Ooooh yay! A Marauder's piece!
I'm not very good at picking up mistakes, so I didn't see any, although I do say that the bolded letters are almost distracting to me (though really that's your choice).
Anyways, I really really liked the way this starts! I'm a super fan of reading Marauder's Era and am always up for a well written Marauders piece, and this seems to have hit the spot.
I'm going to favourite this and review all the chapters since I really do want to read it through to the end :D Report Review
Say what?!!! OK, I need to know what's going on with Sirius and Emma Vanity? Is it some kind of horrible prank? Was he forced to by his pureblood family? Or does he know something that might help Milla? ARRRGH! I need answers!
So, as you may have worked out, this chapter has me massively hooked at the moment. Can't believe that this would have to be the last currently posted chapter - just my luck. Still, it'll definitely have me coming back for more when it's written.
Also loved the letter from her birth mother. This really cleared up some questions for me (is she still alive, did she mean to give her up, and why hasn't she made contact) while leaving an endless amount still to answer. Nicely done.
All in all a compelling and exciting story. Thanks for sharing it with us!
CapellaBlack, Gryffindor!Author's Response: Teehee. I still find it ironic that I haven't had time to clear that up! Emma/Sirius isn't something that will be continuous, but it's all in there for a purpose haha.
I'm glad some questions were answered and there's not that emptiness to the mystery anymore. I think I have a very distinct direction in which this story will head, I just need to find the time to put it to words! :)
Thank you so much for your reviews, and I do hope you continue reading :D Report Review
Wow, if I didn't know better, I'd think James had learnt how to be charming! I really liked his treatment of the birthday girl in this chapter - it's nice how much thought has gone into, both in his case, and in yours, as it shows a real commitment to the story as a whole, rather than just the lead plotline! I also love how everyone got what they needed out of it - Mils got to make it up to Lily by telling her what to expect, and yet James still got to surprise her!
The start of the chapter still has me wondering though - who is the mystery mother, and why did she give those memories to her daughter via the mini penseive? Is she supposed to find her from that, or was it just so she'd know she was loved?
Great stuff, so off to read more!
CapellaBlack, Gryffindor!Author's Response: I'm really not that good with fluff so I'm glad you approved haha! I think the plot line, from here in, becomes a bit more streamlined and focused. I'm a sucker for mystery (although I suck at writing it) so I really want to play that up more.
I'm sure your questions were answered in the next chapter, but it shall be a series of mini clues, yes.
Thank you AGAIN! :) Report Review
I'm loving the irony here. Someone has a present from an unknown magical source, and Sirius is the one checking it for dark magic? Hee hee! Really liked this chapter's darker edge - she's lost a lot, even though she's gained stuff too, and this chapter helped the reader to feel that, while still maintaining the air of mystery. As such, I find myself wanting to know the answers for her sake, and not just for my own curiosity.
Also loving the increased Sirius interactions here - it really worked having Mils and Lils fight, thus leaving space for Sirius as a confidante!
CapellaBlack, Gryffindor!Author's Response: I figure, Sirius is clever enough to have a very (very) slight cautionary side haha.
It shall be more Sirius from now on... I could only go so long writing him as a marginal character :P
I didn't really want Milla and Lily to me in a permanent state of friendly bliss... it just seemed dull! But on the same hand, they're too good a pair to be angry with each other for too long :)
Thank you again! Report Review
Squeee! She's rich, rich, I tell you! More importantly, I guess she wasn't as unwanted as she might have been thinking. I can't wait to find out who her real parents were, and why they gave her up for adoption. This chapter has certainly added complexity to the question, as her parent(s) have provided for her in at least one way.
Am really pleased with how this story has developed - starting so mellow, but complexifying (hey, that's a word!) just at the point where us readers had become emotionally involved. Really nice one!
CapellaBlack, Gryffindor!Author's Response: Her wealthiness is certainly very cliched in some other eras, but I thought it might not be too awful in Marauders... or so I hope :P
And yes, I did want to get across that her parents aren't complete evil tyrants, and there are certainly some ulterior motives in lay ;)
Slow development is something I'm a bit glued to! I'm really glad you liked it but I'm afraid it's not all too popular a style. I really am trying to amend the pace, and I think all your reviews will certainly help that! So thanks again! :) Report Review
Whoa! Mean father! Though that does explain the totally different attitude of the grandparents towards the non-adopted sister. I have known families like that in real life, and I guess I can see how an adopted child being magical would make some people question their choices (they'd be wrong, but hey, just look at how magical families take to squibs!)
I love how you gave us clues about this plot development (the Klein nose, for example) which I completely missed until the bomb had been dropped. It really was the perfect level of subtlety, mixed with "of course". Loved it!
Anyways, must go find out more... like who her birth parents are, for one!Author's Response: I had such reservations about this... It seems so cliche but so natural all at once. I'm glad that it was subtle enough, and most people have said they didn't see it coming...
Discovering her ancestry is certainly where the story is headed (now that I finally have some time to get writing again, yay)!
Your reviews are awesome, and are also inflating my ego haha. Thank you again! :P Report Review
Whoop! They kissed! And do you know what I really love? That it was accidental, and not even a little romantic. I just ADORE how awkward it was for her, because it leaves me desperately wanting to know "what did HE think of it?" Was it as awkward for him? How much of an accident was it really? And most importantly, when will it happen again?!!!
As you may have guessed, I approve of this chapter - really believable teenage antics, and wonderfully magical to boot!Author's Response: Ahhh thank you!
The awkwardness! I crave awkwardness in teen writing! I hope to get some more of that going through the previous chapters. And I'm glad you approved on the non-romantic nature... Kisses between friends are never romantic haha!
Thanks again! :D Report Review
Ooh, this chapter really had a nice sense of coherence - the day before the trip, the day of the trip, and then the future events coming. I liked how you did that, so it all felt connected while exploring a variety of events. I also like how you've brought up Mil's unease about the upcoming Germany trip without making it sound too ominous. Really catches the interest, that does. There also seemed to be more inner monologue from Mils in this chapter, which is a nice development.
One typo in the third last paragraph: 'plasticising' - I think you mean 'practising'. Other than that, a really nice chapter. Onto the next one!Author's Response: Hahahaha plasticising. I write on my iPad pretty often and get some interesting autocorrects :/
I'm really glad you liked this chapter and her development through it. I really want to bring out more flaws in her sooner, because that was one issue I think my pacing was far too slow on.
In my mind, she's really a terribly awkward person outside of her little bubble of friends - I really want to show that more!
Thank you again for your lovely review! :) Report Review
Sooo. I'm going out on a limb and guessing that Milla is Sirius' secret crush! Can't wait to see how this gets developed, and what it takes for him to tell her, or her to realise.
So far this story has a very mellow feel to it, with lots of time devoted to scene by scene action and development of the interactions. As a result we have ended up with a great visual of what it would all be like. It might help to now focus more on what Milla's like as a person - more inner thoughts rather than momentary ones - but I guess I won't know if this happens until I read on! Overall really enjoyable, and I am looking forwards to reading more!
CapellaBlack, Gryffindor!Author's Response: Ella!
Oh my goodness, I'm very sorry for the delayed response to all your wonderful reviews - I've not had internet.
Your advice for this chapter has been really helpful. I certainly have pacing issues in my writing, and I'm glad that you enjoyed the mellowness (is that even a word) of this chapter, but I shall try and keep interest up a little more when I do my rewrites :)
Thanks you! :) Report Review
Glad to see you pick up again. I hope to hear more about Milla's birth mother.Author's Response: Thanks :) Hopefully I'll be able to keep writing at a better speed :)
You will do, don't you worry haha! :) Report Review
Alright, so, basically I see NOTHING to be worried about with this story! It's magnificent. :] I adore it so much that I'm faving and making sure to check back for updates often! :]
Thanks for requesting my reviews! I'm glad I was able to give my thoughts on your story and get yet another lovely Marauder Era fic in my favs. haha
AlexAuthor's Response: :O Wow, I swear you're inflating my ego haha.
Thank you so much for all your praise and support, and for adding this to your favourites. Your reviews made my day, for sure :)
Thank you again,
Tilly Report Review
Oh my goodness shes adopted.
Clearly, I didn't see that one coming.
Haha, I was very very shocked!! haha But I adore the fact that I had no clue whatsoever!! Oh my goodness now I wonder what family she's from. This is an interesting turn of events. I wonder how Milla will take it... onward to find out! haha
Alex.Author's Response: Yes! The twist! I'm glad you liked it!
I suppose this is where I really wanted my story to start coming into its own. And you're right in that this is where the story will be headed from now on!
Thank you again for your charming review! :) Report Review
Haha, that kiss scene was amazing. I'd have been the one faking excuses and running away if I were Milla. That was just one impeccibly fantastic chapter. :]
Alex.Author's Response: Haha wasn't it awkward? I think she was in shock (well she was, I should know I wrote it haha)!
Thank you again for the glowing praise! Report Review
Mhm, I'm seriously loving the flow of this story. It's perfect as of right now. I think it almost fell over when I read that Sirius had to date Trelawney. Funny stuff! Anyways, I'm loving the bonds of friendship between the Gryf girls and the Gryf boys. Excellent job with characterization as well. I saw a couple grammarical errors but not too many to fuss over, I promise.
Wonderful chapter dear!
Alex.Author's Response: Okay, so I'd already rewritten this chapter (and chapter 3) so I'm glad the flow is good, because I sped it up! Such a relief to see you enjoy it!
And the characterization of my OC had been worrying me, so I'm over the moon you liked all the bonds and relationships!
Thank you for the lovely review! :) Report Review
Hey there! :] Okay, so since you're in the midst of making changes I'll tell you that this first chapter flowed very well. I don't think its off to a slow start in the least.
And I have to say that I like Milla's backround. The fact that she's muggleborn and thrust into a whole new exciting world, you seem to have grasped, is very challenging and nerve wracking so excellent job on the believability! :]
I'll probably be reviewing just about every chapter, just so you know. Since on the form I didn't specify how many chaps I review. haha :]
Nicely written first chapter!
Alex.Author's Response: Wow, I'm really glad you think it was believable! I've had a lot of criticism over the believability! But thank-you, I'm glad this chapter wasn't too slow, and you enjoyed the flow! :) Report Review
Very short review because there is only one thing to say : I loved it!
Oh and the cat? Great addition!! I laughed so much during that conversation. Are you planning for it to be the cat the Potters owned? The one mentionned in DH? Completely unimportant detail but I wondered if that went through your mind as well...
See, I had only unimportant things to say about this chapter because it is so great. Can't wait for your next update!!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hello and yay for you loving this chapter!
YES! You are 100% right about this being the same cat. I thought it would be a cute, irrelevant detail to add in.
Thank you SO much for all your reviews on this story. It's extremely beneficial to me to have someone read through the whole thing, to get a continuous stream of what needs to be changed. I will certainly implement all the advice your gave me!
Thank you again! :3 Report Review
Well, this is getting better with every chapter. I have to say that I find you have greatly improved throughout the process of writting this story. You feel more confident and willing to take risks in your writting an I like it!
There isn't much for me to say about this chapter. I love where the story is going, you have really gotten my curiousity up and running and I can't wait to read on.
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hello! :)
I'm ridiculously pleased you like this part of the story and the way it is headed. I feel like I've really warmed up again, and my ideas are all coming out!
Thank you for the charming review!!! Report Review
Ha! I knew something was going to happen to change this story and it did! Great, great chapter!
I can only tell you that it was a real pleasure for me to read this chapter. I really enjoyed the plotline and the characters. I did feel like Milla was a bit too confident in all this. I would have imagined her being more shaken considering how she has never really known problems or difficulties. It's part of her personality I guess, but I was surprised by this particular point.
The fact that this chapter was, really, without a doubt, your best and that finally things are moving, doesn't erase the preivous comments though. It took a bit too long to get there and I fear you might have lost some readers along the way because of it and just this chapter made it all so worth it! People have missed out on this great story just because it took a while to take off. You need to do something about it. You owe this story (ok, a bit overreacting, maybe... but it's still true!).
Great, work, I loved every piece of this chapter!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hi!
I'm so, so, so happy that this chapter was your favourite yet!
I'll certainly take a look at her reaction, and hopefully try and make it seem more believable!
Like I've said in my other response's, I will definitely take your advice on board and go at a bit more of this into the other chapters.
Thank you for the glowing review! :) Report Review
Wow, great, long chapter! I love!!!
No matter how long it is, I have to congratulate you on keeping the flow and the ease in it. It all felt natural and just went together nicely. The dialogues are still so, so interesting to read.
The problems previously mentioned have not yet evolved but you still manage to raise my curiosity and I want to keep on reading just to see the improvement I know is coming!! Keep up the good work!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hey!
I'm happy your curiosity was piqued! As you know (having read on) this is certainly where the story is headed!
And thank-you for the compliments on the continual flow and the ease of the chapter! And the dialogue again, they make me so happy!
Thank you again for your lovely review! Report Review
I like your Author's note. It really describes my feeling toward this story at this point. Yes it's good. You have great characters, extremly interesting and enjoyable dialogues and intereting, original side-stories.
But the core, THE story, is missing. You definitly need to move things along because, like I said in previous reviews, your main character is getting less engaging and enjoyable since, mostly, nothing really happens to her.
Her day to day life and friendship are extremely well done and fun to read (particularily her frienship with Lily, it feels so real) but I'm afraid you might lose some readers along the way if you don't move things up a bit.
Sorry if this wasn't all that positive. It's a great chapter with very nice strenght and moments but there are things that need improving in order to keep the reader's interest in your story.
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hi there!
You've read on, so I can mention my twist haha. Buttt, when rewriting this chapter, I'm going to add in more hints! Hints about the twist! I hope that will inject a little bit more life into Milla and this chapter.
Thank you again for the review! :D Report Review
Great, great chapter; so funny. So far, it's my favorite!
I just love the interactions - as I have said before, I know - and the characters.
So far, the one character that bothers me the most though, is Milla... I can tell that this is a set up and that things will fall at some point (I really hope so) but this has been going on for a long time (yes four chapters is a long time) for someone to be so perfect, honestly, it's a bit unrealistic and it actually got me wondering why people hung out with her. I wouldn't. Her perfectionism (yes, that's a word...) would really get on my nerves. I'm not saying she's a bad character or anything only that right now, after 4 chapters of perfection and everything going for her, she's becoming less and less attractive to me, as a reader.
I hope you are not going to take this the wrong way, I'm trying to be honest an to let you know how I feel reading your story. It's so good and well written and funny and the side-stories are well done and interesting. But the set up for this perfect character is done, you need to take her somewhere else or she will only fall in the pit of cliche! We don't want that! Your story is too good to have a Mary-Sue!!!
It doesn't change my interest and I really like what I'm reading. You're doing a vrey great job here!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hello!
I'm happy this chapter kept you amused! :D
As I said in the previous reviews, I will certainly bring up the flaws in her a bit earlier on. And I think you're completely right, when I read it I see her flaws because... well I know her haha. But readers don't yet!
And don't worry about saying what you think, I really appreciate it! Honestly is far more helpful than sugar-coated, false praise!
Thank you again for the insightful review! Report Review
Lovely chapter, I really like where you are going with this. I feel you gave a bit more of an edge to Milla and that was definitely a plus. I like the interactions with Sirius.
I think the major plot point I particularily enjoy in the relationship between Lily and Severus. I really like the way you tackle it, being a bit rocky and getting more and more complicated. It's believable and fits perfectly with the canon base we have. I strongly believe their relationship didn't fall because of The One incident, it was most likely a slow process of decline and I think you are making this very real and believable.
Something I haven't mentionned yet but goes for the previous chapters as well (sorry about that, got carried away in the other reviews I guess), the poncutation. Sometimes, it's a bit weird... I can't really explain it; it's not like I have the answers but sometimes, I get stuck on a sentence or a coma or.. I don't necessarily know how to fix it but I can feel it's wrong (wow,now I know why I forgot to talk about it in the previous reviews; it's hard to be in my head right now!!).
But, it's a quick fix and the story you have is really good so, no big worries!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hi again! :)
I love Severus and I think Lily's a real sweetheart, so I didn't want to have this over dramatised, ridiculous fallout that ended everything! He'll keep popping up for a while!
I think (not trying to defend myself, I humbly agree with you!) that my sentences can be a bit odd, but it's because when I wrote this, I hadn't written anything in so long. This story was like my step back into writing, so the first few chapters are sort of iffy in places.
Thank you again for the review! :D Report Review
Well this is a nice chapter! I love the continuity; we didn't really feel the gap between the chapters (and therefore, years). The evolution from first to fifth year felt natural and that is a major strenght. You didn't force anything and just let your characters evolve, great work there.
What bothered me a little in this evolution though, is the fact that everything was just too perfect, too positive. I mean, Milla is good at everything, is friend with everyone... it's just not very realistic. I would add flaws to her character, make her a bit more human (if that makes sense).
The characterization of James was perfect. I loved the interactions where he is involved and you know, I think most characters were very well done. Sure, with time you will go deeper in their personalities and relationships but so far, you have done a great job in making them all interesting and different from each other.
I found this chapter very original and I loved the dialogues; it is a real strenght in this story. All the interactions are interesting and fun to read. I can't wait to read on!! Great job so far!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hello!
I'm glad you liked the continuity; it was something that was very important to me!
When writing this, I didn't intend her to sound so perfect, I just wanted her flaws to come out at a slower pace. But, from the feedback I've received, I think I should add some more depth to her character earlier on! So I'll edit that in too!
I'm glad you liked James, though! He's really fun to write, and I've seen such varied characterizations of him!
The dialogue! I'm relieved that you liked it, because I've had mixed reviews on it!
Thank you again for the lovely and helpful review! Report Review
What an interesting opening chapter! Your main character seems interesting and I absolutly loved the fact that you stayed true to canon and the timeline / events that the books offered.
One thing that didn't work well for me though (considering canon) is the order of Sorting; Black is the last? Isn't is usually alphabetically closer to the beginning? I know, details... sorry, I'm like that!!
When it comes to characterization though, I found Mila was good but might need a bit of work because she sometimes feel much older than eleven in the way she thinks and talks. It's minor but it makes it a bit hard for the reader to really picture her as a kid and mixing with the others when she feels much older than the rest of them.
It is really the only thing bothered me in this entire chapter. I loved the way you set things and your character and even though you have a muggle born character and that there have been a lot of those in the original books (and their first trip to Hogwarts was described as well) you managed to give this trip a fresh and engaging feel.
I can't wait to read the rest. You have a very nice writting style, clean and flowing effortlessly, and it is always such a pleasure to read your work, I'm sure I will enjoy this story too!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hi! :)
Yeah, I do mostly like to stick to canon and I do think my whole sorting hat situation was very non-canon, so I will be changing that soon haha!
Hm, as I mentioned to you I'm actually rewriting these first five chapters at the moment, and I'll certainly keep your comments in mind :)
Thank you for the lovely compliments! And for reviewing! :) Report Review
I didn't realise you'd updated! Whoops =)
Good chapter, I liked the mystery you created with the images from the locket and I'm glad Milla is happy again. I loved the repeated conversation about the cat...very cute and funny. I also thought the cat was a really lovely idea, very sweet...and in DH Harry discovers that they had a cat when he was a baby, so maybe it'll end up being the same cat!
Great work, keep writing =)Author's Response: Awh, haha, I thought I'd tell you seeing as you got another mention, but I forgot haha!
YES! At the kitty being the same one! That's what made me finally settle on the idea!
I'm so glad you liked the mystery/the chapter. I'm eager to keep writing, I finally have TINY bit more time :D
Thanks for the review again, I appreciate them so much! :3 Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection