Really great story, aside from Behind The Closet I think this is the best work you written. Or at least the one I like most.
I almost fell out of my chair when I read: Status: Abandoned.
Would you ever consider picking this up again... please?Author's Response: Oh, yeah I totally forgot that I changed the status to abandoned since no one was reading it here. I have 3 chapters up at FF net. You can look it up (or PM me at the forums if you need the link), but I have not updated it there in a long time either. My readers are getting mad at me. :( Report Review
Of course you leave it there so that I am forced to go find it on fanfiction(dot) net. Of course. Lol but I will, believe you me. I will.Author's Response: ^^ Thanks for reading. :) Report Review
Hi...ravenclaw_princess from the forums. This is the first femmeslash I've read so totoally new territory for me.
You have made a good start to the story. You have introduced the characters well and given a little bit of back ground on how they got to where the are, but yet have left a lot of unknowns. I also love the cliff hanger at the end and I was a little disappointed to not be able to click on the next chapter button.
In terms of grammar, I didn't notice anything major. There may be a few small errors that I didn't pick up, but over all, it read well.
I like the characterisation so far. They are very contrasting form the overly flirty and assertive Astoria to the unsure Hermione. Hermione's internal thoughts are really good and conveying her inner thoughts and turmoil. There dialogue flows well and their actions are nicely described to emphasise their emotions.
The one thing I did note was that I thought your summary was a little confusing and could be worded better. I actually think that the chapter summary is better and is more alluring. I think a shorter version of the chapter summary would actually work better.
The story flowed well through out and the pace seemed pretty spot on. So over all this was quite a really good prologue and is also quite intriguing...you definitely left me wanting to know more. If you want me to review any further chapters, repost in my thread, just a link will be fine, you don't need to fill out the whole form again.Author's Response: Hello ravenclaw_princess! Cool - That was quite a review. Thanks so much! Yeah, well, about the summary... this chapter's summary was originally my summary until a staffer PM'ed and reminded me that story summaries should stay 12+ (my bad! -_-), so I changed it. I think once I've posted the next chapter you'll see that my new summary actually fits better. :) I'm glad you liked it so far, and don't worry, this story won't have any scenes that would make anyone (including me) uncomfortable. ^^ So, even a newbie in reading Fslash will find it, er... acceptable? ^^ Will definitely request another review from you soon once the next chapter is up. :) Ciao! Report Review
OK, becasue you are one of my favorite Feemeslash writers, and I had no clue you were even writing agian, I HAD to read yours first. (I know, I'm not supposed to choose favorites, but I'm sorry. Couldn't help it. :P )
I love it. You definitely do try with the humor and it's working. Especially with the way Hermione thinks and the way Astoria plays around and teases her. I'm already anxious to read more.
Definitely ask for another review when your next chapter is up and come to me with reviews on ANY story. You know I'll read it.
♥ DracoMuggleLuver_01Author's Response: *w00t* Thanks so much, hun! :) I'm glad to hear that I'm (one of) your favorite Femmeslash writer/s. hehehe *hugs* :o)
So the humor and light-heartedness I was trying to convey in this story did work, after all. Yay. :D
Will surely request another review again from you soon. :D :D :D Report Review
A cliffhanger! You certainly know how to keep a person reading. I was going to immediately read the next chapter and find out what Astoria did to make Hermione change her opinion when I realized it was only one chapter. I was disappointed that I couldn't read on, so well done. :)
I like this side of Hermione that you displayed. She's a little unsure of herself, a little awkward...and it balances really well with Astoria's overzealous, attention-seeking personality. Where Astoria oozes confidence and vixen-ish behavior, Hermione is a little more timid - cautious. I like that in comparison to Astoria, who looks to be a force to be reckoned with, Hermione is no longer the confident one. She's a little more human now.
No errors really stood out to me, aside from a couple of run-on sentences. For example:
But what they would never know is that behind all the ‘hot scenes’ between Astoria and I lies coldness, in fact it’s nothing more than just some innocent show, except for a little smooching.
To edit that, I would do:
But what they would never know is that behind all the ‘hot scenes’ between Astoria and I, there lies coldness. In fact, it’s nothing more than just some innocent show, except for a little smooching.
I also changed "between Astoria and I lies coldness" to "between Astoria and I, there lies coldness." In my opinion, it flows a little more smoothly.
As for your summary, I actually think what you put in your prologue summary would be great: Half the males of Hogwarts would sell their souls to the dementors in Azkaban just to see us in live action between the sheets, while part of them would’ve given anything only to join us, and the rest would wish to be in my position.
The only thing I would change with this is the last sentence - I would take the comma out and have 'And the rest would wish to be in my position' as its own sentence, on a new line, for added emphasis. Like this:
Half the males of Hogwarts would sell their souls to the dementors in Azkaban just to see us in live action between the sheets, while part of them would’ve given anything only to join us.
And the rest would wish to be in my position.
People who like femmeslash would be immediately drawn to this when reading it in your banner summary. It has spark to it, and is a little more clear. The summary you already have is great, but it sort of gives the vibe that the reader might be a little confused if they didn't read What a Wicked Game You Play. Since you explained well enough in your prologue about the situation between Hermione and Astoria, that is not the case. However, at first glance with your summary, that might put people off if they think they need to go read something else first.
~Toujours PadfootAuthor's Response: Thank you, Toujours Padfoot! I didn't expect such a quick response. And a positive one, no less. But I wouldn't have minded a harsh critic, either, as I've mentioned in my request form. hehe :)
Your review was really helpful. Really. I appreciate it and thank you for that. I like your suggestions and changed those few errors right away. :) And it does flow smoothly now. You're right. :)
I'm not really confident when writing summaries, but I'm glad that the one I already have is just fine. Yeah, this is the spin-off version of WAWGYP, but it can be understood without having read the longer version, as stated in my A/N. Hopefully, people will read that. hehehe :)
Again, thank you!
very well written :) ... rather different story but good all the same, well doneAuthor's Response: Thank you! :) Hope, you read the next chapter, too. :D Report Review
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