Please read this whole review because there are some good tips in here, it's not all bad you know. It's just criticism. Just please promise you'll read the enire thing and not just stop after the bad critique. I really am trying to offer honest help !
Oh my god this entire story is just awful. I feel like crying, that's how bad this is! It is not my intention to be mean, your grammer is great, it's just the plot and the writing technique that sucks. Believe me, I have experience and you've got potential. Just plan better next time, because you don't want the reader laughing their knickers off at the sillyness of this story, right? Facts is needed. Don't rush anything. You don't want it to be a story that goes "first this happened then that hAppened" 'cause believe me, it won't be sucessful.

This is just honest critique, I apologize for any hard feelings. Try letting someone you trust to be honest (your parents for example) read the story and help you fix small mistakes before you post it! Make sure it's someone who's read the Harry Potter series and knows if you've written something wrong. Lily's eyes were not blue as you've written in chapter 1; they were green, like Harry's .

The best of luck to you and I hope you consider all this !

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cool story... at first i thought it was too rushed but then i read the last chapter and its good... keep going! :)

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