable character to me. cannot wait to read the next chapter (:Author's Response: Hello imaginary_lines! I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter and felt that you could relate to Lia :) Thanks for reviewing, it means a lot to me! I hope you continue to do so!
NRB Report Review
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