This story is so intense and masterfully written. There is so much personification and imagery throughout the whole story that you really feel like you are there. Azkaban comes alive in a very dark and depressing way, and by setting such an atmosphere, it makes it so easy to believe the fear and the despair of the character.
The dementer was so creepy, but so wonderfully constructed with your words. I love hoe you described the kiss and I was slightly terrified to continue reading. It was also interesting to note that you're writting style changed after the kiss, with more repetition of words and phrases. It was like you were reading it with the lost mind of the character.
I like how the character remains anonymous. While I also really wanted to know who it was, it really just showed that once in Azkaban, you are kind of forgotten. You become just a body in a cell.
The only tip I have is that in the first paragraph a lot of the sentences end with two descriptors such as pale, thin hands. While I love the description, I thought the sentence structure just needed to be changed up a bit so it didn't become too repetitive.
Absolutely amazing story though. It was such a powerful and enjoyable read.Author's Response: Thank you so much! Azkaban has always intrigued me, and it was really interesting to imagine being inside of it because you never really get an inmate's perspective. The closest someone came to describing it was Sirius and even then, it didn't completely tell the tale.
Slightly terrified? Not sure if I should be grateful or apologetic. :) After the Kiss, I figured she would kind of be an empty shell and I should write it accordingly, as I'd already wrote the story third person but still inside her head. I'm glad you noticed!
Oh, yeah. That's totally what I meant by keeping her anonymous. I mean, it's not like I couldn't think of a name or anything. That would be dumb. *cough*
I just checked on it and you're correct. I'll change it soon, thank you so much for pointing it out to me! I love constructive criticism, it's so... constructive. *dance*
Thanks so so much for the review! :D Report Review
Hello, there! Happy QtR birthday :D
That’s a great first line. It really set the tone of the story.
Throughout, I thought you made good use of personification, all leading up to the revelation of the dementor as an actual embodiment of despair and fear.
I thought you did well with capturing the atmosphere of Azkaban, or at least how I would imagine it. The little details like the sky tinged with blood were really well done.
“She wishes she could stand tall and strong and proud, but when the time has come she has found herself to be nothing but a coward.”
I thought that line especially was really brilliant. Azkaban brings to light all of your shortcomings and makes you live with only the worst of yourself. It makes her see herself as a coward, even though almost no one can withstand the power of the dementors. What a terrible place. I think the fear of Azkaban would be enough to keep me from doing anything bad.
I also thought it was really interesting that she is a nameless character, to the extent that the human guards at the end don’t even remember what her name is (which is really sad and makes me a little bit angry actually). Did you have someone in mind that you were specifically writing about? Or is her name as much a mystery to you as it is to the readers? Just curious.
~SingularityAuthor's Response: Happy QtR birthday to you too!! *huggle*
The first line is one of my favorites, I'm glad you noticed.
When I heard J.K. talk about the dementors being the living (in a sense) representation of depression, it really changed my view of the dementors. I tried to get that across here. :)
The atmosphere of Azkaban was SO FUN TO WRITE. It was all haunted-house-slash-cell-slash-freezer. Plus all the shiny imagery that I got to stick in there.
YAY YOU FOUND MY FAVORITE LINE! *happy dance* Writing about Azkaban didn't frighten me but reading back over it, I'm definitely scared. The main reason I wouldn't want to go to Azkaban is I wouldn't want to be reduced to what she was, you know?
I really have no idea what her name is. In the original version of the challenge entry, it was a completely different story about a girl named Asha facing the Umbridge Inquisition. I based the appearance very loosely on Asha's, with the sickly thinness and the black hair, but I really don't think it was her. I quite liked Asha and hoped for a happy ending for her, and plus, she was a very law-abiding (though slightly insane) citizen.
I pulled a little from Bellatrix to make the character, what with the pride and the long black hair, and I was hoping someone would ask about that and maybe speculate. Bellatrix fascinates me, and I've found that there's a little appearance of hers in every story of mine, be it in cameo or in characterization. But it's not Bellatrix. And maybe her name and story will come in due time so I can write a background of her in my head. But for right now, I prefer her without a name. :)
Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Wow, this is magnificent. It's a dark, creepy, sad kind of way.
I truly enjoy your writing style. It flows across the page so easily, even with the disjointed thoughts. Your imagery is beautiful. I really felt like I could feel everything she felt, see everything she saw, hear everything she heard, etc. It was like being submerged into the story instead of reading it.
The Dementors have to be one of the creepiest and most frightening creatures in the entire series. I really think you captured them and the terror they bring. The Kiss...the way you described it just made it so real.
There was so much in this one-shot, even with so few words. Simply amazing.
DemAuthor's Response: Thank you so so so so much! Sorry I didn't respond to this earlier, I've been away without internet access for weeks o.O
I tried to make my writing as detail-oriented as possible in this story, focusing really on how the world looked to her, and I'm really really happy you pointed that out in your review :blush:
The Dementors frighten me SO MUCH. All those spindly fingers and cold-ish-ness, it just frightens me and I really tried to bring that out also :P
Thank you billions for the review! :huggle: Report Review
The EMOTION in that! So so so so jealous! Wow, I can see why you won this challenge because this was one of the most amazing one-shots I have ever read. The fear in this was tangible, and you never flat out told me what she was feeling, but I felt it anyway. How do you DO that? Ignoring my envy, there's really not much I can say about this. It was just too perfect. The writing, the flow, the everything was simply flawless. Gah, I'm overcome with amazingness right now. Congrats on the TA status too! I'm going to come stalk your stories and read all the rest now, because if they're even half as good as this, I'll love them! Gorgeous! 10/10, because that's the highest the scale goes, but I think you deserve a 20 :PAuthor's Response: *happy dance*
This was one of the funnest things to write, not in a weird sociopathic way, but just because I didn't have to make up who she was or what she was like. In a sense, the girl represented the emotion she had. In an earlier version, I had her named Asha and she was going through interrogation with Umbridge when she got the Kiss. But I found it was a lot more interesting to have her nameless and story-less, and so she'd just be emotion. Do you know what I mean?
Thank you! Hmm, I didn't know other people could tell I was a TA...
*squishes* Thank you so much, you just made my day so so so much better! :D
The imagery is wonderful, dark but wonderful. I love the setting and the rare glimpse into its conditions. This is a cool little one-shot that really makes the mind wonder. (I love stories that refuse to explain themselves, they make me tingly and over-analytical)
Very nicely done, and I hope the poor woman finds some peace at some point, but as this is a one-shot we can only wonder.Author's Response: Thank you! I really tried to enhance the imagery in this story so that it was the almost the main focus.
It made you wonder? Yaayyy! :)
I don't know if she ever finds some peace. Maybe I can make up a happy ending for her. I'll do it now... SHE GOES TO THE AFTERLIFE AND MEETS HARRY POTTER THE END.
I like it. I think I should add it in there.
Thanks so much for the review! :) Report Review
Oh goodness!! This was depressing, BRILLIANT but depressing. I hate the thought of someone not having any hope in the world and I think Azkaban is definitely the definition of 'hopeless'. Your descriptions were lovely and I felt empathy of your character, my hope for her died along with your character. I like how your captured the dementors, they really were very chilling *shudders*. You managed to capture so much emotion in such a short space of words which is great, I really have trouble cutting my words down so kudos to you =).
Brilliannt one-shot! You really do have a way with words =)
SilverstarletworldAuthor's Response: Hmm, it WAS depressing. Perhaps I should lighten up with my stories a little. ;)
Next story: THE STORY ABOUT HAPPY FLUFFY BUNNIES AND UNICORNS.
... Ahem. I should probably respond to your review now.
Thank you thank you thank you! Even though I never gave her a name, she was very defined in my head. I really tried to center the entire thing around the complete loss of hope that comes with the Kiss--I'm so glad you noticed that :)
You have trouble cutting your words down? I have trouble getting enough of them. I always write too short.
Thanks a billion! :) Report Review
I'm not usually a fan of non-fluffy one-shots, but this was -really- good... You do a great job of capturing a sense of complete panic :D.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I like fluffy one-shots too but for some reason I just have a lot of trouble writing them :P I really appreciate your review :) Report Review
Wow that was dark and intense. I loved the way you brought the reader closer to the woman, her acute perception of what is left of her world and the emotion she is experiencing. Your ability to communicate her despair was amazing. The line I think best describes this is, "And she chokes on her own hope as it comes rising out of her chest"
There were just teeny tiny bits of present tense/past tense things that really doesn't take away from your overall one-shot, but just thought I should put it there.
~CharAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review! This is one of my favorite one-shots because it was fun describing things differently, and I'm glad you liked it too :)
Oh, I'll check those out!
Thank you so so so much for both the compliments and the CC! :D Report Review
Oh my gosh...I saw a link in your siggy and had to read it...
It brought me shivers and that wonderful feeling of tears, like when I read a story with truly amazing talent ;D
I could say that this piece is absolutely amazing, but that doesn't even do it justice. Very amazing, you conveyed her fear and panic and pain brilliantly.
I am so VERY glad I clicked that link ;D Congratulations on an EXCELLENT story!Author's Response: Ahh, the power of reverse psychology ;) It has served me greatly.
Thank you thank you thank you!! I'm so grateful for your complements, I'm doing a little happy dance around my room. Honestly.
Okay, someone just walked in. *shame*
Thanks SO SO SO MUCH!! :) Report Review
Wow. Wow. Absolutely gripping. I love the detail. I was creeped out (but in a wow-this-story-is-really-well-written way). Your description of the Dementor is amazing! I love how you don't even need to use its name... simply perfect.
Keep writing this wonderful stuff! 10/10Author's Response: Why hello there! Thank you so much for the wonderful review :) I really tried to make it mysterious and kind of creepy, and I think a lot of people found it creepier than I did... I am SO grateful for the compliments, I'm doing a little tiny happy dance right now!
YOU, my friend, should make an account and perhaps write some things... ;)
Thank you, so so so so much!! Report Review
First of all, thank you so much for participating in my challenge! It was my first one and I was a bit nervous.
Now, to business. Let me congratulate you! This is an absolutely beautiful, stunning piece of work. And I don't say that lightly. You really rose to the challenge with this one. The concept alone was very creative, because it really does capture one moment, but that one moment is so complex and captivating that it encompasses a whole story.
Your description, in particular, is gorgeous. This is exactly what I was hoping to get for this challenge: a piece which richly explores one moment and every aspect of it. You really used the combination of description and internal monologue, almost stream of consciousness, to tremendous effect. The fact that we don't even have the character's name didn't even hit me until the very end, because the description created such a vivid persona that she didn't really need a name.
The moment where the Dementor actually kisses her was just chilling, especially the thoughts afterward. This was my favorite line:
"She is not able to give in. She does not live but she exists."
It is so simple, but so profound. It sums up the entire story very well. I am trying really hard not to just rave about this the entire review and find something constructive to say, but honestly, it really is just a wonderful piece of writing. I'm going to add this to my favorites. That was supposed to be a part of the winner's reward, but this merits a favorite regardless.
Thank you so much for participating! Beautiful work!Author's Response: Thanks for having the challenge! In-the-moment writing is my favorite type, and I saw your challenge and I was like YES. It was a pretty epic moment for me.
Thank you so much! I'm really excited that you like it :) I'm bouncing up and down on my seat but perhaps that's because I had too many cookies but STILL. Thank you! I don't even know what to say. And I think I said thank you about 3 times so I'm going to try and vary up my response... *pulls out thesaurus*
*gives big hug* YAY A FAVORITE! Gah, I'm so happy.
Much obliged :) (See my thesaurus work there?) And thanks a million!!! Report Review
I worship at your feet, dear L. I am humble before your grand mystical writing powers.
BECAUSE THIS IS SO AMAZINGLY CREEPY AND COOL AND PERFECT AND I'M QUITE LITERALLY SHAKING AND I FEEL LIKE I JUST HAD A REALLY BAD NIGHTMARE.
I don't even know what to say. I'm blown away. Again.
There's not a number high enough for what this is, out of ten.Author's Response: HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT WHEN YOUR STORIES ARE SO COOL?!?
Thank you so much for the review, ma chere!!! I adore you, and will be coming to pressure you into writing more Vivienne soon. Report Review
Does she have a name? A story? A reason?Author's Response: The challenge was to make a story "in the moment" without giving any backstory, so the way I wrote this is intentional. Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Incredible. I love how well-written one-shots can affect us so strongly. Beautiful. Your story reminds me of "Let it End in Darkness". Both beautiful, though this one is sadder. 9/10Author's Response: Thank you! I've never read that but I'll search for it :) Thanks so much for the review!!! Report Review
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