I really like your story but I was wondering which was the real pairing, because you wrote Rose/Scorpius but seem really fond of Scorpius and Elodie.

Author's Response: I don't know, to be honest. Ehehehehehe. Thanks for reading though, sorry if the ship confusion throws you off! :)

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Ahh it's been too long since I (re)read TDON, but your writing has always been wonderfully easy to slip back into and all the characterisations are easy to take on after we've learnt so much in the previous chapters. Also, I love how each little section devoted to the main characters reveal a little more about the expectations and history of that person. They feel more like real, fluid people who it's easier to connect with.

Rose and her plan! I adored reading her entrance to the class from all four points of view, because it gave us delicious character insight and more Elorpius (bad ship name but hey) history. Finding out the root of the Dom/Rose hate has been something I've wanted to do for a while, and it's great to read it and be able to compare how they've changed.

It was even more interesting to see the two compared by Scorpius, who is pretty much unaffected (and thus the reason for each cousin's annoyance). Actually, another great contrast that was enjoyable - because I like the contrasts, A LOT - was Albus' point on Elodie and Scorpius together and apart. His strange watching has become something that I root for and enjoy, because he's got such a different outlook and I can't help but feel sorry for the poor guy all the time :(

I'm very excited for finding out auror-related secrets and reactions to Rose - please update soon (despite rather rambling review)! :D

Author's Response: Hey Lottie! Thank you so much for your review - you're really too nice! :D I initially had qualms about this chapter - most specifically about the whole multiple POV things - maybe it was too confusing, too repetitive etc. I'm glad you think it worked, though! :)

Elorpius has been used before, if you can believe it. And yes, Dom and Rose hate each other massively, and that's the main reason for all of Rose's actions. She just wants to get back at her, really. And it doesn't really work...

I LOVE ALBUS HE'S SO FUN TO WRITE BECAUSE HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO ISN'T IN LOVE OR INTERESTED IN SCORPIUS (although technically you could say that Albus is in love with Elorpius because he's obsessed with them) AND HE'S LIKE ABED OR SHERLOCK OR I DON'T KNOW I JUST LIKE HIM.

Thank you so much for your wonderful review; thank you, thank you, thank you! :D

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It's really interesting how you've characterised all four characters; I also liked the structuring of this chapter- all four reactions to one scene was nice to see. Great piece of work!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I had a couple of qualms about the whole four-person POV on one scene... good to know that you think it worked! Thanks for reading and reviewing!!

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Awesome story - I really like the characters! Especially Rose's way of thinking its quite scary really update soon? I also like the view point of all of them it worked nicely.

Author's Response: Rose is pretty scary, to be honest. Thanks for reading and reviewing!

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Cannot believe this only has 4 comments. I love it, so unique.

Author's Response: Aaww, thank you!

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Such a good beginning of a story, well done.

Author's Response: Thank you so much!

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So odd that you've structure it this way! I love the concept of all four reactions to the same moment, so, so good! Well done! I love this chapter!!!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading!

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I really love this story please update soon

Author's Response: I'm on it! Thank you!

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Hello!

Woah, where to start?

I loved how you started the chapter from Stan's viewpoint - it gave a great outsiders opinion. It also was realy well narrated and brought be into the situation immedietly.

This chapter was full of mystery! Whether it be Draco's disappearance (or the threat he was under). Or Astoria's mystery illness. Or Scorpius' indifference. Or who Elodie actually is. Or why she turned him down.

There's just so much unaswered that I really want to carry on reading! So great job on gripping the reader :P

Your characterisation was brilliant and the story flowed really well. It was the small details, such as the aged house-elf or the puddle that Elodie stepped into which made this such a good piece.

My favourite line was 'the faint spots of blood on an old dusty mirror, that glowed crimson in the moonlight'. Really brilliant line! xD

Great first chapter!

Keira :)

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I. LOVE. ROSE. SO. FUHREAKING. MUCH. She's so amazingly crafted. It's like you took this simple idea of her--being Head Girl, caring for people, maintaining a perfect exterior--and then painted an entire picture around it. I love how this chapter demonstrates how far her reach goes; what she does affects everybody else.

I love the way you wrote this chapter, too. It's sort of an odd idea, writing one scene from the point of view of different characters. It seems like it should've felt redundant, but it absolutely didn't. And doing it at this point in the story was genius. We're all so invested in each of the characters now, it's entirely poetic to take one thing they all have in common--this scene, those three little lines of dialogue--and dissect it four completely different ways. And not only that, but restate several tiny mentions of things in a whole new light.

The way you addressed perfection in this chapter was truly astounding. How Rose absolutely has to have it in her life, how that shapes all of her other characteristics. How Elodie is so well-versed in it to notice the flaws, how her descriptions suggest she knows she has it, yet she doesn't at the same time. How Albus judges it by observation, dreams of and envisions it without ever actually seeming to try for it, how he sometimes seems content with that and is sometimes anything but. How Elodie is such a huge part of Scorpius' life that he almost seems to judge the perfection of the world based on her.

Gah. It's just... I can't even... I don't understand how it's possible for all of this to be put in this one chapter and have it be so overwhelming yet leave me wanting more and more and more. MUST HAVE MORE. PLEASE OR I WILL DIE.

I have literally read this story at least four times over entirely, just to experience it again. I. Love. It.

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Wow. This is a spine-tingling story indeed! I'm secretly (well not so much a secret) glad that this is quite a different, dark next-gen; not fluffy and humorous. It adds a lovely depth that makes the story more real, and exciting. Funny stories are nice, but this is just amazing. Pure class.

There's a lot of description, which is really lovely. It sets an intriguing scene; I imagine lots of creepy moonlight and strange shadows...

Your grammar was flawless and I just LOVE your writing style!

I can't wait to find out what happens! :3

LWG x

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Hi there! *team blue*

It's been a while since I read this, but your writing is very easy to slip back into; the film noir-esque world you've created out of Hogwarts isn't easy to forget, and surprisingly addictive.

I love how you've shown the comparisons between Elodie and Dominique that Scorpius can't stop seeing; how he is thrown from one to the other, and he tries to see through them, but is never pleased by what he gets because it was better in the past. It creates a lot of tension, and I have to say that I adored Elodie and Dominique's face-off. It's amazing how you've shown that they are confident in all languages (French, body, etc.) and are using everything in their power to manipulate the world around them.

I also loved the way that you did the Auror's investigation. They were so pathetic, but you showed clearly how Scorpius was struggling to fight them off, and Elodie - enigmatic Elodie - had to step in and help. I love how you show her fluctuating moods so often, in a sort of dance with Scorpius. And I love the casual threat from the seemingly pathetic aurors too; you've really got the message across that nobody is what they seem.

Also, I loved the development of Scorpius and Al's relationship - it's so strange, but strangely refreshing. However, it too was marred by the teeny reminder at the end that Rose knows. It was so clever, how you inserted a single phrase about her, but it really shadowed their sort-of friendship and added underlying tension that even Scorpius doesn't know about.

I don't know if I ever said this in previous reviews, but I love how you change tenses for Scorpius' feelings about Elodie and back again, as if to demonstrate just how unsure he is of his feelings about her.

Anyway, I adored this! 10/10, please update soon Hattie :D
~Lottie

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It's me from the forums here with you review!

First of all I have to compliment the depth of your character development. All the characters are super flawed and I'm not really sure who, if anybody, to root for. It's pretty common to see Rose be an overachiever, but I definetley haven't seen her this nasty and calculating before. The rivalry between her and Dominique is great, and Dom just seems totally evil. Albus seems very interesting as well, and its believable that they would all turn out this way given the pressures and expectatiotns they would grow up with because of who their parents are.

The relationships between the Malfoy family are very interestng and beleivable as well. Since I'm not a fan of Draco, I enjoyed that you portrayed him so bitter and distant, its totaly accurate.

The investigation with the Aurors in this chapter was well executed, and it realy felt like watching a scene from law and order or that kind of show. Draco's mysterious disaperance lends some suspense that keeps the plot moving. It's also very interestng to see the complex and nuanced relationship between Scorpious and Elodie and the way that comes accross here. It wa sinteresting to see that she stuck up for him during the questioning, showing that she obviously still cares about him on some level despite rejecting him.

This is a very intersting story so far, and the last line about Rose was a great new twist and cliffhanger.

Author's Response: It's me with your belated review response! Sorry about that, I had exams and then my muse went mental so I've been writing pretty solidly. But here I am!

I really, really wanted to focus on character development in this story - lots of tension, lots of build up - after reading stories where people are in love or best friends after one or two chapters. Rose is horrible. She's ambitious and intelligent, yes, but she uses her talents in the worst possible way - she's a bully and she thinks that she can just walk all over people. I was so tempted by a bit of Alpius... who knows? It may creep in. I like them as friends. I'm starting to worry that Rose and Dominique will start to merge into the same person: they are both bitchy, controlling, apparently perfect. I want to leave Rose's development the latest, because the story because a lot more about her once stuff with Scorpius calms down, so her and Dominique are stuck together as bitchy Weasley girls for a while.

Scor and Elodie once loved each other, but now fight and fight and cause each other so much pain that in end they realise it isn't worth it, and after the slight burst of euphoria/adrenalin at the other's pain, they just feel bad because they desire each other/are attracted to one another.

Thanks for your lovely comments and for reading and reviewing! :D

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This story is amazing! I'm really loving it ♥ I absolutely adore all of your characters and just how deep they are. Even though I don't like Rose, her character is amazing, and not just the usual up herself Rose we often see. I'm actually drawn towards any of the Scorpius/Albus interaction; I love reading those sections and for some odd reason I feel like they should form a relationship...yeah.. I really just love how strong all of your characters are and I really want to read more of this original awesomeness ;D

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really, really wanted to focus on character development in this story - lots of tension, lots of build up - after reading stories where people are in love or best friends after one or two chapters. Rose is horrible. She's ambitious and intelligent, yes, but she uses her talents in the worst possible way - she's a bully and she thinks that she can just walk all over people. I was so tempted by a bit of Alpius... who knows? It may creep in. I like them as friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this awesome review, and sorry it took so long to reply! :D

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This is great! New chapter soon please :)

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! :D

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I really love this story. How it's sort of dark and poetic. You're a really good writer. Thanks!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

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Hi there! It's me, with your horribly belated review.

Although you said this was a filler chapter, I actually found it very un-filler-y considering how much of Rose and Dominique's characters were revealed through this. I also loved the new twist in Elodie and Scorpius's relationship.

Concerning Rose, I love how you showed her power over people, and exactly how manipulative and controlling she really is. As she threatened Dominique, it was awfully scary considering we could see just how truly Rose meant her words, and what she could do to anyone in the school if she so wished.

Concerning Dominique, I loved your descriptions of her and her contrasts and similarities to Rose and Elodie. She is just as manipulative as Rose, and you conveyed how much she hated Rose really well, yet is very different because of how she wields her charm and coldness.

I also loved how Scorpius and Rose both compare Dominique to Elodie; it made Scorminique so much more complicated, because it was laced with desire for Elodie on Scorpius's side, and Dominique was actually falling for someone on the other... It was really enthralling to read and compare them! Again, I love how similar those two are, yet so different too, and I think you showed us that really well.

But the ending was so exciting! I can't wait to read about what has happened to Draco, and that last line was a killer... foreshadowing much?
But 10/10, I loved this! You show such different sides to everyone and your characterisation is just fantastic :)
~TGK

Author's Response: Hi there! It's me, with your horribly belated review response!

Sometimes, I really don't have the guts to make anything exciting happen in a chapter. I can do cliffhangers, mostly, and people talking about exciting things, so really a majority of all my chapters in all my fics are fillers. Or specially assigned to 'character development'.

I'm starting to worry that Rose and Dominique will start to merge into the same person: they are both bitchy, controlling, apparently perfect. I want to leave Rose's development the latest, because the story because a lot more about her once stuff with Scorpius calms down, so her and Dominique are stuck together as bitchy Weasley girls for a while. They don't like each other. And they certainly don't like Elodie, who also has the cold, manipulating gene (she's quite similar to Dominique - that's why Scorpius picked/fell/did what he did with her) and could also be shoved into the Bitchy Witch club. Her kindness and genuine love for people (including Scorpius) will be shown later in the story.

I kinda love Scorminique, just a little, little bit, so they started because I love ship. It was also something that Rose could ruin Dominique with, and something that tied him in with them. They would have never spoken/met if he hadn't have started the affair with Dom. And when Rose and Scorpius meet, it's going to be fun. :)

Thank you so much for your lovely, lovely comments. Really. I love your thoughts on the characters, and what you're saying has already sparked ideas for new things. Thank you!

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Um, okay, I seriously love Rose. She's the greatest. I feel like I can relate to each of your characters in some way, and that makes me want to read this story again and again and again until my eyes hurt.

Elodie is so awesome! It makes me really, really hate Dominique for going in and ruining my whole vision of Scorpius/Elodie, but of course it's not all her fault. Still. She's awful--and I mean that in the best way possible. You've even done really subtle things to add to the mound of dislike heaping upon her, which is growing larger and larger the more that I decide I really love Elodie.

I love that all of your characters are so different, yet still so alike. They are in perfect harmony with your spectacular plot which makes me twist angry faces at the computer for not presenting me with more beautiful words to read.

Have I mentioned I love this story? Because I seriously love this story.

Author's Response: Hahaha! The whole point is that you are not meant to like Rose! She's the biggest git of them all, really. She thinks she's perfect and that's her flaw. She thinks she's unbreakable. I forbid you to like her!

I love Elodie lots and lots. She's my favourite girl, I think, and Albus is my favourite boy. She's very... (I want to say bipolar but it's the wrong word) two-faced. She's horrible to Scorpius but she's got a reason for that. She's nicer and kinder to Albus, a boy she's never really talked to... but she's also in love with Scorpius enough to go with him to stalk/find his father etc. etc. She's a complicated gal. Dominique's a bit of a... meh. She's manipulative too, and her and Elodie are a lot alike (that's why Scorpius picked her)... but she doesn't have that nice streak. She's just horrible. But she could be 'falling' for Scorpius so that's all complicated and nice.

You twist angry faces over my story? You don't know what that means to me. Thank you so much for all your lovely and complimentary comments - your review made my day. THANK YOU SO MUCH! ♥

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The atmosphere in this piece overall is wonderful; you've created a feeling of foreboding and of sadness, and things broken that can't be repaired easily or at all.

I love how you've given each viewpoint character a complex personality. Each one has a believable human quality: Scorpius's struggle with cigarettes, Elodie's feigned indifference to Scorpius, and Albus's feeling out of place in his irritating family. It's a breath of fresh air to see the Weasley-Potters depicted as anything but the perfect family; I applaud you for that daring choice.

You requested some notes on grammar / punctuation; overall it was a very solidly composed chapter, so I'll try to zero in on just a few spots in a review context. One bit in the opening paragraph jumped out at me; "If she had taken a few steps to her left, she would have been to sense his scent..." You may have meant to edit it out and go in another direction. (I do this myself all the time, which may be why I caught it!). There are other word choice / missing word / missed plurals here and there as well, I don't want to call each one out in a review context but it would benefit from a quick once-over.

I suspect that a Slytherin Albus who would like to follow in Arthur's footsteps is in trouble if anyone finds out; his ideas would surely not be popular in his House. (He's more of a Weasley than he'd like to be!). I hope Snape's portrait does have some interaction with Albus, that would be fun to read.

The atmosphere in this piece overall is wonderful; you've created a feeling of foreboding and of sadness, and things broken that can't be repaired easily or at all. Great chapter & I look forward to reading more!

Author's Response: I wanted to achieve just that, so thank you so much! I'm so glad it worked. Third person is always difficult for me, just like levels of description, so I hope the mood wasn't ruined by that.

I have always wanted to write some epic story where the characters are really developed and the plot is luscious and you get really get your teeth into it. I read a really good one (embarrassingly a Gossip Girl fanfic) and thought I could try it for myself. I actually love writing about dysfunctional family. I wanted the pretense of a happy family and I supposed that it what Harry and Ginny think they have. They also think that Albus is just shy - they try to encourage him. They feel they have to make a special effort because he's so different. Albus isn't as stupid as they think though, and their apparent approval of his Slytheriness just comes off as patronising - which it is.

I'll have a look and edit! Thanks for pointing it out! :D

I love Arthur, and I hated killing him off, but I wanted Albus to have something that meant he was still tied to the Potter/Weasleys, something that meant to came back every summer and kept reading. He did it respect for his grandfather, someone who shared his love of books - I always pictured Arthur as a little bit wise. And Albus Sev was Arthur's fave grandson.

Thank you so much for your lovely lovely comments. Really. Thanks for taking the time to review!

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Hello! Just wanted to let you know that I'm really enjoying your story. I think the characterisation is really interesting, and I'm going to favourite it so I can come back for more. Good job!

Author's Response: Aaw, thank you so much for your lovely comments! I really appreciate it. Thanks for reviewing!

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Elodie's mother's smile was now creeping up around her ears and looked like she was out to eat children.
- This line made me laugh. :D

She pulled it off, instead sliding it onto her ring finger and admiring it in the weak autumn sunlight. She would look good engaged.
- This was a pretty image. I can't help but to ship Scorpodie fervently. Even if they might be wrong for each other. Even if their relationship is broken. I can't help it.

Now I'm very intrigued about Albus's emergence in the story. What's he going to add to the mix? LOVE AFFAIR WITH ELODIE? Maybe he's a vigilante and he kidnapped and killed Draco? Maybe he's going to uncover an enormous Ministry plot to kill all the former Death Eaters? Maybe Scorpius is a psycho and he's going to kill poor Albus?

SO MANY THEORIES.

I like Albus's character, and how he seems invisible next to him attention-seeking siblings. I especially adore that the only person he seemed to identify with in his family was Arthur (much love for Arthur ♥ ), and now Arthur is dead and Albus is feeling kind of lonely. He's one of those people who doesn't seem to need others to rely on for company - he's satisfied with reading books. And I like that he has this small aura of arrogance about him - his distaste for Lily and James, for the Ministry car tradition, for everyone shouting and for everyone else around him in general - in a small way, he seems to think himself superior to them. From the sound of things, he might have good reason to. I love him already.

I can't wait to see where this goes.

I wub your skillz. Give dem 2 me rite now.

♥

Author's Response: SAZ U BAK. YAY. WUB OOO.

Scorpodie! Again! Elpius, Scordie, Elopius, surely. Just reminds me of peas and that. :D Yes, their relationship is broken, yes, it's in tattahz, but that doesn't mean it can't be fixed. They were very much in love before the whole rejected proposal thing, so it's all very complicated. Keep reading and you'll find out more things that complicate it even further.

ALBUS! I WUB HIM! He's my favourite to write, I think. He's so still and observant and a little stalkerish. He's the most subdued, but the most interesting, I feel. All those things are a possibility, obviously, especially the vigilant one and the Ministry plot one. No one knows why he was picked as a Slytherin in the first place... ?? CONTROVERSY!

His siblings are very... annoying (searches for 12+ word that is appropriate). They're spoilt, they're petulant, they're pretty disgusting. Lily is your classic princess - pampered and babied, and James is more cool and cocky and very irritating. He can't relate to his parents because they don't know anything is wrong. His siblings bully him. He has no friends. His loneliness and isolation (which make him fun to write, no matter how much pity I feel for him) was definitely secured when Arthur died. His only connection to the Weasley/Potter fam was with Arthur - the reason he went back for holidays, why he went to dinners and gatherings, why didn't run away. Arthur's books are now all he has left of him. It's sad and weepy.

That's a good idea - I wasn't going for it, but now you've mentioned it, it really works. He thinks himself superior, but not overly so, not so much that he would tell people or judge people. He can't do that to anyone, mainly because he doesn't know anyone, but because he doesn't have the voice and they could judge for so many things in return.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your lovely review. You're awzum and all that. ♥


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This is fauxthefox from the forums with your requested review!

I love the atmosphere you've built up from here! It's all very murky and dangerous and fragile. Even your summary is very intense. Your characters (although of course I don't know much about them yet) seem three dimensional and well thought through.

You've got a few awkward sentences here and there, such as, "Malfoy's mother made no comment as she visited her shamed husband in Azkaban." But for the most part, your grammar and flow are very good.

The POV changes aren't distracting - in fact, I really like the opening of the story from Stan's POV. I like your descriptions, too!

9/10

Faux

Author's Response: Hi Faux! Thanks for stopping by!

The mood is really brought on my description (another difficult one to balance, like backstory or dialogue) and because everything is dark and rainy and cold and intense. I hoped the summary would reflect the story, so it would hook readers in. Glad you liked it. I wanted really developed characters for this fic, so hopefully it'll work out.

How is that sentence awkward? Would love some feedback on how to fix it, maybe an example or something.

Good to know you like it. I hate POV changes, especially in third person. It's difficult to switch.

Thanks for the review.

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NO, SCORPIUS. COME BACK. I WANT TO SEE SCORPODIE KISSES IN THE RAIN.

Oh my god, this story is fascinating. The characters - I can't even describe it. The characters are freaking amazing, Hattie. They're so real and believable already and I am very curious to know more about them. I want to know why their relationship fell apart - if it's salvageable - if they're meant to be. The way that she can push at him, using words like venom and taunting him with rejecting him, reminding him that his father was gone and his mother was dying - just...wow. And as sick as it is, I want to see her break him. It feels like it would sort of heal the situation.

Their chemistry is just intoxicating.

A couple of my favorite bits:

A tiny gold ember flew from the flames and left a small dark hole on the rich oak flooring. - It's descriptions like these that sell a story to me. It's so vivid. I am extremely impressed.

I also loved the bit about history repeating itself with the licorice ring and then her rejecting him again later in life. Why did she reject him? WHO COULD REJECT SCORPIUS?! He's so beautiful here, I just want to climb inside the story and force him to love me. But then I can see her side of it - it feels like he definitely proposed for the wrong reasons. Is she testing him? It feels like she's testing him, pushing boundaries and pressing buttons to trigger something.

They flitted around the subject that pulled and prodded at their minds, never actually mentioning it to one another, but all the same they both knew that they were talking about it.
- Gahh. Your descriptions are perfect. Just perfect.

This story is so lovely, Hattie. I can't wait to see what happens next. That's an art with stories - the addicting quality. You've either got it or you don't, and you REALLY do.

♥

Author's Response: Scorpodie? Really? Elpius. Elopius. Scordie. (Although that last one makes it sound like I'm threatening Scorpius... which is the last thing Skypeland wants).

Your lovely comments have literally made my day. I'm sorry it took so long for me to respond to this: I sat reading it over and over again and conniption occurred and it was all very beautiful. I wub you, Sarah. You're so kind. For Scorpius and Elodie, I was going for a Pip and Estella, as well as - a far less intellectual parallel though - Chuck and Blair from Gossip Girl. Scor and Elodie once loved each other, but now fight and fight and cause each other so much pain that in end they realise it isn't worth it, and after the slight burst of euphoria/adrenalin at the other's pain, they just feel bad because they desire each other/are attracted to one another.

Chemistry! Yay!

I tried to fit in memories so people could compare and contrast now and then. I wanted them to see that Scorpodie had been happy and in love and everything, but Scorpius changed that when he proposed and Elodie rejected him. You have to acknowledge that they do/did/whatever love each other and it's very hard for her to let go. You really have to think of her arguments with Scorpius as banter. Ish. Sort of. More emotionally jarring banter. I suppose she is testing him, in a way. She knows he's angry with her and that he hates her (she hates him too, but less, and more because of how he reacted rather than for proposing in the first place).

I WANT SCORPIUS TO LOVE ME TOO. I REALLY DO. HE'S SO SEXY AND BROODING.

Thank you, thank you, thank you so so so so so much for all your lovely comments and your points and your ideas, Sarah. Day = made because of this review. U r awzum. ♥

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HATTIE I HAVE COME HITHER AGAIN.

:O

Such mystery! Such intrigue! I want to know more about them. Elodie must have rejected Scorpius's proposal, but why? And if they're not together, then why is she with him? Where is Draco? What exactly is wrong with Astoria? Have they tried going to Muggle hospitals? Are they too proud/prejudiced to do that?

Already I am wanting more. You're very good with the art of feeding us certain information very slowly, answering one question just enough to satisfy our curiosity while unraveling another one to keep us guessing.

And the descriptions. Wow. The floral scent, the dust, the age. How much Malfoy Manor changed in a year. I could see the mirror with dust and blood spittle vividly - and I'm very much wondering what Astoria was searching for in her jewelry box.

Gah! So lovely. I can't wait to find out what happens next.

♥

Author's Response: HELLO SARAH. I AM GLAD YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN HITHERED.

READ ON, my pretty, and kinda-sorta-maybe-ish everything will be revealed! You'll discover all about what happened between Elodie and Scorpius, what their relationship is like now, and how it was before. She's a bit of a git and so is he. Draco's mystery will be uncovered later. Astoria's dying, so she'll be around for long.

Aaah, description. The bane of my existence. Too much? Too little? Too much backstory? Too little backstory? I'm glad you liked the newspaper article. I thought it would be the best way to relay the information. It was hard getting the tone right though.

TANK YA LUVLIH SAZ FO' ALL YO LUVLIH COMMENTS. U REALLEH IZ FABEROO. REALLEH. ♥

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Hi there! It's me off the forums with your review.

Almost straight away in the first chapter, you created enough dark atmosphere and lingering hints of Elodie and Scorpius's relationship that pulled the reader in. The confusing messages we are sent from both sides of the party, and the repetition of 'Will you marry me?' that is going through both their heads, is extremely pulling and really makes you want to find out what is happening between them.

This strange fascination is only heigtened as you further their complicated relationship, revealing their secrets and showing us their problems, all accentuated by your amazing descriptions that set the scene so perfectly, and are jam-packed with metaphors and tiny details that really put my teeth on edge, you create the tensions so well. The most obvious example of this is at the start of the second chapter, but it completely fits the scenario, and I think you have the perfect amount of anxious description running all the way through.

As both Scorpius and Elodie's characters were revealed more and more, we saw only more attachments to the outside world, and it was actually Albus's silent observations that taught us most about their past; their complete trust in each other, and their destruction. As we saw Albus's observations, we also got to learn more about him and his strange fascination with Scorpius and Elodie; you have it perfectly set up so that we can learn most about our main characters through others. This works extremely well, and I've never seen it done anywhere else before.

Your POV changes flow almost seamlessly, swapping into another person's head very easily, after some description of the person from our current POV (if that makes sense?). Your flow is quite a nice pace too, because although it is rather slow at the minute, it has built up a richly detailed emotional background for us to work with later on; the reactions of the main characters and their pasts are a lot more interesting than I would have predicted!

Overall, I absolutely love this dystopian web of secrets you have here; it's very different and extremely enchanting and pulling for you to read on. I would definitely want to read the next chapter to find out more about these amazing characters you have defined so well! 10/10.
~TGK

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review. I appreciate it lots and lots. Really, you're fabulous.

I felt it was important to get the backstory in asap, so readers have some sort of idea what is going on. There's a lot of it: Elodie and Scorpius' relationship, Draco's disappearance, Astoria's illness and the state of the wizarding world etc etc. I wanted to get the balance just right - not too much so that people don't come back for more, not too little so that people get all confused. Having Stan and the newspaper article and, to some extent, the 'will you marry me's helped with this balance.

Aah, description. The bane of my existence. Too much? Too little? Too much backstory? Too little backstory? It was hard getting the tone right though and I had real problems with thinking that people would just get bored and skip the big chunks, possibly missing key points.

For Scorpius and Elodie, I was going for a Pip and Estella, as well as - a far less intellectual parallel though - Chuck and Blair from Gossip Girl. Scor and Elodie once loved each other, but now fight and fight and cause each other so much pain that in end they realise it isn't worth it, and after the slight burst of euphoria/adrenalin at the other's pain, they just feel bad because they desire each other/are attracted to one another.

Albus was more difficult to characterise, simply because there are so many versions of him out there that I didn't want to fall into the trap of making him a massive cliche. He IS in Slytherin, which I know quite of people do, so I used the relationship with Arthur to make him more realistic and believable - lots of people can relate to relationship with grandparents that have passed away. In a way, I wanted him to be completely alone - something he could relate to Scorpius with, that and the whole hot sexy novel reading.

I was worried about POV changes, especially in omniscient third person or whatever. You have to get the balance and change just right in order for the flow to work properly. I'm so glad you think it worked though. Pace is really very slow - I'm getting a bit worried about it - I've written 20,000 words for two days in the story.

The main challenge I had with this story. I wanted to write something in third person, simply because then I could switch POVS. I know it's easier to write feelings/emotions/reactions in first person from writing my other stories, but I wanted this one to be different.

Thanks again for your lovely, lovely review. It really did make my day. :D ♥


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