omg i totally loved it!! I loved the conversations, they were very realistic. just like i've always imagined the marauders and lily! good job!Author's Response: Awesome, I'm so glad you liked it! Thanks!! :) Report Review
Bahaha, poor James! Being tortured like that. I love that Lily's become quite a prankster herself. Definitely fits in with the group.
All the dialogue without tags was getting me so confused! But then, it seemed to flow much more like an actual conversation. It was nice that you pointed out who was talking when it really mattered. :D
I loved your description of their laughing faces. Bright red, streaming with tears--especially with Lily's hair sticking to her face. I could picture it really well.
What a lovely little one-shot. :D
DemAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! I've had a lot of different opinions on the dialog, but I do think I'm going to keep it how it is.
Thanks again! :) Report Review
I say the quote on the banner and decided I HAD to read and review this story! (Hope that's not problem with you...) Mostly because I participated with a one-shot for this Brennuhh's challenge as well (she's been AWOL lately, hasn't she?). :)
Anyways, first off, this is loads of dialogue. Dialogue is awesome, and I see that in the mix of all that, description would be hard to fit in. The dialogue did help me feel like I was watching the two of them argue though.
James' narrative is very cute. I laughed when he called the boys' dormitory the men's. And when he inserted (Man) after Head Boy, I was giggling so hard!
To speak about the quote, I was never really sure what Lily was making James do until he actually did it. When he did do it, I couldn't help but wonder, ".What? What's the purpose of that? Why would Lily want that?" It also felt like a lot of build up for what was being planned to do. There was all these lines running along the lines of "OMG, this is going to be AMAZING and totally CRAZY." Then again, it's a bit hard when you have a quote like that to fulfill. I mean, that quote...it's definitely a challenge. I would know, my fic was...meh. The quote felt out of place, at least here, it belongs relatively, albeit anti-climatic. The reaction to what James did also felt like they were blown way out of proportion.
You did a good build-up. There was a lot of anticipation for what was finally going to happen, mostly from the dialogue.
Ah, the dialogue. Let's go back to that. It was very cute and fitting for a Marauders era fic. I love those stories that just have their little squabbles! And looking back on it, all the exaggeration to what James did made the story even funnier, which was the purpose of the challenge...so good job with that! I suppose that means you can ignore the paragraph about James' action being anti-climatic and etc...
I hope this review was helpful and had good feedback!
Overall, this was adorable and darling and a bunch of words you would use to describe a baby.Author's Response: No of course it's okay with me! :) Yeah, the quote's hilarious, isn't it!? :)
Haha. Thanks, thank! This was an awesome review! It kind of made me laugh, the way you disagreed with yourself a little. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who does that in reviews. :)
Thanks so much, glad you liked it!
Also, I like to think of this one-shot as my baby. So, you calling it all those adjective you would use to describe a baby is totally fitting to me. :) Report Review
HA! that really did make me laugh! thanks for making a terrible day worthwhile!
10/10Author's Response: Aw, I'm glad I made your day better!!! Report Review
Haha that was so funny! and the farmhouse boutique thing seems to be in everything t i read tonight, love it! I reallly liked this, it showed a mischieveous side to lily that some people dont give her! also i like all the boy (man) stuff, i have friends who say that so i thought that was hilarious! good job, you really did make me giggle :DAuthor's Response: Yeah, the farmhouse boutique was a challenge that was really popular. :)
You know, I never thought about Lily like that, but now that you mention it, she is really mischieveous in this one, innit she? :)
Yeah, the "boy (man)" stuff... I got that from Mistress, one of my favorite authors on here. (P.S. if you haven't read her, I highly recommed her!)
Thanks for the review!
I'm working on yours now. :) Report Review
EPIC! wow.. Good job!Author's Response: Thanks so much! :) Report Review
Hi electricfeel from the forums with your review :)
I love marauder stories so I was happy when I saw you had requested this. I like the tone of this; it's lighthearted and fun which definitely sounds like you've captured the right mood for the challenge you've entered!
I would have liked to see more narrative between the dialogue, some more descriptions to bring the scene alive. Even the smallest details can help readers to really envision the scene and feel like they're there. The dialogue itself is very good, I just feel like it's missing something. I also lost track every now and then as to who was actually doing the speaking.
The plot was fun; someone being pressured by their friend to do something amusing is always worth a read :)
Good luck with the challenge!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review!
I'm glad you liked it.
I was kind of nervous about the whole lack of details and an overdose on dialog, but so far I've gotten pretty good feedback on it. I may go back and fix it to where there's more detail and I'll specify just a little more on who's talking.
I'm so glad you liked it, and thanks for the review! :) Report Review
Hello there! Akussa from the forum!
What a crazy little story; I understand it was for a challenge right? Well I certaintly hope this worked on making the callenge maker laugh out loud!!!
I enjoyed the format of this story; the fact that we are not too sure who's talking and everything. I also really loved the Marauders' carefree attitude; you played that well in order to give this story some crazyness.
I have to say that, sadly, I expected a much bigger "something"; the expectation you built up as through the piece led me to think James was going to pull something much bigger than this but it was still funny. Especially the reactions of the 3 others!
I also noticed a couple grammar errors or typos :
"the boys' (mens)"; either no need for an 's' to 'men' or you forgot the apostrophe
"Okay!" Remus shouted, mocking Sirius. "Alright, let's just go... do whatever has gotten Lily so excited.; you forgot the endind quotation marks at the end of this dialogue
"It's what Lily and I did when we showing a bunch of the firsties"; either take out the 'we' or add 'were' before 'showing'
"As I looked at them, I couldn't help but laughing."; the ending is strange, I guess you forgot a word?
All in all, a good and funny little story, thanks for requesting!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm so glad you did; that was very helpfull. I had a beta for this, but I guess she missed a few things and then I missed it when I reread it. I'll be sure to check it next time. :)
The going into McGonagall's class was the biggest thing I could think of. Because, I mean, it's McGonagall and a grandma's sexy Asian farmhouse boutique... :)
Thanks again!:) Report Review
omg this was hysterical. i adore how carefree the marauders are! i was laughing the whole time i read this, especially where they were like "are you serious?" and Sirius was all "no I am!"
I have honestly never heard that one before, and I thought I had heard all of them :P
i really liked the way you didn't elaborate on who was saying what very much either! they seemed very real and genuine.
thanks for entering my challenge, i'm really glad you did! (:
-brennaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked it. So glad. :)
And, you're welcome! :) Report Review
Oh, god, that was so funny! Awesome :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :) Report Review
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