Hi :)
please dont be offended by anything i say its only meant to be constructive. There's not enough dialog in the passage, and the dialog that is in there doesn't move the story along.

Also you should proof-read before you post.. a few grammatical errors..

BUT this passage had the best sentence ever in it:
"The tears were falling freely now, blending with the drops of rain that splattered their faces".. very nice..! :) stirs alot of emotion ;)

GOOD JOB X

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing my story! I appreciate your constructive criticism. Personally, I find stories with too much dialogue in them slightly annoying to read; it's more like I'm watching a television show then reading a story. Also, I really wanted this first chapter to reflect the characters thoughts. That's why there's a lot of writing that's not dialogue. The next chapters will not be quite like this. As for the grammatical errors, I wrote this story a very long ago in a very short amount of time and just posted it for the heck of it. I don't use a beta and I'm not too concerned about it. Anyways, thank you for reviewing and please share my story with fellow readers.

Also, feel free to check out my other FanFiction sites:

Also, feel free to check out my other FanFiction sites:



http:// fanfiction [dot] net/~beckysue22

http:// justinbieberfanfiction [dot] com (Penname: RebeccaSue)

Cheers,

RebeccaSue

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