Oh, I can tell already how much you’ve developed as a writer! :) :) :) You’ve put the emotion in there of how people are feeling, what they’re looking like and I’m liking it!! (I also like the name “Ashley”) hee hee
I think you should invest in a beta. Maybe not one for every one of your stories but someone could take up a story and someone else could take up another one…just because it’s a good way to learn what are the usual grammar and spelling mistakes you make so as to continue to grow as a writer!! Just as you have been!!
How interesting. You made Louis Weasley a Slytherin!
You switched tenses here: “About five minutes into the game, I hear the crowd roar and look around at Al, who is shooting toward the ground faster than I thought possible.” From past tense to present and then you continue in past.
“That's right, Snitch. Be scared. Cower at my... [Emily-ness].” – [Emily-ness]? Isn’t her name Ashley?
“Don't make me go all ganster on you, homie. Oh, yeah, be scared. Ooh...!” – I love this thought process! ♥♥ It’s so the weird thoughts that run through people’s minds that they never like to talk about.
Okay…I think we got lost somewhere in here. Looks like the whole bit about Al feinting and the snitch being lost was copy-pasted at the end of the story instead of right after Liz Jordan’s joke and the funny/weird thoughts. I think you meant to end the story on “We won the cup!” right? Because that’s what makes sense to me when I read it that way.
You definitely have been improving as a writer and I’m very interested in reading your other stories!
xCharAuthor's Response: I'm glad you think so! I'm thinking about going through and reading all my stories to see just how I've developed, but I just don't have time ATM. -_-
As for the beta, I have one for my WIP, and I think I'm going to get some quick betas for my one-shots.
I've never read Louis as a Slytherin, and I thought it would make a nice change. :)
Ahh, I do that a lot. I think faster than I type and it throws me off, and then I forget to read over it. All the more reason for a beta, right? Haha.
Emily was there because Ashley's name was originally Emily. I guess I just missed it when I went through to fix it.
Hehe, those are the kinds of thoughts that go through my mind. :)
I probably did mean to. Like I said, I don't reread and. I don't know. My thought process is jacked up sometimes. :)
Thank you so much!! :) Report Review
Okay first gonna cover some grammar :)
"We all shouted our approval and followed him out to the Quidditch field. To the deafening cheers and boos and laughs and talking.
Lot's of noise."
That seems kind of an awkward set there, I feel that it should be all combined into one sentence if you could. "Lot's" should be "Lots" ;)
We could see Slytherin walking out of their locker rooms, Michael Flint leading the team, followed by: Albus Potter, Lorcan Scamander, Scorpius Malfoy, Louis Weasley, Selena Williams and Taylor Humphrey.
You spelled "captain" as "captian", though you spelled it right previously, so I think that it was just a typing error :)
The Liz Jordan and Michael Flint thing confused me since they were the names of people back in HP time, right?
"I shot off after him, vaguely hearing Liz Jordan shout, "
Man, those two can move faster than Severus Snape when confronted with shampoo when they want to!"
That kind of confused me also. When you type Jordan saying something, you shouldn't have gone down to a new paragraph. Be sure to add quotes once she's done talking ;)
"Gryfindor" is spelled as "Gryffindor"
"I laughed at Liz's joke. She really was very funny. Very good friends with Fred."
Huh? That really confused me :-/
Okay, the entire last part of this seems mixed up. You go from saying she won back to her chasing the Snitch. I think you should add some more detail, along make it clear exactly what was happening, starting from where Liz Jordan says something.
Other than that, the beginning was very good. You just need to revise and edit ;)Author's Response: Thanks so much for the super-helpful review! I'll take everything you said into account when I edit it. :)
Thanks so much! Report Review
NOOO!!! She didn't get it?!?!?! Albus is a sexy beasy beast, but I wanted her to get it =(. I loved your description of the Quidditch game and them zooming all over the place. I always find Quidditch matches hard to write but you did a great job. And so much happened in a short number of words which is extra amazing, I find it so hard to keep my chapters under 2000 ep! Great Twist btw and I really enjoyed the paced of it all.
Silverstarletworld89 =)Author's Response: Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it! I like hearing I'm good at Quidditch (or at least writing it.) :)
Thanks again! :) Report Review
She didn't get the snitch? :( Did Al get it?
This was quite an enjoyable read.I liked how you sort of mirrored it in how it was at Harry's time, with James being a bit like Wood and then the captains trying to crush each other's hands. Though you have quite a lot of the next generation kids we know in the Quidditch teams, while there could possibly be a couple more OCs with unknown names. I'm also not quite sure if the commentator's joke really works in next gen because she wouldn't have known Snape. Otherwise it fit well where it was.
You write the quidditch well and I get the impression of speed and exitement from the story, which there should be in quidditch. With that, the main character's speedy thoughts also fit well and you got down her voice very well. That was a sneaky part when you made me believe she had caught the snitch already. :P But I liked it. It seemed like she got a bit ahead of things in her daydreaming and could picture the winning scene, but then it didn't turn out like that.
I spotter one typo; "captian" instead of captain, in the first paragraph, which is also in the summary. But otherwise I didn't see any problems like that and the story flows very well too. :)Author's Response: Well, it never really said who won. I left that up to readers' imaginations. :)
I'm glad you like it.
Well, I was thinking people had told the next gen kids about Snape, and I'm sure they would know about his hair. I just always thought they would, you know?
I never really thought I could write Quidditch. People tell me I can, just because my mind goes a hundred miles an hour, just like Quidditch. I guess I'm just more critical of my own writing that everyone else. :)
I will be sure to go fix that typo. :)
(LiveLaughLoveHarryPotter on the forums) Report Review
Ok so admittedly I was a little confused in parts and I think perhaps it could have been longer and would probably benefit from more detail, it seemed a bit sketchy and a little patchy so I think with a little editing this could be goodl :D
~Roonyskatoony~Author's Response: Okay. I'll try to go through and read it. Thanks so much for the review! :) Report Review
hey hey! thanks for the ENTRY! :D this was cool, a fun little one-shot. i likey Slytherin Louis. heart heart heart. Emily sounds cool... her name is Emily Ashley? lol! i was confused a little in the middle before figuring out she was daydreaming, but that was awesome. OHMYGOSH THE SNITCH IS SHINY. i liked the last line: "I was happy because I was flying. Then I was happy because I saw the Snitch. Now I'm not happy anymore." lol! did they win? i wanna know!
thanks for that fantastic use of the line! although, how would they know who was severus snape? XDAuthor's Response: You're welcome! :)
I'm glad you liked it. :)
Yeah, they won! It must have cut off or something, but I think I like it better this way. More mystery... :)
I would think they would teach about the war in Binns' class, because it was such a major part of history, and it is a history class.
Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
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