I love how you have Professor Vector as the head of Slytherin! I've never seen that done before.
I really hope Al and the others can make it to try-outs. Try-outs for a Hogwarts team...seems that there's some sort of Quidditch competition with other wizarding schools. That will be exciting! I did that in one of my stories once.
Aww, Lily! She seems very sweet in this. I can't wait to read more about her and James and their interactions with Albus. Also can't wait to read more about Angela.
I haven't mentioned this before now, but I really adore how you named this Hindsight and the story focuses on the aftermath of the incident, rather than describing the incident itself. It works so well! Great chapter. :) Report Review
Ooo, now we've been introduced to Angela! I really like her so far. I especially enjoyed her commentary on Al & Scorpius's friendship.
Speaking of that, I really like the way you have developed it, at least judging from Angela's description. So many authors have them be friends from the very start of their first year (despite the unlikeliness of that, given the epilogue...but that's another rant of mine for another time...), but as far as I can tell from Angela's description, you haven't done that. Instead, they seem to have had a reluctant alliance in a competition against the rest of the school that perhaps turned into a reluctant friendship. Although, it's still hard to tell at this point. Either way, it's very interesting!
And now there are a few more details in the mystery of what is going on. Again, I love the way you're unraveling it slowly, leaving the reader wanting more. Awesome chapter! :) Report Review
Merry Christmas, Ty! This is the first of many reviews that I'll be leaving for your Secret Santa present!
What I enjoyed the most about this chapter was the fact that it jumped right into the action, without explaining what exactly was happening. It's a great way to capture the reader's attention! I immediately wanted to read on to figure out why Al & co were trying to break into the castle. The fact that you still hadn't revealed what was going on by the end of the chapter just made it all the more intriguing!
I can't wait to read on and delve deeper into the characterizations, especially Al & Scorpius.
This line- “You’ve never heard: windows of opportunity occasionally require a rock," is my favorite! So funny! Great first chapter! :) Report Review
Hi there, darling!
I actually read this directly after reading the third, but didn't want to review on my iphone. I have to say, I like it just as much the second read through!!
I love, love, love the dynamic you're setting up for James and Albus. They are obviously very different, but I think it's clear they still love each other only the way a sibling can. I think I remember my mom saying things like, 'you don't have to like your sisters all the time, but you'll always love them' haha so true.
The thoughts of Albus's that pertained to the Prefect patrolling, and that little slip in of Rose, were really neat for a few reasons. We learn more about Albus, more about how much of a thinker he is and how he does enjoy that few bits of quiet time. He's not power hungry, doesn't relish in the idea of punishing a student.. it all just went a long way to define his character.
He's clearly very clever, as it didn't take him long to figure out just what was going on. I was also happy to see him react to the invisibility cloak. Though I'm sure he's not crushed about his brother getting it, he does seem to have that, 'why did you get it and not me' attitude. Either that or he just can't believe his father gave James another way to break rules.
So Wyatt and Angela! Ahh! I'm excited to learn more about what's going on there! All I kept thinking was *how awkward* to be in that room, haha! I think you described everything happening very well, and I was giggling through that entire section.
And now I'm very anxious to not only figure out how those two got together, but why no one knows about it!
I really enjoyed this chapter!Author's Response: You totally got the sibling thing. And, yes, your mom is very wise. There's petty jealousy and head butting, but it's all wrapped up in love. They just don't always show it.
I'm glad Al's character is coming across so well, and yes, it WAS awkward! The whole thing. I was giggling writing it. More on the secrecy next chapter!
Thanks again, lovely!
I really enjoy your inside Hogwarts portrayal so far. I especially love the fact that we see the punishment meeting, and get to learn more about the boys through their actions during it. I still can't figure Scorpius out!
The Sytherin HoH was awesome. She seems incredibly appropriate and I just loved your details surrounding her office. For some reason I never gave much thought to what it would look like if the dungeons had windows, so when I began reading that section it was an 'ohh that's so cool' moment.
So there's also still school Quidditch then a regional competition as well? I'm excited to learn more about that!
Lily was adorable in this. I just wanted I hug her. She felt like such a genuine younger sister and also showed us a glimpse into Al and James's relationship.
I'm excited to continue!!Author's Response: I want that office (without the Arithmancy stuff, though). I'm so glad Vector comes across well. I had a ridiculously difficult time deciding who should be HoH for them.
Yes, two levels of Quidditch. One with travel benefits.
The scene with Lily and the next one with James were a blast for me to write. I love sibling dynamics.
Thanks for the review and I'm sorry I've been such a ghost lately. Catching up now :)
Hi there!! Finally here for the second chapter! Though I will warn you that in reviewing on my iPhone, so I apologize for any random errors ;).
I'm very curious about Angela! Not only what part shell play in the story, but her gift as well. I liked her refusal to lie but at the same time she didn't offer up every tiny detail. She didn't want to be there buy knew it was the right thing, so it seems like she's morally just but not a goody two shoes.
i'm a little bit confused still on what actually happened. I mean I understand there was a fight and all, but I'm sure i'll figure out more next chapter. Your point of view shifting was done remarkably, though! I picked up very quickly what character we were with and it didn't feel jumpy on the slightest.
I really like Scorpius in this still. I especially love the contrasting relationship between himself and Al.
I'm excited to see why happens next, m'dear!Author's Response: Autocorrect is such fun!
Angela is part catalyst, part lightning rod. Her gift means that she's seen a lot of human imperfection so she's developed a very firm view of what's right and what's wrong. That view may get a little challenged as events unfold, mostly by Mr. Potter, but that's all I can say for now.
I'm glad the shifting worked for you and I can look at making the incidents prompting the fight more clear. The point of locking the Slytherins out after curfew was to get the three veteran players suspended from the next game, which would hurt Slytherin in the cup standings. That would make up for Raveclaw's loss to Slytherin - a loss they claimed was from cheating when Al and their Seeker collided over the Snitch.
Thanks again for the lovely review, m'dear! Report Review
Oh my gosh. What an exciting first chapter!
I loved that the Ravenclaws sealed them out of the castle. I don't know why, but it is just a really funny idea. Smart bunch.
I'm learning that I'm actually a big next gen fan, so I was really excited when we got paired up! Scorpius might be my favorite so far. He doesn't seem like a replica of Draco or anything, but he still screams 'breeding' and you can tell that he's going to do what he wants, regardless.
The friendship between him and Al is something I absolutely love. They both seem, from this first chapter, very intelligent. Albus clearly has more of a regards for the rules, and the three of them really know each other. Demonstrated by Xavier, despite wanting to send Scorpius's broom back to the shed, not doing so because he knows not to cross that line.
Your writing style is so easy to get sucked into. You have a really great balance of narration and dialog, and just kept my interest the entire time. I'm excited to see what happens in chapter 2!Author's Response: Yay for next-gen fans. I haven't read a marauder fic in ages so this exchange will be good for me too.
Those Ravenclaws are a smart bunch, and they absolutely got the better of the Slytherins. Completely blindsided (too busy looking over their shoulders for Gryffindors, maybe)
Scorpius definitely has his own thing going on, and he IS the only son of an only son, so, of course. The cooperative competition between Scorpius and Al is huge in this fic so I'm very happy that friendship dynamic is coming across well.
Thanks for the lovely review!
~Ty Report Review
I am really, really intrigued by this story. From the start, you threw us into the thick of it; no tedious settting-up, no character-exposition through monologues. We were pushed immediately into a world chock-full of stuff: a million bits of information (a Hogwarts quidditch team!) a large cast of unruly subjects, established histories of rivalry and friendships. I loved that and loved how busy it kept me, having to figure out how things connect and who talks to whom. This is really mature writing, expecting the reader to do some of the work on her own, and I really appreciate that.
You're also working with a really unique story- not just in terms of the plot, but also in that you sort-of have two 'central' characters in Angie and Albus (unlike I'm reading it wrong), who are swirling towards a common scene without getting there (yet). I find Angie's portrayal incredibly interesting and new as also Albus and all of the other characters that you've set up. I like especially that each character has a defined relationship with at least two others, reminding us of the larger web of relationships (Wyatt and Angie; Lily and Dave).
Two last yays and I'm done. To the description of Professor Vector's office: yay! I'm in Slytherin on Pottermore and I could see her office fit right in with the shimmering-glassy-green of the common room there. And to putting a Slytherin-Ravenclaw rivalry at the forefront of the story: yay! I do hope that you decide to continue with this at some point. If not, thank you for a lovely beginning. And sorry about the long review!Author's Response: Hi Patroni!
Thanks for the lovely long review. I'm very happy to keep you busy, especially in a good way. And it's excellent that you don't mind doing some of the work because I think that's where the fun is (in reading and writing).
You're reading correct - Angie and Albus are the central characters. They share the stage with a lot of players in the mix, but they will carry the story. And whether they like it or not, their paths are going to cross :) I love that you mentioned the larger web of relationships. You're so right, everyone has their own circle. I'm glad that plays out well with these characters.
I had fun with Vector's office. I like to think that the living spaces of the dungeon have their own unique beauty. Haha, the rivalry! Sports really are the great equalizer, capable of bringing out the best and worst in anyone.
I am continuing, for sure. How could I not after such lovely reviews? I hope to post the next chapter soon.
~TY Report Review
Any chance of you picking this up again sometime soon? I really like where it's going, but I'm sad that there are only five chapters and it's been a while since you updated.
This is a very cool, unique story- your characters seem pretty complex and the plot is crazy awesome. That flash forward at the very beginning has me excited about what's going to happen when the story picks up momentum. And now Luna's involved! She's one of my favorite characters, and it's nice to see that she will be even just a minor character. Your original characters are great, too- Angie is interesting and I don't like Wyatt, but I feel like I sort of understand him. Al and Scorpius remind me of a probably-less-insane version of themselves from 'The Octane Generation' (an awesome fanfic which I think was sort of based on Lethal Weapon). I hope to see more soon!Author's Response: Oh, no! I missed seeing this was out there. I'm so sorry.
I'm very slow writing lately but I haven't dropped this story. Far from it. I'm actually busy tweaking its outline for better pacing. I'm so glad you like it so far. I'm truly excited about the plot myself. Playing with time -and the idea of reverse prophesy- is fun but a bit of work if you want to get it right. I hope very much to do that.
Luna's awesome. She's minor here but pivotal to the way things are going to go down. I'm so glad the characters are coming across well. Having a reader understand them is probably more important to me than liking all of them, so yay there too! I might have to go check out the Octane Generation. But then, that's likely to distract me from writing so maybe I shouldn't. That kind of thing is part of my slowness.
Your comments are awesome to hear and great encouragement. Thanks so much!
~a slow but grinning Ty Report Review
Again, great writing. Loved it, loved it, loved it.
The different POV's worked fine. Swimmingly.
I'm still insanely jealous of your blue type color.Author's Response: Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I'm glad the POV worked for you. Your reviews made my day.
~ a very happy Ty Report Review
I love this story! And I've only read the first chapter. Also, I love the chapter title. It just seemed ironic to me 'cause I just got my vision checked...that's probably not relevent at all.
Anyway, I love your writing style and the eviroment you've created so far. And the blue type that you somehow got. So jealous.
Keep it up! I'll read the next chapter now...
10/10Author's Response: Haha, I hope you got 20/20 on your exam.
Blue type is my best party trick, but I'm absolutley ecstatic you are liking the story.
Thanks so much for the lovely review!
~ Ty Report Review
I feel like this chapter has 'raised the stakes' in a few ways in this story. You have introduced two elements of foreboding, just hints at this point, that this will go far beyond Quidditch and petty house rivalries.
First, that Angie's nightmares may possibly have something to do with a Chamber/the Knights of Walpurgis is very worrying, and then there's the strange void that Angie senses. Both of these things definitely step up the level of suspense.
Secondly, I feel like you are honing in on a recurring theme of your story here, that things are not what they seem. The events of the fight, Angie's relationship with Wyatt... all of them have some hidden dimension that we can only see by looking through several characters' eyes. With your use of changing viewpoints and little time skips the reader slowly gets to see the different aspect of each event. It's very intriguing.
Again, I love how you are handling the issue of house prejudice in this story. I think it's very realistic that the members of the other houses might well be biased without being malicious.
You've really sucked me into this story, so I hope you update soon!
MottsnaveAuthor's Response: Ah, suspense! It's good for the soul.
And that's exactly it: what you see is often up for interpretation, especially if you don't have the full context ;)
I started the next chapter but have been unable to get to it for a while. I'm hoping my schedule loosens up soon. (Honestly, I can't believe it's taken this long for me to respond to your reviews. Please forgive, because your comments have been so lovely and encouraging.)
I really appreciate it, and I will strive to update soon.
~Ty Report Review
I'm back for more!
Well, I can see that Albus' and James' relationship is a bit more complicated than I thought. I love the way you've set up the contrast in their personalities, with James' driving energy and Albus' attention to detail and thoughtfulness about consequences and outcomes. I also love the little hints you've given us about James perhaps being the favored son, and Albus' jealousy. Despite these differences, there is a bond between them, otherwise why woud Albus' go along with James' plan?
In some ways their sibling relationship mirrors Albus' friendship with Scorpius.
I really appreciate the picture you've given us here about what makes a Slytherin from Albus' point of view. I think it's excellent.
MottsnaveAuthor's Response: I do see the brothers as very different, but still brothers who love each other no matter what.
Oooh, very interesting point about Albus and Scorpius.
I'm thrilled to hear the Slytherin point of view is working. It's a bit intimidating to tackle that angle, and I really wanted the story to give a balance of the perspectives on that House.
I feel so redundant, but thanks again for the lovely review.
~Ty Report Review
All right, I love Professor Vector. You've painted a portrait of a perfect head of Slytherin! She's tough and expects the best of her house, but she will still make sure that her students have every chance to get ahead.
Well, not just Professor Vector, but really for all the characters you introduce, you have a wonderful way of letting us know a lot about them without overloaded exposition. We can really get a perfect sense of their characters through the thoughts and actions of the people they interact with. So, for example, we already know a lot about Lily from the way she talks to Albus (and this is hilarious, by the way) and I already have an inkling that Albus and James don't get along so well, just from a few lines of dialogue.
Personally, I think characters are absolutely the most important part of any story, and I love the way you are handling them.
I also love the fact that you seem to be addressing house unity or the lack of it. I think that's something that was really begging for resolution in the original series.
mottsnaveAuthor's Response: I love Vector too! I had a tough time trying to figure out who should be Head of Slytherin, but she stepped right in and was quite easy to write, once I started.
I'm so excited the characters are coming off well :)
And, Lily was fun to write, definitely a contrast with her older brothers who have more in terms of competition between them.
~ a still grinning Ty Report Review
Hi, I'm back!
Well, it looks like house prejudice, particularly against Slytherin, is alive and well in post-war Hogwarts! I think you picked up on the hint of the Epilogue in canon and ran with it. I'm always very interested in seeing how different authors deal with this issue in a post-war world, so now I'm even more intrigued.
I'm also intrigued by your OC Angela. She seems very deliberate and reasoning, which I like, but also very reluctant to be involved, which means she will probably be sucked into the plot against her will, as we can already see happening here. Her gift really does seem like a double-edged sword.
Again, I think you are using suspense well by giving us the course of events in bits and pieces and letting us put them together.
MottsnaveAuthor's Response: Yes, I believe there is still a stigma, although Al may be a little too sensitive to it ;)
Angela will be pulled out of her comfort zone, for sure. Al's good that way. Once he decides he's going to figure something (or someone) out, he can be pretty determined so it should prove an interesting battle of wills.
Yay for keeping up the suspense!
Thanks again for the review.
~ a very appreciative Ty Report Review
Sorry for the long delay, but real life totally ate me for a while. Here's your long overdue review!
Since you asked about the preview at the beginning of the chapter...
In general, I think framing devices like that can be very useful. It's a way of sucking a reader into a story with a little burst of suspense and excitement, and then dropping us back into a calm and tranquil beginning with just a hint of what's to come. However, the way you have set it up here, it did throw me a little bit. First of all, I think it goes on a bit too long, and with too much detail. We do get a sense of suspense and excitement, but for me that wore off as I kept getting distracted by the background story I didn't know: who is she? Why do they have to find her? What is this arena? etc. For me, the suspense was lessened by the length of this section. I think it would serve its purpose by ending with the line "Find Potter." We have just enough at that point: a sense of danger, urgency, and desperation. As a reader, all the details that follow are kind of wasted on me because I don't have the context to have them make sense or give much emotional impact.
I would also suggest making the time difference between the two sections of this chapter a little more concrete: ie. instead of 'near the end' and 'near the beginning,' you could say 'Prologue' and 'five weeks earlier' just to give the reader something a little more concrete to hang on to.
Those would be my suggestions for the 'preview' part if you are really attached to it, but frankly, i don't think you really need it. I think a flash-forward beginning is most useful in a story when the first chapter or two might need to be tied up with backstory, everyday trivialities, or scene setting. In your story, though, you have a lovely in media res opening with an obstacle for the characters, suspense, and a little drama and humor. I think you could easily work more foreshadowing into this section (with phrases along the lines of 'none of the three would have ever imagined that a Ravenclaw prank could lead them to a life-and-death battle' etc) if you want to, but you already have something to suck the reader in. Your ending line gives us the sense of urgency and excitement that we need.The stakes might not be life or death at this point, but we still want to know what happens next.
Now, on another note, I love the way you reveal your characters to us through their interactions with each other.This is very well done. You give us a little overview of their physical appearance, but more importantly, you really SHOW us how these three get along and work together, and their respective strengths and weaknesses. Since you do this in the course of their actions solving a problem, the character building supports rather than slowing down the story. This is excellent!
Lovely beginning, I'm off to check out the next chapter!
MottsnaveAuthor's Response: Hi Mottsnave!
Wow, your comments are great and very helpful. I was wavering on what to do with the beginning but I think you've convinced me that I don't need it (not to mention improved my confidence with the scene involving the prank being enough to propel the story on its own). I can't thank you enough :)
I'm thrilled that you like the characterization. I'm grinning huge at that.
Thanks so much for the lovely review!
~Ty Report Review
Last official review exchange review!
Ok, so I wrote last time that I think the summary needed to be changed to reflect Albus' role in the story. And I stand by that statement, but after this chapter. I think that the summary should go back to reflecting both of their roles like it used to, but in a more cohesive way. Something along the lines of adding one more sentence about Albus at the end? Idk, if I think of something more effective I'll let you know haha. Maybe some of the stakes and repercussions could be hinted at as well. Like add some of that mystery and darkness into the mix? It's up to you :)
Anyways, this chapter was quite revealing in terms of Angela's character. I see that her and Wyatt aren't what I thought they were. Again, you through me a curveball (love it, don't worry haha). It seems like a very interesting dynamic indeed. Also, her lack of seeing the invisibility cloak was the perfect detail to show the dynamics of her magical ability. This ability is something to be applauded for because never in my many years of reading fanfic have I ever come across something like this. I think this power is more than possible, while rare, but it's interesting because it's not like some super power. Or you don't make it out to be, but as we saw earlier it does have it's uses and negatives as well. You can definitely tell that you thought this out and everything is very thorough thus far in terms of your plot development, characterizations, and everything else.
Besides the minor missing punctuation or confusing wording, Hindsight is a solid piece of fanfiction! I'm excited and curious to see where you go with this story in general. I assume there's going to be a lot more curveballs and a lot more Quidditch and inner house conflict. I'm wondering how we get to the end and I think you've done some great things so far in this fic, keep it up! Originality and diction 10/10!
(Slytherin)Author's Response: Thanks again, Ellie, you're truly lovely for reviewing all the chapters!
Wyatt and Angie definitely have their own dynamic. Easy now, but it will get complicated once Albus hits the picture ;)
I'm doing a happy dance hearing that you got the fact Angela was experiencing the Invisibility Cloak on her exit (so worried about keeping the visions from coming across as purple or just not right). Can't tell you how good it is to hear that the details of her gift/curse are coming across well.
~Ty Report Review
The fourth installment, onto the review!
'The sooner they could confirm Wyatt wasn't plotting the downfall of all things Potter, the sooner they could focus on the real issue' -missing period here.
Angie and Wyatt? Oh goodness, what a twist! I wonder if she's playing the Ravenclaw's for fools or if she actually likes Wyatt. Maybe she helped get his captainship back or to get certain people on the Hogwarts team? Why would she even care to defend Albus then? Oh man, the theories are running rampant in my head!
I don't have much to critique right now haha. But I do have to say that, and maybe this is harsh, you should tweak your summary and banner. When I look at the banner, it doesn't draw me in as much as it could because it's too bright and doesn't cover the depths of where this story appears to be going with all the deceit and mischief. Also, the summary appears to be from Angela's POV, but she's only had a few showing. The main person is clearly Albus in my opinion and I think the summary should reflect that better. That way, you can pull more people into your story -because your story definitely deserves some more loving! These are obviously just my suggestions, take them with a grain of salt. Especially since you made the banner and I don't mean to offend you at all, it's just that it doesn't reflect the essence of the story that I've read thus far. Sorry :/
Anywho, more development all around. I'm growing fonder of Albus. And James is a complete riot. I love Albus' relationsihp with James. It's clear that James gets away with much more than Albus does and is rewarded for it. Love that he wanted James to try being a Slytherin for one day. The off-handed mention of Rose was great too.
Overall, I'm clearly curious and anticipating the next chapter and the rest of the story when it gets posted up :) I find myself more than once thinking one thing was going to happen when it didn't and I really like this unexpected element to our story. The writing was fab as always ;) Next!
(Slytherin)Author's Response: Rampant theories are excellent! My summaries, not so much. I'm trying. I appreciate the help and I'm way behind on even responding to your lovely reviews much less doing something about it, but I'll get there.
I'm super excited that Albus and his interactions are coming off well. The sibling scenes were fun to write, having much love-you-but-seriously-go-away-you're-annoying-me experience with my own siblings :0.
I hope to keep up the anticipation and the unexpected as we go along. Lots planned!!
Thanks again for the excellent review.
~a very appreciative Ty Report Review
Oh, a jump in time here. Raising the suspense, very nice. Lol, spit-polished and nerve wracked. Poor boys. I'm sure Angela helped them out *hopes and continues to read*
'"Anything from the clinger?" Xavier asked Al, who didn't take exception to what his friends called his girlfriend and merely shook his head.' -take exception? I think I understand that he accepts the nickname she's been given, but the phrasing is somewhat awkward/ murky.
(Side note: and apparently I meant brother, not sister of Oscar lol. Don't know why I thought it was a sister, maybe the reference of Lily and girl? Idk, my bad either way.)
I'm glad they got off easy and I'm curious about this Hogwarts, Durmstrang, and others(?) Quidditch cup thing. Nice addition to the storyline. Btw, Vector is a beast! She's very believable and awesome. Slightly reminds me of McGonagall with her love of her house and punishment process. The details about her office were fantastic and beautiful! For once the dungeons aren't completely bleak and foreboding. I wonder if this was added in the reconstruction...
' red hair piled in a ponytail that bore every indication of having had the life twirled out of it while she waited' -LOL. Adorable Lily.
Oh lala, *that look*...off to the next chapter! Sorry lousy review this time because I want to read more haha. There is a lot of fantastic development here and lovely characterization and diction (as always).
(Slytherin)Author's Response: Yep, time to face the music :) Oh, no, murkey's not good. I'll have to take a look at my own idioms sneaking in there.
Haha, yeah, Lily's got herself a boy pal.
I'm glad you like Vector. I wavered over creating a new character or using a known Professor for Slytherin Head of House, but given her love of difficult homework, I Thought Vector fit (hated by some, only appreciated by those like Hermoine). I figure Hogwarts is always evolving so maybe the office did exist before or maybe the space appeared to suit her needs. I'm so glad you liked the description there. I wanted to make the dungeons seem real and no House would be located there without some balance to make it livable.
Thanks for the lovely review!
~Ty Report Review
Second chapter, 0 reviews? Let's change this immediately; your writing skill level deserves reviews!
Whole school would rather think anything than admit Slytherin had the better team. -The whole school...
After this line, I think I'm halfway into the chapter. I have to admit that the tension is mounting and I'm enjoying all the little histories between the characters and their roles in the school and in the fight. However, all the POV flips and mention of new characters I must admit are confusing me a bit.
While this is a face-paced chapter, and should be I think, maybe there needs to be a time out where the reader can make sense of all the new information being thrown at them. We have to rap our heads around at least 10 new people and their roles in Hogwarts/the fight/etc. Also, at the end you mention the POV switches...to me, it did come across as head hopping. It's all necessary I think to get the story across, but at the same time, for the second chapter it was a lot to take in :/
As for the storyline itself, I'm quite curious about Angela's role and where this is going. The consequences seem so high for a fight in the hall past curfew, but I like this element. It seems like Hogwarts has repaired itself and that punishments aren't missing (like they are in most stories). There are repercussions and the politician Headmistress makes sense for this role. The inner house conflicts mixed in with the school's house clashing is well done. Hard to wrap my head around at this point, especially with some random Gyffindor girl being tossed into the mix at the end (ok, she's the younger sister of Oscar, but still I wonder where are you going with this and what her role is? Lol)
Other comments: I still like your nonchalant Scorpius haha. Your writing style and diction are (still) exquisite! And *swoon* Neville...that's all, next chapter!
(Slytherin)Author's Response: Thanks for brightening my lonely chapter :)
My thought for this chapter was to have Angela's decision to get involved be real time happening while Albus and crew faced the consequences of the curfew violation and the resulting altercation the following day. I want immediacy but not confusion. :0 Thanks for the feedback, I'll look at how I can give the reader some time without slowing the pace or diffusing the tension. Or playing Davey off as a girl :)
I grinning that you like the writing style. and yes, Neville's a sweetie.
~Ty Report Review
Ello ty! After about two months of not completing these, I wanted to finally review all of your chapters from Hindsight! I'm terribly sorry about the wait; between being in Europe for a month and being the slowest person ever, I failed at reviews XD So sorry! Hope the quality make up for the slowness!
Since I last visited your page to start your reviews, I see that you've changed the summary. This one is much better, aka less confusing. I'm ready to see how it plays out in your story.
Hmm I'm sure I understand why the first male character thinks he's going to be disowned...because he keeps running into pursuers? I don't think that's his fault lol.
Lol, hilt of his wand? Interesting sword reference :P
Okay, as far as the first part of the chapter goes I really enjoyed the suspense and mystery surrounding just about everything. This snippet shows the readers where you are going to go with the story and gives them something to always look forward to -an epic battle at the end. Nice tactic here.
The one thing I found myself tripping over was the narration. I had to read this section twice to get it. Did it switch from Scorpius to Albus after this line: 'Al sprang forward. "Wrong side!"' because it seemed like it did to me because of the shift in how the narrator seemed to feel about the OC. Idk, it was an awkward transition.
'facing off over the low manicured bushes bordering the base of the Training Grounds Tower' -facing off over? I don't understand what the visual is here, sorry lol.
Very nice parallel with that second half of the first chapter. The circular patterns were nice touches as well, with the class and being on the wrong side. I think I'm going to love your Scorpius, given his qualities so far. Very Slytherin of him. I like that Albus is with him as a Slytherin. I prefer Albus as Slytherin since it's a nice way to show that they aren't all evil :P
Overall, you have such a crisp language and excellent diction. I can tell that you read a lot and know exactly how you want to use words to get your point across. Especially with the description in the first segment, that was very precise and visually stimulating! :) I'm curious to see how and where the OC falls into this story. Also, with the arena I wasn't thinking a Quidditch stadium, but now I am. Wonder how the characters end up in such a bad predicament in the end. Onto the next chapter!
(Slytherin)Author's Response: I was a little worried the story scared you away :0 but truly no worries about your being busy. Real life needs to come first. Thanks so much for returning when you had the time! I'm beyond thrilled that you've reviewed the whole story. Argh, the summary. Thanks for the suggestions there. I think I'm genre stupid. I never know how to peg my stories. The plots and the characters are so vivid to me, but the translation to how they sum up in a nutshell escapes me. I'm working on it ;-)
Haha! Wands, swords -you wave them around- what's the difference? :P
Completely missed the Scorp/Al switch so thanks for pointing that out. I'll get that fixed up. I'm glad you like Scorpius (that's good to hear, especially coming from a Slytherin). He and Al are very different but both -in their own way- very true to the qualities that put them in that house.
As for the underground arena, it's not exactly Quidditch they're playing there. All I'm saying.
~Ty Report Review
Starting off: the banner is interesting---you've got everything expected; attractive main characters, angst apparent and a quote as well, which I presume to be the motif behind at least the first chapter. The tagline does draw interest, but I was more interested in your first sentence of the summary. Twice I missed the 'a' while reading it and found myself hopelessly confused. After a few more reads I understand much better now. I'm not sure what to make of the summary as a whole. It's like a frayed carpet rug. It sounds like there's a lot going on---or like a lot of smoke and mirrors. But my opening impression is interested, and that's all that matters.
Onto the story, I thank you for defining hindsight. I have never looked it up, so I suppose this has saved me both time and effort. I like the bolded title words as the top. I'm a fan of successful congruencies, and the repeated 'far' warms me to your story---I'm shallow, I know.
Besides feeling utterly thrown into the mix with less than my eyes opened to what could be going on, the language in the first few paragraphs flows very nicely, I especially like the sentence that starts with "Raising no higher than a sprinter's..." but not the sentence after that. It does well in telling very mundane things in an offbeat way, I'll give it that. 'Waiting for half a dozen's heartbeat' is imaginative compared to the usual alternative: 'Waiting for a moment'--but two simple phrases make the sentence sound jagged (especially aloud) "Waiting for a half a dozen"--it's the 'a' that rumples the sentence, no matter how grammatically correct it could be considered. Repeated articles is a no-no in my book. Also, trying to follow "as the sound of more rock shifted and tumbled"--it's beautiful sometimes and then again it isn't. When I read it I read it without 'more' I like it. I read it with 'more' intact and I start wondering about the rocks that shifted and tumbled first. I think (on a tangent of course) about what relation they might have, and why we are looking at the 'more' rock and not the rock without the 'more' and start trying to reconcile all the riddles and foreshadowing in everything up until now. But that's just me, and I'm pretty sure I'm an oddity here.
A vague antecedent is the only thing that strikes me as off about the last sentence, which is the 'his pursuer' before 'crushed him'---nearly crushed who is the only question I've got? Him or his pursuer? (And who is he?)
Not a fan of his thoughts---he's worrying about being disowned? Well, all in all that tells me what kind of character he is: must be a Slytherin. Focused on status and family, focused on himself and his position. Possible flaws in the character right? In which case kudos in showing so much about the character in so little time, but I don't like the character much yet.
Slytherins are hard to like.
"He stilled everything but his grasps for breath"? Did he do something to the walls to stop them from crumbling? Are they still crumbling---I'm still playing catch up with the tense the story is in. My only option is to assume he's just stopped moving but can't help breathing rapidly for all his running---right?
About halfway through I can see you love language. The extended sentences describing mundane details are in fact fun to read---like the bit about him putting the wand in the pocket closest to his beating heart. It's like from the mind of the poet---but I don't have the time to appreciate it yet. I have no clue what's going on.
I feel like they're in a coliseum running from ghoulies. But, again, I'm interested. The final moments of the flashback have me even more interested. I think that they're going through the glass of the observation deck directly (falling from a great height, right?) instead of going down some set of unseen steps like Al wants to, but I fear I could be missing something. You're language is langourous, bouncing along as if on clouds, and I enjoy the ride. But with this action---with your disinterest in giving too much away (rightly so, you never want to show too much)---I'm having to reread sentences and paragraphs multiple times to make sure I've gotten everything.
In contrast, your writing language does absolute wonders for the second part of your chapter. I want popcorn for it! I want to show my friends! (Besides the slightly occassional unnecessary extra word---something I know I'll never be able to rid myself of forever) This second part is an absolute joy to read. I haven't much to say about that, other than the fact that you've inspired me to take closer looks to my own writing to see what I can fluff up with beautiful use of language.
Overall I like the story, and ignoring the beginning, which from where I'm sitting is a 50/50 necessity, I would definitely be willing to read more.
BinxAuthor's Response: Holy hippogriffs, are you thorough! I don't think anyone's ever commented on my articles before :o and anyone who can get that much out of a 'more' doesn't strike me as shallow. I see where you are coming from in the comments - it's so interesting to hear words you've written through someone else's interpretation.
Uggh, I struggle with summaries, as a matter of fact I'm updating the summary for my other story. I suppose I'll re-work this one as well. I tend to the obscure which probably accounts for the smoke and mirror vibe. I might be better off simply saying she's a seer who only sees the past and you wouldn't believe what a mess that can get her in ;) I'm glad you found it interesting, but no one should have to work too hard deciphering a summary.
I'm actually pleased to hear your take on Scorpius' thoughts. He is Slytherin (so is Al, but Al IS more likable- their relationship is not a best buddy friendship). Scorpius will always interpret things in light of how they effect him, but the fact that he is there does say something about their relationship. I just wasn't ready to specify whether Scorpius was coming through for Al or the girl in the time of need or simply there for ulterior motives. More smoke and mirrors, I suppose, and you're right, not wanting to give too much away makes it read so different from the rest of the story.
I'm very glad you like the second part. I'm waffling on whether I should be giving more with the opening sequence (you are correct, they break the glass to get to the girl faster) or leaving it and simply building from the incident that brings them in touch with the girl and thus on the path to the Arena. I'm now 50/50 with that too :P
Back to pondering. Thanks so much for the comments.
~Ty Report Review
I'm so glad I was able to catch this story before you had too many chapters already posted. I really like being able to read each chapter as they are posted. So, hopefully I'll be able to catch up on the other 3 chapters sometime soon.
Anyway, having not read FK yet, I'm hoping the spoilers to come won't be too bad or make me somewhat confused. However, that being said, I can't wait to read more of this. The way you started off the story was exciting if a bit confusing. For the longest while (which I'm sure this was intended) I had no idea what was going on. I could easily follow the sequence of events, but not really understand what precisely the big rush was all about. Of course, not knowing who the character was I was following was a touch annoying, but Scoripus' introduction was still done fantastically.
As for the plot, I am intrigued to find out how the beginning leads to the end we've gotten a taste of all in the same chapter. It leaves just enough mystery to force the reader to check out chapter two. Good on you!
I absolutely love that this is about Albus and Scorpius. I've a huge love for Albus, and while I'm not a huge fan of Scorpius, I am curious to see where this is going. Xavier seems like such an interesting character and I can't wait to read more about him.
Fabulously done, Ty! I can't wait to read more.
LenAuthor's Response: Hi Len!
This won't be very spoilerific. I won't even hint at the outcome of FK before it's finished, and only then, it won't be more than knowing who came out of that one becaue they happen to be at the Burrow during Holidays or the like ;-)
Haha, Scorpius annoys everybody so having him annoy you here is actually in character, but I am concerned about the start so its good to know how you reacted to it.
Thanks so much for the review!
~Ty Report Review
Hey, Ty! I've finally gotten around to reviewing your story. :)
You have a really interesting plot coming along. I like the personalities you have given Al and Scorpius. I also think you have done a good job with Xavier. His name and character is original, a name I think JKR could have created herself.
You started the story off well. It was gripping, and I was intrigued to read what was going on. The way you introduced some aspects of the characters was brilliant. With comparing Al's expression with his hair. That was a clever way of doing that.
The flow was wonderful. I loved the actions interspersed with the thoughts. When Scorpius thought of being disowned, I found that a nice addition. You did so well with this, Ty, and I cant wait to read further!
I will get around to the next chapter as soon as I have emptied out my queue. :)
X. DrueAuthor's Response: Hi Drue!
Thanks so much for the lovely review. I'm so glad you are liking the characters. Haha - Spinks is actually very JKR. I read somewhere that Draco was Spinks rather than Malfoy in a early draft. That random fact stuck with me for some reason.
I'm relieved that you think the flow works. I'm trying to stick with very succinct chapters for this fic. Its a challenge for me ;) That was even more of a concern with the action in the beginning of the chapter since I couldn't give too, too much away.
I would love it if you were able to continue. I really appreciate your comments!
~Ty Report Review
Wow! What a wonderful, original story you have created! I'm shocked that more people haven't reviewed your story because it is absolutely amazing. All of the characters have well-developed, interesting personalities - I especially enjoy the way you characterized Al and hearing the thoughts in his head. The plot of your story is extremely intriguing and interesting as well. The first chapter or two was slightly confusing due to all of the different times/events, but the last two chapters were much easier to follow. I can't wait to learn more about Angie and her ability and to see what happens next! Keep up the wonderful work!Author's Response: Thanks!
I'm very excited about the concept for the story so its great to hear that you're liking it too. Al has been great fun to write. I enjoy how he thinks :)
I took a chance starting smack in the middle of the big confrontation. I'm done playing with time-lines now. We'll be moving forward from here on out.
Lots of Angie in the next chapter.
Take care and thanks so much for reviewing!
~Ty Report Review
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