‘each time I did some magic, it still astounded me’. I loved this raw wonderment about the magical world – you really captured the way a muggle-born would be feeling, thrust into this strange, new world. The constant studying of fascinating books, the eagerness to learn as much as possible about this amazing new discovery. It was brilliant, and I’ve never seen it written quite like you did it.
I also really liked the OC’s description of Fred as someone who was ‘lucky’ and ‘enjoyed life’. The narration was just perfect in this- shy but secure, sweet but flowing. I’m curious as to why you didn’t reveal the name of your character though? It was interesting! But the whole style of it – the way you ended each paragraph with an ‘I later learnt…’ The whole thing just ties up so neatly and artistically.
I don’t know why, but at first I thought that the Fred was Fred I, and I thought there’d be a paragraph about his death at the end! But then I realised that I was just being stupid and it was a next-gen. :P
I think my favourite paragraph was the one when she was in fourth year, where she "grew up." It’s lovely the way you show her in every year, so we can see such character development as she goes through each stage of her life. I honestly had tears in my eyes at the end!
This is such a brilliant story :)
-Annon ♥Author's Response: Hey!
Aw thank you! I think that if I was a 'muggle' before finding out I was a witch I would definitely have that added appreciation for magic that I think other people (born into a magical family) might not. Thank you! :)
Thank you, I'm glad you think that! I guess I didn't want to reveal the name of the character to leave a sense of mysteriousness, but also because.. I think having a name would really change the flow of the story I was telling. & I also couldn't think of a name to choose (and a name really defines someone I think). I pretty much based the whole story on that structure and I'm glad you think it worked!
I did that once with another story :P I guess it is a bit ambiguous, and in a way I think that's good because it allows the reader to slowly figure it out! Aww thanks so much Annon - that really means a lot! ♥
- Charlotte Report Review
This was an absolutely brilliant story. i think there were a few mistakes, but i have ceased to remember where... Sorry I really wanted to read the story. *shifts eyes innocently* Okay It's been driving me insane. I got that it is next gen, and I'm guessing the narrator is a OC. DOES SHE HAVE A NAME?! I must know the name. Yeah it's been my thought the whole time. I totally just wanted to skip to the end to find out the name, but i refrained. I was disappointed when I saw none though. It made me sad. :( Overall well done. :) It's like a nice memory book without the pictures. Kudos
Am.GinnyAuthor's Response: Hey!
Thank you so much for this! That really made me smile, so thank you. It is a really long story :P I don't think I really bothered to proofread/edit it that much after I was done writing it!
Haha, I can understand that - I wanted the OC to be ambiguous. I think having a name in there would really change the flow and the kind of story I was telling. Also, I had no idea what name to choose (and a name really defines someone I think), so that's another reason why I left it blank. I suppose it would have been a nice surprise to see a name at the end - but would it really add a lot to it seeing as she's just an OC? I'll think about it! But thank you so much for the kind words! I really appreciate the review!! :)
- Charlotte Report Review
This is a beautiful story. I read it at the same time while listening to the podcast of it so I don't know if that affected something of how I see the story. I liked it however. :)
One thing I don't feel is quite believable, is what the protagonist also doesn't. I mean the foodfight. I think that at hogwarts too there would quite soon be someone stopping them. But in another way it works as a memory that goes through the story and helps us to understand the characters more.
These kind of stories, with no dialogue and not really action either as everything is in the past, can be a bit difficult and end up a bit heavy. I however think that the story flowed quite well as you wrote it. I liked it how the beginning focused more on the OC and then the latter part focused more on Fred as a person as she started to focus on him more. I especially liked how you described the changes in herself and how she grew up, maybe because I could to some extent recognice myself. I wasn't quite that shy or always by myself as she was, but I was shyer and quieter and I've also grown to be braver and talking more even to people I don't know. :)
So overall it was a very good story and I enjoyed reading it! :)Author's Response: Hey! :)
I'm sorry for the late response, I did read this earlier, but didn't get the chance to respond. Thank you so so much for your absolutely lovely review, and for the podcast review as well. It really means a lot that you liked it so thank you!
I can definitely see what you mean by what the protagonist doesn't, but back when I was writing this it was the best scenario I could come up with for the first time they met :P And it's nice to know that you can relate to the character to some extent!
So thank you for the really lovely review! :D
- charlotte Report Review
this was such a good story! i love this one shot so much. seriously. it made me smile =)
i love how it gave you the image the entire story and let the reader kind of use their own imagination to fill in the details. very different.
10/10. =DAuthor's Response: Hey! :)
Aww, thank you so much! You honestly just made my day, so thank you so much for the really kind words and for the absolutely lovely review!
Charlotte :) Report Review
I like this fanfic a lot. Normally when I see large paragraphs, I end up telling writers not to use them, because they come across as big and bulky, with to much information jammed in this. However, you keep each paragraph being a point of interest, rather then shoving many in.
One small thing you may want to look over, particularly if you aren't updating any fanfics are the dates you use. I am not sure if that was how you meant for it to be, but her moving in, becoming engaged and married all happen within a year of each other, at least that is what I am thinking from what I've read. I may have misread something.Author's Response: Hey there! :)
Yes, you do bring up a good point about big paragraphs! Woah.. never actually noticed that before - I usually don't like big paragraphs too, so why am I writing them? :L But thank you! I'm glad I managed to keep them interesting!
Oh, that is a very good point! Nobody has yet pointed that out to me, I think. Now that I read over it, all the timing could have been done better and I can see how it might be confusing! I was trying to put some time between each event, but trying to use methods other than "three years later". Thank you though, I will definitely give that an edit sometime soon.
Thank you so much for the lovely review!
- maskedmuggle :) Report Review
This story brought tears to my eyes. Very well-written, nice job =) I liked the style-it really fit well with the story.Author's Response: Hi Maddie,
Thank you so much. I am glad I was able to write quite emotionally. Really, just thank you so much for the compliments, it really means a lot to me :)
-Charlotte Report Review
Teehee, I was confused at first because I hadn't checked the era and thought it was about the first Fred. Silly me!
Aww, this was so nicely written. I love those types of stories, the ones that span a long time and have little sections. It was cute and flowed well and didn't drag on much at all (although I think splitting things up into more paragraphs would make for slightly easier reading).
It was simple and to the point, but the details gave it charm and life. And it's hard to build a relationship with just one one-shot with a pair of OC-ish characters, but you do it well. I think I'd like to know some more about Fred in their late Hogwarts years, since we know her early perceptions and how they change, but a little less after that.
Very lovely! ♥Author's Response: Hey! :D
Lol :P But thank you so much! :)
Ooh yeah! I should, shouldn't I? Big paragraphs intimidate me also... Thanks for the good point! I don't believe anyone has said that yet! :D
But someone else has pointed out how I have less of them in their later years, so hopefully I'll be able to maybe add in another 'first' for themĂ˘Â€Â¦
Well, thank you for your lovely review and for your generous words ^_^ Report Review
Hello fellow Ravenclaw :)
Wow, that was a very sweet and moving piece. I love that you never learn who the narrator is and how it is a complete story of a love that lasted for many years.
I really enjoyed the description and how she felt once she was alone. The last sentence was a perfect way to end it.
The only thing that struck me as slightly odd was when it says "I first married Fred..." it makes me think that she marries him for a second time somewhere along the line lolol. But that's just me, haha.
Very sweet story :)Author's Response: Hello! :D
Thanks for reviewing this story! I'm glad you thought so :)
Ooh, I never noticed that! Thank you! However, I wanted to continue on with my pattern of "I first", but I'll see if there's anything I can do about that! ><
Thank you for the lovely review :) Report Review
Wow, that is really good. I've never read anything Fred II/OC- In fact I've only really just started getting into Next Gen so this was lovely to read. It was so sweet and I can honestly say that this made me smile, so thank you :) Keep writing, you're amazing!
x ElyAuthor's Response: Awh, thank you so much! This has really put a big smile on my face! :D
Thank you very much for the lovely review :) Report Review
The difference between your early writing and your more recent writing is like night and day. You have improved so much! It's actually really fun for me to get to see that. That's one thing I sometimes enjoy very much about beta reading or about having followed an author for a long time.
This chapter started out strong, I think. You seem to do fairly well with beginnings. You did well with slipping in little details about her physical appearance without having one of those boring I-look-like-this paragraphs.
However, after that, the story lost a bit of its polish. It got a bit summary-ish. It's easy to fall into that when writing in first person, so it's just something to watch out for, I think. Look at how many of your sentences begin with the word "I." There are some paragraphs where it becomes repetitious, and that's where the story really starts to feel like a summary or list.
And obviously, this story is essentially a summary of the character's life, so it's not like you can completely get rid of the summary-like feel--nor should you. Just watch out for repetitious phrasing and maybe give a little more detail to some areas. Some big things you breeze over pretty quickly.
One thing I am a little confused about is the Muggle school thing. Do you mean the character attended a Muggle school before going to Hogwarts, like Harry did? That's what I'm assuming.
Overall, it's a nice story. It has a certain soft, gentle, and wistful quality about it, which made for a pleasant reading experience. Description was good in general--just watch out for rushing your stories.Author's Response: HELLO! :D
Oh dear, has it really been a week already when you wrote this? ==
Awh thank you so much! :) That's true, it does seem to fall into a pattern, which isn't always 100% good. I have taken note of your points and when I next edit it, I'll try to look at the repetition/summary/list thing and see what I can do.
Yep! That's what I meant. :D
Thank you :) Ha, usually my stories are rushed because they're for challenges and I write them in one day to make the deadline >< Thank you! :) Report Review
Hey! Orderofthephoenix from the 'Claws review thread here :)
This is such a beautiful and different way to tell a person's story through their eyes. You introduced the OC gradually throughout the story and you did similarly with Fred. The way you told sections of the most important moments in her life is very well done. I also like how you've started and ended each section the same way.
The feelings she develops happens slowly over time and what makes it even more realistic is that he doesn't notice her at first. She does seem to have a slightly perfect view of Fred but that's the only suggestion for improvement that I have.
-Sophia xAuthor's Response: Hi Sophia!! :)
Thank you so much for stopping by and reading my story!! Thank you for the really lovely review; I agree that Fred falls a little flat.. I really should give him a flaw or two.. but I'm a bit afraid of making him cliche by making him have anger issues/clumsiness..
Thank you for the suggestion! And thank you for the lovely review!! :D
-Charlotte :) Report Review
I really liked this story, it was different but one of the best I've read. I even liked the ending even though Fred had died. I also like how you made his favorite animal a chicken because he reminded him of the Burrow, that might sound weird but still I thought it was sweet :)Author's Response: Hey Arielle!! :D
Thanks so much for stopping by my story!!
I'm really, really stunned that you liked it and that you thought it was one of the best you've read. That is a real compliment, so thank you. :)
I just thought that ending it with death, the ultimate end; seemed fitting :) Haha the favourite animal being a chicken was mainly because this was an entry for the Random Romance Challenge; I had Fred II/OC and three objects I had to incorporate into the piece: Biscuits/Chicken/Socks :P
Thank you very much for the really lovely review! *inserts :wub: emoticon here as if this was on the forums :P*
-Charlotte Report Review
I was very excited to see you appearing on my thread! I'm always inclined to pop over here for a visit & review. And I must say that I wasn't disappointed. -Enter excitement here-
First off, I really loved the blocked off almost vignettes. Except they aren't quite vignettes because vignettes tend to be very sensory and engaging. But the stoic nature of the OC made it very original.
And I also liked the way you made a gradual change in the OC as she grew older; it was very believable and very relatable. Often times, we get a skewed present of the OC and don't understand a past or anticipate much of a good future. You gave a complete picture though and it was a good change of pace.
Your grammar and syntax definitely fit the story. It was a simple but provoking style that was almost poetic prose. Its kind of like reading free verse in a world of end rhyme ^_^
My suggestions would be to create more of a balanced one-shot if you included some post Hogwarts memories--they could even be simple things that she learnt as she went through life. How it felt when her daughters went to Hogwarts, how it felt to know the life you brought into the world is bringing life into the world, what its like when you finally realize what life is like without the loved one (Her and Fred knew each other a long time in life...).
My other suggestion would the "perfect" image of Fred that the OC tended to have--the lack of flaws bugged me a little bit. The OC was so dynamic for me... but Fred came off a little flat to me. Maybe some detail about how she learnt about how Fred couldn't deal with the idea of death for himself. Just some suggestions on my part.
Its an excellent one-shot and I hope you are very proud of it!!!
~LindseyAuthor's Response: Hi Lindsey!!
Gosh, sorry for responding to this 4 days late ==
I was very excited to see that I had a nice new long review from you to read!! :D I always look forward to your reviews cos they're so nice & helpful ;)
Awh thanks so much! One or two people have mentioned that, so I suppose I will have to make an effort to think up a few more post-Hogwarts memories! You've got some great ideas there - daughters going to Hogwarts.. never thought about that one!!
Ahh, too true! I tried to make him have a flaw.. but yeah, I failed! I'm just so wary of making him have some of the "cliche" flaws; like anger, clumsiness, etc. but I see now that no flaws leave him a bit flat. - Maybe some detail about how she learnt about how Fred couldn't deal with the idea of death for himself - what a great idea! Ooh, I shall see what I can do with that! It's definitely sparked some ideas in me though!
All in all, thank you so much for the lovely review, and for the nice suggestions as well! I really appreciate you taking the time to come and review; because I know how much effort really goes into one review! So, a big thank you!! :D
- Charlotte :) Report Review
Okay, so I'm happy my review on your other story helped you out. I'm sorry to say this won't be of much help for two reasons:
1. My migraine is preventing me from full-on critiquing right now.
2. This story is just generally pretty awesome.
For a one-shot, you managed to capture this stranger's entire life. You didn't hammer on the detail, didn't force in the drama. You created a wonderful, general life story. I usually ache for stories to have some kind of action and drama added in, but this didn't need it. You showed just how much she felt for Fred without going all overly dramatic like a lot of stories do. You explained his death easily as well. It wasn't something dark or menacing. It was natural; a refreshing take on things like this.
Also, one of the things that I greatly enjoyed with this story was how you started off every section (sans the very last, but that was wonderful on its own) with "I first felt...," "I first had...," etc. The repetition was perfect with this piece and connected the sections great.
A very different story (one-shot at that), but it's a great kind of different. I really liked this.
P.S. I read through one more time to try and critique something since that's what you asked for. Okay, the only thing I can honestly comment on is to perhaps add a bit more. I mean, it's already quite long for a one-shot, and I don't want you to write something too long that it would overbear the story. However, I can see that the pattern you went for at the beginning of the sections can open a door for another section or two after Fred and her marry. For example, some place after the baby, and before the death would be a good spot. Maybe talk about another "first" of hers like a first son-in-law/grandchild, something like that. -shrug- I dunno, just thought I'd try to add in some suggestions since I don't know what else to say ;)Author's Response: Hi ;)
Awh, no matter about not helping too much, this lovely review has cheered me up, and actually, you did have the good suggestion at the end ^_^
Awh, thank you so much for the positive feedback! I'm glad you like the repetition as well ^_^
One other person has also commented on adding another section in the later half, and I have to say I agree.. I guess this piece was in a bit of a rush to get validated in time for a challenge, and I was kinda running out of ideas. Another 'first' is a good idea, but I thought grandchild would be just kinda boring? :/ I don't know, since I already did her first child. Maybe though, it has potential, and it might just depend on the way I write it.
Oh, and I do hope you get well soon! Hope your migraine goes away :)
- charlotte! Report Review
I really loved this. It's so sweet, like hearing a story about people you really know. I like the pattern you set - "I first..." and then "I later learnt..." It made everything flow very smoothly with that pattern in place, and I looked forward to each chapter to see what was in store for her, and what she would later learn. My only CC is a suggestion - and feel free to ignore it. I can't think of many ways to improve this story, after all, since it was so lovely. However, if I HAVE to think of something, then it would be to fill in the gaps somewhat between having a baby and being old. You detailed the first seven years of Hogwarts, and then even after Hogwarts, most of the events were clustered closely together. Perhaps if you detailed just two or so more things in-between - like their first serious fight and one of them disappears for a day or so, or something devastating like their child had to be hospitalized or their house got destroyed in a flood. I also think it would be really poignant if you described Fred's death in a more in-depth way. The end felt a bit sudden because there wasn't much lead-into. Maybe you could go back and say, "It first settled in that my husband was gone forever when I laid the single rose on top of his coffin" or when he was diagnosed with a disease or when she woke up and the bed next to her was cold and empty but his reading glasses were still on the nightstand, or something to that effect.
Really, though, these changes aren't even completely necessary. It's fine the way it is on its own, after all. The minor tweaking I suggested might breach the gaps a bit, but it's your story. And I think it's great. Very, very realistic. :)
~ Toujours PadfootAuthor's Response: Hey!
Thank you so much for leaving such a lovely review - and so promptly too! :)
Thank you! I'm glad you liked the repetitive pattern! I really quite like it too!
Hey - CC is always great! Your suggestion is something that I've thought once or twice before, but kinda ignored it because I didn't know what else to write XD. But you've brought up some great ideas - so thank you! A fight is definitely a good idea.. and something sad might be good too.
You also brought up a great point about Fred's death. I guess I didn't really think about that - just wrote that he died because it suited my fic. I will have to think about that one ^_^ (and that example sentence was so lovely by the way - the "It first settled in that my husband was gone forever when I laid the single rose on top of his coffin" - so beautiful!)
Basically thank you! This is exactly the kind of review I was looking for! I probably will do some minor tweaking - this was also in a bit of a rush to get validated for a challenge, so yeah, thanks heaps for the lovely review!
THAAANK YOUUU! :)
- Charlotte! Report Review
Wow Charlotte! I really love this one :)
Firstly it took me a couple "years" to fully appreciate that there was a clear pattern in syntax happening. Once I understood I found myself grinning at the computer screen :D I really love the way that you manipulate simple syntax into creating a really deep tone nonetheless--it gives you a sense of instant connection. You see the life of this girl clearly, and I thought she was very relatable. In most stories that I read I take an immediate disinclination to a simple, statement-based narration but in this one it just...works. I think that the flow is really apt to the story as well because the formative years of any relationship (not that I have empirical evidence for this one ;) ) are such a foundation for the rest of their time together that I don't find it necessary for you to have gone into more detail about their relationship after Hogwarts. Some things are better left to imagination and I find that we get ample detail to base this upon in the gaps that you leave. The imbalance is fitting.
I find this piece to be distantly poetic. Most contemporary poetry has a way of using simple language to evoke great emotion and create communities of readers who all relate both to the speaker of the poem and to all of the other readers themselves. I think this story has the basis down for the creation of communities--not something that I say lightly. This is truly unique and charming, lovely, lovely to read.
Tremendous job! Really, I can't praise you highly enough :) :)
--lilyAuthor's Response: Hi Lily! :D
Awh, thank you so, so much! This review made me smile like mad :)
LOL you sound so.. educated! Your language is very sophisticated XD (and that shows in your writing too!) Anyway, I really can't thank you enough!!
I'm glad you liked the repetitiveness - I'm surprised you didn't notice it straightaway :P But yeah, thank you so much about everything; for the lovely review! :)
-charlotte! Report Review
I can't quite find the right word to describe this. Sweet seems to fluffy. Nice seems like I'm just on the fence about it. Amazing sounds like it was full of drama and twists and turns. It was ... different. Good different. Wonderful different. Marvellous different!
So many stories these days have such dramatic endings that by the end your just going, woah, slow down there a bit. All that happened in a day? In this, it happened over something like 60 years and it still didn't leave me feeling like I just ran a emotional marathon. It was great! It was like taking a breather. Also, the moral of it had a really good base in realism and real life. I could totally imagine this relationship happening (apart from the witch part, as much as I dream of Hogwarts).
The use of the repeated sections starters 'I first' really ties the whole story together. Sometimes stories like this jump all over the place and your doing your brain in going 'What?? Where am I??' But by using them it connects the parts so you can see the big picture and get some of that moral coming through (like a jigsaw puzzle!)
I would have liked to see a little more detail of their relationship after Hogwarts. You put so much detail into the Hogwarts years but after that it sort of fades away a little and moves on a little faster.
Over a really ... gaah I still can't think of the right word! Even after writing a whole review about it! Classic? Stoic? A Staple? Anyway, I every much enjoyed it. Hugs,
Nikki :)Author's Response: Hello Nikki! :)
Awh, thank you! I think good different, wonderful different and marvellous different is very complimentary, so thanks! :P
I'm glad you like the repetitiveness! I started writing one paragraph, then thought the second paragraph would sound good if I started the same. Then, because I"m such a perfectionist, all the other paragraphs had to be the same :P
True though - in Hogwarts, I wrote every year, but after, I only did the main big things in someone's life. I'll look into that. I wonder what other major relationship stepping stones there are.. Never been in a relationship so I'll have a think ;)
Thanks Nikki! :) Report Review
Wow. No really Charlotte, it is wow. It has a good consistency about it and it is real and positively gorgeous.
It's incredibly realistic, there wasn't any I saw him and loved him at first sight...
I loved the whole 'I first...' thing and how it was repeated, it set the mood perfectly.
The title for the story and chapter was great and really fit.
I can't think of any flaw. It is perfect. :)
So thank you so much for participating and I think I'll think about it for a few more days and give anyone else a chance to PM me before I decide who wins. :)
Well done. :DAuthor's Response: Hey Claudia! :)
Awh thank you so much! I'm really quite proud of this one; I would say it's one of my best, so I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you so much for the compliments! Some of the repetitiveness were a bit weird, but I wanted to continue on with the repetitiveness theme, so I'm glad you think it set the mood :)
THAANK YOUU! For the lovely review + for the great challenge! :D Report Review
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