Linds!! So so SO sorry for my MIA! I read this chapter as soon as it got published but never got around to reviewing until now. I could blame the usual suspects (University) but I'll spare you the excuses and get right down to it.
THE TWIST!! Oh man, I did not see that coming about Charles. Sneaky, Linds, real sneaky. I mean, woah. Of all the things... It could have been that he's getting married or has a secret love child or something but no, you just had to give him an incurable disease. All I can say is... BRILLIANT! Wow wow wow. I think I literally gasped aloud when I came to the big reveal. I've never read it in any other fic so I applaud you for tackling such a controversial subject and am excited and anxious to see what else you do with it.
Not that that pales everything else in comparison. On the contrary, the other big reveal was also nicely executed, namely the big blowout between Lily and Bree. When you first told me about it, I honestly didn't quite understand why Lily would get so upset over it. Then something quite similar happened to me and then I got it. I do like the conflict between them and am quite curious to see how it affects the rest of the group in terms of friendship dynamics. Who will be loyal to who? What alliances will be formed? that kind of thing. I think it would be really interesting to explore that further.
I love the layers of complexity you're giving this story and the sense of realism and imperfections of life that you managed to capture. There's something very adult about it that makes it stand out. I eagerly await the next chapter, do update soon!
~MistyAuthor's Response: MISTY!
I can't yell at you because I'm slowly becoming more and more MIA due to two jobs, University, a love life (:D), and trying to get ahead for some potential study abroad within the next two semesters!! All very much exciting!
Anyway, my story...hahaha. I have not updated this bad boy in a while because I'm having issues translating some of the scenes that I need to include in the next chapter. I'm really glad you like the twist; Charles is going to be a BIG character for the next couple of chapters but that's all I can say ;). Its a complicated issue.
Lily and Bree is a dynamic that is based on real life unfortunately but it won't work out (or rather not work out at all) like it has in real life with some of my friends. It'll be a definitely interesting dynamic in how the girls interact; with so many things going on, it becomes a question of how important the group is as a whole versus individual friendships. I'm really excited about it. Thanks Mist. Love and miss you as always!
Linds Report Review
Mucho apologies for the über-late reply. But I knew I had to rush over here once I saw the absolutely lovely review you left for me. =D
So I'm remembering back to when I first read this, my favourite part had to be the end, the big reveal about Cass and Charles. You sneaky girl, I like how little you actually revealed. It somehow made it all the more dramatic and perfectly fits why Cass is the way she is. I'd probably be the same if it had happened to me. Not depressed but totally bitter and super pissed off. It made me like her even more :).
Argh, Albus is so sweet he's giving me a toothache xD. To be honest, I'm a bit on the fence with your characterization of him. On one hand, he's so mushy and loving and whatnot, but on the other hand, it seems like he's rushing the relationship with Bree when it seems like she isn't really all that ready. Moving in together, telling Lily.. He strikes me as being the pushy type, in that he likes Bree so much, he wants to rush it as fast as possible. That may or may not be what you're going for, I'm not quite sure. Don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing it. It's an interesting direction to take and I look forward to seeing how goes his relationship with Bree.
Ahh, you know my thoughts on Kaelyn/Nicholas ;). So sweet/cute! I hope it works out though I wouldn't complain if there were a few bumps on the road. Every relationships need them in order to get stronger. But aww, I wanted to give her a hug when she wondered out loud to Lily whether she wasn't sure she was happy or not. Reading the I.G.L.O.O acronym still makes me smile =).
I think this chapter nicely builds on the previous chapter's foundation by setting up some potential future storylines. Thanks for another shout-out, very blush-inducing. I shall get to the next chapter soon!
~MistyAuthor's Response: Misty!
AGH, well thank you Mist!! It was a lovely story to read. And I love to just leave you reviews. We always have such a good time talking through them.
I'm so glad that you like the subtle nature I reveal Cass. She in my mind is one of the most realistic characters I've ever written. I really like her and enjoy writing about her. She reaches for a vulnerability and expresses it in ways that I do as well.
Albus is meant to be in that honeymoon period of the relationship; he's so caught up in how good it can be that he fails to realize certain truths about the whole relationshp and how Bree feels about the entire thing. It is an interesting take I imagine.
I do love Kaelyn/Nicholas and I know that you will continue to enjoy them because I know I'm enjoying writing about it.
I LOVE YOU MISTY!! Very, very much.
Lindsey Report Review
wow, I really liked this chapter. But it left some lose ends from the second chapter. Like what did Amelia and her co-worker talk about? Her relationship and moving forward, cause that should so happen to her.
Also, Lily should be happy for her friend even if she didn't tell, friendship is bigger then that. Hopefully Lily will get over herself and she is probley just sore because she doesn't have a guy anymore.
I like how they all came together for Cass. Poor her. What happens next ?Author's Response: Don't worry; in time, the loose ends will be met. There are some plot themes that will continue through the rest of the story.
And I dunno if Amelia will stay with Mirach or not.
I'm glad to know your opinion. It makes me happy to know that you are getting into the story! Report Review
I love this story alot. and it's not that hard to read really and understand each character. i love then ending of this chapter. we finally find out cass little fling well almost marriage. i was kind of wondering her story while we heard the others, nice job. What's next for them?Author's Response: I'm glad for your review. And I hope that you continue to read as the plot developments.
LMW Report Review
I found this chapter a lot easier to follow that the first. The pace was slightly slower which I liked as it didn't get so confusing. At this stage we are still learning so much about the characters that sometimes it can feel like information over load.
The flow of the story is gnerally ok, but it feels sometimes a bit broken up as you flick between the different characters quite a number of times. In a way it's like a getting a snap shot of each person individually but the linking of the snap shots isn't always smooth so it starts to feel like multiple stories in one, rather than multiple themes weaving together into one story.
While reading this through, there were points where I just coudn't remember who did what, but there were subtle hints to remind me which was good. The only time I was confused was with Amelia. I got that she was a workaholic but I just can't recall what she does or anything.
I like all the characters and they all have unique personalities which are developing well. You have created really intereting histories for all of them and your creativity is amazing.
Grammaticcally I didn't notice anything.
Overall, well done on the second chapter. It was much easier to follow and you started to bring in alot of the issues that the characters are going to deal with through out the story. And once again, I'll be happy to review your next chapter for you.Author's Response: Hey there ravenclaw_princess,
Thanks so much for coming over to review the second chapter! Your first review was so helpful so I'd thought that come by to ask you again :D
I'm glad that you liked the pace of this chapter; a couple of reviewers have complained about it, saying they liked the fast paced nature of the first chapter so I guess you can't please everybody. For the most part, I'm just trying to lay out plot and give all characters equal voice time. Or semi-close to equal voice time.
Mmkkay, I'll see what I can do about weaving instead of stacatto snap shots throughout the story. Thanks for being honest about that.
And Amelia will have a definite more major plot line in coming chapters. I will hopefully make them clearer.
Thanks so much for the compliments! These girls have all had disctinct voices in my mind for a while and it means a lot to me to make them individual and have interesting backgrounds.
Thanks so much!!
LMW Report Review
Hi! Lily with your review(:
I like it. It's comepletely new and I love your characters. They are amazing. The first chapter was so full of stuff, and it felt to me as if the second chapter slowed down ait. I love the fact that your characters all have their own personality and your OCs are really good.
Anyway, great story!
~LilyFireAuthor's Response: Yeah, I'm so glad you like the characters. And chapter two slowed down a bit to set up things for chapter three and to build up some conflict.
I hope that you will continue to read; I'll be sure to request you again!
LMW Report Review
This chapter wasn't bad, though I did feel like it was slowing down a little bit. I realize that a lot of things did happen and that you do have to set up a lot of stuff, but try to start moving things along soon.
I like that the girls aren't all in one house. I was a little bit surprised that Amelia was in Slytherin, but that makes sense with her personality mostly. What houses were the other girls in? I'd guess Kaelyn in Ravenclaw, Cass in Hufflepuff and the other two in Gryffindor. But I'm not sure about all that. :)
The spelling and grammar looked good in this chapter. :)
Feel free to request more reviews once you have more posted!
I am interested to see where you take this story next.Author's Response: I understand that you think its going slower but I'm setting up for more things to come. I'm in the works with chapter three and its a doozy. But thats all I'm going to say :).
And you are right. Amelia is a Slytherin; Kaelyn was a Ravenclaw and I mentioned that Cass was a Puff. And Lily and Bree were Gryffindors hence why they will be the closest. Wow thanks so much.
And I'll be sure to post when chapter three is up :). Thanks again!! Report Review
Hi, here for your review!
First off, all I can say is wow- you introduce a whole cast of characters in this chapter. Normally, I would be totally confused about who's who, but you managed to give each character a voice and a distinct personality so I could keep them apart. I was a little skeptical at first, as to how you would manage so many narrators, but you did just fine. :)
I really like the style you're writing in as well. Though the story is just starting, I like the conversational, but not too informal tone. It works with the subject material and the premise.
I enjoyed the little details about every one of the women that you added. Already, they seem like real people, which can be hard, since all but Lily are OCs.
Mostly the spelling and grammar was good. There were a few awkward sentences, but not too many. One thing I did notice was that you kept calling Ginny "Ginny Potter." Once you establish that she is indeed Ginny Potter, you can drop the last name, calling her just Ginny or "lily's mum" or something like that. One more thing in this sentence: "“We just past my apartment.”" It should be "passed" not "past."
Overall, you did a great job with this chapter. I'm hooked: I can't wait to read more.Author's Response: Hi there.
Wow thanks for the major compliments! I have all these voices demanding attention and I had to write there girls down. I'm so glad that you liked them all.
And I'm curious to know who is your favorite and the OCs can be some of the best to write about and with. Thanks for the pointers.
I'm glad you want to read more.
LMW Report Review
Hi! Mintleaf here with your review :)
In the second section of your first chapter you've mentioned a telephone being used at the Ministry, but I thought wizards didn't seem to use telephones? Remember how Ron and Arthur didn't know how to use them (some of my favourite bits of the books haha)!
I've noticed the use of phones again, and i just feel with that inclusion it feels more sex and the city than Harry Potter haha.
I think the whole situation with Bree and Al was sprung on a little fast and unrealistically.
I particularly enjoy Kaelyn's character, she seems very real! :)
Sometimes with your dialogue, it's a spot confusing to tell who's talking, just because there's so many people!
I really like that each little section of your chapters switches focus; I've always been a fan of things written in that style.
All-in-all this was very pleasant and light hearted. Your grammar and readability are fine! Your characterization at the moment seems good but I always worry when stories have so man main characters. I hope they'll all keep it up! :) Definitely two solid chapters, good work! :DAuthor's Response: Hi Mintleaf,
Thanks for your review! Okay, the phone was a bit sex and the city, but it works later on simply because its a plot device needed. Anyway, Kaelyn works in a Ministry affliated atmosphere (IGLOO) that interacts with Muggles; hence the phone lines and computers. They keep up appearances for that sake.
Which situation are you talking about with Bree and Al?
Kaelyn is a good girl; she is definitely based off of a couple of my good friends who are very real haha ;).
At some points, the dialgoue is supposing to be overwhelming especially when the five are together. I'll go back and reread to see if there are other spots where I could make it easier to identify by adding names and such.
Thanks so much for your review. It'll be a bit tough but there are characters that are coming into play for good reasons and soon, it'll be obvious who is who and who is where ;).
Lindsey Report Review
In honour of your characters, I thought I'd greet you five times (sorry, that made more sense in my head). Anyway, I should probably start by mentioning that when I started reading this story, I didn't realize it was a Next-Gen (see a pattern? -_-'). I thought at first the Lily was Evans but yeah, I managed to suss it out once I got to Lily II's section hehe.
The major thing I like about this was that I enjoyed that this was about working girls rather than desperate girls gabbing about their love lives ala 'Sex and the City'. The vibe was there but it didn't come across as fake or annoyingly over-the-top. The glimpses into their daily work-lives were a nice touch, one I look forward to seeing more of.
I can't lie, the introductions were quite overwhelming. I know you meant to introduce them as individuals early on but it was alot to take in for a first chapter. It was only towards the end at the aftermath of the book club meeting that I got a better grasp and understanding of their personalities. My personal favourite was probably Cassie though I emphasize most with Kaelyn. I quite enjoyed Amelia's plotline of being in a stale relationship and eyeing a dangerous badboy and was intruiged by Cassie's grudge. Bree's secret relationship with Albus was quite the twist that I'm looking forward to its implications. One small nitpick I have though is that you keep switching between addressing Amelia as Amelia and Mia. I didn't have any problems differentiating but it is a bit jarring and could disrupted the flow. A suggestion would be to alternate the name in dialogue (depending on the person) but stick to one name in the normal text. It's still too early for me to comment too much on characterization but so far, you've got a good foundation for all of them. I was trying to match each character to the ones on the banner and here's what I managed to deduce. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong:
Control Freak: Amelia
Secret Keeper: Bree
Tough Cookie: Cassie
The biggest critique I could give you is dialogue. Most of it was good but there were certain parts that came across as forced and stilted and wasn't as naturally phrased as it should've been. But it's nothing more proofreading or a beta can't fixed :).
You mentioned in your PM that you were having problems and getting stuck for the second chapter. Care to elaborate? Either here or shoot me a pm at the forums and I'll be more than happy to help in anyway I can :). Hope you found this review somewhat helpful, sorry for taking so long!
Much hugs and love,
~MistyAuthor's Response: MISTY!
-glomps- Oh, I loved the five characters in honor of the five girls. Brilliant job :).
Oh and it is next-gen! Haha. Maybe I should work on my summary; I've been meaning to anyway. And I'll try to see if I can make it clearer :).
Sex and the City is not what I'm going for, at all. It is supposed to be more of five girls with real sisterhood and real lives with real issues without getting too soap opera-y. I'm hoping for the best. -fingers crossed-
I know that all of it is overwhelming but I tried to soften it a bit with the whole Pine scene. Took the suggestion about Amelia and am glad to see you like some of the characters. Yes, yes Cassie is quite the spit fire; she's definitely flawed but she is fun to write. Kaelyn definitely speaks of the self sacrificing person; some of her issues are self imposed unwilingly though. I'm not going to lie, Al/Bree are adorable. It's a twist I love.
You got all the characters right ;). And thanks for the suggestion, love. You've been credited and I'm so thankful for your help.
All my love,
Lindsey Report Review
Ok so first off I'd just like to say, that I thought this was absolutely amazing! I really can't wait to see where it's going, it's entertaining and interesting and looks like it's going to be a really interesting novel!
It can be really difficult to do a good first chapter but I think this is a really good length and gives a good insight without going back and spending ages filling us in on everything.
I will definitely be checking back!
(Sorry it took so long to reply to your request!)Author's Response: Wow thanks so much. It was such an awesome review that I couldn't help but smile when I read it. And I definitely don't mind the wait. Thank you so much for just coming and reading!!
LMW Report Review
Hi...ravenclaw_princess from the forums, reviewing as requested.
You have a very original story here and it was a really refreshing read. The characters are well developed and they all have such varying personalities and lives. There seems to have been a lot of thought put into them and I commend you on that.
I did feel a little overwhelmed at the beginning of the chapter. There were just so many characters being introduced that i got a little lost in it all. It started to settle down at the end, but it was still a lot to grapple for a first chapter. It's also because each section is quite short so the mind has to jump all over the place. In future chapters, I would consider lengthening the sections a bit. It would add a bit more of a flow to the story as it wont be broken up too much.
Grammatically, I didn't notice too many errors, so well done.
I'm interested to see where this story is going. There is a lot happening and a lot that could happen. You've made a good start and have some really interesting characters and plot points (Al and Bree being my favourite).Author's Response: Hi there,
Thanks so much for reviewing and fufilling my request. That means a lot to me.
Well thank for the compliments. I am trying really hard with the characters to keep them not Mary-Sue.
It is overwhelming but hopefully with time, it'll be able to sort out better. Really, the format was designed so that all characters were able to be introduced.
Thank you so much for the review! (Al and Bree are my favorites too Report Review
Hello there! Toujours Padfoot from the forums here for your review.
I like the characters. There are a lot of them, so it's a bit overwhelming in the beginning when they're first being introduced and I'm trying to get a grapple on who is who. But by the end, I think I'm starting to get them right. Amelia is my favorite. There's something very real about her. A lot of women will be able to empathize with her situation. I think, pretty much, there is a character for everyone. Anyone who reads this will be able to relate to at least one of the girls. You describe them very well and I can feel what they're feeling.
I loved the surprise of Albus and Bree secretly being a couple. Was not expecting that! ^_^
I suppose I'm wondering if they all have a common plot or if it will just be a group of individual plots. Maybe they all twist together? I don't know. I would take it slow and simply for the next chapter, at least, while readers are still getting a feel for the characters - putting names and personalities together. It's easy for you as the author to know them all very well. But we are new to it, and don't have the insight into their futures as you do, so definitely keep that in mind. So far, I think you're going at just the right speed. And all of the individual plots are quite interesting. The only concern I can see is the fact that the glimpses are so short. Maybe you should consider giving each of them entire chapters to themselves - or only two characters per chapter? That way it wouldn't be so much bouncing around, trying to remember who does what, and trying to get into one story just to be ripped out of it three paragraphs later. Wasn't sure what kind of format you were planning, but you might keep that in mind. Or not. Feel free to ignore. :)
There are a few typos that would probably be pretty easy to spot upon a second thorough examination. Most of them are just minor spelling errors, but I did find something else that confused me a bit:
Six months ago, she could still have drawn the ring perfectly from ring;
Do you mean memory with the second ring part or am I completely missing something?
At any rate, I did like this chapter. I think this story is going somewhere deep. I can feel all the different pulls and flavors of the individual characters involved, and their dynamic with each other is interesting. Well done. :)
~ Toujours PadfootAuthor's Response: First off, thanks so much for reviewing! Its a long chapter and can be intimidating so I am just thankful you came over to read.
Awww, I'm so glad to hear that! One of my biggest concern is believable OCs because I know Mary Sue is such a trap to fall into o_O. It's funny because everyone seems to be mentioning Amelia the most. She is actually probably the hardest for me to write becuase her character is so disctinct in my mind and we both make different choices.
Al/Bree actually started the whole story in my mind. Their relationship and the progression of their relationshp was what inspired me to start writing a Next-Gen OC based fic. But then I started thinking about her best friends and how they'd develop with her and thus, I got four OC plotlines and Lily II's story developing in my head.
The plot is a bit hard; I really wanted to give everyone fair voice in this chapter simply because I wanted it to be a sort of greeting. It is overwhelming, but similar to the entire pub scene, their plots will intermingle at certain points. Sometimes, two of the characters will share a longer scene.
Yes, yes I finally made it back through to edit the chapter. I put it up late one night after typing it for several nights in a row in the wee hours of the morning.
Thanks such much for the lovely and long review ^_^ Report Review
Hello! This is TenthWeasleyWriter from the forums with your requested review. =]
This is one of the most unique stories I've so far read on this site, and I really like that - it's easy to get sucked into the cliche-ridden Dramione (or insert-fic-here). ^^ All your characters really have a lot of flesh to them, and that's a nice thing to see as well, because there's nothing quite as cringe-worthy as an undeveloped OC (which I am admittedly guilty of).
Your plot and flow are both very good, so there's nothing to worry about in that area. =] You seem to have a nice development to this story, even so early in the game, as it were, and I don't doubt it's only going to get more interesting as you build more chapters up.
I really quite liked this story! I'm glad you requested it, because I might not have found it otherwise. ^^ Thank you for your request!Author's Response: Hi TenthWeasley,
Hahaha oh how I understand; it such a cliche but its like a car accident almost. You just get sucked in and can't stop ^_-
Aw I'm so glad to hear they have flesh! They are meant to come off as very human and flesh-y. I'm really glad they are already coming across well.
Aww well thanks for filling my request. I know its lengthy but I'm very grateful you read! Report Review
One thing before I get onto the review: you called Rose 'Russ' when she was talking to Lily in the last part. Anywho...
It's a really good plot! I like how you started by following each character individually, had them merge, then ended by following each individual again. It's really artistically done, so props for that.
The flow is good. You have nice variation, and everything transtitions nicely from one event to the next.
You really give your characters life. I can really imagine them, especially Bree and Amelia.Author's Response: Uh, no you got wrong, love. It was meant to say Russ. It was Lily's ex waiting for her; not her cousin. ^_^
Aw, well thanks for the compliment on the plot it made me blush.
Aw thanks. Bree is particularly important to me because she is based almost soley off of a friend. Amelia is quite the little witch to write...she has quite an uproar when I try to plot out what is going on next ^_^
Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
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